This episode of the minimalist has brought to you by nobody, because average I suck tat, men and lists. The thing that leaves every little thing that you need every little thing, that's just feeding your greed. Oh, I bet that you'd be fine without it. Hello, simpletons. Welcome to the minimalist podcast, where we discuss what it means to live a meaningful life with less my name's joshua fields, millburn, and my name is ryan, nick Demus and together we are the minimalist today we're going to talk about mental health. We're going to talk about the psychology of healing we're to talk about consciously creating a healthy relationship with yourself,

with others and we're going to do that with doctor Nicole la parra daughter, Nicole nice, to be in here? Thank you both for having me, oh, my gosh, so talk to me about the holistic psychologist, or how did you? How did you get into this line of work I evolved in this line of learning. The link is the simplest answer. Joshua that question clinically, I'm a trained psychologist. So I had the practice for several years on the human side of things. I very much relief to word that came up in that practice. Quite often, which is stuck on this idea of I mean at least I fancied myself being self aware having a bit of inside obviously went to a whole lot of academic, true being on how to understand our emotional world in particular and make sense- and obviously I employed myself as the helper in the intervening, the room, I'm helping people break out, man, symptoms, really heel and several years into my in my career, I realise that I wasn't so

great, at doing that they realize again. Like I said, I had a really big pattern of stubbornness, a lot of difficulty with change with helping individuals, change and also, if I was being perfectly honest, with changing myself, so it really took, I think, a breaking down of the way I've been thinking for a very long time in terms of the human you know being trained in the mind of the human really just looking at that as a separate entity, and so the holistic psychologists really is an evolution of really embracing the. What I believe is the interconnected nature that makes us each human the mind, yes, the body

The mind is connected to and communicating with throughout the day, and I am of the belief that there's another entity, a soul of indescribable thing that makes us us, and so what the holistic psychologists is for me, is really a torn a a platform to begin to speak these truths and talk about again the universal epidemic of us and to hopefully provide some tools to begin to actually create change. If you have a book, that's coming out, you can preorder right now. If I could put a link to it in the show notes, it's called how to do. The work was talk about this a little bit because I think we'd be remiss if we didn't at least touch upon the subject here, so the subtitle, is recognise your patterns heal from the past and create yourself I saw that you believe that trauma is at the root of our current mental health crisis. Can we talk about that yeah absolutely so the stuckness that I'm referring to to a large extent is, is very much trauma based for a lot of us. I believe that,

and for a very long time, while in the nineties we did some research and we came to to develop this scale. It's called the aces scale, which really just means. You know the big bad things that happened to us, that many of us conceptualize as trauma the abuse and neglect. Finally, in the eighties, we came to the conclusion, after studying this, that there are some long term effects. What I've come to find in my own personal and professional experience is that that definition of traumas is far more pervasive and you know it. A lot of us have things that happened to us early on typically in life, where we carry wounding, we can carry adaptations essentially, the way we've dealt with all of this pain and we become very pattern and very habitual as creature, so that stuckness, that I was talking about comes from that

bert programming a lot of times like I was saying wrapped up around these wounds that I believe each of us in a do suffer as individuals, and so with the book now has become. The instagram is where I shall every day, and I talk about the job. appealing and I put out the content in the free tool so pretty much for anyone can begin to meet this, formation and understand, maybe themselves a little bit differently, a little bit deeper and do the work. The book now is the final place where I'm so excited cause. It's start to finish essential the whole conceptualisation up holistic. Psychology, like I said what makes a stock what keeps us stock and how we can create change disorder, but about the trauma that idea of trawling, because it's it's something that, as you said, we ve. We understood it to be one thing, as we view over the last forty

years or so, but it seems to me that, like we talk about it in terms of repressing trauma or carrying it with us and what what? Where? How do we? How do we unpack our trauma that the biggest way we unpack has a question? I get a lot, let's talk about trauma and a lot of times when we think of trauma. What most of us think of is right, the memory. I know this thing happen. I can map it back. It caused this pain in my life. We might even know what we did to try and cope or to feel better, and that, I think, is what comes top of mind and the reason why I talk about an expanded definition just to share my personal side of things is dont rank very high on that scale. I didn't have those big glaring kind of things that happen that I know cause me pay. And so for me, I was a bit confuse cause. I seeing still a lot of the same coping adaptation and a lot of the same tools that didn't know

