« The Tony Robbins Podcast

Why do people cheat? | Relationship expert Esther Perel talks to Tony about infidelity, intimacy and the danger of expectations

2017-10-10 | 🔗

Why do people cheat? Even those in happy marriages? And what can affairs help us understand about intimacy?

We tend to think that the act of infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. We judge those who commit transgressions. We shroud them in shame. We dismiss them, label them, categorize them as “cheaters.” And largely, we do so, without a complete understanding of infidelity.

In this episode of the podcast, Tony sits down with world-renowned couples therapist and relationship expert, Esther Perel, to discuss what makes relationships work, what makes them fall apart - and what we aren’t understanding about infidelity.

Esther is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and provocative voices on personal and professional relationships. A celebrated couples therapist who has helmed a private practice in New York City since 1983, she has over three decades experience navigating the intricacies of love and desire. Her international bestseller Mating in Captivity has been translated into twenty-six languages. Perel is a dynamic and provocative speaker on the international stage, with two critically praised TED talks that have reached over 17 million viewers. She has consulted on the Golden Globe-winning Showtime series The Affair and is also Executive Producer and host of the Audible Original Series “Where Should We Begin?”, in which she broadcasts intimate one-off counseling sessions with real-life couples. Perel has been featured in publications across five continents, including the New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Le Monde, The Guardian, The New Yorker, and Vogue. She is also a frequent guest on radio and television shows, including NPR’s Brian Lehrer Show, Oprah, The Today Show, Dr. Oz, and The Colbert Report.

Over the past ten years, Esther has traveled the world, working closely with hundreds of couples who are struggling to cope with infidelity. She has seen the devastation such betrayal can cause. And she drew upon these experiences, her research and her expertise to write her latest book: The State of Affairs, where she reveals why even happy people cheat and why we shame those who stay with partners who have been unfaithful.


In this episode, Esther and Tony invite the audience into an honest, enlightened exploration of modern marriage. What you learn may surprise you, as they challenge assumptions, uproot conventional wisdom, and offer a nuanced look at affairs from multiple viewpoints. Even if you have never experienced infidelity in a relationship, odds are you know someone who has. This episode will not only allow you to approach the subject of betrayal with much more empathy and understanding, it will give you a deeper look at our basic human needs, and why we do the things we do when it comes to intimate relationships.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
What is the key to passion? Why do we feel that magnetic pole, that overwhelming draw to another person have one word for you polarity as Tony says things in common make a relationship work, but it's the differences that sparked the passion and those differences are all about our core energies see? We are both masculine and feminine energy, and your leading energy reflects your inner nature and values office on gender women can have. Moscow. Encouragement can have eminent course, but the more opposed, The sexual energies are between two people and a relationship. The stronger that attraction will be some many of us they'll lose that passion over time when feminine entered she is put masculine mask. Are women Sk energies where feminine mask that's why only with night tat spark again and your relationship absolutely key for both you and your partner to cultivate your core energy. Or if your single and you want to attract some one of the opposite energy. You must learn embrace your feminine or masculine core to learn
about the keys to clarity and to discover if Europe masculine her feminine in your own core, take our five minute quince, go to Tony robins dot com, slash polarity, that's p, o Oh a r! I see why and take that today. The guy, is welcome, but totally Robins podcast, for some of you been falling along its welcome back and we're glad you back in and downloaded this episode and for those who just coming across, maybe for the first time a very warm I'll come and we hope you enjoy this first experience, I'm! U with Mary, my closed and we have a very special today. This experience It can be very different if you following the cast. You know that we ve been dealing with paint, performers and business and in life you may be thinking Morgan Interview, somebody like soothingly again, whose greatest try apples? literally did not swim when she started or
leadership with forced our general the crystal about? What does it take to really need people in the most difficult situations or the topsy like to give you cook under European Bee and took it from nothing more than between the organisation, all of the strategies and tactics that we planet out of our guests here are designed to help you make your business, but also expand your life, but are things that I found is that people spend so much time on their business to business is part of their identity? Major part of their own business oftentimes been people's than war I'm in their business but their children. We spend more time the business, then what love of their life, and so we try to help people met. Area, but today I want to behind the wheel of life and really talk about a subject that, I think is the most of all and that is relationship. I really do If you're not happy in your intimate relationship, you're, not gonna, they happen. Buddy under deathbed, as we all know, says Gaza, which is more time for the office, but a few
is that we have about a Leathern. Our relations lack thereof really affects us, and so there is an extraordinary guess. We have today a dear friend and actually, we ve talked together about what has it been Esther forty years, thirteen lose exactly that's amazing all over the world. We then interventions together and, of course, when talking about is Esther Parada. Who is just, I think, a genius in this area of understanding, deep relationship understand that dynamics between men and women are scanning the sexual dynamic and the desired dynamic and racism she's written several extraordinary books. One is called media in captivity and she males and new book and we're gonna dive into the subjects, because I love going place nobody's going to the places that are taboo, because the places people dont want to talk about us where you can have the greatest breakthroughs so Esther, just one in your new book is called. What is it that the title of affairs? What is the state affairs, the state of affairs. So, let's start with relation to burst,
