A well-intended law in your state makes it impossible for victims of sexual abuse, or their loved ones, to get psychological help without triggering a mandatory report. In your situation, such a report would ruin the life of the offender -- who was a minor at the time and may not even remember committing the crime. How can your family seek the help it needs without initiating legal complications that will only make the overall situation worse for all parties -- including the victim?
And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now let's dive in!
Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/630
On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- A well-intended law in your state makes it impossible for victims of sexual abuse, or their loved ones, to get psychological help without triggering a mandatory report. Is it wrong to seek loopholes when this would hurt the family it's intended to help?
- Surprisingly, your new company accepted the highball offer you proposed during negotiations, and now your salary is twice what you'd ever hoped to land. So how can you shake the guilty feeling that you don't really deserve it? You wanted to be a jazz guitarist, not an oligarch, for goodness' sakes!
- Should you take it as a bad omen that your fiancée doesn't post about you on social media, or are you just reading too much into it?
- Is there a way to turn an insensitive racist comment into a teachable moment for the offender...inoffensively?
- As a manager, how can you address the deteriorating performance and poor attitude of an older employee who's worked for the company for decades?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.
Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course!
Miss our two-part conversation with ex-Al-Qaeda spy Aimen Dean? Catch up by starting with
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Welcome to feedback Friday, I'm your host Jordan Harbinger as
because I'm here with Feedback Friday, producer Gabriel Miss right here on the Jordan
your show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want.
Help you see the matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave, and our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker even get a much deeper undressed
ending of how the world works and make sense of what really happening, even inside your own mind if you're new, to the show on
nowadays we give advice and answer listener questions the rest of the week. We have.
long form, interviews in conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to see, owes athletes, authors, thinkers and performers this week
We had Amanda Montel on the language of cult. So, if your end of the cold stuff,
Let me a good cop. I mean creepy religion
calls all the way to like soul cycle. This is a fun episode because we really get into the language
of calls and how the language transforms remind etc Gaban. I also did a deep dive this week on how to get your foot in the door. So in this one
We talk about the strategies and mindsets for
giving out a role for yourself at say, a company or selling your services to a client securing work is a freelancer. Basically, getting an
somewhere. Drawing on the many examples we ve seen of people doing this, both poorly and amazingly well in my own
from my own business Andrews other examples outside of that great nuts and bolts stuff here, for anyone looking to break
in two, an organization or an industry, or even a relationship
make sure you ve had a listen to everything we created for you here this week by, though I gave my
parents are visiting EU agenda
Ok, I'm in a cook salmon with the skin on. Should I take the skin off your parents, and likewise we ask, I don't know so, might go now.
We'll go to the store and all by some stuff. I, like son, thinking, he's going to come back with like a rack of ribs and I warn Jana go like he might come back with like pork ribs. Are you willing to cook that she's again? That's fine, no problem! You now and I'm like, ok cool he comes back, gave comes back with you know. That
like bright orange, colored crackers that kid's bringing their lunch when their unlike third grade and they have peanut butter on them and their Langley Bright Orange short of those called. I
I can't remember, but kid it read says that's up in Hebrew or something something right, not the boxes, oars, the crime-
her itself as origin, there like a clear earth prince Pack and that's all and well she's fruit snacks which prohibit
surprisingly tasty, but still gummy, essentially gummy front in a plastic pouch and he went out
to eat and I'm getting like habitually steak or something in his life?
do they? Have a slider sounds good I'll get an appetizer so just give the waiter shows up with like three salads
but you steak and like a plateful of these tiny burgers that are just drowning in my condiments and he's like art, thou there's, four of them. Unlike are you
eleven years old. Why did you
always like this. I dont understand I don't,
Amber him being like? There's your dad, a third greater on. I feel tat yet secret. Third, greater outfield should decrease
the Orange crackers were the end of it, though I was like you gotta, be kidding. Me are those
actually edible. Jury is out on whether their edible, but I do know you can trade him for something better. You can trade them for something in the lunch.
in any elementary school nationwide. So yeah, I don't know. I just thought that was a lesson:
a dead by the way my dad is like AIDS, for even not quite
Eddie, but almost eighty, unlike
you're never gonna to. If this is what you're still gone to buy the store. You are not changing anytime soon, but I love him good. All dead before we jump in
Today's questions I wanted to talk about a question. I've been getting a lot lately, which is why don't you do an empty and I get that question
some format or another in an empty. This is
of two hour, long potential definition here, but you essentially owner receipt for a piece of our it's on the blockchain. I don't want to
into too much of it. If you don't know what an effort is whatever go like make a sandwich for the next thirty seconds, but these are very popular right now. There's a ton of press don't have time to define it as well as I'd like to, but I wanted to address this because every influence or right now,
it? I hate that word to certain whenever our here every
influence or and want to be, as minting zillions of these nf tease on the blockchain right now, and they are ninety nine point: nine, nine percent, a scam, not that none of them are gonna, be worth anything, but they are mostly almost exclusively worth absolutely nothing. These are scans Europe
lose money. You're gonna regret the purchase in most instances, probably not every single one. They can also be used to rob you of your crypto currency, which is potentially quite dangerous for your finances. If your
a theory holder. You should look into the fact that these are our contracts that can actually during your wallet basically since they are mostly a scammer bubble and their conspicuous consumption with like kind
mediocre art or even bad art. In most cases, I'm going to include a great
video on and if tease here in the show notes is on a channel called folding ideas. This guy's extremely smart. If you watch it, you'll see a pretty good break down, slash, take down of and emptied the create.
