« The Tony Robbins Podcast

Love is a choice, and the choice is yours | Dr. Cheryl Fraser on how to create an extraordinary relationship, with passion

2020-02-03 | 🔗

When it comes to relationships, many people think that there’s some sort of finish line – and that once you finally find your person, you’ve somehow “made it.” But in reality, it’s just the beginning. 

Relationships, like any area of your life, require attention, intention and mindfulness in order to thrive. And who doesn’t want a wildly passionate, intimate relationship in which we’re challenged, cherished and cheered on? When you actively engage yourself in your relationship and focus on becoming the best partner you can be, on giving all that you can to your partner, you’ll discover a love like you’ve never known. 

In this episode, we’re talking to Dr. Cheryl Fraser. She’s a clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and Buddhist teacher – and has conducted extensive research on what causes relationships to succeed, or fail. She’ll teach you the 3 components that lead to life-long passion and a truly exceptional relationship – plus techniques that you can implement to become a more mindful lover.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Change of change like when it comes supplanting your wife. I want to get you learn to ask three questions now and the first one is not. What am I gonna? Do of course, you ask yourself is one we want. What's my out What's my result? First is to get you focused on the target? The target is not the activity. The activity can change its. What's the result, I'm after, if you know exactly what it is, you really want what you desire, what you really after clarity power. Will you on specifically what you want. The faster you bring can get you there is ever so. It is brought to you, my rpf. The rapid planning method is the system that tony personally developed to make a plan for his life and create his six billion dollar business empire right best selling books travel the world for his
and still have the time and energy to spend quality time with the people he loves. Most. We have a special offer for pockets. Listeners go to Tony Robins, dotcom, Slash r, p M and use the promo code pod twenty to receive twenty dollars off the rapid planning method, as Tony Robins dotcom slash are key. Am the discomfort as p o d Tuesday what does it take to successfully create a lasting changing your wife first? you gotta have a vision for what it is. You really truly want something has the power you push requires willpower and willpower. Never, alas, what will last is having something so exciting so attractive somebody desire. So much, then, you have a hard time, go to sleep at night to get up early in the morning or rocket and take it to the next level, both them to turn you haven't. I can't
here listening to an episode, that's part of especial season where we explore the five areas of life that many people focus on improving at the start of new year, like health, productivity, personal finance, career and, of course, relationships when it comes to relationships. So many people think that there is some sort of finish line that once you finally find your person, you somehow made it, but in Rio, it's just the beginning. Relationships like any area of your life require attention, intention and mindfulness in order to thrive and who, among us doesn't want a wily. Passionate
relationship in which were challenged cherished and cheered on. When you put the work in when you actively engage yourself in your relationship and focus on becoming the best partner, you can be on giving all that you can do your partner, you'll discover a love like you, ve, never known in this episode were talking to Doktor Cheryl, Fraser she's, a clinical psychologist, a sex therapist buddhist teacher, author and speaker. In fact, she spoke and Antonia Platinum partners at his relationship seminar, Maui Doktor Fraser has conducted extensive research on behaviour and relationships and on what causes them To succeed or fail, she helps couples around the world cut through the resistance and reignite the connection they think they ve lost years. Doktor Fraser. She explains the three components that make up a truly Sectional relationship healthy relationship is not an accident. People tend to
wait around waiting for things to get better and let's face it were all really good at falling in love, any idiot can fall in love. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love takes mindfulness or more falling in love. We ve got all this interest in charge. We plan were intentional. We want to impress the person we wanted dazzle their world, I think of it. Sometimes that is falling in love. The feelings are so fantastic were like a rottweiler who gets given a squeaky squirrel toy. We jump on it, we clamp down on it. I want to feel this way forever falling in of his easy? Staying in love takes mindfulness the exceptional couples, who have a passionate, deep, emotionally connected sexually? a radically alive xx eating love affair in the long term that doesn't happen by accident makes an exceptional relationship. Exceptional couples cultivate what all the three keys to passion. I suggest you
