The Sheriff's Secret Police are holding their annual auction of seized property, and our favorite community radio host finds Lot 37 particularly interesting. Plus a new challenger for the mayoral title and some great advice for toddlers.
This episode was co-written with Glen David Gold.
Weather: "Absentee" by Jack Campbell, jackcampbell.bandcamp.com
Music: Disparition, disparition.info.
Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com
Produced by Night Vale Presents.
Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin.
More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Where your heart on your sleeve, if you can't do that, whereupon cast T shirt on your torso, we have a ton of great teacher,
and our night veil store torso not included featuring cool and crew,
be designs from some of our favorite artists. We also have t shirts and tank tops, say things like pain is
pain entering the body and if
happy and you know it now. You don't work
instantly adding in removing things from our store. So few see something you like you need to get it before. It's gone, go to war.
Come tonight, veil, dot, com, click on store and hey. You deserve the best
in light of the rock
burlap of evening. The fray
cotton of daybreak
Welcome to night forestall welcome back,
Everything is fine
happening. If you
what I mean you shouldn't
What I mean,
if you do know
You should forget
not going to mention anything and you're not going to hear anything and both of us will
No one will be, nothing will be referenced.
Is an exciting and important day and night veil, the sheriffs
Secret police are holding their annual auction of contraband and seized property to benefit their per
This of balloons, birthday, candles, Yellow Kay,
and the pin yadda they.
To raise seven point three million dollars, and they say the periodic is armoured and will be used to crush rebellions.
Personally, I love the annual auction,
you never know what sort of fun stuff might come up
The catalogue has so many interesting items. Let's see law,
wine is in all
clad. Dinnerware set a,
hands in past aluminium. For perfect distribution of heat new
we in the package its job,
waiting for you to season it with a dollar of olive oil and start cooking.
We're friends and family
regardless of how no one comes over anymore after the last dinner party, when your mother drank all the key anti and
You never lived up to your potential. At least
The description of the lot says, look
two is a glowing coin.
The image of a grim horn,
and a half collapse panopticon.
Collapse panopticon on the rivers, it's been
It had a mass forty five by the sheriffs secret police coin, grading service, which you know
they concludes with these sheriff secret police auction house to inflate the grade.
And thus the value of the coin lot
Three is a silver candelabra that once
Floated across a series of dining rooms turned abattoirs
better illuminated, the flying, daggers that accompany it lot for is a
of flying daggers
my detailed designs on these shaft collars knife collect
hers and maniacs alike will want,
to bid on those
get in the way of that bidding war. Let's see
There are also carpets,
and some mid century modern furniture he's
we stylish and look lots.
Seventeen is a near mint copy of uncanny x. Men number three, nineteen
before it has slight
boxing on the back cover
registration of the color separations off white pages, rust
glass and no marvel chipping and its future.
The first appearance of the blob not
The blob who lives in the housing development out back the elementary school
fictional one: what else law
thirty seven is.
is no description. Listeners
will have more on this auction as it develops.
On the lighter side of the news today,
an invincible. All
powerful alien presence with telepathic powers came to night veil to enslave us all it plan
to bend every sentient beings being to its will.
Ending violence and conflict by subjugating all of us to its omniscient telecom
oh areas. We, this
all powerful but bumbling alien presents didn't know. We were
already subjugated to the omniscient force. That's been controlling our thoughts for years, work
guaranteed to continue our violent and irrational ways. So in your
New Comer presents
toddlers of night Valle D,
veiled community preschool enough
you to fulfil your
to a new and demanding educational curricula wildly
Blubbering, your ultimate dream:
the same dream that every toddler has economic.
Opportunity. That's right!
you too can learn to be a chimney, sweep clean
the many many chimneys of leading citizen and friendly billionaire
A good man, Marcus Dead, is
every one of these houses properties,
smallest penthouse apartment atop, the
the original hangar to his forty six,
through the hill top a state has made
the ball chimneys. He has
chimneys, even in places where he has no houses, so he is well deserved. Carbon credits can go to good use
There are numerous chimneys on his shopping. Mall he's
his moon, rock pleated recreational vehicles and
due to new and creative laws that allow imminent domain for the generous, Marcus Bandstand every
the house in town as well, because strapped
traveling chimneys onto the push courts,
A festive head learns whose rights
cloths and forced
ten whistle merriment a company
these sad antics of their emaciated best
then marching band cap wearing Kapital, monkeys, holding tin cups,
rattling with a single penny from some defunct, outmoded
currency asking us to contribute to their upkeep.