also seems to hate Bitcoin. So I disagree with the mare and he's got some other opinions I disagree with, but I've never heard of
it down of entities like this, and I think for a lot of you. If you need a primer on fifties and why they probably are a bunch of crap, this videos a great place to start again again Lincoln in the shadows and look nowhere
I could be very very wrong about entities, and if that is the case, then I plan to simply support other people who are doing and if tease that, actually do good. So
SAM Harris who we know has been on the show he's going to do something where you take a pledge and you don't need a percentage of your income to charity and you get in
of tee from him and if you ever saw the end of tea, which you look, maybe they'll go way up and value, then twenty percent or so of the sale price automatically then goes to those charities again because of the way the enough to use
and that's really like the only end of tea thing. I would really support, because I'd software to save as I dont need more money, and if I were to get more money I certainly would not do so at the expense of my credibility. With respect to those of you. Listening to the show I mean
till a mattress or a ball hair trimmer. That is about that's, but whether schedules- ok, the little at least with those things you actually get. What you were promised that I don't have to worry that you investigated like an landscape nuts act tremor in thinking it was gonna, go on value by twenty thousand percent, does does its best to adjust. Does what it supposed to and, to be honest, the art with entities is usually garbage, its use for speculation. It's almost like the products that are you,
didn't Emmeline scams where the product is just there to become a vehicle for money transfer between people in a pyramid. They exist to facilitate the financials there a sideshow
not the headliner and I've got a lot more gripes with it. But a lot of people dont know. So I don't care about entities and we had a lot of people to help so gave what is the first thing out of the mailbag, Dear Jordan, Gabriel,
husband and I adopted my niece when she was nine years old when she was sixteen, she told us that she remembered being sexually assaulted by her older brother, my nephew, whose six years older than my daughter since she had been removed from our parents home at age. Seven, my nephew, could not have been more than thirteen years old. When this happened. I confronted my nephew
others and he denied it as I expected, but he did not deny it angrily or defensively. In fact, he was shocked and horrified at the accusation-
he might not even remember the incident. Even so, this whole thing tore me up. I love both my daughter and my nephew, and I feel as though I can't do anything to
by their of them. Ultimately, my daughter did not want to make a report or file charges she's in or twenty is now well adjusted and doing great after mentally cutting her older brother out of her life. My nephew has had ardor road, but I've been helping him as he is dealing with his own mental illness and substance abuse issues. I really need to talk to someone about this about my conflicting feelings being torn between loving them both, but I live in Texas, where the mandatory reporting laws are strong, there's no statute of limitations on sexual assault of a child,
There are no exceptions for the youth of the alleged perpetrator. When my mother try to talk about this with her own therapist years ago, he was about to file a report, but she was able to convince him not to buy showing how well adjusted. My daughter was in telling him that she would simply denied allegation if approached by officials, but denying the assault after telling a therapist is in an option for me because, as an attorney, I also have an ethical duty to report. It seems that Texas LAW makes it impossible for the victim or their loved ones to get psychological help without triggering a mandatory report have been keeping this inside for years. I need to talk to somebody, but there's no safe place to do that. So what can I do signed caught between a rock and a hard place? Temp Jordan? That has an intense letter. I guess everything is bigger in Texas, including the feedback Friday math
yeah that was some letter and, frankly, a heart breaking story and also a fascinating catch. Twenty two: I'm very sorry that your daughter, slash knees, went through this terrible there's, a phrase you not utter every. I went through this terrible experience. I do feel for your nephew.
On some level as well is obviously struggling with his own staff, and it's just all very sad. It must also be tough for you trying to be there for both
them in different ways when they're on opposite sides of this life defining event, you seem like a very carrying person. Problem,
the very and path they can generous and I'm sure it brings up a lot of stuff that you need to process, but then you're stuck because of this ethical duty to report. We wanted to talk to an expert about your situation, so we reached out to Doktor Erin, Margolis Clinical, psychologist friend of the show and doctrinal
All is confirmed that yeah therapists are indeed mandated reporters, so they have to make a report if they learn of an instance of abuse like this. But it's up to you as the pace
to decide what information you want to share with a therapist. If a therapist
doesn't have a name and address information about the people involved stuff like that, then they can't really make a report and child
our agencies or the police, they just won't, have any more to go. If a therapist asks you for certain details, you can
hey listen! I really don't want to make a report and if I dont give you,
any information. I know. There's no report you can make. So if you ask me questions we can talk
but I'm just gonna choose to not give you any specific details about the who, what where of it all, I don't really want to focus on the part of this that I'm dealing with now. So, according to Doktor Margolis apace,
has control over which information they decide to share a therapist. Can't
you do anything you don't want to, which means you can probably talk about this with our triggering a report.