We dig into affairs and tell me something: why is it today? That's different story we about relationships today, they seem to be more complex. There seems to be more trauma conflict. Is that really true how things really change in a world where people could sleep it's no longer about relationships, acts as a commodity how's the world changed and has not a fact that we do relationship today from what you ve studied. Learning and how many people you got what I want to misquote, but I know you ve been in this business, your entire life and how many couples with overtime credibly. Thousands. Yes, still telephone Here's my practice, but also internationally suddenly with you, you know I turn at the platinum retreats. I think we ve done it about six or seven times together, but united start with the line that I think you and I have said differently, but the very very closely, which is that
the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our relationships. Nobody in reverse, that is to the credit of our relationships that ultimately will determine the quality of our lives, doesn't matter how much you perform and how successful you are. This, This is where the legacy really stands, and why is it more difficult to do? Look. I was thinking this week. Friendship hasn't been changed. At much sibling relationships, haven't really changed at NUTS university, Put your dentist hasn't really changed at matter. If there was a successful relationship that has transformed in a very short amount of time, it's the couple and then do for also the family, but a couple has undergone extreme make over. You know from the fact
dead. Not too long ago, marriage was an economic enterprise that is today a romantic enterprise. Dad people aware particularly Lou engaged about duty and obligation and not around round men. And around self expression or self fulfilment that sexuality was. Only a woman's marital duty and that people experience sexuality primarily for procreation to their sexuality? That is now rooted in desire and in connection and any them, and it therefore, as a matter of free, will to the fact that we are asking one person to give us what once an entire village used to provide, because I want my partner to still give me what traditional marriage gave me a committed relationships, still ok, gay relationships- and I walked commitment- I want economic
Superb companionship, social respectability, children, but I also want you to be, My best friend, I trusted coffee dark, my passionate lover, my intellectual, equal, my best parent to one who inspired me at work, and we have never asked one person to fulfil sermon, moods and often to release from a national people chose dressed? I moved to another enterprise that has only to people that has such a tour operator order for a party of two. Certain business, that's for sure you know said this is due this major changes. If this is before, even technology has entered the bedroom, but is not a single other enterprise that begin
with such an intense dream and can unravel into such a dismal apiece. And then the fact that everybody tat comes to you knows that when they want to build a business, they need to learn a number of things. They need to learn best practices. They need to read about it in you to talk with others, but when it comes to couples, we actually know very little. What goes on in the life of a couple couples are often quite alone. They dont know. If what the experience is normal is a shared is common. It's actually rather shrouded environment, good, people who feel that they have to prove that to do this. Well, in that a perfect, but will that do never to go and say I dont know if I'm doing this right, I need help, whereas in business they can do it. They romantic lives, they dont, so they ve never really studied this. No school for relationship is certainly no school for sexuality and and red people have decided that you're gonna do this once
twenties and it's gonna last for fifty years, with an abiding love and intense passion and and and sun with commitment, and it's not happening generally applicable to a product that fifty percent of the time would you bite but this is not happening to marriage. They tell us. How is social media now affecting their technology affecting at his while to the search for people I met together? It's definitely dip the prime way that people meat is to acting as critics will need primarily online more at this point, I think even then face to face what social media has given us, and particularly water describing culture has given us is a massive amount of
you're, no longer just choose between John and and Philip in the village. You have thousands of people to choose from, and you feel a level of freedom that you never have, but you also have a tyranny of uncertainty and sell doubt that you ve never had how do you know this is the one when you can have nine hundred. Ninety eight others could be just as good, if not better, and so this firmer in which we are continuously wondering. Is this the one and what does it mean the one? Today? It is the one that's gonna make you want to delete your acts, so there is that her peace in terms of the meeting just the way we will meet somebody and then, when people do look together, I think what we every blame. You look the same thing at being disk.
Once technology entered the bedroom, you know it began with the fact that at first it was a tv that it was the first country to multiple set of devices to is a lack of first to face. You know people are discussing in their relationships. Some of the most important issues their lives to text, and then they are concerned that they are that they have misunderstandings. I mean text is not made to discuss if you're gonna marry or divorce or have another child, or talk true to your mother, Asia? I was what somebody has recently at a gentleman's cutting my hair and was a woman beside him, and she was talking about he left a message for a boyfriend saying that they want to wanted to see other people. It was the first in a digital communication, and you couldn't then, why was so upset conversation in person? It's pretty. While what are you think- is the most the biggest mistake. The couples make today new environment where they expect everything and they expect their partner to be everything.
