« Unlocking Us with Brené Brown

Brené on FFTs


The first Unlocking Us podcast is here! Along with the excitement of sending this into the world, I’m feeling equal doses of fear, awkwardness, and vulnerability. In this episode I talk about my strategy for staying in tough first times versus tapping out and shutting down. When we get to the point that we only do things that we’re already good at doing, we stop growing. And truly living.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Everyone, I'm Bernay Brown and this is unlocking ass. You can hear me thank you here. We smiling through my my talking here. This is our very first unlocking ass podcast, and I am I'm someone at the intersection of like maybe scared and excited witches and enter action that I frequent often, but you think, he'd get easier, but it doesn't always could easier. I think I've recorded three episodes and I have to say I love it. I want to do this for the rest of my life as much as I love giving talks, I think I like listen.
In even more I love listening. I love learning. I love talking to people, and you know I've been interviewer for twenty years twenty five years. It's just my it's my thing so welcome to the first episode of unlocking us tell you this, and this is what we're going to talk about. F, F, tease today, and here's where here's, where start as much as I love this new podcast. What I don't love is being new at things and we're gonna talk about being new at things today,. I think, for all of us be new at something is incredibly vulnerable, even were excited and committed and were like a cat s? I'm in a try. This new thing, the awkward uncomfortable time comes right after the excitement and it feels awful
can tell you if the definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure, then being new at something. Is the epitome of vulnerability? What's also turkey for me, as by the time you reach middle age, which I define somewhere between late thirties and dead by the time you reach middle age, Do you know that the only way to get to the other side of the discomfort of being new is to push right through the middle, experience teaches us that as much as we want to fast forward through the hard rocky parts of doing something that we ve never done before, we just can't you know and be new, be new at big things is hard, but it's not just lifespan.
Moments like new jobs or new roles, are moving in with a new partner for the first time are having a baby. It's not just the big things that our task when it comes to be new little things. Small daily things can also push us and really tough ways. I'll give you an example. I have a Palatine bicycle, I'm sitting here. My sister bear. You call a bicycle, like Fisher shrugging his shoulders, like I don't know, dump me on the spot and I have a Palatine bike and when I say that, because it sounds cool or other Palatine by accelerate for spinning classes, so I have a politician bike and I was so excited to get started and the first five times I wrote it the whole time I had this. I have a very difficult habit that when I'm tryin something new
I feel scared and, like everyone is gonna judge me, I always go to the this is bullshit. This is bullshit. You should see me on this bike. I could not get clipped into, for the first time I wrote it. I waited for thirty minutes, not eating. Watch your classed as by myself, not clicked and it didn't work at all. Then I finally learn how to get clipped into it, and I left my shoes clipped into my bicycle, my bike for three months for three months, my bike just set in my study with a shoes attached to it. I couldn't get em off. I do know how to do it now. I can get on and often right it but be knew his heart of another great small example. I just got bangs now have not had bang since the nineties and back then they were like you. Standard issue break at bangs. They came with a cigarette and a wine cooler, and you got him cut right after some asshole broke up with you, so I got bangs Helen gotta get things but a month ago, to that a month ago,
I got things and when I left the as an caught a beauty parlor but we'll call, it wasn't salon like what's cool tree and later from my podcast. I need to put something on the microphone so that when I say I left my pocket book on the drainboard, it translate two I left my purse on the counter anyway, so I got these things and I was leaving the salon because I'm to too cooler beauty per orbit, I left the salon and I think, so cute. Well, let me just tell you for the next four to five days at least I be late for work. I couldn't get my or to work. All I can do is resort back to my I had to rely on muscle memory and my rest and my Ambrosch and let me just tell you, I look like Vince Neil.