So there is a way to talk about this and that's probably the way out of the catch twenty two. That said, if a therapist says that they have to make a report, but with the limited information that they do have.
that might be a little bit harder to get around. Some therapists might be very by the book about fulfilling their duty to report, even if the report that they generate is in totally complete, but Doktor Margolis pointed out that once they make that report, it's up to Texas, child protective services or the Department of Family Protective Services, whoever gets involved to decide whether to open a case and actually approach anyone, and at that point
really out of the therapies hands, but even if one of these agencies did approach your daughter or your nephew and your daughter or your nephew say that you know I don't remember what happened or they to say. I want to talk
but this at all, then the case is probably just dead in the water. It's not guaranteed end up that way, but that seems to be the likely outcome for what it's worth. Doktor Margolis told us that the reporting laws in most states
there's a part of them that focuses on whether anyone is in danger of being victimized right now, and she could speak to the nuances of Texas LAW specifically, but based on our understanding, cps or De F B, as they would probably take that variable into account
they make a decision about whether to investigate your daughter and your nephew are grown up now they don't seem to have any contact with each other. The potential for abuse is not ongoing, at least with respect to your daughter specifically, so it is possible that that would also make this report a non starter.
The last thing doktor Mobile has pointed out, is that these reports are generally
eight anonymously, which means that no one would necessarily approach you, so you wouldn't have to confirm or
Ninety thing, if anyone ever did investigate again we're
not exactly sure how that works in Texas, but if a therapist ever did file a report, you can
suppose we ask them to leave your name off of it if it ever came to that so yeah, something that's your way out of this bind just being very deliberate about what you share. What you don't share so that you can talk about the parts of this experience that you really need to process right now.
rights and look. I know that if the abuse we're still going on you and any therapist would probably fulfil your ethical duty to report as you should, but that's not what's happening. This is a heartbreaking thing that happened a long time ago
your daughter's doing quite well. Now there are conflicting accounts of the event. What urgent now is that you get to process these conflict and feelings that your having for yourself and, I think, being selective about certain logistical details. Knowing
you don't have to intervene to prevent somebody else from getting hurt right this moment. That's how you can talk about all of this with our
violating any laws which, given the circumstances, seems totally fair and very important again. I am truly sorry that you're in this position, you sound like a super, solid, mom and anti human being, and I hope you get to work through this stuff with a great
Airbus sending you good thoughts. You know who won't turn around until all your secrets to a third party without your consent, Facebook. Now that it is definitely do that
will definitely do that, but the amazing sponsors who help support this show probably well we'll be right back here. Listening to
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knowing who doesn't love some good products and or services. You can always visit Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the shell and now back to feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. What's next, hey guys, I was just
put a position at a new company that I am perfectly qualified for its jump and its a bit scary, but it suits me perfectly. The thing is they agreed to my somewhat crazy, high initial salary bed, Ike
not right, my brain around the fact that I will make literally twice as much as I ever thought I would realistically make in my life
I don't have impostor syndrome over the role itself, but I can't help it feel like I don't deserve the salary, even though everyone seems to think its justified for the role
I was a jazz guitar major in college and my tech, jobs salary will push us into the next. U S: tax bracket,
oh, how to resolve this feeling signed spin out about cashing in
jazz guitar major man, you are literally trying not to make any money at a college and you and you failed at that very alone
congratulations on this offer and this stupid high salary. I think that too
very exciting. Despite
reservations, I'm sure it's appropriate,
and well deserved. I can definitely appreciate your conflict, though, when you get something
you never thought you would have. It can bring up all sorts of thoughts and feelings like guilt, embarrassment,
fear anxiety, the idea that you don't
they deserve it or you didn't earn it for real it whatever it is. So I get we are coming from, and I think this probably speaks to the fact that you're a pretty grounded person who wants to know that his contribution matches his compensation. But it's
Sure thing you don't feel like an impostor in the roll itself. You just feel like you're punching above your weight, salary, wise and your.
obviously not going to go back to the company like hey thanks so much for the offer. I really want this job, but can you just pay me a little less now, you're gonna take the money, so my advice is to do a bit of a re frame here, rather than harping on the fact that you don't deserve the salary. I would view this as an opportunity to live up to the salary. Ask yourself what kind of employee would deserve this
number on his paycheck. What kind of impact with this person have on the company? How would he manage his team? What would he
yo or understand or do
literally right down your answers to those questions, break them down into some concrete steps and make that your game
plan in your new role. Then your job is to
get becoming that person just a little bit every single day until the employee,
you are matches the salary in your mind, and if you can do that, I think you're gonna resolve a lot of conflict that you have
because then you will be sitting in meetings that your new company, like dang,
can't believe. I'm getting paid this much to sit here. You're gonna be thinkin aright, I'm getting paid to sit here, a lot in fact
so I better show up as the best possible version of myself in this role. Let me listen uh, what's really being said, let me offer some great idea.