thoroughly serve me. I have a pattern of dissociating of distancing myself. So the reason why I talk about this is, I was confused. I felt like something must be wrong because I was again, like I said, struggling in the same way that I was seeing people struggle that at these things. Some. The reason why I described that is some of us don't have either the experiences of those traumas that happen, and some of us don't have very much memory about past things. That happened, and I very much fall into that latter category. If you were to ask me about my childhood, I would have a very limited sense of what happened or what didn't and it wasn't because it was so catastrophic the bad and I think that's what a lot of us think of that I shut down, and it was just. There was a

slight overwhelm that was kind of consistently there that for a child it felt too much. So I bring that up because when I am asked about trauma and those of us who don't have those memories who can't pinpoint oh that thing happen and that carry some consequences. The way we can unpack our trauma to simply answer the question is to learn how to witness ourselves in our day day life and how to do so consciously because everything that we're talking about right now, the trauma the way we cope with it is housed in a part of our brain or in our mind that is called the subconscious. It's at auto pilot

I think by now many of us are familiar with. I dont think about life and I'm kind of going through the motions that in its from which that auto pilot kind of his is running, that we remain stuck in those motions. Causes motions are very pattered. So the way we unpack our trauma is we teach ourselves how to become conscious to how're showing up in the world with my belief, in theory that are patterns are visible, that everything I'm talking about all of these ways. We learn to cope all of these habits that aren't serving us become visible to us. We were no longer operating from that subconscious, so we can unpack our trauma in real time by witnessing

effects of it in real time. Gross margins questioned zeros of maybe you could help us answer. A few questions loved hip diana in Savannah. Georgia has a question for us. I have made a few lifestyle changes that have really helped me mentally emotionally physically, but I still find myself having what I call the phase where they're questioning my ability to hope that myself, I feel stuck, and it gets really to get out of that pessimistic mentality. I was wondering if you guys have data, and if you do, how do you deal with that? How do you get out of headed by the motivation and positive, keep pushing forward. Looking little soccer diana about me, first, I hear this value judgment right at the beginning. I have these bad mental health days, which presupposes there are good mental health days and bad mental health days. I suspect you don't look at it that way. I actually urge and suggest a solid to redevelop anew. But have not passing judgment period or getting,

of good bad, should shut in another judgment, love to cast upon ourselves. So, yes, simple, answer be as objective as possible. Things are, as they are just the esa. So? What would you tell someone live if Diana were to come to you and and talk to you about the pessimism that she's feeling these these bad mental health days? What how would you try to help her unpack us so peeling back the layers and we'll call it distress right? There is distress, I'm having a distress day, stressful. They not bad. The first thing I would offer is its normal. I think a lot of us think- and I think probably I was this person at one time. We have some expectation of one feeling state forever more and we just that is it and what human is human. We have a breath of feelings. The positive lack for lack of a better word end of the spectrum, a negative sense.

There's fluctuation. We need to learn how to have a stressful thing happen. Metabolize stress become stressed in our bodies. If you will and then returned to baseline, so the first offering I will is that variation in our human experiences around our emotions is normal. So any of us at our thing we're going to avoid the more distressing side of emotions. Isn't the case with that said, we can really begin to understand the role were playing in terms of our emotional world and what I mean when I say That is, you know if you are someone so diana right. Maybe I know that I ruminate. Maybe I can see that first negative train of thinking. Oh today's, no good very bad day than I just keep repeating that throughout the day, the longer you repeat for

of a better word again, a negative thought, the the more chances that you're going to have a body reaction. So we want to pay attention to how much attention were paying to our thinking, mines and a lot of us continued a collar. Our experiences with the negative I could be that person. I we got by one negative thought and if I'm not careful, I continue down snowplow of negative thoughts and before I know it by twelve p m, I feel negative so becoming aware- and we stop our thoughts as something of an offer right here right now and the good teaching moment so don't beat ourselves up about the thoughts at your word, missing in our mind. We want to learn how to give them less attention, mean we can't shut them off. We all wish we could when that first thought come. So if it is a negative thought, if you will, we want a practice removing our attention and the best place to put our attention to kind of piggy back. What we were just talking about consciousness is in the current moment, so we can you