And then often find themselves disappointed by creating an impossible task that they couldn't even meet for their own part. Look in acting that one of the strange things in our western culture dispelled is that romantic love has supplanted religion as the area where men and women seek mooning transcendence, her and ecstasy, and so We talk about a soul mate. We seem to have mixed up to speed, she will end of as if they were one and the same, and this kind of perfection learn to experience in our earthly love it used to be set in the divine, not on earth. So this in motion that you are going to make me feel good about myself that I'm going to be happy. When I woke up next to you,
that I bring to my relationships, account of consumer mentality, right where's, my awry. You know where this is not a deal that I signed up for you know, I'm I'm not getting my moods met, it beat it becomes a kind of her work. Tat ran their bad move as a kind of a permanent state of enthusiasm, rather than a verb and of end its boots and its action that you, practice to out your life. You fool, you do mistakes, you betray you drive, you do all kinds of things and then you stand up again and you and you ve continue in that sense of resilience is, is not necessarily How much did I think the big issue for me when I think of Kappas today's reading? You know I've also use that metaphor, because it's so clear to me, so I was wanting to see couples that are not bread and there's another thing to see couples that
life and tat sense of the liveliness of vitality that we yearned for is it's not so is something that people need to cultivate. You know I asked almost a hundred people. Do you A couple that inspires you that you think has a spark now look at what you did. You Mr told about the genuine- and you told me about the triathlete- and you told me about businessperson everybody in this area can instantly name someone that inspires them, that it would like to move on to the table like to learn from? If you ask people of Timor couples that inspired and the vast majority cannot come up with any one may be one at that, that is a set of measures if you confront state of affairs propaganda. Yes, yes, it's like what I need. You meant You know so many musician, so many businesspeople, but when I asked you about the most difficult and the most important thing that you're doing in your life, you telling me that you have models so true, its and inner
People are operating like their relationship as a business like you said there they go in and they are trying to figure out what they can get. And anybody who knows that in business fails in business to the only way succeeded business as you become obsessed with falling in love with your customer with your client, and you don't want to make us out. It's like us to really want to make him a reading van and nothing could be more true in an intimate relationship, but to do that you I constantly looking at what am I here to give. How can I like them up? That's what people do in the beginning of relationships and then some at some point. Seven days, seven months, seven years, seventy years later they walk in there. Constantly focusing on what am I getting or not as opposed to what can get a little out my partner up and that's what made me up. What's mix change in people what suits from wanting to be the giver and poorer
having to someone to sitting round expecting are evaluating what we're not getting so it's too bright, and I think it goes very closely to what you do as well. You know the first thing is: I met you and when, when people tend to admitting the right course they constantly wanting to move the right person, and I also often asking them and who is the person you want to be this most. Let you go to find who the wonder gonna feel Europe demand that's going to quite an order in a rumblings, the one that's going to lift you had suffered rather than what is it that you are going to do it so in the reverse, is true of our work. Couples assume tat pure encroaching coaching is that you basically tell them do you come in here because you know people come to couples therapy generally to TAT you better knows round with a partner and then to say, fix it what happened.
I have never heard the person come took a step would say I can to look at what I do know how MRS Cook, to tell me that they have an expertise and describing the message of the other end of our sister fixing my partner and like you, I see things begin to change when you start to look at yourself what you do, what you take responsibility for, just a minute you start to take responsibility, would experience power and freedom, and so to turn that around is unbelievable. Look difficult. This notion that you are responsible for my happiness. I am miserable because of you and then I need you to change since you change I become more angry and more resentful and then the more resentful I become, the less you changing and intellectual.
Changing the more resentful I become and we are in this look together rather than me basically saying what can I do here to make things better and to direct non contingent? I'm gonna do it because I think it's the right thing to do. For when I round rather than say, I'm gonna sit here passively stew and wait for you to be the one to change to know to do this first step and that piece of work which I, what you do all the time I just stood there. Let's move you again and it's a second you really you it's not just that. You empower you actually ten people, There was power and responsibility. There's no question. Until we responsible you, no power gets responsibility. The ability to respond as long as I'm a victim daring to change things. The biggest challenges our culture and social media has created this mindset of perfection. That
I want to make myself look perfect. I expect my partner to be perfect. It's all about what am I gonna get that when I'm gonna give you have me, I think that's the single biggest mistake, but I also think people are I feel very often because there's conditioning comes from the culture can do. Comes from your family, whether things you said the very first time we ever talked together? I was really I wrote down. I've applied it so many times is the understand attachment theory, but the way you delivered is so much more clear the language used initially was tell me how you were left as a child and I'll tell you I love today. Would you help us to understand what are they? relationship types that come from away from our conditioning and also how does our Evidently, roles players, people better raised? A culture, a sage region, a culture? A mom is very clear about the subject. Somebody Maybe what was your family life like?
