I think the challenge we've created in society is that we believe that a long relationship is a successful one and really my definition of a relationship welcome to the school of greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help. You discover how to unlock your inner greatness thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

a few months ago, jewish eddie and I release the first part of our new series, awkward therapy and those of you were heard. It loved it and you really made us excited to see the responses. So, thank you for all the love and for listening and checking out that episode, and today I want to bring the episode that was originally on J show to share with you those who missed it on my podcast and this conversation is all about intimate relationships and what we ve learned as with navigated through them, throughout our lives and careers, and if your fan of the series makes her to let us know and follow both the school of greatness and also followed J show on purpose where ever you get your podcast. The episode around spirituality and success will be released on J show later this week as well, so make sure to check that one out on him

I'll make sure to let us know what topics you wanna hear from us next, as we are so excited to continue this series with you welcome to awkward therapy with family pairing on Tik tok, you can customize your teens tik tok experience in a way that works for both you and your teens and allow you to set screen time limits, whilst still giving your teens the freedom to safely explore. You can also manage who can send messages to your team, whether it's their friends or no one and more privacy and content settings to its a great opportunity to have a conversation with your team about online safety as you set it up together, activate family pairing and the settings

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moments of extreme pressure, were unsuitable. A champion tim tb discussing how to find your unique personal mission in the world think like a champion, is available for free on audible or wherever you get your purchase. Is it possible to be exclusive with an love one person, follow the a tiger I've ever I've that so we put it out there. And we would encourage you to have this conversation so's. You know we're people at work the people at home, maybe not worthy of a very important. I think if we want to encourage you to share this with one person that you think to be interesting now this conversation with

Maybe that is your partner, a friend or whatever? Maybe your parents say your prayers and listen to this share this conversation with one person and set a time to have a discussion about what you heard, what you like? Maybe what you didn't like from this conversation and and share with us in the comments below and this channel, what was the most interesting thing or what you'd added Debbie use F b. I love the end and by the way, the reason why this code or could there is both me louis nobel prize winner, we're trying to figure life, and we believe that having open and honest conversations help us do that, because you get to hear things from another perspective and you get to just think about something for a lot longer than like the second, you make decisions so anyway, David, I think sir was the answer. Can you do

have you ever think of when we grew up yet we watch a lot of movies that would portray this fantasy, or this ideal is call it that you, you find the prince for the princess in its happily, ever after and there in the real world things happen, people move town, you get an opportunity for somewhere, you have to do on distance and there's challenges. There was a break up this summer.

Had and they're still lingering in the new conversation or they're talking to their acts or things just happen in life or you're, just on instagram and you get distracted by and you think that everyone else is better than the relationship you have. There's all these shiny opportunities right are these different people that could bring you more joy or love than in the current relationship, and you and I both have friends that are in. Let's call it open relationships. I guess you'd call polyamory right where they have multiple partners or you have one main partner and you have multiple relationships and we both know people that have been married for a long time

gates who are happily married. We both know people that have been married for decades and are unhappily married, and so I guess what it we know. I mean, I think what you said is spot something for me like. I grew up as a hopeless romantic based on movies and music. So I always believed that there's the one- and I wanted this- big romantic relationship, and I love like flowers in like poetry, I say long walks and surprises and gives because I bought into what hollywood showed me so for me, I think, for a long period of my life. I believed that love was what I when the movies- and I know that sounds ridiculous, but in my teens I would say that was massively what I saw it. I was watch american movie, so people getting started far more like was like a big deal in america movies or whether is like finding that one person who's gonna, solve everything right and then,

start recognizing that oh wait a minute. I had a few relationships that look like down the outside, but then they didn't feel that way. Well, wait a minute! I've had a few breakups. Now, oh wait a minute like I thought this person was the one, but they and then you start recognising. Now that I've been in along relationship, longterm relationship, you start realizing love- looks completely different and so I think for me the way I address this to the way I think about this is that, first of all, you have to define what love means to you and what you want love to be for some people. They just want love to feel like attraction desire to rush desire and if that's, how define love chances. Are you gonna want an person every man, every year has desire or that type of chemical desire explosive ness fades. Eventually. This study showed that too, and I do not think that you can have desire for someone

I know one google as regards like thirty years, and they would still say they have love. I desert yeah, there's different levels, a desire, there's like a cautious, healthy desire where you admire respect your inspired by, and that creates that chemistry. In that. whether you want to call it sexual desire or whatever desire you create in your intimacy in a relationship, but the explorer serve like unhealthy desire, I feel like only comes when you're kind of trauma, and they each have their like early on right. You see something and you're like I want that, but then there was never like a foundation of values. What you really want in your life together agreements, this conscious conversation around being a couple: yes Yes- and I would say one thing you said which relation to make as I think it's another societal narrative is that the desire fades and really We both know that desire deepens leg. It becomes lizzie, and so it's not that it goes away. It's just that it evolves, but if you are only into

initial desire. I remember for a long time I mean my greatest joy came from the pursuit and the chase and the conquest pre, monk life yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. I got a lotta prima live, so I got a lot of joy out of wanting to see if I could get, someone like dollar, there lies a year, because that was the mindset that I was brought up and now, of course, when I look back at this, I don't believe in that as a value, I don't think I don't think women or anyone or something to get, but I think growing up as a teenager, who wasn't exposed to any form of wisdom were inside. You grow up with them Tell it to you, like you, only trying to prove it to yourself: that's all you're, a lawyer like bodies or something to be like this person's enemy or look what which ultimately, you trying to prove to yourself that you a word. These are your friends, respect

absolutely are you going out to obtain this thing. So how long were you doing that up until I can? How old were you when you stopped the chase? Twenty one, twenty twenty one, better man than me, yeah man me, what I realized was that there is a lot of fun to the chase right there. So fun. It's like this addictive drug is like there is someone out there that I'm attracted to, or has something that I want, or I want to be.

