« The Tony Robbins Podcast

Upholder, Questioner, Obliger or Rebel? | Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin talks about The 4 Tendencies

2018-01-31 | 🔗

We all want to have healthy habits. Whether that means eating right, working efficiently, exercising or taking care of yourself emotionally - healthy habits help us lead happier lives. But how do you adopt healthy habits? How do you step out of the struggle and make them part of your DNA? After all - we’re all wired completely differently and respond to inner and outer expectations in our own ways. So what is the solution that will work for you?

In this episode of the Tony Robbins Podcast, our host, Ana Yoerg, sits down with best-selling author and happiness expert, Gretchen Rubin.

Gretchen has written four New York Times best-selling books, including: The Four Tendencies, Better than Before, Happier at Home and The Happiness Project. Her books have sold more than 3 million copies worldwide. She hosts an award-winning podcast, “Happier with Gretchen Rubin,” where she discusses happiness and forming good habits with her sister, Elizabeth Craft. And she is widely regarded as the foremost authority when it comes to habits, human nature and happiness.

Gretchen maintains that people fall under 1 of 4 behavioral tendencies - the upholder, the obliger, the questioner or the rebel. It’s about how we respond to both inner and outer expectations. Do you embrace the rules? Do you resist? What compels you? What frustrates you?

Understanding your tendency towards expectations can help you manage your life in a more insightful, productive way. And in this episode, she distills complex psychological tendencies into habit-forming strategies that really work for the individual. So you can make better decisions, meet deadlines, engage more effectively, and even find a better way of understanding other people’s perspectives – allowing you to find more effective ways of communicating, connecting and finding happiness.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
This episode of the attorney Robins podcast is brought to you by Tony Robins result. Coaching. Are you ready to experience and extraordinary quality of life for maybe you're already doing? Well, but you know you can take her life to a whole new level. To do that, you have to set yourself up to win. You need a process away to consistently grow and produce the results that you need. That's what a twenty Robins results coach. For you, whatever area in your life, you want to change your relationship, your health, your career, your business, coaching as one of the most valuable tools you can have it investment and yourself and it can yield some of the highest return. Ty, Robins results. Coaches, are hand selected and trained by the Master of coaching Tony Robins himself to have the skills that one power, he was Supreme Folk S, powerful insight and the accountable We needed to achieve everything you ve ever dreamed tat. You get started Tony as offering podcast listeners free results, coaching strategy session with one of his top
coaches. It's a two hundred dollar value and you're, getting it for free the attorney Robin Stockholm Slash results, schedule that free session today if you have healthy habits with her, that means eating right, working efficiently, exercising or even taking care of yourself emotionally you're, much more likely to be happy, but how do you adopt healthy habits? How do you step of the struggle and make them part of your dna. After all, we're all wired completely differently and respond to inner and outer expectations and our own ways. So what's the solution that will work, for you Hey guys, it's any org at trail director for our rights in this episode of the Tunisians podcast I'm sitting
with the best selling author and happiness expert, Gretchen Ribbon, you may have read one of Russians. Many books like or near toes bestsellers, the four tendencies better than before or the happiness project. Her books have sold more than million copies worldwide. You might also listen to her word winning pot cast happier with Gretchen ribbon where she talks about happiness and for me bad habits with her sister Elizabeth Crafts Gretchen is the foremost authority when it comes to habits, human nature and happiness station helping us to still complex psychological tendencies into habit, forming strategies that really work, because developing good, it is the first step to getting happier. It starts with understanding yourself in a level you may have never considered before crushing maintain but people fall under one of four behavioral tendencies. The upholder we oblige her, the questioner or the rubble.
It's about how we respond to both inner and our expectations. Do you embrace the rules, you resist what compels you? What frustrates you understand? Your tendency expectations can help. You manage your life at a more insightful productive way, so you can make better decisions. Meet deadlines, engage more effectively and even find a better way of understanding. Other p, as perspectives, which allows you to find more effective ways of communicating and connecting so, let's go now to crush ribbon aright Gretchen revenge welcomes that twenty Robins podcast were so happy to have you here I'm so happy to be talking EU. So you have this book called the four tendencies, and it's an extremely popular sort of identity, questing, nearly a million people have taken this quest now our past.