as to visualize it as a triangle, the passion triangle. This has an equilateral triangle. Ideally, what we do is we are strong in all three of these keys to passion. The first one is intimacy. The second one is thrill and the third one is sent she well it he a triangle with all three sides: strong, that's an exceptional couple now Do I mean here by intimacy, I mean these psychological emotional, connected communication aspect, the friendship aspect of a great love affair This is where we manage conflict reasonably effectively. We apologise and repair. Well, we have a deep friendship which cruelly intrigued and interested in our sweetheart? We care about. What's going on in the world and weak. Connected, unlike our sweetheart, is got our back most couples in a long term relationship. Pretty strong and intimacy, but they may be weak in the following to get. These are the three keys to passion intimacies, the first? The second is
Will this one's a little ineffable again or more falling in love? We ve got all the hormones. Biochemistry hopes. Dreams and romantic insane and unrealistic projections going on. It's really easy to be fascinated with you through is the butterflies in the stomach, the rushes over erotic attraction, the excitement and the laser just interest in you I had when we were falling in love. How you doing on that these days. If you ve, been together for five years. Fifteen years, are you accept did when you sweetheart comes home or does the dog barrel to the front door and jump up and down in freak out, and you sit in the living room and go hey where Are you in terms of showing thrill the second to the three keys, the first key intimacy, the second key, rule and the third key yum yum yum sensuality, and by their I dont, simply in sexuality, I mean literally all your five senses. How you relate to your sweetheart through your body, in your voice through
sound smell through all of it, sensuality covers the entire spectrum of the erotic and special way. We relate to our partner, whether that's holding hands when we walk the dance, whether that's how in my hand, on the back of your neck, when you're driving us to our appointment and the entire Rome of Sexual, an erotic contact from a passionate kiss good night to a warm hug, hello too, these simple sweetest, whose sole shaking lovemaking and to the wildest Sexy is taboo raw hanging off the rafters kind of sexual contact, intimacy, thrill, and sensuality strong amazing, exceptional couples have a good dose of all three. When I asked Each of us to do right now is briefly to a quick internal check on you and your relationship these days. Where are you on the passion triangle? Are you strong and intimacy, but like them, majority of longer term couples you may be strong. Intimacy but pretty weaken, thrill and
yeah, mediocre and sensuality, you don't make love very often, and it's not very exciting. I call that marriage incorporated at night say it's kind of the number one law relationship, doldrums marriage incorporated were approaching our law a fairer and her family like a business, not on purpose. We kind of fall into that over time So we're doing a pretty good job of marriage incorporated we high five each other in the hallway, when you're taken Billy off to type window and I'm taking our daughter to her activity, the pills get paid were building some action. We ve got a home that we feel good about legal camping in this summer or, awesome parents and we're good friends. Thrill. Are you kidding me I'm fuzzy socks watching Netflix and you're like a Ebay Thy MIKE? What were you through early die when you're in marriage incorporated Anna sensual sexual erotic. Life can be very nice collected. I sometimes say
buckle long term relationship encounter a it tends to be infrequent people making love. Maybe once every few weeks are once every few months and b, I call it nipple nipple crotch good night, it's a fairy simple routine. We do it over and over, and there is very little thrill or creativity as one and when you are unbalanced in the three key to passion intimacy through and sensuality too much intimacy is the death of desire as the brilliant Esther peril says, conversely, quickly I mentioned some people are really strong and sensuality and thorough and very weak an intimacy they can only really connect and relate through sexual contact or adventure going on trips having fun going to night clubs, but they find a really hard to be deep and emotionally connected and develop, meaning and depth, and inaction and communication, it's triangle as well, exceptional relationships? Are not the result of falling in love with the right person, which is what we are often told in our
society. There is a huge emphasis on who we choose to be with and while that extremely important choosing the right person does not guarantee happiness. It takes more than that think about your own life how's, your health, our things in your job or your business, going. It's likely that, if you're in a cheaper and you're not doing well in any of these areas. You ve held yourself accountable and taken action to improve the situation. As Tony says, action is the most key to any success. According to Doktor Fraser relationships work in the exact same way, if you're in happy you're having challenges in your relationship and your suffering, it's up to you the chain here, she is with more not. I think lot of us, accept that when it comes to our health and our weight, nor fitness that it's up to us ultimately- and I think most of us accept it when it comes to business. That is up to us to create