senses. What am I seeing touching tasting feeling? Can I focused on what I'm feeling in this moment, instead of my maybe negative, based thought patterns, yeah, I remember one time I miss this phone call with a man that I had set up its civic time to talk to him. I was two hours late to it, and I felt so horrible and I was talk and he could tell he's like. Do you really stress about this? Aren't you know my gamma like this is something that should up in my life, and like I made this commitment, you have a really bad that I broke it when he was like if you want to earn my forgiveness he's like. I want you to be kind yourself about this. he's like that is. That is how you can be forgiven by me, but it was the best advice that I ever got because now, when I find myself having these bad days, which Do I have a lot of them instead of in cod in that spiral of self doubt that self judgment I try to talk to my a little bit kinder, even if I screw up something instead,

beating myself up, it's a matter of like ok. What can I learn from this? How can I, how can I he kind of myself through this negative emotion, one of the best pieces advice that I read what think about leg physical it is when someone is feeling down for me. I know extant just going on a walk with me. Fill with better getting on the sun, exercising like, if I can just get on, I have an exercise bike. If I could get on there for like twenty minutes, I know that I feel so much different afterwards. These aren't lake miracle cure. but they are there, they are They definitely help it does. Does that play a role at all with with these bad days one per se and mean part of holistic is acknowledging the connection between the mind and the bodies are just as much as we are all talking about right. My thoughts, anything most listeners. How that experience? I think a stressful thought, my body, sarka, really stress hormone, my heart rate might start to incur

I might tents, my body is sending messages to my mind. So for some of us- and this is where it's really individualise, which is why you'd never hear reproach universally everyone. Do this one we're sadder this summer angry because we all are different energetically. A lot of us, though movement, even gentle gentle, stretching, does Moving. We have energies coursing through our body, anything at all times, breathing walking it doesn't have to be something strenuous. I know a lot of us are compromised physically. However, discharging our energy physically can go a long way to calm our body and then the signal that are the message are mind will begin to get. Is one that somewhat calmer than that, agitated energy? So, unlike you, I've learned very begrudgingly. So let especially when I am what I label is agitated and that can be different for everyone else. I've come to know my body is in addition. Unfortunately, I have to get and take the walk. Do the movement, its might be. The last thing I want to

But again I want to reiterate its very individualise is: is it me saying everyone go out and have run when you're upset, because some, owls that might not help their energy feel more balanced than most of us all for the discharge of energy is agitated and allowing us to return back to balance. I love that idea of the discharging of energy because, with I wanna hear it sounds like she's looking for a way to fix these days in there isn't. There is no fear. it is a matter of how are you dealing with these symptoms? Are you letting it passed through so to speak, this energy instead of looking for a way to block it, it's a diet. Maybe one ask yourself: how can I let this energy flow through me? How can a discharge that energy, I love? That's your cause, you're, really highlighting something else, which I get just quickly a lot of times a lot of talk about bypassing ray and- and this is about, think the happy thought diane or anyone listening re. It is actually like you said about releasing

to allow it to go a lot of us get very good at stuffing it right, that's not actually releasing, so it's not just grab onto the net. happy thought and hold onto until you're happy again for a lot of us. It's fine that release for the negative crap so that I can free up my energy to return to balance to then elevate into the more positive, and so it has to be clear on that. I know a lot of some us, listen to dine here. Oh bypassing, don't ever focus, and I appreciate that you highlighted the importance of letting the negative be larger there than there is no. fix, there's only change re if I were to make a pretty little maxim because we and what I love about. What you're talking about article is you're not offering the prescription. You know it's not the seven step plan to be happy rate because we ve tried all those and they hadn't worked out for us very well right. We ve tried the steps and

momentarily through chasing pleasure or chasing happiness. We have achieved it momentarily, but course it's always ephemeral and then were always let down because oh wait. I didn't achieve the state of perpetual pleasure boats because that state doesn't exist and the problem here is actually the the solutions are, are turned into the probable lamps people Diana and myself and most of us, we seek out the the fix rain and by seeking out the fix in many cases, it actually makes us more discontent. Doesn't it Well, Diana I'm going to send you what what Kansas city yeah, but as soon as available to send your copy of Nicole's book, it's called how to do the work will send you a copy of that also linked to the show notes for anyone who is interested, we question here from Emily in Houston, they have been- and I am looking to london sand.

