Hello, friends and welcome to episode number two hundred and eighty eight of the way I heard it otherwise known as the end of a grand experiment, in this episode, you'll hear the last two and, in my opinion, the best two chapters of my moms a selling book vacuuming in the nude and other ways to get attention if your new to this little experiment, I've been posting my mom's book on this platform for free two chapters. At a time because I want everybody to read or hear this very well. warm and very funny offering from america's grandma while the initial numbers of this little experiment have been very encouraging. The sponsors her happy, my mother is happy. Chuck is happy, or at least as happy as chuck

that's an mom, and I are both delighted by and grateful for, your enthusiastic response. If your stumbling across this for the first time do yourself a favor and go back and start with chapters one and two that would be episode number two. Seventy three, the book episodes will live on this platform indefinitely, so you can listen at your leisure and for that reason you really should embrace the intended. Chronology of the author start at the beginning and take your time. Having said that, if you love the audio version, you might also consider the actual book for all of your reading friends who are expecting a christmas present from you here. then, with only a little more to do. Are the two last chapters of vacuuming in the nude

right after this doo doo doo doo doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, dumb ain't, you run a business that employs two or more people at you stayed open during cove it. You should know about a government program that my qualify you to receive up to twenty six thousand dollars per employee This is not alone and is for real, it's more like a reward, and you don't have to pay it back on the downside. The programme is very

complicated, and if you want the money, you're gonna need to jump through some hopes to get it happily, the cps and tax experts at covert tax relief, dot org or on the case to be as clear as possible. You pay nothing up front zero, they do all the work and then, if your company qualifies, they keep a percentage of the cash they recover. Businesses of all types, including non profits and churches, can qualify. Let covert tax relief, dot org help you get up to twenty six thousand dollars per employee, the monies there, and if you did the hard thing during the lock down, you are legally entitled to your share, visit, covert tax relief, dot, org, that's cove! It tax relief, dot org.

chapter fifteen you ve got to be kidding in the words of my veteran publisher, a social media presence is an absolute must for an author in this day and age that is you expect to sell books, and we do. Oh no way am I getting on facebook, I told my husband is a colossal waste of time I heard it said many times, especially by people of my generation. I knew that jonathan was right, of course, reader to get a sense of style and voice from my facebook posts and want to read more. Hopefully, that said, learning to navigate facebook for this techno challenged. Eighty year old was asked, blockaded is writing a book.

How embarrassing that millions of people use facebook every day with ease, and I hadn't a clue how to begin fortunate a more w had the perfect solution, people one My people is a woman named sherry who is not only savvy about social media, but has the patience of a geriatrics social worker really new that counselling, the elderly was in her job description council. She did to say that I hated the process is enough. Statement post two hundred words a couple of times a week on facebook felt like feeding the beast, my pay, He had an insatiable appetite not only for words but for actual trysting entertaining content for the couple of hundred people who initially followed me, then there the comments, many of which I responded to

stood valuable time away from writing. My second book, the time about my mother was launched. I had come a slightly more confident, blogger and It turned out my books my facebook page would the symbiotic relationship, out my mother, made for convenient material for discussion on my blog and some of my facebook posts and comments made for interesting content. In my second book about your father, sherry continues to be a valuable resource when things fall apart. If I should, click on post and nothing happens, or my pictures up upside down and the rotate option isn't functioning sherry to the rescue on one education, the pictures were posted sideways for a half hour or so well, I tried to figure it out.

by the time I sent up and so as to Sherry raiders, were commenting that their necks were getting stiff. When writing the letter to MIKE about losing my blue percy year earlier. I had jokingly referred to his facebook followers, as your little face, but friends, they most of them loved it, and I'm stuck my followers are also affectionately, known as my l, l, b, f. It was obvious, even before my book launch, that I had made the right choice and jonathan mark I knew it the day he called me. While I was playing my young with some church friends, I jonathan said. I'm sorry, but I can't talk to you right now, I'm in the middle of a game of my young I'll, call you back in an hour, and he laughed My publisher simply laughed ok, said I'll. Wait. Your car

I no sooner said goodbye when it hit me consider in all those years. I had pursued publishers. If some it told me a year ago that I would blow off my publisher for a game of machine. I'd have said They were crazy and who'd have then a publisher personally accompany and author on her book tour but that is exactly what he did. Perhaps as it was my first or maybe because of my age. Whatever he was perfect guide in new york city, leaning my entourage safely from our hotel to television and radio studios and personal appearances as dictate. By tradition, my was launched on a tuesday For two full days, my guardian angels- and I rode from interview to interview in a big black car Jonathan MIKE

me and my john were beside me every step of the way there were long, I've and tape, television interviews and radio and podcast interviews one after the other we met celebrity. and I learned first hand. The value of make up. Artists magicians, who made Is eighty year old woman looked almost decent for the camera on the sector afternoon, as we were, leaving a book signing at the tenth avenue flagship, barnes and noble then asked forward you think of your first book tour like cinderella at the boy told him and the best, yet to come. He said with a name Mystery we climb back into our car for a short ride to the simon in Schuster headquarters in rockefeller centre when I saw the street sign the new of the americas. I felt a twinge, but kept it to myself,