the change to solve the problem to bring the solution to the team wait around for the team to figure it out, but does this fall apart for a lot of us comes comes to our love relationship. Tell you what I can't tell you, how many people over the years. I've heard say something along these lines, if only my spouse was more romantic. Why doesn't year she taking on dates? Anymore, where they say you know, I guess the thrills just gone and it's just the way it is right. I mean it's. What happens right? That's what doesn't last forever listen to the complete lack of ownership, the Pacific the tea. In those comments, the phrase I like to use is become passion that is up to each of us to become passion and a dove beautifully with the energy we hopefully bring to the rest of our lives, fitness, business, etc. It's up to me to me my relationship great, it's to my mind, to decide on going to become the passion I am
waiting around waiting for you to bring to me. So how about I step up and I create that change. Tony's is beautiful term here. He uses the term being. Generous lover. The term I use, which is basically identical in its meaning, is becoming an awakened lover. How I awakened fully to my intimacy, thrill and sense reality. How can I become passion actively bring these qualities to you and me an extraordinary lover for you lovers of verb, the most important letter in that word is the are at the end. Can I be a lover and sit waiting around to feel like I'm in love? Was this story we make up in our mind when we're in patch in our relationship? Goodness knows real relationships are an have multiple rough patches. Do we start to go into an escape clause story,
about how well, if it doesn't get better than maybe I'll look for something else that doesn't get better. Maybe we're not meant to be with each other. All my goodness. I hate that phrase not meant to be created. The meaning choose to be commit one hundred per cent to being an extraordinary lover. Not easy. I never want to sound cavalier like anything else. We want to master. Mastering ultimate relationship is going to take time. Energy effort, and intentional, and I have a little exercise I like to offer to everybody. Listening five it's a day or so, and it will start to change the quality of your love affair by Having you become intentional, my sweetheart. I try To do this. Every morning he's got his cup of elite ethiopian, special bland coffee, and I got my lovely special blend tee We sit in the living room and we take a couple of minutes I'll share with you. Actually our aspirations for
this morning I call this setting loving intentions and we each quietly thank takes up a minute or so what is an intention or aspiration? I want to set about my relationship today so this morning. Didn't, I said, ok I'll go first. I said today I tend to be very careful with my voice and to be very careful about my voice sounding impatient when I'm in a rush. I want to really focus today on a kind of loving tone of voice that was mine, little backstory, I'm in the middle of a business launch right now and it's I'm very, very, very busy time and I get a little time and it is possible that sure all the passion expert gets a little crabby, and I very expressive voice. So that was my intention. Simple sweet to the point. My sweetheart went next end To my delight, this is the one who came up with he said I want to create a special romantic event for my wife tonight and that's what my intention is. Quite that was it. We go off
for our days were not get us each other for ten hours we come back and we have the rest of our day and we try to do what I encourage you all to do, set an intention, honest, you can do this in two or three minutes and at the end, they hopefully together if that's possible, but you can do this on your own in the evening review, for a minute a minute. How did I do on my intention today? So I would review quickly and say you know: was I impatience therapy in my voice today, or did I catch it and use a warm tone and he would review his make love intention If you want something great, it's not gonna happen all by itself. If you ve ever been in a romantic relationship. You know that conflict, whether you like it or not, is a part of human beings have complex, because we're different people with different opinions and different frames of reference on flights is inaccurate,
and according to Doktor Fraser, one of the most critical skills that couples can develop, is to manage it well, in other words, it's not about if we mess up, but when and what we can do about it first after Fraser, again with some healthy and productive way. Is that you can approach conflict in your relationship when it arises. So let me offer a couple of ideas for a kind of mine for love being in pensioners ways to attempt to do a better job. We run into a difficult problem between the two of us. First I'll talk about it. It started difficult conversation and most of us really suck at this myself included unless I bring pensioners party, and I catch myself before I bring up a difficult topic. I'm upset about something I want to lodge a complaint about something I'm triggered about something. How do I bring it up? Research indicates that the first