I know I'm having a fantastic time minimizing our belonging, but I'm already stressed by the number of people who are saying they're going to come stay with us, I'm an outgoing introvert. So well, I enjoy time out of the house with friends and family, my home, my sanctuary, I'm fine with immediate family and close friends visiting every now, and then my philosophy being that, if I come to visit you not the city you live in, but you

Then you are more than welcome to do the same. The problem is that my in laws, friends and extended family, most of whom I have never met- have already begun to invite themselves to use our house as a hotel. They only want to visit because they want a free place to stay in london, not to spend time with us. Not only is this offensive to me, but I won't stand for it. This is not a hotel, it is my home and I am not a mate preparing the guest room and cleaning up after them will always fall on me, and I already have a full time job. As I said, my home is my sanctuary and I do not want people who are not extremely close to me or my husband staying in it. So my question is, How do I prevent this from happening without angering my husband's parents or insulting those who are asking? I should mention that the family is indian, and my mother in law have told me directly. This is just the way. Indians are, I told you to get a one bedroom. How can I find a way to maintain the peaceful life that I need, while also maintaining peace

the com under? What were you tell Emily here, because she knows what she wants and that's a beautiful thing it it's she's, not on the fence but she's worried about and causing stress in her life and probably in her marriage as well as she's, worried about offending someone, and there is a certain amount of attachment that she has to that. That feeling of I don't want to offend anyone ever. Do you see that in this at all, I see that in this I see that very common. I see this in myself and my history with my family. I mean this goes deep. I'm hearing there's a cultural component coming from a much more what we would call individualistic culture, I mean at least her in laws etc. One of the answers in a couple of different ways- the first one of the devastating ways first, which is that we can control what other people do, the way, their their belief system

It's our right. I'm hearing a little bit of I had this conceptualization right if you're close enough- and I stay with you, my home is open. A lot of us tend to them project our beliefs or the way we conceptualize the world onto others being right? We assume that everyone else thinks the same. So why are they? You know then, asking to stay at my place when it's not reciprocal in my definition, so the first answer that I'm gonna give is: we have to eat a week we have to if we are some one who holds expectations for others. That's a first practice. We want to minimize the amount of time that were expecting others to view the world is asked to behave as us to think as us, etc. The list goes on a lot of us. Do that That's the first internal work, because you know outside of even this relationship, Emily and anyone else listening. We do that all the time I do it to fly per My meaning

words, my belief about what you should do in this moment: joshua, but based on what I should do. So that's it always practice. Men, maybe realizing here that there isn't a should here, is even shut in, although it feels that way, because I'm so me I've, always I've only known me ray it's. The person I've been if my entire life and in that? There's? A lot of should insurance that I've defined mama own or because I've been a culture rated to do so re. But of course there isn't a should or should in the way that your parents want to what the world to be

Is it right or wrong, good or bad in the way you want the world to be, isn't right or wrong, good or bad rest ass? I love that and I'm really happy you we, you offered that at this point, because that is true and its part of the work. As far as I see it, and I hope that the book how to do the work will help is one of those spiritual are one of the traumas you talked about earlier, I define as a spiritual trauma. This kind of rocks in here, is not having the space to be authentically tickly express having so many of those moments where, did share our belief, sir we're just expressed our self in the world and we were told some version of shudder shunted, I'm so the goal I believe is the, learn how to hold space for not only my belief and expression in the world, but for others to do the same. So as we heal, we are going to meet people, especially from our families, a lot of us and that's going to be where it gets complicated. Where we do here, these should so. The first goal of the work is like you're saying to extricate.