In contact with them, whether it's a relationship or a hookup or whatever my right and then the the attempt to go after. I guess accomplishing this feat is like a drug. It is like this chemical drug that makes you kind of obsessive about it right until you get it and then, when you get it from a place that is unconscious, it never was fulfilling or rewarding for me right and it was creating a foundation from something that wasn't based on values, vision, lifestyle, things like that, but never worked out. For me. It was never healthy and might have been fun for six months or might have been some good intentions here and there, but it never long term worked out because there wasn't a foundation of conscious relationship being developed, and I think that's what you did with radii like when you got out of them the monk life and you started a relationship with radha. You guys started from the beginning. What you've told me is about here are my values. Here's my mission, I'm on a mission

and to be in powerful and serve humanity. This is the type of marriage I want to create. This is the type of life I want to have. This is the some of the stuff. I remember you telling me, I think, going into a relationship with conscious conversations is probably one of the only ways to set yourself up to win for a lifetime together. If you want If I know a lot of, I know a lot of people, said to me well, I enjoy. Why the chasing the pursue like? I did and you pretty much one a new person every month driver for men at least or amend that I know where you kind of can get bored quickly. Someone entertained you for a few more. and then, after that, you need something new. You didn't chase again to chase the and and the drug again, which is a great definition and you keep moving and moving and moving, and then the individual

to decide. I think the choice is: do I want a long term relationship or do I not, and there are gifts and pain points in both? Yes like there are really exciting amazing things about dating someone new every few months. And there were really painful parts about it. Absolute and then there's loads of amazing things about being with someone for a long amount of time, or at least long for me as ten years, because that's the longest I've ever done with someone, but then there are loads of challenging parts about that, and I think everyone just has to know what type of life they're signing four and that's where we're having this conversation is. I dont think that you have to love one person for the rest of your life and I dont think someone should be was to believe. That's the only way life works, especially because some people dedicate their life to someone, person leaves them where the naturally or unnaturally someone leaves them because daisy

fidelity or whatever they may be. And the point is that you can't force someone to say there is only one person and I think often the institutions of the world, marriage and religion, often kind of an forced people to believe that, where you got married at twenty one, you're going to be with this person for the rest of your life or your failure, correct mistakes or you something something's wrong with you yet, but as one of the things why people stay in a relationship for way too long, They don't want to be something a major mistake or something wrong with them, so they try and try and try to make it work, and maybe they could have made a work, but they just one in alignment or something but a lot of people. I think our shame when they get a divorce, are there in guilt or their in sadness, for this loss because

it didn't work out, they weren't who they thought. They were something happened, trier. It's a lot. I've seen people have been to divorce, it's not fun any just a break up has not fallen. Even if you got married and not people goes your breakups and struggle for a long time. It seems like so relationships. Can we messy for sure yeah, but what I discovered in one year of mri, serbia or one you want to have years of intense therapy starting a relationship this something that I've never done, but for the last ten years I wanted to start. A relationship in therapy and men. Martha started that when we first started kind of hanging out, we weren't with dating for the first few months, be kind of a hang out and she was dating other people. I was doing other people and or just kind of out in the world where we started,

getting more serious about it. Ass, like listen. I've always wanted to do this and I think it's a deal breaker. If we don't do this, because I just want to make sure that we are setting ourselves up for success in of peace. Joy and for me, success in a relationship is to individuals independent living their lives and sharing their lives together like She's gone for a couple weeks, workin on a project and madeira now and I'm in los angeles, doing my thing. I know you and your wife, she might be gonna, u might be travelling and sometimes you're doing it together and sometimes depart and having the freedom and flexibility to be yourself and also be in a relationship. I think that's for me

What a success at this season of my life, maybe in ten years, it'll work like something different there and I think that's the point really seem like a seasons, because you have asked a question like: why do we think or why have you in this season decided to be exclusive to one person? And I think often we do that subconsciously. I dont think everyone intention the things I feel I'm ready for a long term relationship. Now I don't we do. I think we assume that a one point you meant to kind of get into one and settle down rather than the conscious choice. All your. Easily avoiding that and you're going? No, no! No! No! No. The last thing I want to do is get married or settle down or be in a longterm relationship, and so for me, it's like everyone has to sit there and look in the mirror and go I do I want either right now what serves me and what serves my vision and what serves what I'm trying to do that

is, I think, when you go back to what is my vision for my life and what I really want, what will support that vision? The highest level, if you're, a single guy and your vision is to you now be really focused on your mission in your business. Grows in your health and if you're, spreading or energy around ten different women you're dating at once over a year or something or, however, many want to date. There is a lot of excitement to that lifestyle, but then you have to unwind, essentially written. You know reject every person that you're not gonna, be with so, like this on? Why me there's this hurt phase this phase, If you're you know, having challenging conversations and detaching from that intimacy those connections and that's a lot of energy. It's a lot of effort, that's pulling you from your health or your other relationships or building something deeper and more meaningful. When you have ten surface level relationships as opposed to one.