How many times have I written address on my manuscripts submissions and seen the same return address on the rejection letters from various big publishing houses a lifetime ago we stepped from the key r and follow jonathan along the prestigious entrance corridor to the Simon and schuster complex having midway in a large brightly lit showcase display their eye. Dozens of copies of one book. Only about my mother, True stories of a horse, crazy daughter and her small obsessed mother by now other than peggy row I wondered what other books had rested on those same shelves over the years. A humbling, thought for sure jack took my hand as he had the day. We stood in all the rim of the grand canyon, put his arm around my shoulder and my public you're smiled proudly. As apparent might

king. His child survey santa's gifts on christmas morning they were photos, of course. the rest of the afternoon is somewhat of a blur. The and pain reception at simon and Schuster, with staff, editors and executives. it speeches congratulating Jonathan on his quick turn around of a book. He had received a mere three months earlier and me for producing such a good red. I pay liked. When I realized I was expected to make a short impromptu speech, I need and have worried still remember. My first two sentences his brass and smiling. I said. thank you so much for all of this and just so you know, I've decided forgive each and every one of you for all those rejection notices you sent me through the years there was Good natured laughter and I fell pretty silly. Looking out at those fresh faces

probably in elementary school. When I had submitted my book manuscripts decades earlier, there was festive dinner at the hotel that evening with MIKE Jonathan me, ray and me John. was tired and decided to heat up his left overs from lunch in the microwave in our room, as most of us for a perusing, the dinner menu john appeared at the table and provided the evenings entertainment I've decided to join you. He said the microwave in our room is broken the door won't stay shut. It flies open every time I said the timer, where is it this microwave my guest, because my room doesn't have one needs his mind said Mary or that another weird thing: it's inside The closet John said the baffled? Look, that's it. the place for a microwave? That's me, it's not a microwave dad said laughing you ve been tried,

the heat up, a sandwich in your safe nobody laughed harder than John after dinner, posted a blog to my lf bf from my new york city, hotel room setting new york city, barnes and noble flagship store on fifth avenue for many years. Their largest store time. Four p m Tuesday november thirteen, two thousand eight eighteen, the day of my book, launch character, john row and his other wife, peggy row, a strange. Your name leslie plot. my entourage casually approaches the table at the front of the store, the one its below the bold sign. Proclaiming new release is there. We go some pictures of my books on display, while try to appear cool.

Then we meandered to the biography section. Four more photos Manager Caesar's and brings a stack of books for me to sign thank you for doing this. He says applies figures to the front covers that say: autographed at this point John steps away with one of my books and approaches and innocent sharper and a nearby table looks as though he's about to do a man on the street interview Oh no, I think, because, with my has been one, never knows Suddenly he opens the book. begins. Reading aloud to this innocent sharper. This person, stranger, I my eyes, because there when I do in these situations. can you signing the stack of books. When I finish and look up again, I'm faced Faced with the woman and wondering if I should apologise, this is leslie John says leslie

since my wife peggy road, the author of this book. Well now I have to buy at the woman says, taking the book from John I, to read the rest of that story started, would you say in it for me, mrs role, and that how John so my first book, possibly in barnes and noble very day. It came out. Thursday evening after arriving home, I wrote another short post. cinderella has returned from her magical whirlwind new york city book tour, I'm used to say that not only does she have both of her slippers, she brought and charming home with her son that day job has been known to my left. Bf as prince, charming or pc he's not crazy about the nickname. It's a lot to live two. He says So far, no problem that weaken I did my first ever bulky bent it was.

At my local library and the night before I dreamed that I walked into a completely empty room. When I saw the pact on a torreon. I might have tyranny, just a little. It turned out hardly nervous at all. you know who was on the front row video in the action really. Sometimes it takes my breath away my friend and editor Michel was on the way grow, making notes for me old friends and neighbors, and an entire row of church friends, including my minister, were hearing me on. How could I have but succeed, and I went to bed, for a week In the end, this eighty year, old woman who had never paid a bill balance to check book were made. Financial decisions happen, He turned over the business side of my late in life career to my son. m are w. There I've been no regrets short.

after my book hit the shelves, another miracle occurred, It was a saturday morning about ten o clock. When the phone rang John answer did at the kitchen table on speaker. It was son MIKE dad what are you doing right now. But your mother and I are having breakfast I caught the perfect omelette with Hamon dead. I want to look at your wife. Are you looking at her. as my she's right here beside me. What's this all about dan You are looking at a new york times best selling author. get out of here again might have cleared up people. Do that a lot and I might screamed for joy, just a little quite a miserable cold. Surely I was dreaming the following morning with my illness, keeping me home from church. I had of that her mind,

store neighbour, Jim carrying copies of the new york times. The wall street journal and the baltimore sun and appear every bit as excited his eye and for The full extent of my news, naturally after calling family. I said it my computer and shared the good news with my ellen bf, gruesome, creative verse, the kind that rhymes both my neighbour upon a sunday dreary, as I languished weak and weary at in window of our condo second floor sipping, tea and munching toast watching him, whom I love most step into. A car and shut the door, often urgent, mickey D's, whilst he's, a mighty sneeze bond, in my robe of grave a more pondering life and lightly napping. Suddenly I hear a tapping someone gently wrapping wrapping at me