the judgments to understand that we all have the space to be as we are and to cultivate the ability to let other people have that space. That is not to say that we have to take down what I call boundaries that we can't have limits right. So so friends, the answer, this question directly right, Emily can actually have a limit of who she is comfortable with saying in her actual home and whom she is it, and it is absolutely Emily's job. This is where boundaries are an act. Action for us to take for us its art, to define our limit, which means than communicating whether its through her through the partner, whoever how gets communicate it, where those limits are whom I'm comfortable with having in the home and whom I am not, and this is where I'm segue over when I I'm an answer the first question. Initially, once I delete the limit, and I tell the person you know that my what my home is not over

at this time or I just I would prefer to keep it to my immediate family. The reaction that the other person has, unfortunately, is, is and is not our responsibility attend to, and this is where a lot of us do our sovereignty service. So I am the human who was so concerned, but what everyone else around me wanted or needed before? You ve got to the showed her assurance in my mind, and I had a really pivotal moment my own healing journey, where I was asked what I wanted to do in a similar contacts. I had all these requirements from these people around me and everyone thinking about what I should do and my friend very calmly looked across the table for me However, we were setting and said what do you want to do for this that, and I didn't even have an answer-

so Emily. I want to commend you listening though it might not feel like you ve, already kind of done a big portion of the work, the fact that you know what works for you and what does it before we got to the top of communicating it, of course, of the sound like that's where she sat right right that I want to commend you for that. his eye was a human a decade ago. Who did it? No, I didn't know what I want to say: never practice filtering through will. How does it feel for you this event? So that's the short of it, and so you were willing to suffer to a great extent, because everyone else's expectations were thrust upon you. Of course, you can't meet everyone's expectations. You can meet all your facebook, friends occasions, let alone the world writ large in. So you were in a constant state of of suffering in a way because you could never achieve this thing that you set out to achieve suffering and exhaustion endless exhaustion and then the by product of this, and why, which is why I talk about

now and boundaries, and so anyone who is listening and knows our limits will first define our limits. are they. What do they need to be? How can I free feel free or to be myself in these relationships and then, obviously, once I put them up in a deal in with a lot of the feel bad that happen. Maybe the very real reactions that happen, because over time, the more I don't put myself or even tend to my own needs and in any way on the unfortunate byproduct, does come into my relationships, because what I to do and I'm speaking for my personal experience and patterns have seen and others I tend to point my finger, everyone around me whether you do your best friend, whether or not you family. We share her last name whether or not you partner, mom, you know choosing to spend my days with I'm mad at you, you're the problem. You are not meeting my needs When really I have to point that finger

around and look at each and every one of those moments where either consciously or unconsciously, I overstepped my own needs for everyone else. So sounds like Emily's mental health. Isn't the only thing at stake? It's also her relationship with her husband I love we set about boundaries. If so she needs. chinese, her by and she needs understand what our boundaries are, but she also because she lives with her husband has to understand what his boundaries are. So Emily gotta come up with those bounds with your husband. Ultimately, as long as you, too are on the same page, I feel like that's what matters most you might you know peeves a few family members or in laws, are friends of the family, but ultimately in I always feel egg. The people that we love me and care about me. They're gonna, support me and if leaned her husband approach this in a way of like hey, look, I know that you love me and it's really important for me to have these boundaries and

need for. You do to support me on these boundaries. I mean the people. A truly lover and one or two be happy- will will probably end up supporting her. There might be a little bit of a growing pain, but but yeah. I think boundaries are so much more important than just throwing her hands in the air and billing. Well, I guess is what this is. My life now yeah I'll, be careful with the being on the same page. They I agree with you. I think that it is great if it two of them will be on the same page if they are on the page and I would say the same thing to emulate that mercosur want to go. I wouldn't allow myself to be exhausted or suffer because you have to get on the same pages him all right, and so I think the only person with whom you can be on the same page as yourself at extent, and then, if there's overlap between you and your husband, I think that's that's wonderful, but

at you you're going to want to have those boundaries and if you can get him on board, not by shaming or blaming, as you alluded to a moment ago, but by your convincing him through showing that the benefits of having your own, you know your own boundaries. I think that's a. I think it can be really useful for your relationship now, hopefully ryan yeah. I hope that they can be. On the same. Why do I think with any relationship I mean approaching it the metaphor with you just kind of said you're, We're gonna be on the same page with anyone I mean. Technically I mean you are your own person maybe they're in the same book. Maybe they can start there but but really you know it's about Emily expressing to her husband hated what I need for my mental health me having good mental health is gonna help our relationship. It's gonna help me actually get along better with your family. What do you think about that and he might come from a different direction? Well, here's what I want! I mean just like any relationship. Theirs