yes, let me put in the time to learn and
Maybe that means you
a few more hours each week, maybe
It means you use some your salary to pay for an executive, coach or certification that will give you some kind of edge or you,
some of the money to take a few of your colleagues out to dinner. So you can build relationships whatever
specifics you land on. I would use this new job as a sort of the engine for your growth. That's a much more productive use of the conflict. You feel it'll inspire you to work harder, it'll, put your money to good use,
to keep levelling up which, by the way, will also mean more raises in the future, which means you'll probably need to keep adopting this mentality as long as you keep rising up, it's a great flywheel to have gone, and I
that, after a few months of putting in the work, a lot of these feelings are gonna start to ease up. In fact, you might even start to thank here
that deserve to be made a little bit more in my book. That is exactly the right mindset to have if you want to keep getting promoted, work harder than your being compensated for then successfully, of course, make the case for why you should be promoted to match your efforts. So there you have it treat the money as an invitation to grow right
then the stroke of good luck that you need to somehow justify and congrats again. My man is a super exciting good,
the new role, I know you'll settling great you- can reach us Friday
Jordan, harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails, concise, use, a descriptive subject line. If there's something you're going through any big decision. You
wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on stuff like life love work, whether you should report from the
lines of awards is brewing in a country or living in whatever he's got you stand up at night lately hit us up Friday.
Jordan harbinger Dotcom, we're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Our next up, Dear Jordan, gave a very happy to be in a thriving relationship with my fiance of two years, she's, the most thoughtful, passionate kind and positive person I have ever been with and she's me
our commitment to us clear through her words and her actions. For example, when we got engaged, she resigned from her job and relocated thousands of miles away from her close net family for us to be together. We both say that we ve never been happier
again. We generally communicate well, there's just one red flag. She very rarely includes me in her posts or pictures on social media contrast that with my posts, which are mostly pictures of us together. In my experience, the reasons people do this are generally not great for the relationship and might even be a sign of some deeper
two. I know it's a small thing, but then a trusted friend recently brought it up to me out of the blue and told me that he was noticing a too, which may be even more concern when we're in person. My fiance acts proud to be with me. She loves to include me when she's
their friends, and she goes out of her way to introduce me to her coworkers olive, that she's very considerate, and I know that if I brought this up to her, she would apologise and change, but I'm extremely reluctant to do that. I know that it would make me feel any better, as I would still wonder about the true reason by internal posting me also. If it turns out that there really is nothing to it, I will just be making her feel bad. For no reason am I ever think in this war. Could this be an early signs?
trouble signed the invisible Bay, whom this is an interesting one. On one hand, it seems kind of trivial to count the number of photos, your fiance post of you to your point. The important thing is how she acts, how she treats you, what she does
for media at the hall of mirrors. It's an illusion. It means nothing compared to how your fiance feels
you in her real life, and that sounds like it's fantastic. On the other hand, it is your fiance so, for instance,
is actually a reflection of her life. I could understand being a little
phone about why her just not many photos, but again this photo thing. It could mean nothing,
Gabe? I wonder if maybe his fiancee is one of those people who have like a huge instagram following maybe it's work related, maybe she's like an influence or performer.
Something like that and she's worried that if she posts pictures of her fiance, some people will unfollow her
its incredibly dumb and its gross, but I have a few female friends who are models actors
Loki celebrity types influence or whatever you want to call it, and they ve told me that when they post a photo of their boyfriend or their husband or whatever or even a friend there hugging, that's a guy like three hundred people just or more in
currently unfollow them. Obviously it's all just due to our signal.