I am really valiant. That's incredible, so was wondering if you could sort of give us basic outline of what are these four tendencies and what are some of the key traits of them, and then I also want to have people listening today. I've got to questions from the quest for them to answer to them. Selves right, sort of goes through the answers of those in and help people understand what they are. Ok, yeah yeah most people can tell what they are. Does from a quick description. Anyone really need to take the question now is a description by people want to take the quizzed at happier cast dot com, slash quiz, if you feel like you, wanna take the quotas, but so that this is a personality framework that divides people into four types of holders. Questioners oblige hers and rebels and what its looking it's looking at, something very narrow, but very significant, which is how do you respond to expectations? So we all face two kinds of expectations outer expectations, expectations that come to us from the outset.
I'd like a work deadline or a request from a friend and then in our expectations, the expectations that we place on ourselves like I want to keep a new year's resolution. I want to get back into practice and guitar regularly so, depending on how you respond to internet or expectations that what that's, what makes you an apple the questioner and oblige her rubble so upholders readily meet outer and inner expectation. They meet the work deadline. They keep the nearest resolution without much fuss. They want to know what other people expect from them that their expectations for themselves, or does this important then our questioners questioners coalesced in all expectations they'll, do it if they think it makes up, they make it really. An inner expectation if it meets their standard they'll mean it. If it fails there standard, they will resist. I tend to hate anything arbitrary, inefficient, irrational. There was one in a war.
Should I I love this one and by the way, I'm a complete questioner and I loved her, whereas, like you know I'll, follow rules as long as the rules makes sense to me. Yes, the area that it that life it in a nutshell: ok, you gotta jaywalk, but you know a petition to the cars as it. If it doesn't furthered the value of vehicular safety, then why would I not right said? Then there are obliged yours obliges readily meet our expectations, but they struggled to meet our expectations, and I got my first insight into this when a friend said to me: I don't understand it when I was in high school those on the track team and I never miss track practice. So why can't I go running now? Well, when she had a team in a coach waiting for her no problem. You know to work deadline, no problem, but when she was trying to have expectations for herself, she struggled and you, as noted holder, could not relates that yet
right. I'm in a bolder oblige, but it's interesting oblige her is the largest tendency is the one that the most number of people belong to for both men and women, that the biggest in Euro Tenancy questioner is second largest. The smallest tendency is the rebel tendency and rebels resist all expectations. The outer and inner like they want to do what they want to do in their own way in their own time. If you ask her, tell them to do something there very likely to resist typically, they don't even want to tell themselves what to do like they wouldn't say like I'm and sign up for a ten. I am spin class on saturdays because I don't know what I'm gonna do on Saturday morning and just affected somebody's expecting me to show pretending am annoys me so that so that the rebel- and that is the smallest tendency- that's the one. The fewest people belong to its a conspicuous tendency, but it's a small Tennessee my tenancy bipolar, tenancy only slightly larger. Those are the two kind of extreme personality times their small it most were either by yours are questioners here. What are some enough
misty ball. I kind of well well known personality. Is that you think fit into these four categories? Will I think by four? I think them the clearest and most famous upholder now in the world is Hermione grained. Here Yes, yes, a textbook, but somebody you, you may not think of his being able to rethink its Taylor. Swift seems to Africa a fully meet expectations were the outer and inner without any kind of rebellion or any kind of, but she plays a card of the rebel sometime, see tat, but I mean it but part of the problem. One of the things that the tendencies it is. You can't look from the outside known, summons, Tennessee. You have to know how they think, because the same thing could look for the outside. He could look the same, but it could be reflecting a different viewpoint or you can have a person whose very famous- and so they have a very highly controlled public per cent of the doesn't really reflect
their inner nature, but having read a lot of interviews and a lot of it, you know a lot about Taylor, Swift. I feel pretty confident that she's in a polar request ere. I think- and is this to be a huge amount of research, because it again it was like hard to tell like warblers you thinking, I think stage, It is a very famous questioner. I wonder for like time if you was a rebel, but I think he's actually really questioner interesting in fiction, Jane Eyre. As the questioner and literally on the first page of the novel, I mean paragraph three, her aunt says Jane. I hate questioner and are on the first phase with God together the famous obliges now here's one words very clear because he wrote this strangely thoughtful perceptive memories, Andre Agatha, if you read his excellent memoir open, but it's all about yeah he's a faint. You know one unless famous tennis players, clear he's just like absolute the textbook oblige her eye tony coach him did. You know that I have