to be some sort of compromise, and yes, oh, I totally agree and in the sense that you don't stress yourself out. If you lay down these boundaries and then you're huh family says. we're not gonna do that. You know don't don't beat yourself up. because they won't do exactly what you're, what you're asking them to do. If you do it, it in a way of like a collaboration. You probably he get to a point where both sides are relatively good. Without things will go down in the future, with people visiting their house yeah to save it that she's not asking her family to do anything she's ask him to not do something right, don't break into my. Also I- and so I think, that's the nice thing about these boundaries here and I'm going to leave it with this Emily. I'm going to send you a copy of. We have something called the minimalist rule book. It's actually not a rulebook. We just What that, because everyone always asking us for definitive prescriptions,

and so we caught at sixteen rules for living with less, but we thought about just making it blank at four hundred haggard edna. It's the minimalist rulebook, sixteen rules from them with us. It's it's free! On our website domino. Most stockholm slash rulebook. There is also an audio book version. There is well, but what we do very became, explain how there is actually no rude work. What we ve done as we found some rest Is that have worked really offer me and ryan. You can adjust. Those recipes for taste not use any of the rules at all. If you like, we're, certainly not prescribing anything, yeah emily, but if you want to check that out, it's called the minimis rule book buckets over at the minimalists dot com. Slash rule ryan? What time? Is it? Tom it is. It is time for our lightning round where we answer your text messages you can text your quest. In comments to nine three seven too, euro, two four, six, five, four. Yes, indeed, those tax both of our phones and we respond to as many as we can personally, but also we respond some here on the pod gas so

Well, you can help us here. We have a question from t J. What can you do promote healing and someone other than yourself, I've opinion. Before you try to do it. We wrap it up and we call these minimal maxims sean puts them in the show notes, so we can copy and share pithy answers on social media. Might my pithy answer here. to t J. What can I do to promote healing and someone other than myself? I say listening is the best medicine. I think that's. Why the only things we can do, because this is the prescription thing again my what what what can I do? how can I forced my friend to heal in it I. I have trouble with that, but I think I know one thing you can do is listen. Can lesson we talk about the power of listening yeah. The power of listening I mean listening is a practice. That is one way. I definitely want to offer as answer. Not a lot of us, listen to listen,

More are often the ny enemy, not speak for myself. When I know when I am hearing someone speak at me, my mind is constantly making associations, oh like what they said? Oh, I don't agree with owed. Absolutely not if, like this for me, Oh, you know what actually wasn't like this when you said it was like that right so constantly, I'm now not listening. I'm listening to my own thoughts. What I'm listening is a skill that means again, those thoughts are going to happen, they're going to try to color my conversation and learning how just like we talked about earlier to remove my attention from the hook of the thought that I could go on this rabbit hole and bring it back. To what's being sad. So listening is that's what we're tug mary expanding holding space? Let me actually he Are you different human separate from me and your thoughts without me, coloring? What I hear you're saying with my own past experience now just hearing a reflection of me back

would you tell the tale dj here? He wants to promote healing and someone other than himself. So my end or to that- and I know it's not often the popular one- it's to focus on healing the self is beautiful. Things happen couple directions he could go I could he'll and if I'm having a lot of times, this question is addressed in the context of what we perceive the difficult relationship, and I want you to change so I can experience or that we can experiences relationship differently by focus on myself. The ernie, of course, is not, as we all agree here, not one step shop with self healing. If I begin to do the work on myself, irish spears relationship differently, the issue that I thought is no longer and or I inspire the other person, this kind of comes back to the question we're talking about last to raven Emily and if I start to put up boundaries in my relationship- and sometimes it only takes a bit of time before the partner looks over