condo door. Here's my neighbour with some news today the way my morning blues and fill my soul with happiness. Galore. Seems my humble little town has found it temporary home on the new year, times best seller list. What's more There's? U s news and world report don't sell the wall street journal short therein. Agreement that's great news for sure And then my neighbour said to me with a hint of merriment and glee he turned and headed for my chamber door. So when can we expect to see the next great masterpiece from the it's been a month, What art thou waiting for? Thus quoth neighbor evermore. peggy row, two thousand eighteen with especial wash out two fellow baltimore ian edgar, Allan POE. my dear neighbour, Jim darken, Next phone call was from mike telling me that my little book a story

that was filled with hope, was now number one at barnes and noble Over bob woodward's make a book, fear yep MIKE said hope, trumps feed Before long, I settled into a comfortable social media routine, and cover than almost anything can be material. If, in about in an interesting way from the peace to after church gatherings it mcdonald's to the end answers of rubber darkies around the neighbourhood reader, These relate to and embrace our mundane lives. When my husband had heard his surgery and we keep track of his nighttime trips to the toilet by drop. Pencils in the bathroom sink reader? followed with interest. His nightly pencil count when my soft boiled egg exploded in the microwave thousands of People share their own exploding. Eying stories who knew and when John made me a coffee table at the wood shop. My purse,

went viral, The writer in me pays attention to everyone. something I've learned from the experts over the years. I written about our friends, neighbours and family, as well as our minister grocer hairdresser. Jpg, why an dentist dermatitis just urologist cardiologist ill, tradition and plumber, all with humor without exception. They been willing subjects, husband worries that people are going to see me approaching and clam up John you turn every conversation into an interview, people too to you and you turn around and write about them me, but change, their names them anonymity, John hun. You include their pictures me but only with their permission, and I always ask them first, if their wanted by the law

fear in the witness protection programme. What john says is true and Have made an important discovery about my readers: they love it when I'm a tad naughty Without actually stepping over that line of decency, I recently included this passage in a blog is from an essay in my second book about your father and it's called old gray pair for my facebook blog, I called the excerpt geriatric erotica. one evening after dinner, my been, and I were hugging in the kitchen when our visiting son rat his arms around us and lifted us off the floor. Saying You guys are adorable. I wonder What he just said, if he had seen us at bedtime, do you have the stuff? john asked me: I got into bed of course, I said here you do me First of all, you know how you are you got all steamy. You do me first off

but new, better hadn't fall asleep. I warned him I love to hear his groans of ecstasies. I do my thing Nothing relieves my husband's itchy back, like cortisone cream, and what he said about me is true. Ben gay on my shoulders and neck can produce too much heat. If he's not careful, John, what I like life, here. The home has provided a wealth of material, an audience. Favorite was my post about the elderly woman in the locker room. She from the shower and passed in front of me on the way to her locker her from Was covered with a towel and I wish to see a slightly faded and sagging tat too on her bottom. Red, white and blue with some writing. Naturally, the inquisitive writer within me pointed to her bottom and asked tell me about The tattoo sheila confused backed up to them, and laughed I.

winter and read aloud wise markets, gas rewards when we'd, finnish laughing, she explained After my shower, I spread a place. A grocery bang on the bench and sat down to dry my legs and feet. As I said, material everywhere. Learned more about human nature in the past four years from my social media readers than in the past. eighty four years of life. People are hungry for something positive and uplifting something They can relate to something that makes them laugh. In a time of turmoil and illness was quarantine and life. Changing uncertainty and nonstop news cycles I have avoided controversial topics and content you to do so. Even now, writing a book solitary pursued with ours. Spent alone and a computer with little or no feedback. The common

written by my social media followers, whether they fer to occur in short posed or a store from one of my books provide a wide range of views and even immediate gratification connected with my readers, reminds me who my audience is which is an enormous advantage to any writer I thought I would ever have a fan club headed. I've been for my life be of their acceptance. Their enthusiasm for the graphic nitty gritty of everyday humor around us. I doubt I'd have had the courage to write and share the following us, True stories made in its one. Oh won the battle, the bombs a fan once asked missis Can you describe old age? In three words, That's easy! I said patch patch patch and it's true Our bodies are like old cars it all.