Yeah he's like us for a while, yet in obliges work very well with coaches, yet so they can imagine if they need that after a kind of early and if you think of ethics, for example, if you know the movie the Christmas classic, it's a wonderful life, George Bailey yeah, the moon is basically about being obliged to completely and then for rebels. Donald Trump is clearly a rebel, and every is supporters in his critics alike. Will often comment on that bank, like he won't do. If you tell him to do something, you won't do it right, does this. Does this very clear unit? Picasso is another famous rebel, so there are some of the famous letter less like I say you can always tell biggest. Let's Amity turn have to student who are refusing to do their homework. One can be a question or child his thinking. I'm not gonna write this but report. This is stupid waste. My time like, why would you like white? Why would I do that and the other child thinking you're, not the boss to me. You can't tell me what to do because it's a rebel child, so in the way- and if I was going to try to convince that child, what would make sense
to do their homework. I would speak to them in very different ways, depending on what their tendency is he up. Yet, how do you deal with these efforts? Tendencies cause he in the work you do. You have any idea how whole sections like how to deal with a rebel? How to communicate with oblige her. What are some tips that you have for people who are either have you know a child or your relationship with someone who's a tendency that they may that Israel is another tendency, but as something that's wildly different from their own so for example, how would you communicate? Well, what would you say Donald Trump that's a loaded question on it. If you want it, if you want, Do you want to communicate effectively with rebels? You always need to remember that the rubble tendency is one that comes from a place of one always wanting choice and freedom and to express their authentic self. So I wanted shoes. I want to do what I want. I want to be, who I am I want to put that out into the world. So one of the things you can do is, you can remember,
and a rebel of their identity? So you could see you so you know something's come hard rebels, they don't like often I dont like doing kind of repetitive tasks, or they don't like having everything unfold in a very planned way, like for me, as an upholder of the idea that everyday would unfold in exactly the same way is tremendously appealing sure not a day over rabble, but you could say a rebel you. Be a reliable, consistent parent, and so you can show up at a certain time are like you want to be the kind of president who unites the american people. So what can you do so you that's the person you
to be so you can do the things that would allow you to express identity, rarely other than that sort of more concrete is or like. If you added somebody who you wanted to motivate at work or like to practise piano, but with the Chinese like you're, a top performer, you know you're somebody who's, a leader, you or you know you love to perform. You love to show people what you can do and say. Yes, I am a performer on. What is a performer. Do performer has to do all the things that a person does if they want to be a top performer. That's what I choose. That's what I want that, so I wanna be yet, but you can also use information consequences too. This is when you give them the rebel the information they need. You tell them the content It is of their action. Are there in actions and then you let them choose what to do so. Let's say you have less of a coworker whose refusing to come to a weekly meeting and its causing all kinds of bottlenecks and problems, and you keep telling this guy hey. You got a kind of the meaning and ease dislike, yeah sure I'll come and they never comes. So what you could do is give them information consequences choice. You could say, hey you,
What would you do? We have this tenaya meeting every Wednesday and you know what we do at the meeting. We divide up the work for the next couple of months and, of course, if you're at the media, like those of the people to take all the most interesting jobs and the most interesting project, and then they leave the drugs and the boring so for everybody is not at the meaning, so they meetings in that. I am aware that you just let the person to cite, but you can't save them or insulate them or protect them from the negative consequences of their action. You have to allow negative consequences to fall and that can be painful incentives. That means negative consequences. File on new to or somebody else is important to you, and also its like one of the things remember is, do not remind
or prompt or nudge the rebel, because every time you say, hey wooden today be a great deal to do likewise. The you're gonna ignited them this spirit of resistance, the even if I was to go to that right now. Now that you're telling me to do it now unit of us me, I'm not gonna, do it. You can actually, whenever people say to me like. Oh, this rebel had a task in their refusing to do it, even though I am giving them all these awful reminders, unlike your helpful reminders or what's getting in the way here, if you would just back up and down and be quiet, maybe that probably decide to do that task or that have it on their own? It's something like you need to follow doctor's orders. Really, I don't because you're, not the boss of me. I don't have to do what you tell me to yeah. What about what about questioners whats, the best way to communicate with them? Imagine there some overlap with the rebels where they need a lot of information rights. These programmes are really need. Information is often only say they know, they need to know what the consequences are Vienna, but bird westerners. It's really like what is your justify case?
and so, if you're driving me I'm supposed to take ten thousand steps in a day it flag or like maybe summit, that, like the doctors as you need to walk a mile every morning, it's like bill. Why am I why, in the morning, why walking, Why can't I looked I exasperatingly, I mean it's not like you got explain why, and I mean maybe you feel this is a question about the worst thing that a question I can say that some things arbitrary, they hate anything arbitrary, five governments to address the room. Why does that make the oasis law? This is mine. Blowing Lee Offensive that its five I'm not taking up anybody time. There's no lie like I'm, not gonna shovel.