for. I have different friends who have tried the whole polly emory thing who have had multiple partners at the same time that one person and then other people in the south and I've never met one man who has successfully, I mean had peace in a life. What say consistently years doing that there might be a year or two where it seems manageable, yeah. But then it's like there's always a breakdown yeah, I've, I've, I've, coached people and worked with people in that space, and I've just found that hard enough. What does not end with one there s an emotion? Yes, then, to deal with two. This is what we do. humans, which eventually interesting, is that we make everything extreme so with so scared of co dependency. So therefore we go to pollyanna Mary.

if we like, I don't want to be dependent on one person, so, instead of figuring out the trauma as to why I become co dependent and instead of purifying and figuring out what it is that makes me co dependent. I just believe that an external shell of being in a polyamorous relation ship will solve that? That's often the minds of people that are now saying that that's the only reason I'm saying please hey is in the comments in the trolls I think this is the only reason and as I'm just saying, that the people have spoken to they've said to me that they were scared of being codependent, so they believed. If they had more partners, then they wouldn't be codependent, yeah or they'd get the site meant that they were missing in their relations. They wanted the relationship that would give them support and peace and structure.

But if there are missing excitement. Ok, let me go find the excitement somewhere else and for me that made a lot of sense and my twenties thinking that way, because I just like, oh, I don't know if you can do this with one person longtime, doubtless by one of my biggest fears that I would be in love with someone or love someone cautiously, but that sexual desire that exciting feeling that happens the first, whatever three to six nine months I wouldn't have with the person once I was married with them when I'd feel trapped yeah. I had a really heal a lot of things from childhood that built that script or narrative too, to realise that its possible with conscious effort to create connection chemistry desire, we

one person if they're the right person in alignment also doing the cautious work, and that's where I said like I need to start therapy. So we have agreements, so I can feel peaceful to be myself, my full expression and dive into the relationship with curiosity and fond and excitement and desire in the relationship here and so far, it's been extraordinary in the process of therapy four problems here. Absolutely I want you to something you guys did or did something like that. We had cautious conversations about kid, what happens with money and all these different things before marriage was, and I don't think they will stop the dares important ones, tat, the full and and before I get there. One thing about the darwin admission: upon the memories. It's it's not the basic, either no external shell. That's going to solve your internal tumor in pain, so

you're with one person or whether you're with three or two or four people. Neither of those are the cure, but you can't say to someone like. Being with one person to be married to them? Is the cure for your pain and drama, or that, if you have to people, then you won't be codependent like that. Doesn't solving and you ve got to figure out? What did I say again that I really want, and so for me, and rather like I've? All I can ever do is be honest about where I met and what I want at that time in this moment in this moment, because that working agenda, what did you made a promise? Your wedding day about ten years- and that is why I don't think it's a promise. I think it's an ongoing conversation that is is changing and evolving? It's not a commitment or promise. It's not saying I am definitely up for this. It saying I am open to this. I'm considering this

I am close to this. This is not what I want to see. If someone knows they don't want to have children, but they never talk about that with someone who they know wants to have children, because you're scared of raising that that's unhealthy, because that he's gonna come up one day or if your desire long term is to live in another city or country, but you ve not made some unaware that that's what you're considering and so I don't think this is about. This is what I want, and this is my promise it's more just saying this is kind of how I imagine my life it's kind of how I think about it. Things change things, a ball of cleavable change and all these different things. I think Patrick bet David, said this. I can remember ways said this, but I believe he said like every year around new years or christmas. I think this was him or he says he and his wife get together and say: do we want to do this for one more year yeah and what work this year? work. How can we make a better and do we wanted this for one more year, as opposed to for the rest, of our lives like thinking all the wait. Fifty

the way yeah can seem kind of daunting yeah for some people. I think that's an extreme approach and I think it can be like you know every day. What are we grateful for? Was there something that was. today that we can address the upwork. Wants you to know that everything about business was made up by a bunch of guys, one hundred years ago, the nine to five workday commuting back and forth, and hiring only full timers go to upwork dot com. There. You will see the future and it looks like millions of talented professionals for projects of any size from simple deliverables to complex projects from short term help to full time. Hires. You can. Finally, let those old business titans and their tired ideas rest in peace. This is how, We work now visit up work, dot, com to get hiring music, the universal language, bringing people from all over the world together too bad a three part harmony can't get you to the bathroom in a foreign