And if you don't know who wins Neil, as you can google Motley crew night eighty five, I just had big eighties here and everyone was trying to be very supportive. They would say things like wow still looks good after all these years. Would you like mine, cool so hard things? Hard were heart new is hard and we don't like the discomfort but something I've seen over the past one, years. Has really scared me near the last twenty years of research I've seen how sometimes we all get so afraid of the vulnerability that we
doing anything that were not already good it doing. So it's not already comfortable. If we already dont have some expertise. If we don't already know how to do it and do it well, we're not doing it. Here's what hard and I think, scare. Here's what hard- and I think scary about that when we give up being new and awkward, we stop growing we stop growing, we stop living. I love that quote from shore Frank redemption get busy live in organ busy dying when waste growing. We start declining. There's no neutral here when we know longer feel that discomfort of being new of being an awkward learner, things start to shut down side of us. The discomfort of exploration, of doing new things of being an awkward rookie again, that's the juice, it's our life blood. It's the secret sauce,
and here's the even bigger news I think, the more willing to embrace the sack and try new things. More new things were willing to try and it's not because being new gets comfortable. It's because we learn how to normalize disk, If there's one thing, I know for sure, normalizing discomfort learning how to stay standing, in the midst of feeling unsure uncertain, that's the foundation of courage magic what it would be like to know that you can get through something that's vulnerable and uncomfortable that you have what it takes to survive the cringe e awkward moments, as my kids would say. That's cringing mom, knowing that we have the strength to survive those moments and come out on the other side, with new information, new ideas, new habits, new skills, that's how we get braver with our laws
lives in with our hearts. So I want to share a strategy with you for embracing the sack of new phenomena, confess that I am one hundred percent leaning in two that strategy right now,. The strategy is called the F F, Tee and out of your social distancing right now on your home, with your kids and your home with your kids in someone who filter the language they here. I'd like for you to walk slowly and calmly to your phone and take it off speaker. I'm gonna tell you it s actually stands for. You may not want a blast this or you may want to take. You found a hold up to your ear for just a SEC. I'll give you five four. Three two one, ok, F, F G stands for a fucking. First time and right now it is saving me. I am white knuckling about five different f F tease.
Now and without this strategy, I'd be out of my mind. The first most powerful part of the strategy is naming the F F tee when you're in it hey what is going on right now. Why am I? What if you're out of control. What I feel like, I don't know, I'm doing. Why am I a shame spiral? Why am I so confused? I like? Is this enough time and ineffective, so may mean it is key to end that, because we're meaning making species we gotta have the meaning have to have language is a handle. So first we identify- There were in an f, F Tee and we name it sometimes in this is this is a really big math. Sometimes, were afraid to name experiences are feelings because we think naming them gives them power and were if were feeling something- hard or uncomfortable. The laughing we want to do is give it power. Let me spell this myth. Now, with foreigner thousand pieces of data in twenty years of research, when we
in own hard things. It does not give them power. It gives us power, And what do I mean by power? The best definition, a power that I think exists in the world is for Martin their king, Jr Power is the ability to effect change and achieve purpose. If we put it all together, when we name and own hard things, it doesn't give the hard things power. It gives us the power to effect change and achieve purpose. So if we can say, oh, my god, this is hard to summon F, F g again, maybe something small like trying to fix my bangs or ride my new bike or your first yoga with goats class or a new job or a new relationship is it so hard to amend the F, F G and naming the effort t leads to three steps. One can normalize it. Oh, this is
firstly, how new, as best I feel this is uncomfortable because brave is uncomfortable to we can put it in perspective. This feeling is not permanent and it doesn't mean I suck at everything. It means I'm in the middle of an f f t around this one thing: three, I can reality check my expectations. This is gonna sack for I'm not going to crush this right away and, if you're interested in teaching your kids, the F F Tee strategy. You can always quality of tea terrible first times. I remember the thing to teach them is when you're in a t f tee when there are that first gymnastics class or the first, in a class or the first spelling bee you're, the first date or the first time driving when you're in a t, F g at her
first time what you're trying to do is normalize, it put it in perspective and reality check your expectations. A great example that I can give you around the F F Tee and be new, is when you we sober and you're working at twelve step programmer many of the other programmes. People will
Hey you need to go to six meetings in six days to go to ten minutes in ten days. Why? Because expectation says I'm going to go to a meeting someone's going to say something and I'm going to be cured. You know we have terrible expectations around first times we just set ourselves up for such a shame and such disaster. It with our expectation. So if you go to six meetings and six days is how it normally works meeting one, it's the Brunei approach. This is bullshit. I don't know what I'm doing here and these people are mostly losers and I'm better than everyone here day to okay. This again, just confirming what I thought I shouldn't be here, I'm better than everyone here, J three. Well I mean I made: maybe I'm not better than everyone here and maybe some of them from hearing. Maybe the resonating butt smells like cigarettes.