Hoping you'll have a shot with them one day Yahoo? They want to preserve the fantasy that these,
Women don't have a real life behind the facade, all of which just says everything about the fraudulent and toxicity of social media. But that's another episode. So are you over thinking this here
to say. Even if this whole photo thing turned out to be nothing, the fact that its nagging at you that it's something you want to express what you feel afraid to bring up. I do think that makes it meaningful, because then it's not really about the social media stuff. It's about how you feel about each other, it's about which things you feel you can bring up with your fiance, I'm thinkin just talk to her. You guys communicate really! Well, you said you have a strong relationship. I would
exactly what you told us, which is that you see how much she cares about you. You have total confidence in your relationship. You love her. You know that she loves you there's just this one little thing you don't know what to make of, and you want to talk about it. You could even say look. I know this is probably dumb. I, if I'm over thinking this just tell me, but I can't help but notice that you don't really posed
rose of me on social, and I do Zalm, hello, embarrassed even bring this up, but I gotta ask: is there
for that cause unkind,
spinning out here. Imagining all the reasons you might not want to post me and I'd like to be able to put that to bed. I don't know something like that. Then just give her a chance to
Maybe she's not even aware she's doing this, maybe she's just so focused on posting work and friend staff that she hasn't even thought about it, or maybe she is aware of this and there's some very specific reason. She,
doesn't want to post photos of you and then you'll have to decide how you feel about that, for example. If she says something like honestly, I just love that this part of my life with you is private and
Ours and I dont want to turn that into a marketing material. That might be a great reason not to post. You if she actually means it, of course
but if you like, I get a lot on ELM word with the guys I work with, would think of something along those lines you might want to dig in
that, with our a little bit more maybe
he's doing the whole living two lives on social media thing which, in my
opinion, is exhausting its inauthentic potentially damaging to herself and to your relationship or maybe she's, word
people won't pay as much attention to her if they know she's spoken for also very calm,
with people who are online line. It's a problematic assumption, or maybe she really does have
conflict around your relationship and that's just showing up in this instagram thing to be
here we have no idea. This is just me spit bawling possibilities. I guess my point is: make it safe for her to be honest, be prepared for whatever her responses,
and then decide if it's something that you can live with or if it actually speech to some deeper issue in your relationship. Honestly, my hunch is that it probably says,
or about social media than it does about how she feels about you. But that doesn't mean it also doesn't affect you re right, which makes it a totally valid thing to bring up with your partner and about this other thing. You said that you are reluctant to bring this up, because you know that she would change
but then you would still be wondering about the true reason. She's, not posting you. I think that's a very interesting detail to actually think that makes this conversation even more important because it sounds to me like you are assuming at the outset that you're
Can I get the truth from her or that you sharing this concern with her wooden
be making her feel bad for no reason, as you put it to us, but that's not necessarily the case. I mean you expressing concern or a question to your fiance. That's not making her feel bad for no reason
and even if she doesn't up feeling a little bad about it. I mean there is a reason,
the reason is that you're noticing a possible disconnect and how you guys treat each other. Possibly are you guys feel about each other, so actually think to some very good stuff for you to confront in this conversation is well stuff. That's actually much more important than how many selfies she postal. The two EU great point gave it all
like, the social media thing is the tip of the iceberg, and the real thing is what this guy feels he can and can't bring up with his partner. So I hope you get to about this little advice
from a merry guy, the more of these healthy conflicts you can explore and resolved before you get married the better
whenever you noticed yourselves shying away from a tough conversation, I recommend leaning into it. It doesn't mean you look.
For a fighter being difficult or whatever it means you want
keep the line of communication open and better understand whenever feelings your having so you guys can be as close as possible. Ultimately, that's always a good thing
You know who won't try and hide you from other thirsty fans, the products and services that support this show.
Is the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back this episode of sponsored in part by progressive? What's one thing, you'd purchase with a little extra savings awaited blanket smart speaker that new self care trend we keep hearing about well progressive, wants to make sure you're getting what you want by helping you save money on car,
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things are going to matter for the charts. So if you want to help other people discover this show, I would really appreciate it. It would be super helpful. Thank you so much and now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday, all right. What's next, I Jordan Gabe, I'm of Asian too said
and since moving to a homogenous part of the country, I have encountered several people who have exclaimed with genuine surprise. You speak such good English when
replied. Well, I should hope so. I was born here. I've received confused, had tilts ending of brows, but tell me that they are not able to process why that would matter
To give you another example. I was recently introduced to a woman by mutual friend. She immediately told me her daughter and laws full maiden asian Dame followed with an awkward hopeful smile, but I would say I knew her. I replied O. She then asked my name again,
which I repeated, even though she just heard it. She exclaimed. Oh no, that's your american name, I mean, what's your name, I explain.
I was born here, it's the
name I have. This did not seem to face her at all. The list goes on and on. I've been met.
Taken for a laundromat attendant when a machine breaks I've been approached as somebody who works at a plant nursery. Even when I was dressed up in carrying a purse. I've had people assume
but I miss a lot of work because of my eyes and I've been asked. If I'm a doctor because- and I quote, most asian people are doctors, look this isn't the end of the world. Full blown racism is obviously worse, but after the last incident I realize that not calling out these assumptions allows its various types of all of this is to endure. It also allows people to continue obliviously asking the same questions in the future, even if they don't mean any harm. I play d scenarios out of my head, but I can't figure out how to explain to somebody, especially someone older than me that, while I don't believe they are racist, their questions and responses are defensive. Are these teachable moments or
is the best. Just let him go signed, not a doctor, but still diagnosing people's bullshit. Here is funny this sir. This kind of thing it has happened to me indirectly, so Jan and for those vilest
you don't know Genesis Asian she's Taiwanese but she's a mess
right. I mean she doesn't have an accident was born in Friggin Connecticut, so foreigners
somewhere in San Francisco, eating like peruvian food or something else, it's one of those restaurants, where the
window, probably is to be a retail stores, were sitting at like a window that is totally open to the street and even party or table there's a plant and catch up bottles and silverware.