it is like a wow Emily starting to be. You know inspired her. You know this question: whenever friend, you want to inspire, as you start to shift in transforming your life that could be one of the most inspirational things that actually might facilitate someone's entry into them. own change, but it's nothing. We're gonna do or say or demand or threaten, which is I the tactic. A lot of us take to create changed so much There is always some version of the same, which is focus in you, show up differently and then change happens without the dale carnegie quote. I think it's a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still, and I think we have to think about that. This question in that respect, yeah yeah are you gonna convey? Do they want to heal? If so, then, maybe you creating the healing and yourself or or being the the

paragon of healing for that purpose or just listening to them. He'll themselves yeah. But if you're convincing someone yacht act, hearing healing them at? I think T J. He jays coming from a very loving, so They see someone that is hurting and they feel like they should do. With him they can to try to fix up person from hurting I go through this with melbourne. nobody has a lot of health problems and we could sit here and talk for. Half hour about all the health problems experienced over the past couple years, but I will see him and just think man like my brain, so the search for this answer on what can I tell him to make him feel a little bit better? But really you know, I think, the most important thing we can do that maybe Maybe it's always gonna, be the right choice which is showing compassion which which actually leads into my pithy answer when in doubt show compassion. So if all else fails and

you have someone who is in pain if you can show them compassion, I mean you can never go wrong doing that. I feel like I'm really sorry, you for pointing that out. That is, I think, the deepest. We want to change things around us, typically from a place of discomfort. so thank you for your honoring, that and honoring that aspect of all of us when we see loved ones, especially the closer the relationship, the more time we spend with them, the closer they are to us, of course, is a very natural human part of each of us. That does want them to feel better. That does become paint when we see someone else suffer hang in there might be at a different place of our own healing journeys and have maybe have had incredible success with something that maybe did sound similar. You know and you feed that's an avenue. A lot of us

Oh, your story sounds a lot like my, and this is what worked for me, I'm very well intentioned in those moments. I want you to feel better. Just like I am again that's where we just can't make those assumptions. I'd, like you, said, very beautifully right not to people aren't the scheme that's one of the deepest existential crisis either be will of his human existence is going for. but surely believes we believe as a separate ness to this more interconnected one s and we keep our self separate lot of ways and the reality of it is in a lot of ways. We are separate we're different, but we can have space for all of us before we get into our listener tips and our added value segment. Today it was I who had a bunch more surprised, questions this week. What is the potential of post, traumatic growth pity He they're calling this? How does one ever really heal from greece? Can you if so, how is this in time, heals true.

Can we learn to manage or eliminate our innate desire for closure and after, Giving someone for wrong doing. Is it ok to not reconcile also got a million. questions about healing and trauma for doktor, Nicole para, if you hear all that subscribed to our maximum episode on the minimum private pocket, it's a completely suffer podcast and is the most honest for the minimum to earn an income, because we don't believe in advertisements by the way, if you're, not a private, podcast subscriber you're, literally missing more than half of our show proud about two thirds of our show plus huh. of hours of past private episode, I tried out for a week or a month, it's cheaper than a cup of coffee head on over to the minimalists dot com, slash support to subscribe and get your personal link so that our private podcast plays and your favorite pie ass, tat, ryan, ross, you for us this week here are some voicemail comments and tips from our listeners check him out guys, my name's sally from Victoria Australia. I wanted to share with you, and

I heard about on Dan Harris's, ten percent happier podcast irene I know, but I'm trying to reduce the aps I have on my fine. I swear that I found this one to be quite meaningful. The aps called we crow, and for ninety nine cents. You get a reminder. Five times a day, random times that you're going to die, sounds a little green bet. It has truly had a really positive impact on my day to day life. Overall, I I would say I've tried to bryce the goal of living, my life according to my values, but on a daily basis, I know I can easily be travelled and distracted by the little things being man They reminded throughout the day that I'm going to die has meant that in the moment, I'm not putting the small stuff as much. I've noticed chief, see my behaviour in small ways. I guess so getting of twitter more quickly find that I'm done that rabbit whole. Putting down of books,

that I'm not enjoying or even let loose a favorite candle just because the no reason and not think I should save it for another day. I don't know. Why do that anyway, bigger reflections. I've also noticed such is not caring, so about what people think. I found that I am moving on more quickly from mistakes I've made a mess Only two may it's really emphasised on a daily basis,