Like white. But you know he asked you needle these prep represent a justification and like- and this is really important like at school or in a workplace because questioners they eat the fact that this is what corporate says. This is what all six graters do, or this is the way we ve always done it. This is not persuasive questioners and they often then won't cooperate, whereas if you give them the robust justifications that they need, then don't get with the programme. So you really need to say. Let me explain to you why we ve decided that we're going to switch to this new software program, because we really think it's the right decision, and I want to make sure you understand why we think so, because otherwise I've heard from question after question there like. Why just don't do it like I just you know I just quietly refused to do whatever they say. If I don't this and why this is a huge issue with medical advice. If you're telling me to take this with, you now take this at night, but it makes more sense for me to do in the morning so like I'm just gonna, do it my way to you need to be very specific. What is your reason? What are your justification?
I like the example you gave your husband or your text him like hey. Can you pick up some turkey at the store, If you just had sent him now, there's chazy my just not do it. If you say, however, PIG now takes out is our neighbour that it would happen Well, then, you say: can you pick up some turkey at the store? You know we have to make extra lunches, because our daughter has a field trip he's like just tack on that extra reason and then you'll get what you need well and what I don't. You have this, but many questioners don't like to be quest, which is very ironic and annoying to others, but I thought well, what's it by does ask him a question, but I inlet thereby explain why, like a basic, what time are we leaving? He will not tell me. I know makes and selling a big jerk this, but this is like a questioner thing. They don't answer questions the device atm, which m are we leaving, because I'm wondering if I have enough time you gotta be Jem, then he'll tell me this is like yeah. I see while asking yes yeah now that resonates perfectly, so is there
as Europe holder and he's a crusher and in about you also talk about bearings so that once a go together and I love to hear limit more about oblige errors and serve the vespuccia, Kate with them, but also since obliges are such a large part of the population what are some ways tat we can t make a family with it obliges and who also to oblige us who do they pair best worth like what environments where they today are. They you most successful in and what kinds of people should they be around while you're exactly right? It's important understandable, Anders cause you either.
Are in obliging. You have many obliges in your life good at it. They are the biggest tendency, they're they're they're all around us, and the most important thing to remember obliges is that for obliges, their frustration comes from the fact that they see that their meeting at our expectations, but then there not meeting their expectations for themselves, and this is obviously very frustrating. You know it so the key thing and I think, of everything in the poor tendencies book. This is the idea that has made the biggest difference for the most people is that if you are in obliging near struggling to meet interacts with patience, which you are because that's the definition of an oblige her
The answer this solution is so simple, and that is to give yourself out or accountability to meet an inner expectation. You must create a structure of our can ability. You want to read more enjoyable group. You want to exercise more, go with a friend, he's gonna be annoyed if you don't show up or work out with a trainer or take a class where they take attendants and like this idea of a coach when you're talking about tiny, Robinson, Andrea Argosy Debt, if you can, if you're trying to do so, let's say you're trying to start aside hustle on your own, you might need to work with a coach on that or you might to figure out a way to get a client or customer or of a student even before you're really ready, because you need that accountability coming to you from the outset in in order to meet an inner expectation, and so whenever, and so, if your deal,
with the new and oblige you always want to make sure that they get it. So, for instance, let's say you have you got an adult child who needs to take the jury that they graduate school admissions test. You wouldn't say to them: oh, you can just take up just by a book and study on your out. No because it and obliging needs accountability. They probably need to take a class where they're gonna have to show up and they're gonna have assignments every night, they're gonna have that feeling of accountants. Make it a lot easier for them. So that is the key thing to remember about a blighters air. Is there any danger, though, of some obliges having not allude to say lack of awareness, but just feeling like it's like you didn't do they may be have too much pride to set up an accountable system like. Are there some people that are in denial that are like? Well, maybe running body, but actually really down, and then they just self sabotage will see this as a beer. That's an excellent point. You put your finger on something that many a blazers rates. They often seem to feel like it's a sign of
weakness? Yes, that's what I mean is outer account and they will sort of selling what I dont want to be. Later. I want to be an upholder, or I wish I were a question or because I don't I don't like the idea that I need at or accountability. Why do I need it when other people donated to me, unlike who cares like there's nothing wrong with you, there's tons of evil or exactly like you? This is extreme. We commoner world people need our accountability, is extremely simple to plug it, and there are literally thousands of women one of my favorite things in the book, seeing all the imaginative ingenious ways that obliges give themselves out, our accountability is obliged sometimes banal and the fact that they need our accountability to meet their inner expectations. But to me you know, I was think you know, there's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot of people were exactly like you. This is a very common tendency. It's very easy to figure out how to plug in our accountability. Once you realize it, that's what you need. So I think it's