on this armrest and beyond. That is just the sidewalk and beyond that is in the mission district and there's a bust out there in this woman walks
this white lady whose, like I don't know, maybe inner forties. She walks up and goes excuse
do. You know when the two generator and do you know when the bus and then stops in the middle of a sends, look so
put me on the other side. The table goes, oh, you speak English. Do you know when the bus comes in
and I'm looking at jet engines like I speak English. Are you kidding me right now and we do not know what to do so. I just said now: I'm not really sure, but then right, then the bus came and she ran away and Jan goes. Why wouldn't I speaking
I should like that woman is not from California she's. Finally, grew of life,
or in Michigan her Ohio like me, and just like, never bet it asian person
Does it have an accent or something? I don't know it was so freaking, weird in like two thousand and nineteen for that to happen or two thousand and seventeen whatever. It was
anything like that before that. There's a first time for me- and I was blown away by that- apparently it happens agenda all the time, but some of them
but we live in Friggin Silicon Valley
I can imagine that if you live in a small town and there aren't that many Asians they're probably happens a lot. So I get it. This issue
renewing and kind of bizarre. It's almost ago, cartoonish nineteen fifties version of racism or something you're right. Most of
people probably are not trying to be hurtful. This is an over toxic race
Like you see in those creepy
Videos on Facebook of Old Ladys screaming at some asian person, who's going for a job in their own neighbourhood or whatever, but I totally
you stand why this hurts on some level and I think a lot of people who are in the minority in their country can relate. So. Do you speak up in school these people, or do you just let it go well to Turkey? One party me wants to say how
yeah clap back. Tell the woman at the nail salon that asian people could be customers explained to them
the laundromat that Asia people do their laundry to Chad. Obviously these people
realize other coming across. They need somebody to point it out within it.
A part of me is like that is not your job. You shouldn't have to go out and do your errand and be de facto racism coach, twenty four seven. Sadly,
you might be the person who can help these people grow a little bit, but it sucks that it falls on you. So I think the answer is. Do it feels authentically you? Do it feels right
and that may change from day to day person to person circumstanced circumstance if there
day where you're feeling more generous and patient, and some guy at a party asks you which hospital you work at, because you must be a doctor. Maybe you to say no, not a doktor, sorry to disappoint you. Do you think,
all asian people are doctors and then just gently help.
and understand why that's ridiculous assumption, but if there
day were you're tired and you just want to be left alone, and some lady at the nursery asks you with appalling soil. Is you can be like sorry MA, I'm just here to buy a cactus for my apartment,
but it roll off your back. No other explanation needed that is totally fair to. I think a lot of this has to do with your read on these people. I give some rash
Obviously, racist man on an airplane starts talking loudly and slowly at you. Maybe you just disengage you're, probably not
to change his mind and also you don't wanna start
those airplane fights then end up on the evening news.
some well meaning but kind of clueless lady asks you to break a twenty at the laundromat. Maybe you just say: listen
I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it, but I dont work here. Maybe you think I do because of how I loved, but that's not how it actually works.
it's a little known to hear that, so you have just them to keep in mind for next time and then he just point turd somebody who actually does work there, so she doesn't feel attacked or shamed for her ignorance. Also, it's not like your ever going to be.
Able to educate everybody on earth or even your small town, so you have to pick your battles, its incredibly frustrating it sucks, but again, not your job.
not her. Job high, agree, Jordan, but that said, I do think that a conversation like this, if it handled well, of course, that
would be very empowering for you. It could be really helpful for people who say this kind of stuff. So when you do decide to speak up and check somebody, my adviser be just try to be friendly. Try to be
don't try to be non confrontational, at least in the beginning, give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you put a small,
on your face. Maybe you're willing to laugh about it a little bit. I think that will disarm these people it'll make them
listen: go down a little bit smoother and there
so avoid creating another unfortunate stereotype in these people, like you know, person who stops you at the nursery
it won't be like our holidays and people are so sensitive and walk away. All angry it is wild, but sadly that is how a lot of people might respond. So, instead I would just smile and
something like listen. I'm not gonna get myself box here. I know
you probably didn't mean anything by it, but I just got to say
no that not all asian people are doctors right like that is absurd,
oh. I was born here like ten
of millions of innocent people in America. That's why my name is Cassidy, I don't have enough
That is my name. So just keep that in mind, because when you ask questions like that new soon things just probably comes across in a way that you probably don't intend
and if the person is like- oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm so embarrassed. Thank you for telling me, then,
No, that you did a good thing for a decent person move about your day, but if the purse,
This, like whoa, calm down, I'm just saying a lot of my doctors, her sometimes
have names I can't pronounce. How is that racist? Then you have to decide whether to escalate and make it a thing or you just say
ok, look. I drivers are another perspective with you. It sounds like you too.
listen, that's, ok, I'm just I'm gonna go now and just
Leave again. I think Jordan is right. The context really does matter totally agree gave
can't save him all again? I know it's frustrating. I hate that you have to deal with this, but if you want to make a small difference, just speaking up in the right moment might be,
four and sadly your emma- might have to be letting a lot of this be a slide off your back. Just to keep your own sanity people be ignorant.