Coffee is horrible idea. It's not for me day for ok, either my people and I need a cigarette and a cup of coffee, bad bad coffee like that's the way it works, and so the the f and that leads us to normalizing, putting things in perspective and reality checking summoned a walk. You through a couple of examples of my own life right now. It's a pretty vulnerable for me, but I thought you know it's true. It's the first podcast you know go voltorb or go home. That's my new motto but I'm in a lot of effort he's right now. The podcast as one advertising which is part of the podcast, is another, and I'm sure about you. But this is my first f in global pandemic. So I'm going to just be super honest with you about what F F tease feel like for me right now and walk you through naming them. What was going on before, I name them and then how I normalized put things in perspective and start reality checking. So, let's start with the podcast cost.
Here with me in it right now. You're, not an f f t, because your billing not listening to your first podcast, but I I am in my empty and I'll, tell you why Because I did my first podcast when it when did, I thought it was just me, come out two thousand and seven, so I did my first podcast in two thousand and seven about a little microphone. I set up in my red kitchen table and I did a read along podcast. For
and it was so much fun, but then it kind of went away and it got complicated for me and I didn't know how to do all the feeds at that time. It was hard and I was doing it on Garageband, which team super complicated for me, so I kind of gave it at, but it's never left the back of my mind and I just to be honest with you. This is always felt like my dream. Job or dream medium is building community and having real hard conversations about everything from love to heartbreak. This is what I want to do so We decided this. Is it we're gonna podcast, so we went whole hog. We transform the down stairs space and our office to a beautiful podcast ray.
With a green room. We found a wonderful partner. We set up interviews, we set up a big lodge itself by southwest. We did everything in my dream. Scape for this podcast and then Corona came and now I'm in a closet on top of my sons, dirty under armor clause, and I have to say that a recording my first had cast a couple days ago. Then after I recorded I said I don't want to go on with my podcast to my community, the first time with other people. I just wanna talk directly to your all. I had to practise saying hi. I have to think about it right now, late ever written down somewhere to post it note now everyone. What am I saying, does her hair high?
yeah see you such as high everyone, I'm Bernay Brown. And this is a much like I. I have practice that thirty times, because I didn't like it at first, because it is blocked something similar summaries, I thought I would do something more. Around Hey guys and gals dolls- and I don't ever come to the top- and my sister looked at me and said I think that's the guy from grease like shut up. I took me twenty times to get this right and I still can't.
Really do it without looking, then I try to do something more serious where I was gonna get really close to the MIKE. I saw that new movie and I said somewhere. I saw this great podcast her talking into a MIKE with this is kind of like not a sexy voice. But more of a high everyone. This is Bernay Brown. Then I thought to myself: no that's pirate radio and he was the creek the guy who and sipped his pants. The zipper sounds on his radio station as they were broadcasting from the ship. So all I'm saying is that I'm in an F f tee. I don't know how it's all going to work: I dont know it's all going to sound. But what I know is that I'm in an f, F tee. And it's hard,
I wanna be myself, but in those Evan first times we have a tendency to armor up and protect and You things from movies or other ideas that usually move away from being ourselves. In fact, when things cancelling and shifting. I called an emergency meeting of our leadership team and within five minutes we were all frustrated and we were kind of vying for whose most overwhelmed with that true, and I just kept saying Ya'Ll the mills are falling off of the podcast should is hearing the fan what's happening and then finally reminding you Was it you bear some one said? Maybe Suzanne someone's add, F F T were in an F g. Was like opening that little knob on the instant pot was listening. Was just the pressure we would
just name in it. We were like we're in an F f tee. So what are the three things and empty normalize? It put it in perspective, reality, checks and normalize it. This is exact our space to feel this is new. We don't know, we're doing that's? Why wobbly. That's why scared. That's why we don't know we can't drawn history We can't draw on experience. We can't say: oh, you know is the way we did it. This is where we really crushed it back when we did that podcast and eighty five. We are common Natur from a pile of dirty close in a closet without a net, because we're at team Put it in perspective. The simple thing again, not permanent doesn't mean we suck at everything. Let's remember for us is how we're getting our f t getting through our efforts with a pod gas.