wishing that you were different or trying to change honey, you're innermost being just figure out how to solve the particular you by voting by giving yourself the utter accountability that you need to me. There's something there's something wrong with needing outer accountability. A lot of you I'll need it. So if you are in a relationship or if you have a lot of obliges on your team at work, some of the best ways to help them succeed or to communicate with them or one is to create that our accountability. So you don't want to. Things like hey when you have a when you have a little bit of extra time with you run these numbers for me, because that sort of like to open ended, that's not helpful for obliges, but one of the most important things for people who are working with the voyagers dealing with them in any walk of life is remember the phenomenon of obliging rebellion. This is this is a phenomenon where even obliges feels exploited
or taken advantage or neglected or ignored or like expectations have just become unbearably heavy. They they wore snap and there I've been doing doing doing doing doing this, but all of a sudden. Now I refuse- and sometimes at small and symbolic, and sometimes it's huge and destructive, so it could mean getting a divorce ending a twenty year, friendship walking out of a job and going to the competitor, because I'm thinking I'm sick of you, people, I've had it. I'm done with you, there's nothing. There's nothing you can say or do to fix this I'm walking out, and so what you need to do. Your round of others is see is like Virgil. If you aren't oblige her watch out for this feelings of deep resentment and burn out that can lead to major rebellion, but also your managing people look around and see if things are fair like is it that one person is picking
all the unpleasant work travel and nobody else is really doing much at all or is one or two people are one or two people picking up all the extra shifts and other people are really helping out, whereas one person on seventeen and everybody else is unlike two or three teams that like what's going on, there is somebody, is their seventies hasn't taken a vacation in a really long time? I think all of us need to watch out for blighters, because here's the thing of ledgers feel like their taken advantage of by others, and they are of elders, questioners unravels. We all take advantage of obliges because they're, the ones who are the most likely to help us out, which is whether they rate. That's. Why they're the rock of the world, but they do like people, do take advantage of that, and so am I think, it's it, It's the, whose all of us to be on the lookout for that and to try to make sure that oblige a rebellion doesn't set in the eye
One thing that obliges all of them are very proud of the fact that they are deeply considerate of other people and that they really pay attention to what other people say. And feel, and for someone who is the opposite of that, it can come across as like almost like a selfish, unselfish thing right so view the black who are very considerate. I could imagine they look at you know some of the other tendencies. These interests and others have selfish like how could they now understand how I feel: how could they not be considerate of other people's needs, and I could see that sort of boiling, especially in a relationship or in like a close connection at work. You know peers were concerned by side. I could see how that could be extremely volatile. Will wondering just took just to tweak something that you said. This is a common. This concept
in about a blazers is thinking that they do it out of consideration or the major because they put others verse and themselves last because their people pleases near here curmudgeon Lee oblige yours who will we do what they're gonna get in trouble from for an actual per so. What is key is that it's an outer expectation now sometimes obliges our very considerate, and that kind of is the is the way that it looks. But that's not necessarily true answer Oh it's it's really about meeting out or not enter expectations that, and this leads oblige us to make an important mistake, because if you're in obliging you say, I put other people first and I put myself last that suggests that if others demands went away then I would meet my demands for myself. If I quit my demanding job and I would meet my bucket list if I took early retirement than I would have time for all the things that I want,
do that I'm not doing the debtors, that's not what happens. Just getting rid of outer expectations doesn't mean that in our expectations will be met in others know if there's no structure about our accountability, that goes with it and that's very important to recognise and so, and then in. This is a thing, but the poor tendencies, son as people are like well, You know, rebels are creative or their narcissistic or you know we're, like all questioners, are super smart and intellectual. It's like now. You could line of fifty questioners and, depending on how ambitious they are, how considered of other people's feelings. They are, how intellectual they are, how adventures they are extroverted are interpreted there. They look totally different from each other, but as to how they respond expectations. They would be the same soon obliges it obliges, can be If we can sort of other people and really really wanna, please other people are you can get an advisory really doesn't care. What other people think they just don't want to get into trouble?