that's for sure austerity. You know the first time ever. Do teach this goes hand in hand with what twenty teaches you mention. The documentary people see that notion that everything hinges on four tone, which is the truth, will set you free and you gotta get dirt honest with yourself. I feel that in this topic in relationships I'll speak myself, I did absolutely grew up, grow up, ornaments families. That is about silence and secrecy and guilt and shame and there's just no conversation about anything but boyfriends about girlfriends heavens. Now, so to have, and then had this principle of ok model the best who do you go to stay exactly right, there's nothing there. So that condition to speak more today there is on how to
Emily Sheep buses are so it's interesting how to break out of air conditioning. If one is going to stack twenty questions, I was trying to think of me. I'm gonna despite first listen, don't allow me. There's some action wherever it takes you to do so, because I was doing the rooks affected this year and I got everybody up and I basically said today, in a kind of associate ground which, if suddenly do well when we work with people TAT s it relationships were central in your family life going up, go to the left and if there were peripheral, go to the right of course I don't know what they mean when they say that, and so I said, look I'm gonna ask you a series of questions were raised. Autonomy or where you familial tea you too, you should
count on yourself. You should rely on you. If you have an issue, you know what is it that you can do a re you raised on who can help you? Who can you ask where you told you know them How you could speak state, your need say what it is. You want use your words or, where you told you to actually intuit what other people want from you, and that is a very different system that you know where you re indulged in terms of being marrow and ethics and having legacy to which the people, as you know, the race to kind of do what's right for you, you know in the states people often say you should do what's right, for you should do what you want. You should do what makes you happy most if the world that statement exists without consequences of how it will affect those that you love your part of a larger embedded coming. Mickey- and so you don't do what you want, you do, what you can provide a tablet will affect the others
and we went on and on like this, and I said: where did you learn to love and how? Until when you grew up. Did you feel that people were protecting you? Did you feel that you had to flee for protection, and wisdom. Will you and now to thrive in your family were allowed to cry? out loud. Will you allow to laugh out loud many times? You can laugh I'd, love, but good, submit your cravat cry out loud right and wells. Were people attentive to your needs, or did you have to go and take care of them because you were the parental fight child and where you touched, where you rocked, where he sued, where you beaten, where your invaded, where you live, later. What was the relationship to the boundaries in your family and reviewed child only allowed to be seen and not to be heard or what was the place of the child in the family?
and sexuality in your family. What was that, like yeah sort of herself and people say it was suitable, not central? It was not sent until you start to say, tell me something if there was vain version or if there was inversion of boundaries digit Silence if there was silence or secrecy, do you take that makes it not present overdoing it makes it actually hugely present, but like an elephant in the room and any Do you think that makes it look prisons, or do you think it's actually makes it usually sent you a letter in Hindi and, of course, is only five people who can tell you that sexuality wasn't central in their family life growing up That is only right that it's like they think it is to do not pursuing my parents being affectionate or talking to us, none of it. So now, I give they had a her vocabulary for thinking about. You know with gender, because that's a piece of the expectations of the time, relationships, sexuality and and
basically the fundamental question I didn't say when you came out of use histories when you came out of your childhood, did you like you were Murray, need for protection for stability for connection for fur. For action is probably the best we did. You feel that you came out morning with a note for space and for freedom and for exploration and for adventure, because have those needs, we moved security and adventure. We all need to be able to explore and will need to be able to experience stability in safety, but out of come out of our histories? de mer, one than the other, and we tend to partner with somebody who Actually is on the other side, so I didn't. You say not just tell me how you were loved and I tell you how you love, but I also so tell me how you were loved and I'll. Tell you how you make love costume emotional history is:
is inside your body, it's inside the physiology of your sexuality. Its experience not, in your heart and in your mind, it's experienced in your skin how you except touch, how you can receive and so The way I begin to work with this is, I came up with seven verbs. You know just as a as a rule to two concretize, this the person who speaks nine languages have often learned a new language by looking at what are the key I need to know first in order to be able to just stand to speak, to bring to bear to have to ask you know so I applied to relationships to ask to take to receive. To share to refuse to imagine and to give in ask yourself imbue relationship life. How comfortable I would asking. Can you ask
you sure, like you know, you should never asked because it makes you too dependent or you should never ask as it makes its subjugated or people want clear about what you ask, because you fool invisible every have. These verbs is like approach into your entire relationship profile. How'd you from about giving do you. Giving you experience Zurbaran, Senor generosity, audio, feel that you give another to recruit yourself of the debt. You do so that you want so that you would feel free to ask her group so that you won't be dependent on others, your download speed to want to pursue that nobody is. He looks so that you never have to rely on anyone in nobody to disappoint you eyes at a bad, receiving Jimmy See when somebody gives you a compliment, you simply so. Thank you that flows really nice. You bid my day or do you start to qualify? It Can you receive how vulnerable do you feel when you receive and you can apply sexually? You can apply it s simply even into personally. How does it for you to share a yoke? Can you