Out maintenance. your engine light comes on and you hi tell it to a garage repairs are easy in and out in a day, others more time consuming and expensive document and painful. To put it briefly parts have a shelf life. which varies from person to person, two thousand nineteen, my been head what the doctor called a little procedure. his end, gonna hernia, had been popping out an inconvenient times for passed several years like a nosey neighbor who sticks her head through the door, uninvited, never knew when it might make an appearance I could be in full stride in mid sentence. When suddenly, the hernia would emerge through his abdominal wall, prompting. To reach down with both hands- and The nosey neighbour back through the door He was like a walking wakeham all game, beating him

hernia into submission when I made comments such as one of the these days, you won't be able to shove that thing back in, he would say, give it a rest peg you worry too much and then one day my prediction came true in my house: and bombed had to be dealt with by a surgeon along. The repair of the hernia johns long time. Hydro seal was corrected. As you may know, the hydra seal was a small sack of fluid and scrotum. This way, had been hanging around four way too long. The surgery and patient procedure was not outside of tax or more eggs, currently frontal effects I feel that I should post a message here, like those disclaimers on pbs warning the explicit content that may not be appropriate for all viewing audiences issues they followed by a show that has language or sex or violence.

consider yourself for mourned late at night following the surgery, my husband and I were at home as the anesthesia was wearing off after the sheet, stare wide eyed for a second then creamed like a man engulfed in flames peg come here, quick, I put the way the sheen and thought my lord. What's in it plant doing down there on his private parts. I knew for us that it was my husband, screwed em, but only because of the position and occupied between his legs. Now, John needed a calming influence, I did not gas, but instead Said and soothing voice well honey, doktor. Steel did say that you could expect some swelling in bruising. Remember, sir, swelling some bruising this making a plant between my legs. He was right, complete with a plump stand

I'm calling nine one one I said is my husband wobbled toward the bathroom looking the character from march of the penguins. Nowhere He yelled, do you really want an ambulance screeching and here it to em. There are few secrets in a condominium community, especially when it comes to vehicles with flashing lights and screaming sirens many. the time we stood in our kitchen window, waiting to see who's being hauled through their front door like a piece of skirted furniture on dumpster day. It looks like that. Tal, gentlemen, with a mustache John might say, or They get somebody heavy with white hair. All speculate so I did what I always do when we have a medical crisis, I ran down to the first floor, during our neighbours door, Debbie retired nurse was calm, professional demeanour

these debbie who helped the m t crew maneuver my ninety year old mother onto a stretcher, the night she fell in broker hip Debbie, who lowness of blood pressure kid. When we had the flu and in ankle rap. When our sun sprained is foot, it was debbie, who made us a casserole? When I broke my fifth metatarsal and you get the picture, so naturally it was Debbie who came to our rescue in the middle of that fateful night. now wait a minute you're, probably think Do you mean to say that John actually shared his so little problem with a neighbour. Female neighbour. I should probably mention here that John his head bouts of recurring bladder cancer over the past fifteen years or so so. Is no stranger to displaying his intimate body parts therein. In countless sisters, copies were his doctor and assistant introduced

tools into the bladder to have a look around through the obvious and only accessible rude after them. First procedure, my husband came home shaking his head and laughing you'll, never guess he's pretty young assistance said when they vanished then my pleasure, MR row. I said She said, and now I'll give you some privacy. Why you get dressed MR row? Can you believe that So, yes, my husband has become somewhat desensitized over the years. Well, god bless Debbie, she didn't, run screaming or pass out. Or even gasp when John lowered the sheet to reveal the vegetable the day with stem in dead. She beheld the monstrosity between his legs and pronounce, calmly, but with authority you're, a surgeon needs to take a look at this right. it now. Doctors

I was delighted to get our call to fifteen a m missis, oh, as you might remember, I offered to see her husband when we spoke this afternoon. And again earlier this evening declined both times, I know- and I'm sorry doctor, but my neighbour says it doesn't look normal. Your neighbour So your neighbors on a case, That's when Debbie said, ask We can send him a picture short doktor, said stifling again by all means. Send me a picture of your husband's scrotum. took two photos, one from the top. and one from underneath, while job elevated? The subject get couldn't close on, make sure and focus we want to come The pop and do not get my face in it. I brief He pictured the image on a social media page was a captain can you identify this.

Hold on a minute. Debbie said before you hit sand, make sure you have. The right number I shuddered at the thought imagining a scenario where an elderly insomniac is in bad watching a hallmark movie. She gets a text. Could it be at this late hour? There must be some kind of emergency. She pauses. smith wishes in mistletoe kisses. glances at her phone now bursting with geriatric pornography. Poor dear, would probably never close your eyes again. Well in pretty the doktor said, but I don't think it's gangrenous. If you want to be sure, though you can go to the e r, what did you neighbor think I nor the sarcasm thanked him and prepared for drive to the hospital My husband's eyes for wide as his hands clenched the arm rest in dashboard and the we hours of the morning I couldn't be.

Sure if it was pain or fright cattle acts and glaucoma make nighttime driving a challenge for me, but, like it John important or those white lines. When there is so little traffic, We still see the road sort of hours later after multiple tests and stands in the e r doc the steel made an appearance with a group of interns on morning rounds he had his smart phone out and I was pretty sure he and the interns weren't talking at the weather, app say huddled around the foot of my husband's bad? Our dog was probably thinking some people get pictures of grandkids on their phones in the great unveiling doctor steel send tee in turns so you guys ever seen dirty jobs with micro. Well, guess what is his parents he always introduced, says that way. don't get me wrong. We're pretty, of our son but the door