In five days, five weeks or five months, when we look back, we might laughed a little and we will for sure said
I do remember one that was so hard and here the twenty five things that we were super sure about doing back then that we would never do again. That's the reality of the first time! That's why it's a secret saw us! That's why it's the juice! That's why it keeps us growing in our brains. You know firing last reality. Checking expectations here is the universal reality check and the F f t whether it is a parenting, F, F, G, whether it is a professional, F, F tee. This is a heavier left, then what we thought are expected and emotionally heavier lift a physically heavier lift a strategy resource heavier lift. This is harder than we thought, and it's scary. So when you're in the F f t you gotta remain yourselves, it's gonna, it's gonna, take twice as long be. Ten times is hard and
I personally maybe twenty five percent more pissed off all the time, because I dont do wobbly Anne and this is a great time first class. I think it is clear this up with them right now, if you're thinking Bernay doesn't do wobbly she's like the patron saint of vulnerability, the jokes on all of us I believe, in vulnerability. I try to practice it I'm not really into it. I am not yet. I am not don't. Let me be the representative of vulnerability on the researcher, not the representative. I dont, like wobbly, the other things that were shocking. When I say you know, reality check your expectation, the lift he's gonna be worse, so our partners, Keynes, thirteen, we love them, they sent. You know their audio engineer down to Houston. To take our beautiful podcast space and set it up. So I thought he was gonna come with liar, maybe I'll handle bag. I could Nord stream I'll handle bag with the microphones. I
There are twenty boxes and he's under the table with a drill. Any kind of slides out says: hey your group, the drill, any kind of slides out and says hey Your grandpa didn't build this or anything right, I'm just drill and all into it. It took three twelve hour days to set up the podcast ram and fifty boxes of stuff. If your life, me and you're, not good. Estimating time are energy or effort, the F F. She will really f you up because Is it always gonna be harder than you thought? It's just going to be new wobbly. But here's the thing new wobbly, honest coming right at your from the dirty clothes in the closet in social distancing right now, I'm super glad you're. Here second day,
that's very, very scary. For me, right now is advertising on this podcast I've never done a paid add in my life I dont even stand close to podium with brands on them. When I speak in public, I don't talk about brands, nuthin nada. I think that's partly because of my academic training. If you do any type of brand work or take any money, even like maybe it's over five dollars or something there's a shit on paper and I'm just not great at on the on the paperwork person. I do the paper work when I get the fourteenth email that says were revoking everything, including your birth certificate. So I've never done any kind of brand work at work. I just never die
we went with an advertising model for the podcast cuz. It makes the most sense to us: it's free, you can everyone can get it, but there are ads and there have to be a dad, because we have a team of ten people and we have a huge partner and you know people need to make a living, and it's but I can't evangelize a product, so I come from a long line of evangelists. I have these very vivid memories, I've sitting at my grandmother's table in San Antonio South side is Antonio overview of sand honey and hey over by Mcfeely small and she came out of the kitchen. Wearing joys were a patchwork house coat that snapped at the fraught with a pearl snaps She has square toad cowboy boots kind of like a bronzy leather, with Eagle stamped on both sides of them
and she wore black cat glasses till the very end and I remember very distinctly sitting there one day and I was sitting there with curly her husband, who was a forklift driver for poorer, worry and sad This is Jimmie Dale new sausage. It has sage in it. Sage is a spice. This is, best sausage. I've ever had, and you can- it too in the frozen food I'll at the Piggly wigley. She was the best add person of her time. My mom is the same way so yeah she's, my mom, so does ass. All the time shall say: try this motion, I'm good, try the solution. It spoke silk and smoothly, but won't leave you feeling. Ok, no, I don't know. I don't know we d have it so I come from a long. Maternal line of customers
Angelus, but I'm still anxious about it, because I don't want to go through the new part of that. What, if I can't do it? What if it sounds weird what? If I'm ridiculous? What, if I'm embarrassed, I go into a shame spiral on trying to say something I just its