Three minutes of a discussion same as business, the first three minutes of a discussion, ten to predict the outcome of the discussion to about an eighty percent level, meaning if I found the tech support, I'm having trouble with- and I start you know it's not working where I come in NATO hot mean generally, the gall doesn't go well. We know this, but why do we forget when it comes to love? So here is a very simple technique, not easy, but it simple on how to approach a difficult topic with skill set yourself up for a higher likelihood that the conversation can go. Ok, I'll use, a real simple example that happens to a lot of people certainly happens to me, which, as we have said, chores or deals around the house that he's responsible for this I'm responsible for that? One of his is taking up the garbage every two weeks where we are in the country. They pick up the garbage so few missing burbage pick up. You end up with a lot of stinky garbage, there's gonna be around for four weeks, so you know where this
is headed. Yes, it is actually true that, on occasion I dearly beloved chosen person forgets to take the garbage up, and then I notice- and sometimes in the past maybe in the future. I hope not. I've been very unskilful in how I brought it up all. For goodness sake, you forgot the garbage. I can't count on you get it together. What's the deal, do I have to who everything around here? I'm sure nobody listening resonates with that little mimicry. Do they No, how would I bring that up in a skilful way to review? How can you bring up a difficult topic in us? four way very simple, elegant formula. I feel axe about why and I need said so, you forgot He got the garbage, I'm pretty upset about it. I feel frustrated that you forgot to take the garbage out I need you to be more aware and better at keeping that commitment. I feel Ex about why upset about the garbage- and I need said I Need you to do a better job and be reliable. Now you don't have to be very frequent puffins here and of the joy voice.
Of all time, you're allowed to be upset or crabby emotions and biochemistry happen, keep working on that keep working on that nicer tone, but the form a means that there is a possibility for success. I feel exe but why- and I need said, try it right now: you can or later today. I want you each too. About a smaller, a large annoyance, disconnect argument or conflict. You had with your sweetheart Do this with a work issue as well, and I want you think how could I have brought it up using this formula? I feel Ex about why an uneasy and see what that's like and then try it out. You may relate to some of these things that doctor freezers been talking about. Maybe your arguing partner, a lot you ve lost the passion or your experiencing marriage incorporated where you're running your relationship like a business, if you,
that you're, ready to improve your relationships good day with destiny, can help it with destiny. Is Tony's favorite event is the one that you might have even seen in the Netflix documentary: I'm not your guru over the course of six days. You learn how to ignite or reignite, your passion in all areas of your life, including your intimate relationship, and we have a special offer for potash listeners act now and you can get up to forty five percent off a date with destiny ticket go to Tony Robin Stockholm, Slash desk, and enter the promo code D. W D for five, I check out welcome back to the corner of his past. You just heard from Doktor Cheryl Fraser, who gave a framework of how she productively approach difficult conversations with your partner. But what do you do when you ve really messed up. Maybe you had a really bad argument and said something hurtful or maybe you ve done.
Thing in your actions that has caused them pain for most people. The immediate reaction is to apologize, but according to Doktor Fraser, it's the way. We apologise. That's the key to moving forward. Here. She is with how you can be more mindful in your apologies, I'm going to teach you the art of the mindful apology. This takes both people and I'm going to set this up, as though I have said something that has hurt you. Okay, now, there's three steps. First, I deliver a specific apology. I'm gonna tell you how to do that in a moment. Second, you receive my apology and forgive me and third together we begin again. Let me give a tiny bit a context for this, because it's really important masterful couples to a hundred per cent responsibility for everything in their relationship. So if I've wronged you I've said something is hurt. Your feelings you take as much
possibilities I do for trying to get us back into alignment. My mistake, or your mistake has taken us out of alignment were not as connected were not in flow were not as trusting open, deepen vulnerable and as it is in their metaphorically, with your arms cross. Saying well, Cheryl hurt my feelings. She better fix this now. The idea is that were both in this apology together, the one you deliver In this case me, I've made the error the one who receives that are equally important. If you want excellence, follow this formula, so let's say you said: hey baby. Are you coming but baseball game tomorrow night- and I said your- I don't want to come to your game. You know I think baseball stupid. I think it's a waste of time on very skilful thing to say, and you her by that now we're going to enter into me choosing to apologize. Here's the I am not a fan of people. Just saying. I'm sorry, I know that's a bit of a surprise, I'm not a fan.