Do you enjoy relying on others and sharing do or do we find that massively threatening scary? You know who's gonna be there for you. You can only rely on yourself and you certainly need to complete all the time and for each one of these verbs. I can come up with twenty questions that please quickly when you don't sit down and you start to write, you merchantship to each of these verbs to each of these relationships stances bread, pretty much a good approach, of yourself and then the next question is rich verbal practice. Now, which is the one that is most in need of massaging, building, muscle, Sharon's bells and make it a focus of something and Do you need to ask from who is the one person that you really should be going to ask from before? We end this training
and who is the person that you should that you or something to that? You really need to go and live without asking for anything in return, and who is the person who has been wanting to give to you who have been closing off to whom you ve been shutting down to what you have just given around two. You know- and I am not- I deserved girls from the map to die then defying of what to the A resource said strength that you need to muscle to them going and actually carrying out and doing it, but you know you have also given a great example, the past of talking about being a child, and, as you start to leave your mother father and to go play outside the different reactions, you could have whether you felt like you had it back immediately whether you're safe to go when I'm really digging. For, as you know, when you look at people's attachments, they play such a role and how they interact and relationships and the more we can understand ourselves and our partner the more we can have compassion, appreciation and love them supposed judgment.
And some people, grow up with a very secure set of attachments, Ninus age group stage, environment, where she could. She was left no matter what some people more insecure attachments given that environment, where you something or not do anything, you can ever had smashed against the wall, I'm so it's a very from the very person he loves? It's very different and somebody between. Can you explain to people could cut up? now look themselves and how that plays a? How they interact relationships with other secure in their original attachment, sir, and secure between him, and also how they could be under, understand and appreciate partner Morn help their partner more because people tend to my experience, find somebody of almost the opposite attachment. Not it's a lot easier. Two people a secure attachment? Let's not forget the avoidance of a United Europe that I just orange me. Yes,
let's talk about those three of the peoples with how we're talking about here? and I saw a member and I remember, meeting such methods. So you know, I'm gonna, give you a tiny but in terms of the attachment maps and then I'm going to do the map said I use just because they are the ones that I wrote personally. So when we talk about attachments, we tend to define them into in true for major categories. There is a secure attachment. There is an ambivalent attachment. There is an insecure attachment and there is an anxious attachment. But what do we talk about I is really what is the relationship very early on in terms of use your ability to be Herbert, rely on some one who pays attention to you?
mood to your distress to your joy, to your expressions and is able to respond to it appropriately will doubt neglect roads. Over emphasis on been sounds without pretending that it is for you, but it's actually for them. You know deputed dare to secure That's what is one in which you have a kind of a fluid relationship between I feel so I can rely on. You I can lean on you and I could leave you and Europe's role part either and I feel very good inaccessible experiencing the anchor and the exploration, the secure bills and discoveries that I do away from me but when we don't have that some of us develop a very insecure sense of attachment that can be very anxious, have constantly checking I'm comes to becoming did you I become to pursue in the relationship to one who always once more on who want
to reassure those who needs to be affirmed, and then you have with harder and harder is often described as the person who will avoid conflict or who will avoid closeness, who is afraid of opinion heard, but who has learned to not come to close so that they won't be disappointed? You see, I think, that what is very important to know is that our attachment style of today is often a defense that was a doctor in the moment that we were experiencing it. If you were beaten and if she experienced violence like I know, you did and you learned to shut down and to guard yourself and to avoid it was adaptive, it wasn't a pro what becomes a problem is a few do disliked around with someone who actually chose for you and loves you and his tender, and you do not responding from the place where you learn Distingue without realize
that you no longer at home with your mother. It's that that is very important to seize that often do the things that we have developed, a defence. Mechanisms are survivors strategies which is a better term, are often we're Mississippi at the time, but we need to do I am now so I began to talk about it when I looked it. Why? understanding desire? Actually, I was less studying attachment, as I was studying desire, but desire, of course, he's very connected to attachment, and I came up with that image from looking at children of the kid. That's it's on your lap and that kid at some point it augurs well in development, needs to get off the lap of the parent because they want to crawl and then run it and work in such a rush to explore to discover to play to be in their own imaginary world, and then they turned back always to look to see if they,
doubt, mommy, daddy, forever, deter galleries is still there looking at them, and if the parent or dear says Cuba. The world is a great place: grow play, could discover I'm here when you done back? We learned to experience security and adventure at the same time, connection and freedom, separateness and togetherness. Whichever way moves will give to this, what we You know you listen used to talk about Herman Travel. Every epic story knows this duality, but the. Comes turns around, and there is no doubt that says: I'm lonely and depressed. My partner has paid any attention to me. What's a good out, there don't. We have everything we need together. You and I, then you have won three main responses in one of the big responses and everyone who has done that knows that is that a nor not to lose you? I would lose a part of me