crazy, try not,
Let it hurt you more than it has to. Ultimately, whatever people say or do
only reflect on them and take that for what it's worth. This is just a couple Occidental's telling you what we think so, hang in there all right next up, hey guys, I am a woman in my mid forties working in the health industry. I've been with a company for a couple of years, and I manage a team of six who range and age for mid twenties, timid, sixties. For the past six months, the performance of one of the guys and my team has progressively deteriorated once a happy and enthusiastic team player he's become argumentative and aggressive and meetings with me and his colleagues and he's even started to be like this with our customers. He dominates conversations, but he doesn't listen, others his work,
output is extremely low and if I talk with him about his behaviour with customers, he tells me to give them to someone else to manage. When I try to talk to him about why his behaviour is changed, he says everything is fine and dismisses any suggestions that he might need some support. I suspect that he thinks that, because he's older and has been in the company for over twenty years, he's untouchable. I also suspect that he would like to retire, but he can't so he sticking around for the money I'm rapidly losing patience with this guy and I dont want to risk a situation way and behaving as badly as him when he yet again shows up to a meeting full of attitude and arrogance and having done very little work. So how can I resolve this without going to performance management? Signed
putting Bartleby in his place, Bartleby Bartleby, the scrivener River. That story now, it's a really cool short story by Herman Melville. It's about this guy who just start showing up to work one day and when his boss asks him to do something. He just starts saying. I would rather not like every time they ask me she's like I'd, rather not I'd, rather not I'd rather not, and finally, just completely destroys like the whole office falls apart in it throws the entire company into chaos, just kind of like an interesting story about, I think, about capitalism and about like what we do or don't do a work. But it is so it's like office space, but written by the author,
Moby dick yeah. It's actually. I think the story was a huge influence on the movie Officemax yeah. If I make an upper, if I read that, but I think it was yapping influence anyway, what a piece of work? I'm sorry you're dealing with this having an employee,
You like this is the worst it's kind of like.
Managing the guy from office space, because that, except he's not funny or try
nothing whatsoever he's just bitter
the lazy and domineering I do have some combined
for this guy, because I think you treat your colleagues or your customers like garbage if you're not hurting on some level. But what this you guys doing he's compromising the team he's compromising the company he's way
your time he's getting a free ride. It's just not right. We wanted to talk to an expert about your question, so we'd reached out to the awesome, ebony younger, employee relations, expert and talent, strategist.
and ebony. First response to your letter was good on you for having
human conversation with this guy. She actually thought that
doing a great job as a manager? You assumed positive intent. You tried to talk to this guy face to face. You gave him some space to say, hey. Actually, something is wrong. I'm really struggling
with this or that sorry I've been acting up, I need help, but then he refused that invitation to talk, and he seemed to still be doing the same.
and maybe even getting worse, Ebony also thought that you are dead on in
very self, aware to recognise that you might snap and respond poorly to disguise bs if you dont come up with a plan in her experience, that's quite common in companies and it never helps the situation. So avenues answer to your question: can you resolve this without going to perform? Its management is nope at this point there isn't away where you won't have to put this guy on some kind of corrective
action. I know it's uncomfortable, but this is a conflict you're, probably going to have to lean into as a manager. If you want things to change, so lebanese advice is to first check your companies policy about how to discipline and employ you like this, then she recommends partnering with your h. Our business manager from the get go to come up with a fair plan, start communicating very directly with this guy about what you expect from him and then document his performance. You know like I need you to fill out ex many orders.
Week. I expect you to treat customers kindly and respectfully. I expect you to collaborate with your coworkers, whatever it is, and then every time he only four,
There was an orders right every time he snapped at a customer
phone or every time he dismisses somebody in a meeting or tries to wriggle out of work, you write that down date time circumstances, location back story what he said what he did. What he didn't do
as ebony put it to us from an eight hour standpoint. If it isn't documented, it didn't happen this by the way, is my exact
vice in any legal situation, is well. You heard me say it a million times document document document. In this case your building ebony said it needs to be what she called progressive meaning. It means to capture how this problem progressed over a period of time, Ebony told us that a lot of the time Chelsea a manager come to her office in right off the bat or dislike. I hate Bob Bob
gotta go and it's like ok, but what happened? What will your conversations with him like? What have you done to try to fix things? Did you document
you think you know I got no. I just hate Bob and one gone in ebony said that makes things much harder, of course, and this documentation, depending on your company it'll, probably,
go on for sixty to ninety days, while you give this guy every shot at turning the ship around and that will
probably mean micromanaging him for that period of time you might,
after rely on daily chickens, more explicit targets to hit more feedback conversations, try that for a month and see if he gets better and if he doesn't, you document
Did you performance manage him a little harder for another month and see if anything, changes, then, if absolutely nothing changes, the next step could be termination. Once you ve, articulated things that clearly and he's demonstrably now.