People saying I'm sorry well, I think I'm sorry can be pretty weak. We can toss often I'm sorry and nothing's, going to change. So I train people to do a three step, little three step process. And I apologise to you when I offer my apology to you, I'm gonna own, my behavior, I'm going to repair and I'm gonna thou to do better. So what might- sound like about the comments made about your baseball game. I might say HUN look I'm really sorry! I made this night comment about your baseball game that wasn't cool. Wasn't kite boom, I'm owning my behavior. That's the part most people skip Secondly, I then offer my repair in the form of an apology. Usually I'm sorry, I said it wasn't my best moment I feel badly, but then boom boom urine big change. You need to set goals and create change and by doing the following step, which is going to improve a complete, might behavior change intention. So I've said I own it. I've offered you my
pair my apology and I've been avowed or do better, so I might say, hey baby, I'm really sorry. I said that thing that was ignorant. It was kind of mean of me, I'm sorry. I said it. I feel badly tell you what thing I can come to your game tomorrow. You know it's not really my thing, but maybe your friend could teach me the game a bit while I watch and make it more fun. I do want to support what matters tee. I vowed to do better now. Most of us think that was an epic apology, Cheryl you're the best. I can see why your love expert we'd, why away considering it was done now. The receiver of the apology is equally important for us to be back in alignment, love and connection again. So if the receiver goes thanks and walks away, that's pretty good, but you can do better the person receiving the apology. I want to also do three steps. I want you to thank the person whose apologise to you. I want you to acknowledge what they ve on- and I want you than to accept, if you're ready, you can't accept an apology
not ready to take your heart? That's okay, might take you a bit of time, but the person who's must play baseball, might say he shall thank you. I do appreciate. You only know. That's really great yeah, a kind of I've been hurt my feet wings and it was important to me in your important to me and I'd like you to come, and I accept your apology. I really do appreciate it. I am expressing here. It sounds again really simple and very elegant, but it's hard to do, but I promise you if you practice a mindful dual apology or we're both taking responsibility happiness or were being awakened lovers, generous lovers. You will find your able to repair her and then we get to the third and final peace there is the person offering the person receiving and then we begin again begin. Again in this present moment here and now. What happened before literally doesn't exist unless we choose to, keep a story alive in her head and
by doing that from buddhist philosophy. There's a story of would pick up a hot cool, what happens, hoping it up and burned there and then we hang onto the coal and we wonder why it keeps hurting. Let go open your palm. What the hot core fall to the ground is what we practice and were hurt over and over again with our love, which is and go of the small and large ways we mess up and beginning again, fresh and clear in this present well I it's. The only one we ve got in this present moment is ultimate open, generous Non defended, love we can just clear out the clouds and sank into the love that was already there, and there is one practical You can do to anchor this into action that will help you deliver on your vows do better. So I ve poligized to you and I vow to do better. Now, vows tricky thing right in. Hand. Chin kind of floating around in space doesn't always come to fruition. So what I
the just there. If I vow to do better by saying in this case I'm gonna come to your game tomorrow night, when I try to learn more about baseball. Now would be a terrific thing, too, into tomorrow morning when I do my mindful relationship intention with you, so we're sitting with our coffee and tea, and I say ok, my relationship aspiration today is to come here baseball game tonight, but more than that is to do it with a glad heart and too actually try to find something funny about baseball, at the beginning of this episode, you her Doktor Fraser talk about the passion triangle and its three components that lead to extraordinary relationship, intimacy, thrill and sensuality. So how does mindfulness play a part in each one of those crucial pieces and how do we choose where to focus our attention here is Doctor Fraser again on how mindfulness can lead to a loving and passionate relationship at last a lifetime listen closely because she's going to walk you through an exercise that can help you brings
of the excitement and thrill back into Yorks. We ve talked about intimacy, and here again I define intimacy is the emotional psychological communication conflict. Resolution and friendship side of our passion triangle. We ve talked about bringing in ten venality to how to approach a difficult conversation, and we ve talked about bringing intentionally on how to repair forgiven begin again, always messed up. The second side of the passion triangle I call three whole again. Those are those ineffable charged, a wonderful attraction, interest feelings we get in the beginning of a relationship. Now thrill is the trickiest side of the passion triangle thrill is the quality that is the most elusive for long term couples. Why, quite simply because thrill- thrives on novelty. That's why falling love, is easy, everything's, new, exciting and fresh? Now I want you to do a little tiny thought experiment right now. Let's say you did way.