was the message says: come back without ever having to say this in words, and some of us will come back and we will forego our need for freedom and for exploration and adventure and all of that ignored to secure the base, and I will learn to love in a certain way when I do that, because I will learn that love comes with extra burden, extra weight, extra responsibility, extra anxiety, love, always railways and takes responsibility for the well being of the other. But some of us have a role of loving. That makes us feel that the other person needs us with such intensity that we can no longer down to ourselves when we are there taking care of the other. We lose ourselves when we attend to the other, and that's when I began to see
relationships. You will often find one person who is more afraid you to lose themselves and one person who is more afraid to lose the other. One person more afraid with the fear of abandonment and one person more afraid. We, the fear of being swallowed, the second child by the way doesn't come back right, awake as their zesty to have energy, they want to stir boy playing, but the cursor do become RO, the intimacy, rises, the Monti emotional connection thickens the murder disconnect from there desire desire is not just. This is not in the sexual, since the desire is the free. Will it's the ability to to claim to to attend to oneself to experience a likeness and vitality, which is the opposite of responsibility and worry and anxiety.
Certainly worth taking care of my mother. That was the peace well, for I think I was more getting called back lovingly from me just has over to your relationships, for example, probably in ways, and I still don't even know, but I have to say in Western Europe and listening to not hurt yet you're podcast. Audible in Amazon. Where should we begin and going through with couples? it's just brilliant to be able to witness when I'm not involved in attached and hooked to hear human beings innocently you'd. Do such a beautiful java, saying where we see a couple where you meet them right now, at first glance, there's a lot going on under the surface and doesn't asking those questions that take you back to work most powerful ones for me that you always asks interest. Where did you learn that in that has been so powerful mean to go back and oftentimes ash? I guess it s like
five and we invite so I've had to questions from their that actually tribute to my colleague to meal, which is not just. Where did you learn that who did this to you or who did you see? Do this when I'm dealing with people who were grandiose, wire contemptuous, who put the other way, down, who are dismissive, who really don't respond to the needs of another four crudely? Have no entity corrections do you know you tell something and become back, ended up here because where issues always bigger and more important their complaints procedures. The whole bit, it's you know, are suddenly if their violent in what ever violent waited there. It's who did you do? Who did this to you? Who put you down like this, whose shrunk you like that, and how did you do this?
but then you see the broken truth. Then, where did you learn it because instantly Dick they started regional sector. They remembered that hand presses their heads down and just basically said you are worthless and then they can make other people feel worthless. And by the way, whether doing this at home, they can be utterly charming to their customers right, so I always said to them. You do. Is you treated you probably like a treat your clients? You, marriage would be doing quite well. You know, but your child
in here and you bring the leftovers stared, you know you treat your partner, you know sub par, and it is not ok and two to two to feel like you can just parade like this and generally remedies Braun like that. Nobody was born on the parade. So where did you see this? You know tell me the movie, and now I began to it in various events, details you no way. What What what were the words that were being used? You know what was the words at. If somebody wanted to just stick to you, what was the one thing they had to say? tell me something. You know one of the first things that happen when we started working together as you brought up this amazing dynamic any you talked about a meeting in captivity, which title you talked about, that the distinction of caretaking and what that does to destroy You know sexual desire and drive a little bit about what it is. Why does the more somebody's, the more people love each other but less passionately? Half its
tsar dynamic and we ve seen where no man can address that controls are just addressed. The differences in love and desire ship good back to dynamic that I described right. The kids looks back Adele, cursed them back and they basically say I forgot part of me. I disconnect from my playfulness disconnect from my desire, I disconnect from my exploratory side and I turn in order to come. Take care of you do often people who the murder love somebody the more they struggle to make love to that somebody, because to make love to someone, you have to be able to feel that yesterday can withstand the first of your desire that they can receive you. If you in the most fragile, and you feel like you, have to parent, and you can't have sex with them. If our had stood on
shoulders. We never want sex in the family. The minute you the relationship where one person shows that they are dependent on the other, the mother, the Father, the brother desisted a roommate, there is no sex because we want have sex in the family. They may be a lot of affection to maybe another physical touch But it won't be a robotic in order for it to be erratic. You need to not feel that you are in the Parentals Symone relationship, it's just taboo. That say that this is one of the few universities that boost the second part of this is that Can you ask me for the next Purdue the word that it's the most easy to two hundred and twenty two ADA Street and secretion? I took way back when, when I wrote mating you ask When do you find yourself most drawn to your partner and burdens systematically tell you run a full answers, but the first one is.