really care about. Other people's feelings are what's convenient. Brother pupils are only doing the minimum that they have to do, but the question is: what are they respond to? They respond to our expectations, but they resist any expectations. That sort of the only thing that you know the tendencies: gotta, ok, that's much more clear, so eagerly mission. That is easy to make assumptions right from the outside that you don't it considering. What about upholders because it's on the outside upholders. I mean some of the summer when I was you know. Reading about as like, like come to of is very kind of uptight can seem sort of humor unless you know to me, and even so. These are not necessarily positive attributes when seen from the outside, but there's all sorts of positive ones. The very reliable, very conscientious, very thorough right. What are some
of the their truisms, really about upholders that that you might not see from the outside whether thing about upholders is a big day. They just are much more connected to both outer and inner expectations, and so this is a very important country safeguard for them. So upholders are good at, like you know some people they won't upholders, would feel the weight of expectations, the most but really they have enough expectations to help them so it sort of like we know what you really want me to stay in work, but I need to go home and exercise. Cuz, that's really important to me or you know, I've been. I need- and I feel myself burning out so I'm going to take three hours this weekend and read on the couch, because I need to do that for myself. I'm going to take time to my friend. So once a month, I'm going to go to my book club and nothing is going to interfere with that. So they do have this preservative in that way and in you know that they would have holders. Is they just relax and so I think in a way they are the ones that they can cause from ITALY
east, annoyance or difficulty with the people around them, but you're right. They can't seem rigid and called rigid, because they're like what I want to meet my expectations come what may be called because innocent arms there like well, you know: hey we have a reports do tomorrow, and you would like for me to proofreading report, but I gotTA
We can my own reports. I really don't have time to help you out. I'm sorry to Nepal. There that's a perfectly legitimate thing to say shore the two other tendencies. In my view, it will cost can't you just slightly you now taken, but if your time and you're exactly right print oblige her obliges your meeting these outer expectations, they really are puzzled by the other tendencies willingness to for their eat for their own reasons, to ignore our expectations, upholders because their listening to their inner expectation questioners, because if it doesn't make sense, a questionnaire fills no obligation to uphold it and rebels goes rebels are doing what they want to do and oblige yours are like will. Why does everybody else they like? They can do what they can to see their dirty dishes and the thing out yet office like why, why why do they feel like that's acceptable but unipolar to a questionnaire to rubble? There might be very good justification for that. Yet, and I love you too, as I look at it simple you use. The kitchen sink has really there's four different signs that all appeal to each like the rubble. One, for instance, was like you know if you stop, leaving your dirty dishes and sank, like you, won't see
any more of these sites has other thank you have, but it's true every office has that you know it's like different ways to to appeal to you know people sensibilities question about the older. So it sounds like with the best way to nurture and how to get the most mound of happiness and successful from an holders makes her there an environment where their inner expectations are in alignment with the otter expectations, because I could see as someone who has an inner expectations if there are no workplace that is not matching up with their idea of what's best that they would be in constant conflict. Then you haven't, you know, I think, that's true all the tendencies, and I think that you are putting your finger on something really really important, which is that its very no matter what your tenancy, it's very important, to articulate your and our expectations, because sometimes, though, the noise of outer expectations for all the tendencies is so loud,
it's hard to ignore, but we always need to be changed into label. What do I really want to hear now? Maybe you're going to need out of accountability to get it? I mean you're going to need a lot of justification again. It may be going to really need to tap in your your desire for choice and freedom, but for all of us it's like what is it that You watch and I think we ve all been in frustrating situation where leg We don't really know what we want or are we want multiple things and we haven't really thought it through and then that you can kind of feel yourself stalling out or you're getting burned out, because you don't know what, what I mean, I want a law school for all the reasons I did this in I didn't have. I had an articulated my inner expectations and my utter it was six. What could be more straightforward than our study, for they all sat I'll. Take the else at all. Go to law school. All do law school, you know is very straightforward. It took me a long time to hear that in her voice here, what's nice, though, as it sounds like once you her that Airbus can you chose a new direction? You just went for it, you don't stop and think like endow.