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life apart from shower, Ambrosch t breathe, andrey like what is there that you could truly say your heart that you know you were, but a maintain. I don't think, there's anything so to create that promise. The starts, and- and I do something similar more regularly with rather where I was checking with radio be like. Is this the relationship you one is this going in the direction you wanted to go well she's going in the way I want, because if it is in all we willing to change and if we're not willing to change, then where is this and I think doing that regularly every couple of weeks, every month, every three months, every court turn it into a thoughtful process. To me, that's really healthy because it gives you the incremental intricate moments to say: ok, I don't like how this is going in. There were days in our relationships and years where I sit rather like I'm like this is not the relationship. I won really, and this is what I'm willing to do for it to change. Are you

to do so. Is that hard for her to hear that? I think this is after you were married. This is off to a marriage. I think that we establish those awkward conversations and uncomfortable conversations early and so its continued to be easy of them, but what I found is just the real needs of a human. Often her response will be well. I need to think about oh, no, I'm unaware, I'm not sure, and that requires paste, That requires waiting in so many other uncomfortable feelings, but you have. My point is: if you don't do that basically living alive for years and years and years, and I always find this fascinating- that when someone gets divorced when someone breaks up, everyone surprised upon from those two peoples are like us, have been two years and are making his. They know what's going on here and people may be shocked and they may not be happy with it, but really deep down. You Oh you, ve just been going along with the depot, and so I find that having that common,

more regularly allows you to pillar or for some people, hot just that I know you think, if you don't have that conversation, then the pivotal paw is less likely my therapist, but also more are doing individual and then together at surname, arms right, which has been extremely helpful to have separation as well, where I can just continue to heal my healing journey from my own stuff. She can do her own work and then we can do relationship worked together. It's really beautiful experiences were not there was a coach says. Is relationship should be about high engagement, low attachment, hi engagement and balance and she's. Like that's the hardest thing you do. That's like the ultimate challenges. High engage with no attachments, and a lot of times in my past. Speaking for myself, it was high engagement, high attachment, or low engagement, high attachment to the result to it. working out a kind of giving in an abandoned myself, just like try to make it work

and when I learned how to heal from a lot of different stuff from previous relationships and learn how to hear my own childhood wounds it was easier for me to make decisions and be less attached to the result, and just say this is my vision. This is the type of relationship, and so with Martha and me early on, I was like here's my vision here, my values, here's the lifestyle I want to have for at least the foreseeable next few years, and yet the next five to ten years. What I my intention is by coming from that as I was completely correct, clear and I was like there's a lot of things. You may not like what I'm about to say, but I'm going to tell you one hundred percent, the truth I'm not going to give in on my truth and I'm not going to sacrifice if you want me to change a bunch of things, because it doesn't make you happy, then we're just not an alignment. Yeah thanks. is she loved all the things about my values, vision and lifestyle move forward. Sauce

while revealing all the things I'm not proud of from the past. It's like this is how I was in this relationship and this relationship, and I had to learn a lot and and reveal that as well to not act like I'm. The one? It is allowed for more of a cautious foundation to be started, and are you know, year of experience where you ten years right ten years even again next year, will retain you, so I've had enough ten failed relationships among my lifetime, you ve had ten years of a beautiful relationship and you ve had different things that you said in the first few years, where you said this isn't the type of relationship where I wanted to be like in these two: that's not what I'm, was into and it's going to different direction than when I wanted. What would you say for me the biggest thing that I've learned was going into a new relationship,

healing the wounds of the past or being on the healing journey and having conscious conversations early and starting in therapy when there were no problems has been extremely helpful for me in one year. What would you say a ten year has been extremely helpful for you that you also wish you did in the first year made I did do it and you're still doing it yeah. I I think it's the continuation, it's like when you plant a seed, you water it and you make sure he has sunlight, and you make sure the soil is good. When it becomes a tree. You still do All of those things you don't stop watering, you don't just stop right leg, you don't stop like just caring for it. The care might evolve and change it. You don't need water a tree in the same way as its its roots there, but you can be completely negligent. I think the chair You have created in society. Is that we believe that a long relationship is a successful one.

and really my definition of a relationship is, are we growing together? Are we thriving together? and I'll be learning from each other. Yes, and if we, One more time will be growing together. Are we thrive together and I we learning from each other? If I'm not doing that with you any more than if we're not, and then the question is Are you willing to change something in order to do that and if you're not- and I think you have to be- I think the challenges and I've you talk was, I think, the challenges, no matter how long a relationship gets. You have to be open to the fact that,

you could get to a point with someone where there's no more growth, no more learning and no more thriving, and that's that low attachment. Yes, he's recognizing that just isn't a business relationship, you wouldn't stay in business with someone. If you weren't growing together, you aren't thriving together and you weren't learning together, and you want to keep your business open. If you were in the negative year after year, you weren't having fun, you didn't see, opportunities for growth you're, industry that was eliminating year after year, you're. Ok, maybe this had its season correct and it's time to find a new business. work around I'm just not saying you need to say: well, maybe this person's had it's season or this and this, but going back to the original conversation. Can you be with one person for the rest of your life? Can you love one person for the rest of your life and

It it'd be a healthy overall, healthy, enriching relationship and again, I think about a successful relationship where each individual is putting one hundred per cent into their own personal development and growth and mission, and a one hundred percent into making the relationship healthy, cautious, joyful, and that takes a lot of individual work. A hundred percent on each individual to want to grow envelop here and if not, then it's going to be there's going to be challenges. Yeah and I think, there's something Esther perel said probably on both of our shows, which is there's a love story and there's a life story and there's a lot of people. You can have a love story with right where you could fall in love with or date and have these romantic nights and these adventures,

but they may not be a part of your life story, so they may not have your values, your vision, the lifestyle you want to have in your life. If a lot of those things don't line up than maybe they're just as seasonal love story, not a longer season life story here, there's probably less or people that could be it. I story, yes, yeah and so I'll. I don't think that there's one person that you can be with for the rest of your life, because you know again something could happen in a partnership.