to be hard, so I had a little f f T break down about the advertising, and my team looked at me and said: Ethel Taber, nay, normalize it. This is the first time put it into perspective. It won't always be hard and set realistic expectations, and I said what does that mean and they said reality check the expectations not only of yourself, but the people around. You were an f f t. We have two realities that expectations for everyone, so I said: ok, let me think about this reality check expectations, even with external partners, even if your with your family, don't just really check your expectations. Reality check them with your partner. With your kid, so I said: ok we sat down
leadership meeting everyone from Keynes. Thirteen everyone from our side- and I just was completely honest about expectations. I basically said I've got good news and bad news about the advertising. Good news. I can get really excited about things. I love the bad news. I will do no ads zero for anything that I do not love period. If I don't love it, I am not going to talk about it and when I do talk about it, I'm not going to read anyone's copy and you can just kind of see their faces going at me I threw them into their you know. Maybe I threw them internet of tee. I feel I definitely there last week and smiling we'd happening through them into F tee and they said.
Say more about not reading the copy and only things you love, and I said I can't bullshit this community, because I've spent over a decade building this community and I trust them, and I think they trust me. So if I love it I'll talk to them about it freely, but I'm may tell stories about it. My own stories about it and why I love it and that's not reading, add copy and if I have never tried it I'd just gonna like it a bit I am not going to to them anymore then sell it to people that I love. So here's the thing add start next week our aid policy is straightforward and I like to call it all be no be ass. If I'm advertising it, then I believe in it I'll tell you the story about why I love it, listen to it, use it or do it and you count on me for that so normalize. This is new and times I had intentionally stayed away from things like this. I feel weird, but I feel less we
when I'm in my values perspective. I can't feel weird forever am I didn't start enjoy telling you about things. I love and expectations. There's this great quote we're reality. Checking expectations as a part of dealing with our F F Tee, so this quota by large I've seen it attributed to Nelson Mandela. I've seen it as rigid element will suffice it to hey! That's some really smart person. Sad expectations are just resentments waiting to happen so when, as part of inner f f T were in something new and hard reality check expectations and that real we minimizes resentment. I have saved the hardest F F tee for last the covert nineteen pandemic. I think it's safe to say that this pandemic is a collective f f tee, so was just
That right off the bat we don't know what we're doing many of us are trying to make our kids filled. He assured when we don't feel sure about anything, were true And to be normal, but nothing is normal and can I just also say it's the worst effort he ever I mean I'm a grown ass person, but I do not know what I'm doing so. If I take the strategy that I use personally and professionally for the F tee and we normalize it put it in perspective and reality check expectations, here's what that looks like fur me normalize it. We don't know how to do this. And by this I mean we don't know how to social distance and stay saying we don't know how to stay socially connected, but far apart were learning or getting better, and you can see that every day we don't know what to tell our kids, we don't know exactly how to home school. I saw something on Tik Tok, our instagram that sad. I have home school
one day, every teacher should make one billion dollars a day. We don't know exactly what we're doing, anxious were uncertain. We are a lot of us afraid and it is ok to feel all those feelings. And let me tell you this for sure- and I know this from my life. I know this from again: twenty years, a research and forty thousand pieces of data, if you dont name what you're feeling, if you don't own the feelings and feel them they will eat you alive,
and if you are apparent you can give your kids a sense of safety while also modelling and teaching them. What not knowing and uncertainty, looks and feels like helping your kids feel safe and secure during this time of uncertainty and modeling, what uncertainty can look like and feel like are not mutually exclusive. It is that is that dual mine that's been able to hold two different things. It have a lot of tension and to have the strength to hold things like that
is really how we measure human intelligence and emotional intelligence. I know we want to try to make everything certain far kids and we think that's what makes them feel safe. But what happens is when their away from us and then they feel uncertain. They think that automatically means their unsafe and that's not the truth. So weak and say you know, we don't know, what's happening, we're doing the best that we think we can do. It is scary and that's ok to feel, but your it's ok, let's just it's! Ok to even be overwhelmed with emotion right now, you just have to name.