Is this really best for my family? What about my feet? You know you just do it more? That's what being an upholders is, is good is beginning I didn't need anybody else's support really were accountability. I mean I needed their mental their emotional support, but I generally thought like people are like well, how did you get yourself to run a proposal? your own and unlike that's, not hard for me We want a general proposal. I can do that that yeah, that's were being an upholders, comes in handy procedures and make coming back to the thing about the pears. Because I can't really interesting question shore and most obvious and stable pattern most striking pattern. Is it if you have a rebel who is paired up either in romance or at work? Let's say of a founding team almost always rubble is paramount, but then obliged not inevitably, but almost always, that is of all the Paris things done, one that you see the most off
that's interesting. Is it a successful pairing I mean? Are both the rebel and the oblige? Her satisfied ya know in that there is a deep affinity there between a blades and rebels, but like with all relationships, it really depends on. Do both people feel like they're, getting a good deal. I have to say in upholders and as I hear obliges and rebels described the relationship. And I'm I'm sort of like that, would not work for me. Thirty works for somebody else than he has a yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, so Like an upholder, you- and you know, you wrote a book about this- called better than before, about breaking bad habits and creating new, healthy habits. And it's like an upholder that something that you know your tenancy. You know the best way to go about doing not what we're talkin earlier with obliges. It sounds like for them habit creating healthy
it is really about accountability. What are some of the ways that we, knowing each of you, know who we are and each of these four tendencies? How can we create both? You know simple habits and complex habits that are going to get for us, A lot is so in better than before. I described the twenty one strategies that you can use to make or break your habits and and there's twenty one, which is good. It is good that there is a lot to get some work very well for some people and some to work very well for others, like you mentioned, accountability, that's crucial for obliges, but it can also be often be counter productive, four rebels like the act of gene so and then and then some of the tenant? Some other strategies are only available to us as certain times of our lives. We can't use them all the time we have to. We can only use them sometimes, and some strategies work for people, no matter what their tendency, for instance, lights.
For a powerful, twin strategies of convenience and inconvenience, no matter who you are some things easy to do your more likely to do it is annexing convenient to do your less likely to do it. We can all tap into that. Another strategy that works for everybody is the strategy of other people were all influenced by the people who are around us, we're trade. So it's like. If you have people around, you have really healthy habits. You're, just gonna naturally pick those, no matter what your tenancy or like something like the strategy of safeguards, which is anticipating challenges and thinking through high you're going to respond Bob. I gotta this holiday party. What am I going to eat? What am I going to drink? How am I not going to stand next to the desert, but they all that, but there are strategies that work particularly well depending on tendency, so you named the most important one already, which is that obliges need our economy
that is just crucial for them. So that's key for questioners, and maybe this resonates with you as a questioner, its clarity, it's like. Why am I doing this and often with questionnaires, are like well, I want to eat more healthfully, but I can't stick to this diet or you know. Why is it that I don't take this blood pressure medication, even though I know I'm supposed to unlike, but do you really think you're supposed to Will I can read George, you really trust that that doctors judgment do you really believe in the research that you read like get clear on exactly what you're expecting from yourself and why and almost always with questioners when they had that clarity of- why am I doing this than their actions will follow its when if they are not doing it, it's kind of like I'm, not really that convinced he will keep telling exposed to it. Some sort of saying that I'm gonna try that, really believe it incite yet get clear on that. That's interesting! That's kind of the foundation of Tony's approach to productivity. It's just get clear on your purpose
so understand what you're end goal is, and then the recent riots or the right, and they are doing something. So you have a compelling reason that everything else will follow so you'll be able, take action wholeheartedly, because you are extremely clear, and you also have resolve re, because you're you're so focused on the end goal, but I'll be. I would say that them probably wouldn't work that way four obliges and rebels the razor. What every Sunday ball yeah yeah? It's not that it's not good advice, but it's just like. Is it going to actually get them to change or to do Adam thing yet death, while speaking of sir Productivity and to do less things a nasal, a big pain point, especially for people, have had our starting a certain new year. There are thinking about you now how can a deeper productive and one of the things we always talk about it, you know scheduling. So this is the sum of the habits of the pillars of habits. Habit about with monitoring and scheduling like these are things that now with today right technology. We
the ability to schedule monitor pretty much anything. We want to use it, but these are powerful tools for all, for the tendencies are which ones do you think would respond to these more and in foresight in some cases, where is it actually to be element? More damaging or not helpful, because any theirs is such a thing as like overload rate of of you, know organization so yeah we're headed out of those come into play? Yet we know so your exact. We write, monitoring and scheduling are very, very powerful strategies, but you're a also exactly right that they come with a couple caviars depending on the tendency. So scheduling is something that works very well, except for rebels who tend to hate to be scheduled here. Some rebels can do and their own rub away. But if you find yourself like, I really