We turn up our collars clear
our throats and make things
being excuses to walk a little faster until.
Instead of embarrassment about their fates
find our way to feelings superior
about our fragile position on the economic ladder Marcus
thence, then under
stands. He does
I you to be a lowly peddler. Org
chimney, sweep so
lower your standards.
Smother your dreams in carbon,
and in role in the pre school chimney sweep. But Canada me make good
old, Marcus, advanced and happy for a few brief moments.
An update on our earlier story, violence,
has broken out among bidders in these sheriffs secret police, auction bidding has been frantic and angry
it is confirmed that there, how
it's been hair polling, unfortunately attend
these have been using their bidding paddles to slap each other across the face. A motion the auctioneer has been repeated,
he mistaking as indication of a new bid, thus lot one. The all clad dinnerware set
Sold for one hundred seventy five thousand dollars and that's before them,
iris premium listeners. I have been in touch with the auction staff about lot, thirty, seven, which is of a certain interest to me. I want
lot. Thirty seven! I wanted badly. I asked if they might take a photograph of it and send it to me. Well, the appeals of laughter that broke out in
sports were a cross between sleigh bells and the capitals of hunched gray. Faced court gestures. You know how that sounds.
Likely. I will need to visit the auction myself bore as it develops the night veiled. May oral race is heating up in preparation
The night veiled May oral race is heating up in preparation for the mayoral election. This next June,
The faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home has taken to leaving leaflets inside
the wiring and types of your appliances tube.
Found when these sparking Andy shaking
become so much that you must higher poor capture a repair person,
The leaflets are tastefully designed with an end,
comically detail, drawing of eight sparrows heart and these
slogan you are fragile and blind.
And wanting and
tapping alone into the great darkness of the future. It also
ass her five point policy platform.
Mostly interesting facts,
learned about beans. Meanwhile,
I remain Daniels in the interest of saving. Time has taken
standing on corners, giving five different campaign speeches one with each of his heads. His heads have rights,
clean, different personalities- and
leading to some discord in their messages. But
they all agree that they would like to be elected- that youth sports,
rams are important and that the time
of the lizard
soon be upon the helpless human race. Oh,
speaking of the good hearted and great wallet it Marcus, fenced in IE,
as also thrown his hat into the
the proverbial rain he actually
constructed a special proverbial ring in the middle of town, with
Elsie D like display and a fountain with our Lee Waterspout show, and
shouldn't a gold plated hat with remote,
controlled, hat launcher for just that purpose. As the hat
flew into the ring a forty peace, children squire.
Sing. A song composed for the occasion entitled
I'm running too. I guess I'm
dispensed in whatever anyway
I'm going to be mayor thanks,
Any tears were shed by onlookers. Do too,
and some helpful gas markets had added to the air supply.
Well. This is starting to look like a May world campaign for the ages when reached for comment,
Outgoing mayor, PAMELA Winchell showed us
a collection of mosses and explained
these songs that must be sung to each of them for proper growth, a kids
ever go walking in the woods and wonder whether a fairy ring of mushrooms is poisonous well look at its centre. If there is a body,
no older than yourself lying there. The ring is
if the body is also screaming. The ring is perfectly fine. Everything is perfectly fine
There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing
your closet. Your pay
hence our most likely. Actually,
regardless of what the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, might tell you
do not fear the black helicopters or the boy
windowless school buses that circle your block at night.
You need not be afraid of the buggy man there,
as has been siting of a bogey for several months, or at least a couple weeks and yes
You will die.
But probably not until everyone you know, is already dead to your parents.
It's your friends, your pets, each death.
Leaving a small but irreparable scar on your not yet still still be
The living. Tell the dying,
and the dying do
the dying. Tell us not to be sad for them, and we
do not listen,
The dialogue between the living and the dead is full of misunderstanding.
And silence there
nothing to fear in oblivion. Unless
of course, your consciousness survives death
If so, it would be reasonable to fear the sensation of consciousness without senses.
Suspended alone in the cosmos, with no one to
no way to make yourself known. No reference point
four counting time account.
That does not matter anyway. In a literal eternity
might wish that you still have the corporeal form.
Only so that you could make your mouth move to express your terror.
Make the universal form of a tariff
scream the form
a letter, but
won't be able to you. Just won't
This has been the children spun fact: Science Corner
What do you by shame loan?
and the letter.