actions that I have let the people I love and how much I want to focus on on days. Paypal, high ryan and just this is a man from the open about a year ago, after listening to a few of your pod costs, I decided to stop day cluttering my house. I struggled getting started, though, as the whole task thought to overwhelm me. Luckily, for me, I had a good friend who is in the same situation and we agreed to join forces for the last twelve months. My friend salmon, I spent every friday together, alternating between her house and mine, helping each other work our way through every cupboard, shelf and storage area. Some weeks have been really emotionally stressful. Some have seen us covered head to toe in dust, but we have donated and thrown away hundreds of kilograms of no longer needed items and have had a lot of fun along the way. Our job, thanks again to doktor, Nicole apparel for joining those today, her forthcoming book is called how to do it.

Or you can priority now put a link to the show notes, were also gonna, put a link to her instinct Macao are millions of people follow It's really a community and encourage you to follow her over there. If you have instagram or check out her youtube channel will also put a link to her youtube channel in the show notes. If you're looking for information about mental health or healing, I think she is a phenomenal resource. She really strikes me as an enlightened person and we dive deep in the maximal episode about. Healing and trauma, but I would also you to check out oliver work on instagram, youtube, etc, for today, this week's we're talking about mental health right. Did you watch the show? Euphoria? No, don't hbo and its His show about teenage mental health and ooh. You know how, when we were teens were all volatile to the people around us, especially to drama I'm assuming it is okay, yeah and- and it really brings out the peer pressure but modern a peer pressure from the bottom,

gin, z, teenage kids, and it makes me think a big mouth on netflix around which is less all episode of that year and cartoon yeah occur, and like deals, but it deals with these teenage acts and mental through through comedy and stuff, but as this darker than that ok yeah, but but it's it's a really great chosen. Daya is the main character and she does the nominal job, but they just do a great job with modern day like that. You bring technology into the anxiety in the discontent. Of course, you bring drugs and sex and in all of these social media, yeah yeah. It's not from media, but social pressure right, which is is propagated by social media, but even without social media dating in all of these other things that that didn't in fact our childhood of all the strengthening society that we had.

teenagers in the nineties and and you move forward to the day in its excel arrayed do when will show dude, I was thinking about her grateful, am that we grew up and went to high school without social media. Yes, I feel very lucky actually does like not go through high school with that I even think about like the dating hap piece of it. Cause, I mean just because you're in high school, does it mean that you don't have access to that right. Wow will show called euphoria. You can check it on hbo and real quick for right here right now. Here's one thing: that's going on in the life of the minimised, have any towards dates on the calendar right now, but you can check out our previous events. If you go to the minimalist stockholm slash previous, right. We ve been on nine tours of the last ten years and a lot of those events. We have a video or audio for those or photos. You can see photos from past whores as well. It's really fun

go back. I go but yeah. I go back every once in a while. Yeah. Well, especially like twenty eleven twenty twelve and you can see ryan's cargo ship to be quite sure that we would go on to norway and short hair home of the different person we have like matching white shirt, so we switched out the main character and season three one has noticed. Yet it's really only goodness is so it actually that's a really because you look the same today as you did, then I'm like when I go back and like all my I used to be so young yeah. well now you just why advance gas? Durban was stuck arms like previous. If you want to see his tour dates over there. You can also subscribe for to our email list. If you want to be notified, when we are coming to a city near you, you can follow the minimalist on facebook, twitter and the ground at the minimalist condone of our life partners. Jos visit the minimalists dot, slash tour to find city near you whenever those pot back up again

I shall comment or minimalism took four podcast email voice. Mamma to podcast at the man was stuck on. Your comment on this episode. Youtube com, slash the minimalist, and if you want our show notes in your inbox sana far email lest over the minimalist stuck com, you also receive our simple sunday emails, whenever we send those, but I can say what we want and you will never send you spam or john or advertisements for peanuts picks up a plurality of your money back, oh, my god, you live here. They were just one message: we help assess, love people and use things because the opposite never works.

well, you will see a next time and every little thing. That means every little thing that you need. Every little thing, that's just feeding your greed. Oh, I bet that you'd be fine without it.