I do it and I keep signing up for something and not going if you feel that spirit of resistance in you back off into Sedley Kate. This isn't working for me. So, like let's say you wanna go to go to the? U and exercise regularly and try, and instead of trying to force yourself to get to a specific exercise class, you might do something like I'm doing a big deal that has tons of options and I'm gonna go every day, but I want to do it every feel like or I'm get the schedule for classes all over town in everyday is gonna, get my car and see what I'm intimate today like swimming could actually doing yoga. I know what you're going to stay outside in order that this new music, while Germany go run outside. I want to feel the son of my face of analysing the music on my ear buds and that's why I feel it doing that's what I want to do right now, like dont scheduled, do when you feel like it shoes. What you want now monitoring is something that tends to work for everyone and some rebels like to monitor they find it fun. A lot of people find it fun. Question is kind of really love. Laundry cuz of information and that nation, and then they love to customize like well. I see that I go to
you know I get sleep seven and a half hours. If I get in Vienna, they like having that kind of laundering, but here's the thing about upholders back to your thing, about upholders, being kind of rigid upholders can have this thing. Tightening and tightening is when an upholders when the rules get tighter and tighter on rebels until they can almost be choking. So, like I have learned upholder friend, who had a fit bit and was monitoring his steps, unease that, like literally it was midnight- and I was jogging in place in the bathroom all my wife- is asleep in the next room, because I had to get to ten thousand stops for the day, and it's like you know at a certain point like you might think: that's a fine and like ok embrace it, but you might be like ok, I'm the I'm experiencing tightening I wanted. I want to use my inner expectation and loosened it up a little bit. This is something they for me. I'm one of these crazy, low carb people that you read about, like I accept for like nuts, I invention
I almost curbs has arisen, but let us keep it, I'm very, very, very strict- and I like that, but for somebody else they might say like this is too strict. You need to like, as an upholder find a way to loosen up a little, yeah? It's interesting! You talk also about how there are people who moderators and abstainers, and a lot of us think we are moderators that we can have things in small amounts and so for diet is a great example right, but when really comes down to it, a lot of us or abstained. It's easier just I have something- and I have just a little bit because and you are just removing it completely from even your your thoughts- and that is something I also wanted to. You know, ask you: is how do we create these habits where we don't have to think about them anymore, because we only have a certain amount of brain power right and one of the foundations of,
have they habits is to not have to think about that and you don't need to user willpower because it doesn't even cross your mind. So how do you get to that point? Malta, I mean that's what the whole better than before, because about because area that we write. The point of habits is that they put behaviour on autopilot, so it doesn't make any willpower doesn't take any decision making energy from you. You don't have to spend any time. Just like you don't like you dont debate with you too. Should I brush my teeth today? I don't know I've been so good. I think I need a day for me so good starting tomorrow. I think today, on a day loud life's too short to waste time, brushing your teeth. Well, if you're here, that's how you think, Bud or brought our
nor do in your seat, but you just do it area, and so that's that that is the goal with habits is to take something it put it onto autopilot surnames. Do you don't exhaust yourself debating whether or not to do something you just you just execute, but the? But the fact is a lot of times people are trying to settle. This is the right way to form a habit or there's one best way to form a habit, and the fact is, there is no magic one size fits all solution it all this depends on what kind of person you are, so I've been abstain or and an upholders of certain things are going to work for me, but your questioner, and maybe a year, maybe maybe you can be in, are we a night person in a morning person a finnish earn and opener simplicity, lover or in abundance lover? All these things come into play. Into what would work best for you, because there is no sort of simple answer because their servants variation within People- and that's I mean that's really. I think what comes down to is Russia has an enormous amount of work, all about understanding yourself.
And then being able to customize your lifestyle in a way that things are easy, same struggle, or I really exist, we're being our heading as to what we say, we're doing the same thing over and over again and that scene override the definition of insanity. Do I expect different results, so I really encourage all of you guys, I loved better than before the four tendencies these or grey aggression also has a plethora of other box. All understanding who you are and how you can fly that tier daily life too near make things easier, liver, you're, better lifestyle she lost and I also have a pie cast happier with Gregson Reuben was so yeah flew like to get their information through Pike Ass, my I do with my son you're his my co host and we talk every week about how to be happier healthier, more productive, more creative, wonderfully up so find that on Itunes teacher wherever you guys get your podcast, so take a lesson in crushing thanks so much for being on the package today, there was so much money to talk to you thanks
having made same here rights the turning of its past, his directed and hosted by Tony Robins in New York, is our editorial director. An occasional host our executive producer is carry some Jimmy. Carve a home and Adrian Dilatory are a digital editors, special thanks to marry bucket and Diana cock for their creative review
Transcript generated on 2020-04-04.