Where if someone leaves this world, then you just save the rest of my life, I'm not going to be in another relationship like theirs. There might be a situation or if the relationship is just had a season angry and the person's not willing to keep working and investing in it. It's like that's, tough and I just think that's, ok and you're in therapy and there's like no, I just don't care about the relationship anymore, so the other person's supposed to stay attached and give one hundred percent when the other person's giving zero percent for year in year in year. I don't think that's the type of life that we were designed to live. Yes, just to show up, because we made this a commitment to an attachment. I guess, but but that's controversial, to say, because when you make a commitment to marriage, we should try the intention to be to stay married. That should be the intention, but if one person is unwilling to and they keep breaking their commitments

and they're not willing to get back on track or they do things over and over that our hurtful and they don't apologize and take responsibility, not accountability. I don't think over a period of time, someone needs to abandon them cell, totally to be taken advantage of and abused and used and some are breaking their promise in their commitments. Of course, not an end. That's one of the biggest issues with setting a commitment. I didn't early stage in life when we're immature like eighteen, twenty one don't know yourself and you make these massive promises, and I just again I go back to that- or else in your life, do you make a decision for the rest of your life for fifty sixty seventy years, and so, if you do one that would someone make sure that you checking and regularly that you're renewing, like your reconnecting with each other regularly, because you don't get to have an amazing relationship with someone because of a promise or a commitment. You get to do it because you renew that promising commitment on a daily weekly monthly basis

not because you want to extend the years you ve been together, but because we want to extend the growth and so for me. I think I agree do that. No one should feel forced, and really what marriage is or what exclusivity is or what commitment is is we're going to try to grow together continue this and I would rather choose to grow with you, then, to grow in many differ. Well, it's a conscious choice and I think lytham. Neither of us have kids yet yeah, and so I can already see all the comments of people saying well, wait till you have kids and you don't know what it's like. When you have kids, you have to sacrifice and give up so much, and I and I think that's a great excuse for people and I think it's a validation, use, but I think it's an excuse that holds people back as well, and I know a lot of married people with kids who are thriving, who are having fought every day or consistently

who are a joiner lives who live independently in the marriage as well and have the wrong time and flexibility trust all those things and year after year they thrive with kids, So again, there are going to be more and more challenges and that's why it's important for each individual to do the work consistently independent of the relationship to just become better humans, more emotionally involved emotionally intelligent work on healing. Whatever is triggering you work on that healing journey, so that you're not as reactive with your partner or life yeah you're, not bringing baggage to the relationship you're more having a conscious conversation

in the relationship like you said when we make those decisions at twenty one or whenever or just earlier that you have even at forty like. I always tell Martha this. The other day I was like I don't know if I would have gotten married, there's no way I'd be in a relationship. If I got married at twenty five, twenty seven, twenty nine there's just no way cause. I had to go through so much inner challenges to overcome in the last decade. one that just now at thirty nine do. I feel, like I've finally figured out how to have peace inside yeah, consistently yeah. I would have messed up any relationship totally without knowing the tools turns it on on how to just navigate, and it doesn't mean I'm going to be perfect in this relationship for the rest of my life or whatever, but I'm probably going to make mistakes, but I feel, like I have a better awareness of there are twenty five twenty seven. Thirty is like that's hard to know how you did it ten years ago. Yeah I'm in

in ten years we was yeah, it was next year, it'll be ten years, but you have four years of my training. Where you are, I mean there's a bit of everything right, there's the there was some maturity, but now back I go I'll. There was also parts of it that were luck and when I say luck I mean universal divine intervention and like I was fortunate that it was ready. There are lots of parts of it where it was like. All I ask may I wasn't is mature as I thought, but it somehow in that we were compatible terrain visual was healthy in a certain way, is supported and that there is a lot of fortune in that to work. I don't think it's. It's not fair for me to say that it was all didactic and perfectly like masterminded, because I was so advanced. That's that's not true. I think there is some majority, but

was also a lot of immaturity, but that got balanced out by some of her gift and- and I think the point is that you just cant ever be scared to look in the mirror. You can't be scared to ask those questions. You can't ever stop doing that, because that's where it all goes wrong. I think that I have grown more significantly being committed to one woman then I would have if I wasn't so that's my view that the european single for the last ten years current and say single or having different service level relationships not being committed than one person for ten years. Where would you be in your life right now? If you could just hypos