And feel it. So if you're with people and your social distancing with a group of people have a check in one word to describe what you're feeling right now, one thing your grateful for right now, if you're, if your by yourself reach out and not taxed phone or face timer zoom or what we owe something where you can see, people are here, people and just say just check. One word checking what's going on for you right now, we did it. Do we do that without today, and we got everything from kind of settling men too uncertain too anxious, but just being able to say it again means making species we need languages handles to be able to say what were feeling too rapid
around. It allows us to start making meaning number to putting this F f tee of the pandemic and perspective. We don't know when this will end, but we we do know it's not forever and you're apparent remember that perspective as a function of experience, the less experience, the less perspective, if you have kids, you are saying I'll, never see my friends again. I can't believe we're missing spring break. That lack of perspective is not always about selfishness and we don't make them tougher or more empathic towards others by diminishing their feelings. Disappointment is something that a lot of us are feeling right now and it's ok to feel disappointed. It's ok to be safe, have enough food, have some resources and still feel disappointed, because denying your disappointment doesn't make you more sympathetic towards people who have it alive.
Worse than you do. It makes us less sympathetic. So all the feels all ok name then, and talk about them and then reality checking expectations. We ve gotta be more patient with each other and as Harriet Learner, my friend says: listen with the same passion that you have for being heard, that's hard a lot of passion for wanting to be heard, and sometimes not very much passion for listening. We have to ask for what we need
we have a reality check ourselves and we start drifting towards so called experts that no everything in our offering certainty, one of the scariest times for us collectively as when were vulnerable, because when were vulnerable, people who call themselves leaders are experts can pop up and quickly gain our trust by selling and peddling certainty to us and anyone who certain right now. In my opinion, any not certain like social distancing will be helpful handwashing, but
can tell you? This is exactly what's happening. This is exactly when it's going to end. This is exactly he's going to get sick. This is exactly how anyone who is telling it's not it's, not a big deal, we're all okay, anyone who is using anything but science and facts to give you certainty right now, in my opinion, needs to be reality, checked, exercise sleep. If you can and also listen all of these tick tocks and Instagram and Facebook of our italian neighbors and friends, on their porches singing and dancing doing exercises together. I won a reality check that there is solid, weak ahead of us and I don't think we saw that from them when they were indeed Three, our day to day for of social, distancing or quarantine
If I had an instrument right now, I would ask for a tuba, because I'm with my entire family, my extended family than we busted, my mom and her husband out of assisted living when they went into locked down there, and I would ask for a tuba and then I would crawl inside of it and hide. And then I asked one to push the tube down the hill and our backyard and rolling into it until I, the lake in the tube. Oh I'm, not I'm not leaving a band right now, I'm we're heaven. We haven't got her time limit, but would you say how relations definitely ever tease that really and after all we need heavy to say this is how I believe this is how our spirits in is making sure that were on the same page somewhere, Gazer she's, really she's, she's, really good.
We had a high conversation today we did that's what I'd like to climb into a tuba he rolled up only you know where that came from just a visual. I have right now it's there. We can't given on each other. Ya were all we have, even in the F F, tease we're gonna drop this podcast every Wednesday once we find our footing next week, we're going to drop podcast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, because we want to- and I'm excited about you hearing from some of the people I ve interviewed Monday. I'm talking to Tirana Burke, the founder of the meat to movement, who is a dear friend, and we talk about everything for
falling in love in sharing space with people that we love, namely our partners, and in Tuesday I am going to talk to Linen Doyle on her new book untamed. If you have not read untamed yet this is a book for these times. Untamed it'll be really fun if you can get it, but what a great coming mission I had with Glenn. I have not practise a fancy sign off yet. So I will just say I'm grateful for you. I think this is gonna be fun. I think we're gonna learn some stuff. I think we're going to get braver and hopefully unlock a little bit about what it means to be human and this crazy world. So this is
es. Thank you for listening.
Transcript generated on 2020-05-26.