This morning in bed next year, partner, baby their travelling or whatever than think at the most recent time. When you woke up open your eyes. Looked over ear slumbering were waking sweetheart, always the case It will be of interest the quorum. He of curiosity now imagine it was the first order Second morning, they'd ever woken up in your bed. Next you. What was the quality of interest, then, who is the quality of mindful mind that you brought when you woke up and this new love this new Never was in your bad for one of the first Times bingo. That's why it's hard to have thrill in the long term, because thrill thrives on novelty on things being new here's the thing now mindful is, is a hundred percent about show up in this moment and experiencing this moment this graph is kiss this conversation as though it has never,
happened before and guess what it literally hasn't happened before imagined match that we were able to give you right now through the airwaves, a tiny sliver of the most exquisite belgian chocolate and I want you to imagine, putting that on your tongue and melting and its soft and its gorgeous and the flavor explodes in your mouth Now almost none of us are going to say it's a chocolate. I've had a thousand of them before big deal because were enjoying the moment of this chocolate. We don't get bored with chocolate if you're bored with your mate its, you're, not bringing mindful interest to this fascinating human being that you have the profound pleasure to spend your life. With. You know why affairs happen one of the most common reasons. Is that someone finds your mate interesting again meet someone out of work function at lunch and that prisons fascinated there seem, we bringing the quality of novelty in interest they like list.
When to your mate stories and set a rolling their eyes. So thrill and mindfulness are key together if I'm going to find my beloved fascinating after twenty five years after ten years after a lifetime. It's my mind that I need to train I need to bring the mind of interest you're, absolutely fascinating. If I'm bored with you is because I'm not training my mind to bring novelty and focus and mindful list who you are The third side of the passion triangle were mindfulness is also very, very keys. Sensuality. All things erotic and sensual extraordinary and very important research showing that mindfulness learning to focus directly on happening on a touch on a moment on a breath. Training our mind to allow the busy cocktail party chaos. In our mind, imagine your at a busy cocktail party and you and I are having a fascinating conversation. We ought
medical sort of phase out and blur out all the other noise that laughter the clinking glasses, the rock music on the stereo? We lettered all fade into the background, we're still aware of it, but it fades in the background as we're, bringing mindful focused attention to our fastened in conversation with you Jen making love like that. Touching like that quality of bring your mind into sensuality is what will light up your sensual in erotic life as though, for the first time, unless you're driving. I want you to take a moment right now and close your eyes and do a thirty second exercise with me Can do it later if you're driving away to close your eyes when you take the fingers, one hand and focusing is deeply as you can. And on the touch sensation. I want you to gently stroke. The top of your other hand with your fingers, and I want you to focus just for a few seconds as deeply as you can
on what that touch sensation of finger stroking. The back of the other hand, feels like while What the majority of us experienced is that was way more intense than we thought it would be. Was it a super magic touch? No, it was the simple quality of bringing mindful attention to the touch itself. So if you want a light up here, actual life. It's bringing the mind and alignment with touch with body with love. Making that will light things up. Miniature beautiful old story was a couple hours. Working with a couple years ago. They were in my office and at the head of a sexual couple, in this instance in the woman, was bringing forward a pin point for her a complaint that he never company It's me he never UNICEF, anything nice about how I look or my clothes said. Last night we were going to this gathering and I came into the bedroom was wearing a new dress and make up inherent. I really felt good, and I know I looked great annoy looked pretty and he didn't even seemed a notice, and I want
her guy any kind of crumpled a little bit next week the couch. It was subtle, but I saw it he felt defeated and I started asking him: its thoughts, and he said, of course I think, she's beautiful. I always think she's beautiful this was a man of few words articulating his expert it was not in his comfort zone. He wasn't a good compliment giver, so I started digging. It's gotta, be some golden hair. And I asked him you know- you say you think about it all the time. Can you give an example of a time you're thinking of her and what you do nieces sure? That's why bring her shoes in, I was mildly puzzled. So I asked he then went on to say they lived in it carport and an attached carport, and the carport of course was also it mushroom attended to leave their shoes in coats to leave their shoes he coats out there.