yeah and I don't think it's an external success or metric of some sort of financial law. You no physical situation, its more that I believe that being in a committed relationship has taught me. Skills in quality is that I wouldn't have. If I wasn't saw given what are one of my favorite ones, is the ability to self validate the other person giving about validation. So I believe that if I was single for the past ten years, I would have used other people to validate myself because I would have been able to go to different people for different forms of validation, somewhat enemy, J. You there's your that, whatever it is, when you committed to one person chances, are they don't validate you sometime

well, at least in my case, and that trained me in the ability to go inward, invalidate myself for what I care about myself here. I'm assuming right is not, actually not valid eddie you but you're just in life in conversation, then you now you you wanted something, but maybe she wasn't being aware of it or whenever right. Yet the point is you don't get too, I solve it by going and finding it somewhere else, and so I think that's what I mean that a lot of the time when you don't get what you want from one person, you can just go, find a fix somewhere else, but that stops you from growing in doing it for years, so that's one of the big ones, another one that I'd say that I only got through being in a committed relationship was the recognition that effort and contribution to our relations

ship was not always visible. So what I mean by that is often in a relationship we think of the bread whenever the person who pays the bills as being the way someone contributes or of some cleans in cooks. That's If someone contributes when you get into a relationship for a long time, you start to realize there are emotional contributions to a relation a there are spiritual contributions to a relationship which you don't get to see when your relationship is purely physical. and so now, when I look at relationship them like wow leg, roddy is contributing to this relationship, of course financially in that, but also in this spiritual anymore. Norway sand in my limited danny vouchers. Moving around I no, if that was even possible. So I think I mean those are just a couple of days many, but I

leave that I have grown more and learned more about myself than I would have. If I wasn't, because I think I would have found a quick fix for most of my problems of everything and for various, like you know, if I was just jumping from relationship to relationship or just dating not actually being committed to anyone when there was a moment of anything getting hard. Just like I want to deal with this when to go to the next person and have fun and just make it light and make it interesting and go after the chase and get that that high again When I started the relationship with Martha made a conscious decision, realizing that I was the problem for every previous relationship that I was the common denominator for things now working out. I said: let me try something different. Let me dive into what I've always damages these sexual chemistry? First, because that call in my mind, from seeing the person fully or seeing more of the parson acids, and

at the decision to remove that for the first you know, months of us kind of seeing each other and get to know each other was so powerful for me cause I was like do I want to be. I remember asking some friends in the past ago: if you guys didn't have sex, would you still be together and a lot of them are like no, I'm, okay, so remove sex from the relationship or move sexual chemistry from the relationship. Would you want to spend quality time with this person consistently? Are you adding value to their life? Are they adding value to your life? Another person said you know: could you spend ten thousand meals with this person because that's what it's going to be like if you get a in here with them for a long time. Ten thousand meals is an interesting enough and when we jump into My personal experience when you jump into sexual chemistry. First, the foundation is usually little shakier and also of your doing that with other people. It's hard to build a strong foundation with one and you're. Never getting that peace is cut

it's always something shaky yeah. You know. Well I mean that's. I mean the studies show that to that new engage in a physical relationship, but someone the chemist is that of released after sags, make you feel closer to them when you're not actually close. It hundred percent? So you haven't really done the work for deep value based intimacy, but you're feeling the high you're politically, and you could feel that with people again and again and again and that's why we get more attached to people that we have sex with in that way, and so for me. Obviously, through the monk training like that was a big part of it. I mean celibacy was a huge part among training and it was all for men, clarity, so you can make better decisions right. It's not about saying that you never having sex. It's about the idea that can I make better decisions without being I did for me now, starting by a chemical release that is making me believe, something I think that's what people don't that's what we will under arrest is that do you want to make it?

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Jim, where we had a terrible relationship with the sex was gray. I think everyone would agree that have been in a relation whenever there was an argument we leaned on so as not to have found their right yeah exactly and and they know that that was toxic and unhealthy because they dealt with pain. They dealt with abuse, they dealt with manipulation. They dealt with trauma because this section good night and that's why I think of you eliminate that the reasonably they were new relationship to learn to live the year to learn to make better decisions. Mental clarity, like you said, is as persons behaviour matching their words do they have the same values that I have outlined why men and a lot of these things that we want or today do certain things that I'll just never want to be around career for me, whose very import like an urban drops on my life? It's not something! I you, but I can be around it. It just like. We arrived at all times yet remain like you. when I have wine once a month like I'm cool,

a drink and every night, three glass, the why it's just a deal, but it is not for me and there might be something that you now in the past of our. If a person wanted to be with me, but I was like, while I shudder old, the debate over their monopoly or whatever it is, it's figuring out like what things in alignment that you both want to see if you can be integrated? ship to the idea of it can be in a thriving relationship because human beings are just missed, there were kind if you're trying to bit like obviously villages summers like I just want to sleep around, yeah. You know, mess around have fun I'm sure that's fine, but if you're in the position in your life right now we're you're like I want to be in a long term relationship, then it's a healthy eating Consider is because you want to have your best decision making capability, and I also think a lot of people are getting into relationships when they feel lonely. Yeah. That is a scary thing to do,