The jobs humor loses its punch when you're here spend scrotum is on full display or say ring of coal and ask me it's a bit too on the nose as it were way. The test results for good. So after a thorough examination. We returned home midmorning where demi waiting with flexible iced rap ideal for the task in hand as the doktor predicted the swelling in bruising, gradually disappeared and after weeks of stores, oftener and mere relax. I'm really to say that the honor welcome, eggplant, gradually withered away in my house. Since body parts return to normal mid to having selfish feelings about the repair of johns hernia. To be honest, I kind of miss it like to go. For in caddy shack That bulge had become a recurring character in my stories and social media posts? Always for a laugh

More than once, when we were out walking, I would turn to John and ask What did you say how to achieve it? respond, I didn't say anything? It was his talking, of course, the lee an instrument in the one man band, my husband come with a groaning bombed, backed up by, whistling hearing aids a creaking foot brace. And the occasional fanfare from the brass section, always there to keep the tempo pappy Enough said about that,. Of course, I'm relieved that John had the little procedure and is back to good hell. That said, We're still not eating a planned and I'm notice, john continues to have trouble looking our neighbour debbie in the eye, As for her ice rob, I wash it thoroughly and returned it But what are the odds shall ever use it again?. bulges in the elderly are as common as forgetfulness and mobility. Issues

was doing assigning in a book store when a jolly middle aged woman approached and handed me a copy of my book, saying oh Israel you make, age seem like such fun. I'm actual looking forward to it. I wanted to say to her seriously but share honey. I have a little story for you. I could this story. material girls, particular bulge was his personal as my husband's simply put em spending eighty two years and a sheltered confined environment. My bladder b, came curious about the outside world, so anxious for a glimpse of the good life. She headed south as the expression goes after seeing gay perry, it was impossible to keep her down on the farm, or, should I say up in the north pasture, My g Y n assured me that prolapse is common. Fifty

and of women over the age of fifty experience. It she told me this is. I was on the table with my feet in the air, a captive and so to speak, it usually the result of gravity and childbirth look at it this way. She said one more reason to make your children feel guilty. I made a meant note to remember that one come in handy some time, not that I would try of using it was this point in our relationship that the middle east the doctor and I began channing personally, when I told her that I was a writer of mostly humor share with me that she moonlights as a stand up, comic, Really, I said I would never have guessed she locally, served and kind of serene, not trade it's one normally associates withstand up comics, plus the fact this had not once used profanity You certainly have some create materialise, said imagining

her typical day. Looking at women's bottoms, there is twinkle in her eye when she said you could be. This data, my next routine, which have come said already occurred to me. She quickly added Naturally, I dont use names or pictures and laughed. that's very reassuring. I said and reminded her of a recent news story about a doctor who had immigrant patients without their knowledge. no cameras. She said looking around the room and laughing, not even in the ceiling. She finished Tear examination and explain that I had three options I could live with the pro lapse. I could schedule surgery which she described in detail or I could try. A ps3. apparently many women have success with the plastic ring like device which, when fitted correctly holds, things in place. I grimaced think of it as a piece of jewelry. She said.

They come in sizes, two to seven I would use the size three on you. We can always make adjustments Size three, really, I have Admit I was flattered, began to consider the possibilities. The drag that I was wearing a lady like size, three like women who brag about their petite size, eight dresses. I couldn't wait to tell husband, so I opted. to avoid surgery and go with the pet jewelry This meant returning to the office from time to time for some scheduled maintenance kind of my husband takes the car in four thousand mile check up change your greece job but overall I treated my ps3 like jewelry taking her detour And the grocery store and the theatre, alas,. They were size, adjustments down the road of larger, unfortunately, but is just a number right and who cares

just say I didn't do any bragging into the doctors credit. once did she referred to it as the whole hoop I eventually opted for the surgery myself, steam, couldn't take any more and more. surgical follow up appointment. My doktor was looking through the speculators, her handiwork when she smiled and said one word dutiful To which I responded. We really have to get out more. We girls both laughed. Pleased with our new material. In recent years. The children have made assessment visits, were they considered our needs and well being did, they would say as much, but we can tell from advising us on the purchase of a television and carrying in in from the car to hanging dozens of pictures in our new residents to making too, the good will and the dumb today I suppose, of our unwanted items,

times. Their interest in our well being is a mixed blessing. I call the following story: don't you'd your eye out. Nobody It is this my husband said ass. He came into our condo with a big box carrying it well away from his body as though it might contain a poisonous snake. We in order anything from amazon, we're not the kind of people order things online. We shot the old Ashen way, I still am, regions expression when he opened the box with a mixture of confusion and wonder what who would be sending us an adventure force tactical, century x, two ball blaster Oh no, I said stepping back. It's a machine gun, don't touch it John. don't be silly. It's on a machine gun, it's a pistol! I saw that shoots, nerve balls, his eyes.