doing those things. Then in lebanese book you definitely have a leg to stand on in terms of holding this guy accountable, and all of this should be in partnership with HR, yeah, good advice and ebony said a few things might happen when you go through this process. This,
This guy is driving you crazy. He might realised that things are serious start to improve, which could be a good outcome or he might just get fed up and quit in which case problem solved kind of a greater
or he might get angry and actually get worse, in which case you keep documenting that you write it down. What do you say when he blows up or whatever it is, and you
That age are when you finally have enough evidence that this guy is a real problem. Ebony did say that there are a few other things worth keeping in mind, though. First of all, this is a twenty year employee,
this guy's, probably near retirement age, so make sure they
when be violating any type of good faith remain, or something like that by maybe terminating this employ very close to retirement. I've been his advice. Talk with your companies, council
and or hr before you make any huge employment decisions. The other thing that stood out to anybody is just how brazen this guy is we're ebony mind went was does this guy, I know somebody like really high up in the company. Does he have something on
but he also a company like do he undersea yoga church and then play golf together
every Sunday or something like that, or did he catch the ceo expensive a night at the this? Is me imagining what the scenarios are. Ebony was much more delicate than that, because this dude he's acting like is untouchable, as ebony said to us yes
It's an employees market these days, but most employees are not slagging off their customers and telling their bosses that there does not interested in doing any work. So maybe ask around sniff out some into
before you make a move so that you know exactly who and what Europe against here but bottom line.
If this guy will not change. I think this
ultimately has to go, not just because he's being a top shelf self bag at the moment, but because having
employee like this, can become like kind of cancer on a team it sucks up.
valuable time and energy it demoralize the good employees. It creates a toxic work environment. If this guy is this,
miserable he should leave. He should
Clean somewhere else, where he would be happier or can make a better impact. Yes, he's been there for two decades, but as any put it that doesn't give anybody a free
ride if he doesn't want to play ball than you have grounds to performance, manage them out of the organisation
You can go on and do something makes him happier and we
Agree with her there, one hundred percent. Definitely if you do all this fairly and transparently, then you'll have given
Skype every opportunity and after that, in my view, he's dug his own grave big thanks to ebony. First stage advice,
You can find ebony on Twitter and on Instagram at Career Supreme, which sounds like something you might order,
Talk about war on linked in, and she is great fantastic, tell an expert willing to all of her social in the shuts thanks
me for help and sat on this. One hope Ya'Ll enjoyed that. I want to
Everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened thank you so much go back and shit.
Out Amanda Montel on the language of culture and our deep dive on how to get your foot in the door. If you haven't heard that yet want to know how I managed to book all the amazing people on the show, it's all about the network and check out our six minute networking course, which is free over on the think, if it platform at Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash course, I'm teaching you how to build relationships and dig the well before you get thirsty. Drills, take just a few minutes a day again, all free at Jordan, Harbinger, dotcom, slash.
worse, owing to the showed us for the episode can be found at Jordan, Harbinger Dotcom transcripts and shone out. I'm at Jordan
you're on both Twitter and Instagram, or just sit me on Linkedin you can find gave on Twitter at Gabe
DA he or on Instagram at Gabriel, Ms Raw. He the show is created in association with Podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jays Sanderson, Robert Probity and bared milieu, Campo, Josh, Ballard and, of course, Gabriel.
Right. Our advice in opinions are our own and I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer, to do your own research before employee
Anything you here on the shell did
I've been a younger doktor Margolis his input, his general psychological information based on research and clinical experience, its intended to be judged.
one informational in nature and does not represent or indicate and establish clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Remember we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love, and if you found this episode useful, please do share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show. So you can live what you listen and Wilson
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I'm a Bin Laden himself, here's a quick, listen! We took so many prisoners. Eighty of them were taken to a clearing and it was decided there and then that these people will have to pay for the crimes of what they did. Seeing the blood thirsty nature of people who, just until a year ago,
He used to say that my sweet tender, decent good people suddenly basically became people who use chainsaws to dismember
its people alive. How could one year on Bosnia, one year of ugly conflict in these wonderful souls into ugly blood tests,
Individuals? When I went to sleep tat night, all I could think of what was. How could I see without see none other than the muster mind of man the Levin Kardashian hammered said to us. You should go to Afghanistan where that training camps are really opening to become good at bomb, making to become good at european warfare to become good access and nations
I'd kidnapping a new kind of war that will never be fought in the mountains anymore, but it will be fought in every urban centres from the boat to the bone. Suddenly, you know, I thought that the nature of the war is changing from fighting in the mountains of Bosnia. Basically, we're talking about getting people in Cinema said night clubs and trains. Of course that was unsettling, but I thought this is just the planting of one insane individual
cut it out its first serious attack against american interests. Everyone must jubilant in the camps that were firing will listen to the era celebration and shouting allow. We are no longer just a bunch of freedom fighters. We are now want to fight terrorism to hear why
an how Ayman dean, eventually switch sides from being a jihadi to spending eight years as an Emma six by trying to take Al Qaeda down
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Transcript generated on 2022-02-25.