seeking out a relationship because you feel alone, one of the greatest gifts I gave myself was learning how to go. Take myself out on a date go to dinner, go to lunch good or movie alone and learn to enjoy. My own company was so hard to do because I didn't enjoy my company for so long I have too many negative conversations with myself and I had to learn how to love myself and a cautious way and a healthy way so that I could be happy alone. First, yes, and then not abandon myself in relationship It's like when the point when I like that I don't want to be in a relationship. Does one market, I was like know, I'm good, I'm like so happy alone. I love my life. Have gotten my business. I got my friends, I'm good, that's what you came in. I was like damn it. I don't want to be around you right now, but it's I can do it because I can have low attachment there from beginning, and I don't need this to make me happy. Yes,

a lot of give going to relationships because they need that to make them feel complete, happy and I think, that's also a foundation of struggle when we come from that space yeah. The reason why what you said is so import and is that that doesn't stop when you move in with someone? Aha, so I think we feel that, and I think this is a pressure that is created in relationships, especially in the early days where people expect to spend all their time together and if you're spending all your time together. Then, where is the time to ro independently, so that you can improve each other's lives answer if every night you go home and you put a show one together and you watch it and that's your way of spending time together not investing in a growing the relationship and then months down the line, you're wondering why don't we feel any chemistry, ernie spark or any compatibility, because you both having grown independently? so you haven't been able to grow together, and so that's not something that stops,

that's going on a day on euro nor reading use of that never stops and he shouldn't stop, and I think one of the biggest challenges is that people say what have you to want to spend time with me if we're together, then that means there's something wrong, and so there's this insecurity that, if you don't want to spend every moment with me, then you don't think I'm good enough anymore. If you don't text me every single moment when we're not a pot when they're all that means that you don't love me, remember, flashlight, now. I want you living there. It's ok,

wait a minute. You've missed the point that, if they're always with you, then they can't bring anything to you. I've heard a couple of different people talk about this concept. I think esther perel was one of them and then rob bell. Talks about the space in between the time you together is where you the love deepens. It's like you can deepen it when you have space apart from each other and you can miss each other. You can think about the conversation. Your advocate think about the activities the games you're playing the intimacy, those conversations as moments. It's the space in between that creates more harmony. I think yo yo ma talks about, like harmony, is in between the notes right, it's like eaters. It's the same thing with connection and love you now have. I spent every moment with you are maybe like. I need some more time apart, but it's because I only see you once every couple of weeks or once a month. I get so excited about that time. Together. Writing

but I also want to see you every day known and I mean it's. I haven't too to be an independent human being doing your activities during the things you love. Will I support you and stay together longer yeah. And couples that you know that I now that I've been together for twenty thirty forty years it's a lot of them. I feel like have that one day a week were there with their friends, have that time where they go on a trip alone or with other other, when their life. They learn other activities, they gonna workshops together, but also alone on things that they can add value to the relationship and to themselves feel independent, but also be committed, and I think that is a huge thing to set yourself up to be a healthy, conscious, thriving relationship, long term yeah. If you choose to be with one person, if you choose to be long price in there's a couple of things you have to think about. The first is: what do you actually enjoy to do together

so ready, and I discovered that going out to dinner was ok. What's your movie, theater was okay, but will we really loved was experiences where we really loved was doing active piece together what we really loved was going to workshops together, whether it was class weather is pottery or whether it was true with girl is that we just did right now or whether it was going on a hike together. He was doing something active together and you even in our relationship is as friends that we will talk about this like when we the value of these undesirable unfitness in french year. We decided that we want to make sure that we are going over dinner, but we also took place in sports women political body at all version, unthinkable that eventually we don't I'm hikes where do indifferent things activities like that's what we realized we like to do, and I think that's a really important thing that if you want to be with someone long term, you have to figure out what you want to do together and then

even a step further, if you really going to be with someone long term, your relationship has to have a purpose beyond each other. The goal of your relationship can't be: how do we stay together? goal of the relationship is how do we serve together? Give together? How do we help our community together? Like couples? You have that ability, expand their radius of care and compassion. That's what ultimately goes to that started. Couples are savings are served together. Yeah, I think that's a great thing. You know I think, in the fitness community they're like families that work out together together today, but I think couples that stay together are the ones that are serving together, and I know your talk about this, and I know this is gonna, be in your next book as well. This kind of concept of the different levels of relationship

of ok you're in the the getting to know dating stage then you're in the commitments staves than your and married stage, and then it's like what are the next stage, its being in service, is figuring out ways to serve family. Your friends, your community, in the ways that makes sense for you, that's what gotta keep people together long term and I think when we stop serving the relationship and we stop serving others around. The relationship is probably I have more challenges: yeah yeah. Maybe you can make it last, and maybe you have some good times, but I feel like you're, going to have more challenges to overcome, which is going to make you say one person's. Not for me like this, this relation is not working. I need a different relationship and maybe that's true- maybe that relationship wasn't supposed to last, but I think it's and I am so excited for your next book, because I've been getting the behind the scenes from you on it, but I feel like you're, going to give people this foundation of how