For like kids on christmas morning model. take it out of the box. I yelled, we have to say it right back? It's a mistake. And then we saw the card from our son was no mistake. There's nothing funny about hearing loss, my husband, his square on with denial. There was nothing wrong with his hearing It was my fault I mumbled have to enunciate. He told me when I read my voice. In order to be heard, I was accused of being angry and impatient after I threatened to register us for a course in signing for the deaf He agreed to see an audio and got his first. Or of hearing aids. Things proved a little, but our tell We can continue to blast away, causing the lamp shades and living room windows to vibrate John denied any connection between the vibrating and

hearing, so I told him there was a petition being circulated in our building about the noise pollution from our television, so he did some research and discovered tv ears, a simple looters wireless headset then allow him to hear the television and a reasonable volume and our neighbours in me to remove our earplugs The downside, of course, is that, when he's wearing the tv ears, conversation between us is impossible. He hears who made the television weeks later, as luck would have it son might came to visit observed our problem and surprised us with a dry erase board complete with markers andy racers, such a clause, for idea sit on the sofa, scribbled my comments and hold up the board. John

Sitting in his blue loungers six feet away had only to read it and react wala. There was just one problem. getting his attention screamed I wave. The town, the air, I threw a pillow at him and his lamb by the time he looked up. The action had moved on and on A comment was irrelevant. I taxi MIKE and told him about my dilemma and that's when the package arrived from amazon. I read the enclosed card. Hey MA am hears perfect way for you to get dad's attention, while he's using his tv ears justly The gun shoot and bounds. Unnerved ball of his leg, then huh of the message board p s Don't shoot your eye out MIKE. Before I knew what was happening, my

it's been had unwrapped a weapon loaded. It and was shooting random targets around the living room with a crane, gleam in his eye. First our family photograph hanging on the wall, then that there miss that, then the sea fan He was eyeing the dining room fixture when midsummer murders came on pbs. Is it bigger evening in the row house, with John scans in his blue leathery kleiner tv ears in and me on, the sofa with a cup of decaf dry. sport and my adventure, forest technical strike, pistol fully It was six rounds of nerve ammo. I could pay simply go wrong. Well, me tell you a few more it's into the show, I wrote the name of the murderer on the board laid down picked up my pissed. and shot my husband's glasses clear off his face before I knew what I was doing I'd squeezed off another round.

Time hitting a lower target. just say they don't call this. The ball blaster for nothing. John, was pleased as luck would have it. he isn't a violent man anyway. There are always saying that the most dangerous firearms are possessed by people who don't know how to use them. So Yesterday morning I stood in the sun moon and did some target practice under my husband total. Of course Fortunately, I was in front of the big window as a passer by glanced up and saw somebody with a gun and threatening pose sheikh. The building captain instead of the police. Thank Heaven what ass. We to get rid of the gun when we moved into the home. Apparently there are rules about own people and machine guns, but that's ok, your simpler nowadays, my has been an. I sit side by side on the sofa when we watch tv all

have to do is lean over. Take his ear he's out and yell. Chapter sixteen a memoir, she wrote. Being a first time. Author gave new purpose too the outings, impossible, for instance, to pass our library without stopping into visit the memoir biography, section kind of like one, might stop to visit a favorite friend I've even been known to replace the book currently on the display stand with my own. Sometimes an accomplice acts as a look out an elder. Innocent. Looking gentleman one day I was visiting a library outside of my neighborhood and checked on my book. It was nowhere to be found. So I played cool and asked the librarian if they carried away. My mother by peggy row? Could it be display in another area. I suggested she checked her computer

afraid all of our copies are out and there are three people ahead of you she said: do you want to put it on hold for you, mrs row, you have turned the shade of ralph, he's bunny outfit and the christmas story and said something like was dead: We had a good laugh together before she said by the way the fund red. Don't you just love librarians and bookstore, don't get me started I had no shame in rearranging displays. I had and early on not to take my book from the shelf in peruse I invariably wanted to make changes I'd say to myself. I should have said that differently. I wish could do it over truth is I could? he'll be tweaking the stories in my first book for years after publishing, but is all raiders. No, there come the time when you must say goodbye and kick your literary fledgling from the nest,

it was mid december when my daughter in law, Margie texted me with some before and after pictures of the book table in her south Florida walmart, the first take your showed to copies of my book. partially obscured on the bottom shelf. In this, and photograph their marges rearranging my books. Appeared on the top shelf proudly looking out at shoppers a third picture Taken an hour later, following marges christmas shopping, showed an m he space on the top shelf, where my books had been price. or to selling occurred to me that having a large family scattered about could be advantageous. Indeed, for an author me to not I envy authors, who had the good fortune to enjoy a career in their prime those women who presented conferences, standing the podium in a pretty little son, dress that essential

it's their slim waste and shows of their shapely camps. For me, Andrews ship sailed during the reagan administration, the more I cover up now them. Presentable, I look my pretty little outfit. These days consists of black slacks and loose fitting top at the age of eighty. Four bullies shown comfort and walking, The podium without limping by only to fashion, would be the laces and my ten issues that match my top. Another downside to having your career take off when you're old is the whole. energy thing, I recently listen to an interview with sixty five, your own author David said aramis. He was on sixty city book tour in something like twenty days as I mentioned earlier, I spent two days on a new york city book tour, came home and slept for a week,