Drawn to my father, which is not sms sexually attracted where my problem is the element when they're doing something the passionate about when their industry You on the hearse under motorcycle on the ski slope on stage when they virgin is the word. I know you often use because it means inside their own lights, for inside the passion that they don't need me to ask him sufficient and when they don't need me, it means I don't have to take care of them, and if I don't have to take care of them that it means I can desire them It simply like that. Every will tell you that she knows the difference when her partner, female or male partner wants her or moods her east, no need. So she can be sweet. She can take care, but she would never be turned on if he run
or she ran, sir. She would respond from the place of somebody that is confident desires me. The biggest turn on is confidence worldwide, but no matter how it looks the word behind. It is confidence, and if I have to take care of you, I can't let go it's. You know to play the game you plan to be swear. You fell back and somebody hurts you to have sex is to surrender to serve do you have to feel that you can find on somebody and they will receive you and enjoy it. If you feel like you have they are scared, you at tat threatened or you have to worry about them. You can Let's go, why do guys? It's Jordan couples? was tat. You nothing turns me on more than to see her turned on, because she's turned down and she's lighting it? She doesn't have to worry about being predatory. He knows she's into it. It she's into she's enjoying it than we are.
The realm of pleasure, we not in the realm of violence and why The woman never say that turns me most is to see him turned down, but she says what turns me most turn on the most is to build a turn on is if she's busy with her erratic so then she knows she's not in the world of caretaking she's, not responsible for anybody else as well being and for once, you can actually focus on herself understood things, the predatory fear for the men and the burden of responsibility and chair taking for the woman. Add things that you need to. Let go of proud of them the opposite of which you take to have somebody. So when I see men deserve to be made and they also conflicts? What I'm saying is that now wants to contract a distance it wants to neutralize detentions. It wants to merge the beloved, it runs it needs absolute trust desire meets mystery?
desire moods and other. It needs that other person that I'm looking there that is rigid the December element that I'm curious about that I momentarily and once again much that I do that, because who's that person sitting at the piano there completely wrapped and you are drawn to that other person. That is not an extension of you that you don't feel responsible for, and now you can truly want them desired and be attracted to them and reach out to them so deciding on work habits over so that works very hard to close the gap that ten desire needs to open up again, you need to have a bridge to crest, and somebody to visit on the other say climbing into your red like district. Invite me, you know- and I moved to be, and that invitation that motion is the desire. Is I'm gonna come and see who's dispersal? What's in there, you know it back to redress city
your city is the essential ingredient of desire. You can't be curious when you are not safe, he had read the safety. Do you need to fuel? Yes basically, you need not be anxious in order to be curious and sir, Those responsible to remain extremely sense of responsibility that kills the designers brings out a different part of your brings out the mother or father. That's where, as you know, the brother and sister, whatever someone's gonna, take care of someone as someone that you're gonna literally enter another world with a view to enter a new part of yourself with is this. Why so many women you most men are surprise and seminars on the last women. What's there this manichaean, like husbands of comfortable say being taken by a strange of Christ and why the bad boy, because the bad boy, you don't have to worry about taking care about hurting, stealings right, surrender their right. Yes, completely debate. Birthday explicitly good care of himself. Thank you right,
So you see where we want to be doing. Everyone is enough to worry about sex. That's it! You talk when the ban, but you know when the bad press says how was it she wants to know? How was it for you, when the other private, asks her? How was it? What do you want to know is how was I were and he's? for reassurance and if he's asking for reassurance, she will mother him initial mothers him. So they love him, but she wrote MRS sooner desire him well a couple of examples that love each other, so much delay seen so many times. We have so much love for each other, but their constant, the upper each other conflict, you're digging. How do they break out of that? What well being exercised when assuming a couple too break out about and come back to where they can find curiosity and mystery and whether not caretaking because it comes from such a positive and tat? Is he hasn't been together? Twenty thirty years and most them don't have that passionately more. They settled something less and then you find those exceptions by private. Dear couple, friendly just
there's nobody there sixtieth wedding anniversary, passionate for each other. Grab me to love each other, make ravages. It's just a beautiful thing. It does need to life in their nineties. Eightys and Ninetys within the same or what will be a summons listening might now going mad. I love my partner so much. We don't have enough passion which What would be your assignment your approach to helping them to two reignite this again set this? Does a few defecting said I I would do and by the way I think that when people, so you don't have enough passion did they tell it to you six months to two years into it did not necessarily twenty years the ones who headed habit and the ones who lose it often lose it very early, most right after the kids, what they do become family, so you know when, if they have little children, I say to them, It was something you have one you grow out a curfew. Do you always have to come home