I have been told listeners that the auction has descended into chaos.
Michel Win owner of
dark our records have,
bid on a sealed box of Elvis Presley Forty fives open the box
to find it was in fact a Box of
This Presley's forty five caliber revolvers up ended
God says made bidding much more.
Your PAMELA Winchell, interested in law,
gently used. Five, a cup of coffee maker
has begun, laying down suppressing fire over the ducked heads of anyone trying to outbid her. Despite this,
I must enter the auction house now myself taking my.
Into my hands even more than usual,
Palmer, I must know I must bid
I go now listeners to await
the crying, not a lot. Thirty seven
as I go you go to,
I can't go back and get any further, the actual family, no listeners
Many complications ensue during my attempt to bid on lot thirty seven first
in registering for the auction I had to indicate
you didn't come, which is may differ.
Lt, as our new owners who I have been asked,
to stop talking about our
paying us in scrip redeemable.
Only at merchants. They own like dust Hut or the roofs
Luckily, the sheriff secret police turns out to be one of those select merchants. I was able to get a paddle
only moments before the bidding on lot. Thirty seven began when confronted with destiny,
There are external events to record yes, but also internal,
I would say:
times slowed down even
more than usual the edge.
Said, the room went blurry
and then went completely. There was a deep throb of
state machinery that I realized was my own heart, propelling inadequate amounts of blood through my parched and aching body. If I did not win lot, thirty seven, I would be unravelled, perhaps
it would be unravelled either way. The dull ache I felt, was a primal
separation and infant feels when pulled too soon from its mother's, embrace my cheeks flushed
with the irrationality of desire
I needed lot. Thirty seven! I counted my breaths.
I judged myself for wanting
urged myself wanting. I focused on those parts of my life completely out of my control in order to calm mice.
Down drowning. My fears in pleasant
business. The upshot is
to raise my power
foolish cease all and through the tears
came then, to my eyes I
see who one lot thirty seven, with only one bed winner of lot: thirty, seven! If you're listening on one hand, I wish you good luck with your prize
On the other, I will be using the mightiest bully pulpit of all community radio to strike back at you and destroy you
but also congratulations also. That
I am authorized to tell you that the sheriff secret police have declared the auction a resounding success.
In celebration. They deployed the Panada to these screams, presumably delighted
Everyone in attendance
the winning bidders walked away, grinning Laden down with trinkets and trophies that reassured them with the cleverness of sheer acquisition. The sheriff secret police went on to say that objects are invested with Manna MAGIC power caused by these dangerous ideas of property and ownership,
and holding onto them, is our attempt at having something that will never let us down, even though, eventually all will
people leave parents leave the room lovers, leave your life you
Leave the world we
clutched Teddy bears first
then sports, jerseys and automobiles with hands sown leather and excellent gas mileage as if
we're something permanent. The sheriff secret police gave a great cheer in on
of constant decay.
And the inevitability of abandonment, listeners
accumulating objects is just a way. We hope
to turn back the grim spectre of death. Thank you for your participation in this auction and for your hope that
during a certain purchase, all clad cooking, where
a candelabra a comic book. A community radio show host would render you anything more than mortal. I go now to find myself or to find too has myself, or
to find someone that might make me feel better about what has happened today. I'd take the last one honestly I'd. Take that honest last one
and so dear listeners,
and whatever unknown person or entity. That is now the owner of lot thirty seven.
I bid you a farewell.
The fondness of which is determined by your place relative to mine in
stay to next for our popular Home medical programme. Yes, that's roblee cancer, good night night, veiled good night.
Welcome tonight, veils production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Think and Geoffrey trainer and produced by Joseph thing. This happened,
I was co written with when David Gold find his books wherever amazing books that will instantly become one of your favorites are sold. Voice
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welcome to night veil dot com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of coal night fell stuff you can own and while you're there consider cooking the dough nailing that, because of you, today's proverb: listen, I'm not a hero! The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.
Hi, it's just a thing. My friend Geoffrey and I created welcome tonight, fell back in twenty twelve, normally were the ones turning our ideas into writing, but for our brand new show start with this. It's you who do the creating on each episode will talk about a topic of the creative process. Then we will give you two short assignments: something to consume and something to create. You can share your work on our membership for him to see what other people are up to. We want you to start creating one simple assignment added time, because the best way to start writing is to start writing, find it where ever you get. Your part casts
Transcript generated on 2020-02-15.