I used to worry about not being able to recall words or names file. Speaking learn that, if you're up front with audiences, they you some slack. I was a q and a at a library when I couldn't think of a word so pointed to my head infest up saying something like brains? Someone called out. What does the word mean? Well, I said it's a story that someone recorded for you to listen to your smartphone. Why you're out walking susie acting voice from the back shouted podcast. There was less. After so little later I pretended to struggle for another word until someone came to my rescue, and of interactive charades they loved it. It says, remind me of the class is from my substituting days: no data throw things or fight, and nobody called out. I don't

to listen to you, you're, just a substitute, but a speech does get a sense. Early on in an audience is going to be fun. If so, I'm in a podium for an hour or more, I'm Do some bends and stretches to avoid blood clots and frozen joins They are fully on board, Some might even join me. I might also share with them that I have a two hour bladder. Don't you worry? I say I came prepared. Yes, I've come a long way from that aged green horn, but still marvel at a full audience. A definite advantages to a late in life career for one I can say with certainty that my work never interfered with my maternal responsibilities, child. technical services did not once pay me a visit or charge me with neglect. Irma bombay,

talked about her children. Slipping note sounded the door while she was hard at work in her home office notes sick. Aimed the house was on fire or that they can was being murdered by assembling romance Author nor roberts head what she called the fire and blood rule when she was writing in home with two young sons. Unless this fire or blood don't bother, me three sons were in their fifties when my writing career took off. fire blood in sibling. Violence were never issues outside of my office door. He only character intruding into my workspace has been an old man who lovingly sets my breakfast on a table beside me while admonishing now eight, while it's hot, Another advantage of being a late bloomer is that I haven't been part of the me to movement. I did have to sleep my way to a publishing contract. I can honestly say there.

Been no sexual harassment in my career, not by publishers, editors book, distributors, interviewers or event, organizers, dope, never zilch one lousy time If and when it should happen. I'm sure Charming will handle it as soon as is laughing. It is a writer you shall inherit the truth, If I've learned anything from writing it is that nothing, reveals the big picture quite like telling the story. I don't We thought of my mother's controlling forcing me to go to church and girl scout where dresses take piano. Lessons listen to opera. Do my homework. She was addict her devoted to moaning, her girls into refined young ladys models of perfection who would risk well on her, despite their desires

But in writing the stories from my book. I you stood her motivation, her true nature was revealed instead of a nosey prying mother, I saw a protective, mother shielding, her daughters from unwholesome relationships and environments. Even her disapproval of my husband to be was understandable. Fortunately, she back down never regretted it. Living my childhood trip to the pony round up and she could take virginia more than an eye opener. It gave in appreciation for the busy mother and office manager who dropped everything. Drove hundreds of miles to a strange town and slept for two nights in a mosquito infested station wagon and parking lot all so that her horse crazed ten year old daughter, might stare at ponies touch them Smell them, dream and store up a lifetime of memories.

Instead of the embarrassment I had felt seventy years earlier, writing about it, allowed me to look back and at my mother's, desperate dramatic performance before a mercenary motel manager who had tried? the charges. Seventy dollars a night in nice. In forty eight. Shame on you for taking advantage of a mother and child she admonished. I haven't, good mind to report to you this I looked down at my cowboy boots and back through the door on the sidewalk later her before it's in the fire house was thoroughly persuasive. As she clutched me to her side. There It has been a slight catch in her voice when she told the fire chief about our debt four situation and the merciless motel operator he looks? the two weary travellers who had no place to spend the night and, like the innkeeper in bethlehem, too pity on us

Not only were we allowed to park directly in front of the fire house for to night, we have laboratory privileges and all the doughnuts we could eat my mother. Most dramatic performance during that trip, place on the drive home when the policemen pulled is over for speeding and really it was asker worthy. Mom rolling down her window What is it officer? Is there something wrong with my car officer? Yes, MA am He was going too fast your license in registration, please mom, speeding during a I've been driving since I was twelve. I've never even been pulled over officer. Licence and registration. Please mom! listen coughing with her hand over her heart I'll feel very well. This has never happened before officer

as I handed him, an envelope from the glove compartment and slid lower in my seat. You'll be all right: ma am mom rubbing the left side of her chest, Are you sure about this officer because I've never officer riding on a pad sure, mrs noble Give you a warning this time, but you need to slow down. You have precious Cargo, a scene It was totally devoid of humor at the time became clear when I wrote that chapter for my book, What a wonderful aid is the memoir to help us. We stand people. Indeed, a and events even when they happened seventy years ago blessing. as the humorist perceivable live with laughter when woman stopped me in the grocery store and said oh missus row. I can so relate to your writing. You and I are, just alike,

gray hair wrinkles and I but on some extra pounds around the middle. Just like you, I saw the humor and was able to laugh instead of slinging ajar pickled beats at her. Then was the lady who compared my writing to comfort food aid, What's me to sleep, she told me: I had to laugh but just as I was thinking, orders woman know how to give a compliment or what she continued. You see I keep your books on my bedside table why I've had terrible day, and I can't stop worrying. I read a chapter to my troubles melt away and I'm asleep in no time, please them start writing mrs row. the occasional dark humour on my social media page makes me laugh omen, this row disposed was so funny. I nearly rode off my hospital bed laughing. I wasn't

quite sure how to react to the young woman who touched my arm and said missus row you Am I dead grandmother all over, so I simply smiled and tried to look pleased. and made a mental note to John this one down. Then she went on to extol her grandmothers virtues and tell me how much of an influence she had been in her own life. I know after so much. She said eyes brimming, And then she asked me to sign to copies of my book I did that being compared to dead. Relatives can be the ultimate compliment. We really amidst the corona virus shut down in my second book hit the shells metaphorically speaking, so I wasn't able to go on a book tour. Instead. They were telephone and zoom interviews One day there were as many as ten were, I answered some of the same questions over and over