What he went on to explain was every morning when she was in the shower he'd go out and get her shoes from the carport bring them into the house by the front door. And of course I asked him why and he said well, I don't want to have to put her feet in cold shoes before she left the house to go to work, and I watched and she melted a little bit because she heard the love the attention and the thoughtfulness her guy had for her. Yet he wasn't gonna giving compliments the moral of the story it's up to her, which thing to folk Do you want to focus on the fact that she is not good at saying you look pretty, or do you want to focus on the fact that he brings your shoes under the cold carport every morning ass he doesn't want you to have to put your feet in cold shoes that's a beautiful act of love so, as I sometimes joke, when your partner steps out of the shower in the morning, do you want to focus on their hairy back or focus on the radiant? It's completely up to don't change your mate
change your mind, change your focus. Intentionally choose to look for what's working instead of what's not working and noticed the increase in your openness, your heart, your attraction and, ultimately people your happiness. If there was one thing I could offer for how to make this year to common every year to come, rich and deep and to develop your passion triangle: to bring more depth breadth, happiness, sensuality. It's for your relationship. What what gone your relationship. What Did you just say what I mean? Is this how many of us want to work on our relationship. We work all the time on everything it seems now. That is not in contradiction to what I said at all. I want you to refrain the idea of working on your relationship, and I want you instead to approach your relationship like a hobby, think about that for a SEC worded the qualities of a high
be when it uses the groups. I have them shout out. You know what makes something a hobby is opposed to. Not a hobby and people say well. Something you want to do you do it, because it matters to you what else you'll get paid for your hobby. Most of us want to. Come better at our hobby if we're potter, golfer dancer, we often study or take a class work with an expert. We want to continue master and improve our skills at our hobby. We create time for our hobby. Please please memorize, that one We create time for our hobby. We care about time. We make it a priority. That means intention planning, prioritizing, valuing make your love life aha
this year and in the years to come. That's where you apply your intention equity! That's why you might choose to have your daily rituals of setting a loving intention having a deep, passionate, kiss goodnight, making love making a priority, not letting it fall on the back burner, but make it a hobby bring a quality. Curiosity and interest and joyfulness tier love life and don't work on your relationship as much as dive into the hobby of mindful, loving, because, again ultimate The great happiness is up to us. Greatly of a great sensuality, begin and end in the mind and in our choice to become and be a generous. Weakened lover to bring the very best of our heart mind to this love affair between you- and I at this time. Train your mind and train your heart to be an lover, my greatest hope, is that I will learn in my own relationship to fall in love over and over
with the one I'm already with One moment at a time because remember love all in ITALY is a choice and the choice is yours, but turnarounds podcast directed by Tony Robins and produced by the twenty Robins editorial team, with audio at it, and sound designed by Jeremy ends. Today's gassed was doktor, Cheryl, Fraser, clinical psychologist, sex, therapist and buddhist teacher to hear more about some of the principal she covered today and how you can become a more mindful lover check out her book. It's called buddhas bedroom, its avail on Amazon, ending bookstores.
Transcript generated on 2020-04-03.