to set yourself up at the different stages of a committee relationship and- and I don't think, there's any wrong with they sing on data daylight lots of people. I know a guy right now. He's single he's gone on dates every week with different people taking people at the dinner and having been interesting conversations and women your house. He says our friend is kind like eliminating people that aren't the one for them right now, like I gotta go meet a bunch of people have experiences to see who I you know. I don't want to be with as well and I think there's a season for that and I think when we get into we ship we just need to be conscious of. Why am I getting this where they ship you now? Am I dependent on this to make me happy have so I just think that's going to be a recipe for failure, but being conscious about entering a relationship and cautious about growing over the airship, there's so much you learn when you're single and there's so much. You love when you're in a relationship and that's actually the question: do I want? How do I want to learn right now

like how do I want alone right? I do want to learn by meeting lots of people in learning in that way and dealing with what comes that would want to learn in this way, and I think everything in life is simply a learning experience their decision on my life now that one of the biggest values for me as peace, centerpiece right and uganda,

the view, and I for years I would interview on camera off camera. Older men who were successful in business or in their careers are heard kind of reached the top of their their industry, and I would ask them questions like about being single about having you now being married about being with one percent, or do they have open relationships just curious, and there was not one man who was like fifty sixty seven years old, who was peaceful and fulfilled with multiple women at the same time or kind of trying to manage that. You know that energy, the ones that have peace, which again is a value of mine, is having peace. I feel like peace, helps us create mental clarity, which I think is a porn for you as well, which helps us have more energy.

Towards our mission and I haven't met one sixty seven year old man who was like, I had five girlfriends, the the whole time and I was peaceful and so just just get what's your value? What do you want if you want adventure and fond, and you can't All that and pieces. there's gotta be some letting Gaza I really like- and this has been my biggest take away from Today'S- that you brought it back to values if you're value is experimentation and free media freedom mechanism. Then that's a beautiful life and I'm not an again. I'm not saying you do either or do I you know it's it's all based on your values. Absolutely, and you just said your values ps. My my value is purpose. I want to be committed to my purpose and I had a really open and honest conversation with a friend recently. He asked me a question he said jane. You know how do you deal with a temptation? and desire, you know everything else and we had a real honest

noble conversation man to man, and I said to him that, for me, one of my biggest values in life is history and loyalty. I like long term friendships, because then you can look back alive. How far you ve cars call, and I do that from short term desire. I, like loyalty. I love the idea of like you, ve, been loyal to a friend a person, a partner, and you can look back at what you ve been to school, and so when I look in my life I loved that mean you have memories from being in new york, together being in l, a together doing a project together and in my romantic relationship. It's the same thing. It's like I've been with this woman when I had thing when I was broke breaker, whereas it like an hour. I value that right and someone may say J that still soft, like I don't valued at all and that's cool, like I respect that you may see the value

three? You value are one night stand and that's great, like there's nothing wrong with that, but I think you no, what you value and alarmed that you value peace, and I love the. U equate a committed relationship to pee and so now gear and some people might say, wall ever relation barbarian, stressful, swallowed, a value being single and having surfers conversations are surface interactions of intimacy that I scary to go deeper ryan, where there could be heartbreak or pain or frustration or whatever it is, and that's your sees them. You know, that's you where you value, but I do. I definitely value intimacy connection, there's nothing worse than accomplishing by your greatest goal

and then being in a hotel room by yourself and be like yeah. You know whom I call to celebrate this with no one to like with you in the journey and you with them exactly it's really cool to be there for each other and something I value with. You know Martha being inspired by what she's, creating and she's inspired what I'm creating the mutual respect and inspiration today the same way so powerful conversation is high on their report. To did you guys enjoyed this Leave a yes and the commerce below may she's, subscribe to chase studies, pike ass, an apple spotify on youtube, subscribe on youtube, oliver social media. And let us know which part of this new enjoy the most and leave a comment of what you like us to talk about on the next episode of this awkward. Their peak hours station also the call to action,

is to find someone to have the same conversation with asked them. This question: can you be with one person for the rest of your life? send them this audio or this video and have them watch or listen to this and then have the discussion with them shortly after and let us make our thoughts, we'd love to hear it. on this day watching everyone. I want to make sure that you think about what is your value right now in relationships. I think whether you single, whether you are in a relationship where they ve been married with each is broken up, what is the current Are you in your life that you're looking for and what does that require? Does that require you to be singled is required to be in relationship and one type of relationship leave your value in the commons below. Let us know what your values are. Let us know topics that you wanted to dive into deeper. Maybe there was something that we didn't quite get into a new like. Please, please, please talk More about that, we will do that. I want to make sure that you follow the school,

greatness and louis how's across social media youtube apple, podcast spot? If ipod costs make sure you subscribe, to know that you don't miss out on one of these episodes that we're doing together our so grateful to have you make sure that you go and find someone to share this conversation with and have, oh good conversation of europe. We want you to get all grades us. Thank you for listening awaiting us today and we'll see on the next one Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoy today's episode and inspired you're on your journey towards greatness, make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full run down of today's show, with all the important links and also make sure to share this with a friend in subscribe, oberon apple pie task as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys who share a review of one apple, and let me know what part of this episode resonate with you the most. If no one's told you lately. I want to remind you that you are loved. You are worthy, and you matter and now it's time to go out there and do something great

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