My answers are always earnest, of course, but from time the time I have to admit I fantasize about shaking things up just a little. Interviewer peggy in a time when the divorce rate is forty to fifty percent. Why do you thank you and John had been able to stay together for sixty years me that some early on. Neither one of us wanted custody of three voice In later years, neither one of us has the energy to move out. Interviewer. Wide eyed and tearing his throat, I see well Do you and your husband spend your time during this quarantine me? You may one we're not fighting interviewer nervous laughter me John stays busy with his internet porn sites and I enjoy

Looking through the neighbors windows, which binoculars one these days, I'm going to give it a try, childhood passion was horses. and my dream was to be a professional rider and trainer. My mother, me to adjust that dream. When I was in my teens, peggy she said you to be realistic? your career, horses: are your hobby they're, not an approach? free career for a young woman, be a teacher You were fine sunday, school teacher and of what She teaching children to ride your good with them. They love you sometimes it's worth listening to our mothers I became an adult. I used writing in my teaching and before long it was my passion. It filled my head and eventually my days and I dreamed of being an author and publishing books, friends in my critique group,

helped me to adjust that dream. and, as a result, I rode shorter pieces articles stories and essays. There were easier to get published than a book today. I call myself, a writer not be My name is on to new york times best seller list, but because people I have cared for most in this world have appreciated and benefit from my modest works, my parents, and sister, my spend and children. my friends and neighbours pride in my accomplishments has helped to keep my passion alive. The rest is icing on the cake My husband would say the pepperoni pizza. I granddaughters now in their thirties. Recently recalled my first book that I shared with them all those years ago. I was speechless

that they would remember the plot and characters in such vivid detail. Left me humbled and grateful who knows maybe I'll open that door. One of these days and now The risk of sounding way to earnest, which I try, To avoid like those lofty phrases, I must, I tell you this book will teach anyone how to write or how to get a book published. I am far from an expert on either I am certainly not here to encourage readers to follow their dream because sometimes dreams are unrealistic and needs be adjusted or deferred. Think of he is one of those folks by the side of the road who offers, students to those passionate marathon runners and cheer them on along their journey who doesn't need someone to cheer them on no matter. Their passion may be mild.

I'm favorite quote- is one attributed to albert schweitzer in every one's life at some time our interview goes out. It is then burst into flame by an end enter with another human being John and I live next door to my parents for most of our married life, which was oddly enough a good thing. I was visiting my mother one day when I looked around and saw her old singer, trudell sewing machine in the corner. She had made all of our close as well. A breeze slip covers table clause aprons and halloween costumes on an old machine. oh mom. I said you're aid five years old So any more we can get. that old thing I know quite possibly the most insensitive words on ever spoken. She looked at me as though my hair were engulfed in flames, why would, want to do that peggy. I could still creed

My greatest masterpiece, I rode three books. After the age of eighty after a sixty year journey with detours, disappointment and doubt along with some magnificent scenery,. I followed my passion throughout my adult life, because I didn't have a choice. I simply Don't know how not to that my story could inspire someone else. Remember we might still create our greatest masterpiece, acknowledgements. With special thanks to my loving and supportive family, been known to read the words I write and to claim to enjoy them son mike. shares my passion and with it whom my writing journey would have been quite different, Jamie buckley,

illustrator for his club. cover design, as well as other chapter drawings. My friends, micro works, who make my life easier, Mary, jade, chuck, sherry, laura and Libby. Editors, LISA Stillwell and billy brown. Now who helped to make this a real book: jonathan mark four gingrich and the rest. And forefront books, my publisher of choice. my friend and first reader michel, woe Joe. where'd you Caskey, who always offers me good advice all people who read my books and my hundreds of thousands of little facebook friends. The.

The holidays are here and Acme has made entertaining easier than ever: find holiday meal, inspiration, chef, curated recipes and grocery rewards to rejoice in all in the acme mobile up shop and store for all your seasonal favorites or spend more time enjoying the occasion by ordering online for delivery or drive up and go where an acme associate will bring the groceries right to your car acme.

Your holiday headquarters. If you run a small business, you need the most from every investment. That's why comcast business gives you more like our new gig speed, wifi, plus unlimited data, all on the largest fastest reliable network for small businesses, comcast business power possibilities, don't miss our special holiday offer and ask how to get up to seven hundred and fifty two other prepaid card with a qualifying bundle, confidante and twelve for twenty twenty two restrictions by requires gave an extra bundle with two year agreement