was the baby sitter, because somebody because the kids, because canyon, find a way every if it does, even if it every three months? I don't care you find a way where you can go out without having to come home at a certain time when The last time that you felt unbounded that you felt that you were on an adventure and you didn't have to be with the responsible parents on a date night out. Ok, just where you can and in and maybe step too far,. In the morning, do you know when you do this every once in awhile, you really feel young. You just do you feel like you're, not being responsible citizen, you feel like you're, not accountable to you. Just let go it does nothing to do with how much you drink, and it just has to do with the fact that there was no proof. Great responsibility on you at that moment. So I highly work with people on you know
today of non responsibility. You make sure that you keep those in your whole family business and everything is taken care of do you know whence stem, you actually stood in bed in the morning, not because you had a fever, I mean it's everything that has to do with breaking rulers and white plume cookie and would bring naughty mix of those things that playfulness. Its children? No, I mean the kids who play feel great Britain gets who play and I'm not in the mood in the middle of it because they entered the place where they were not supposed to go on top of the world. There is something about breaking rules that make you feel like you're, really in touch with freedom, and would you free will and that energizes people that is, Routine dead makes you feel alive and vibrant invite and so the whole
breaking rules. I look at their lives. I see peace places and I saw you see that thing. I want you that that you put for yourself. I want you to break it and I go for the breaking of the rules. That is a major piece of of the work I do with them. Then the second one I often do say, which is a very sweet women and but but one that can really be connect. People would play from this goes for me to get to the passion you have to connect to the play for this data to separate the email address or seven for number whatever. But what I want you to do is to have a were a channel that you communicate. Could Toby Toby Social Media doesn't matter that the two of you know not your kids, not your secretary. Nobody knows anything about this and you're not allowed to talk about management. Ink you're not allowed to talk about. During that has to do with the shopping and kits and end and holidays, and nothing it's just a place for the lovers
you still lovers. Have you need a place where death is protected and where you only speak to each other? From that, please, you can send, saw music, poetry, pictures wherever you want you're talking to your lover, you're, not talking to the mother of your children or your wife or your business partner, that several blurting of de erotic becomes very, very important as wind. So I like to do that with them. I think any in the brides novelty, never to brutes testosterone, most of the couples who are comfortable tend to do the same old because they enjoyed and it. Eugene ICE, there's nothing wrong with doing the same old and going back to the same places and appreciating that, but it doesn't create any edge. If you want passion you need unknown mystery transcendence imagination, curiosity, its does part, and that means you need to do
something that you have done, so I want you to take your partner. You know Europe in charge of the weekend, nothing, nothing! Nothing brings us more true than somebody who surprises us. Unless we have a history of trauma, then we don't like surprises. But otherwise Jake you're pregnant. You know furthermore, not protector suitcase, take them, even if its around the corner to someone else's place, if you dont have a penny, it doesn't make a difference and don't tell me Anything that's gonna happen next day when there had given her hands. You know in your head, Everybody remembers that the kids walking with someone that holds your hand and you have to close your eyes, and you have to trust that they're not going to bump you into other people. It's one of the favorite games we played so anyway, to do. The novelty with surprise would come with protecting and erratic space
Those things is where people when they connect sexually. I want you to make enough. Your clothes on most people after their together first the undress. Then they go to bed and then decide to do the deed. He know many people remember the reason that, when they think about moments of passionate about making out actually did think about sitting about tearing each other's FED clouds of as well, but not if it is actually its everything, the preferred the uncertainty will. It happened, ran to where rooms discouraging you know, I want you to go and set a roadmap, create an environment and just to everything that you do. Typically do your first address that you go to bed throws ever take your clothes off just met with the play with the parts of you that you have completely left out and the reason it became so clear to me is because now that I've written and worked on infidelity for all this year,
Everybody was talking about reconnecting with the last part of themselves, and that's it What you are looking for, and relations with the YAP yep, it's the most, that's of yourself. You know they about your house. Just go there. Don't just For the church banks, because it works because end in passion, what books is a disaster. So what did you think? What resonated with you? This is just part. One of the discussion between Tony marry me and asked her check back with us for part two Tonia, Esther delve into more issues surrounding relationships and intimacy, including one of the most complex and perplexing questions why people cheat
it's only weapons podcast is directed and hosted by Tony Robins and Mary Bucket carry song. Is our executive producer strategy and distribution by any org and Tether Culbertson Jamie Curve, a hall and Adrian Dilatory, r d?
Transcript generated on 2020-04-04.