Vanessa Hollingshead can honestly say that a cruise ship saved her life. She tells Marc what led to a comedy career in the first place after a childhood spent in communes, foster homes, and around lots of grown-ups on acid and other psychedelic drugs. Vanessa got a hot start in comedy and her big break was right in front of her, and then it all went away, followed by a crushing personal tragedy. And if it wasn't for that cruise ship, she might not be here telling this story.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
All right. Let's do this, how are you what the placards, what the fuck bodies, what the fuck in yours, what the box? It goes that's a summer, one decided on it, how's it going Today, on the show, active vanessa. Hollingshead It's a and I go way back way back to new worked back in the day. She was she's a little younger than me, and I remember her starting out. She started after me, but she made it like a very big impact. A like she was very. I did a lot of big characters. it's awful of weight She was going to be like the new lucille ball, just lock going on, and then I didn't hear from her see her for a long time. I'd heard stuff. I didn't know what was happening with her. I was recently going through my memory checking in with everybody. I once knew in my mind,
I think I got an email from somebody who had been on a ship working with her. She does commit comedy on both now, and I was just where he says the, how you know what happened to her life. You know. Is she okay, what she doing comedy wise? I mean she. Do I choose married to. To the owner of the comic strip, not the owner, the guy who booked the comics revolution hold for years and he passed away. I just It was one of those stories where I'm like. Where, where did that woman go and she's been out there I doing a lot of cruise ships and stuff, but it's a very heroin tale of a comedy. it's one of those ones and it was great to see her and I'm glad we caught up. So that's happened in a minute you're going to hear it I know that I want t. I got a couple: emails about the hawaii volcano statements, I made the other day one of them. being out in the other. One saying like, could you shut up? Tourism are our most important industry in hawaii. Alright, if people want to play
shop in the lava. Let him play golf in the lava. Who are you to ruin allowing luau in the lava? Why? Why are you getting all upset? Did you don't want to scuba diving hot steamy, so Europe ass it air water come, I discuss pussy, I'm sorry Not good to use that word, just cuz you're a wenis, doesn't If people don't want to enjoy the nice healing effects of freshly boiled lava water, wider snorkeling it Talk about volcanoes for men I made some jokes. I just did on this show again and I I did get one email from someone just saying you know: take it easy, the volcanoes on a small part of the island, so having a tremendous, fact on most of the island and we require tourists. Theirs is subject line volcanoes, hey mark, I'm Jeremy and I love the podcast. I thought the David harbour
the sword was great, I'm not find the correct you guess I thought you would like to know about the two kinds of volcano eruptions that can occur simply put volcanoes, like the hawaiian islands, whose lava slowly and constantly over many many years building islands while at it lotta rarely gets more dangerous than persons walking away. Could with the other kind like that of vesuvius, the one that caused the famous palm pages There are much more dangerous. They are called pyroclastic volcanoes and pressure. inside until it actually explode with ash gases and bits of solid rock all burning, very hot and the pirates class, the clouds are sometimes over a hundred miles an hour. Volcanoes hawaii will never explode with deadly gases and volcanoes. Like pompeii we'll never dribble lava cool Roy just another reason: you'll find a cool correlation of where the different kinds are loved. Show marin love glow. I've got a crush on.
Him, but you are my favorite on the show and pike, as is my ferreting, who isn t twice a week and my crappy ride to my crap. Your job keep fighting the good fight man. Thank you, Jeremy. Thank you for clearing up the valley, the volcano question yeah. I think that's interesting, though, that did that perhaps if there are going to be taken these are many fatalities from the hawaiian volcano it'll. Just be people like come here. Dude skip closer, get the picture is selfie with the lava. I can't really see it old on all vog or something like that right. Something like that. also you mentioned the David harbour episode, which I enjoyed very much. This is the interesting thing is I do a long conversation with David harbour and we talk candidly about their struggles with mental illness, his being a little more extreme than mine him talking about hospitalization, about medication and being sort of open about it which gets attend.
both in a good way to bed. We like it, it's very helpful to de eyes mental illness and talk hand. About it. I've been doing it here for years and many I guess have as well, but the issue is- Is that bother David at all? he doesn't mind, but the quickbayt fucking cancer spreaders wigand. Quick based was just call that I mean so it's just like they just everywhere Mental institution last, but hospital harbour, quote, I was committed to a mental asylum. Yet it's just I just shit tons of quick taken out of context? Even if people don't read that article, which many people, don't they just your grants, pass and then make mental note of the click bait and bring it up somewhere else and talk to somebody else who doesn't know shit about it. Takes it out of context actually does the exact opposite of what we did on the show where it sort of stigmatizes mental illness b. As of this sordid approach of the attention grabbing
garbage headline. Some of them thorough in the way they covered the episode, but many just wanted people to plant that in their head just the malignant meme machine yeah, I'm guilty of taking that stuff. In I mean hearsay is in a lot of ways. You don't even realize it's it's! It's sticking in your brain, go. Oh yeah, I heard Da Da. He was a mental hospital I saw that I saw that article. Did you read it it must be, you know you must have be, must be sick or what your interests. everyone's guilty of it. is a shame that one of the things that I do hear the one of the things that many people don't have time to do, any more don't make time to do is talk long, and thorough enough in and emotionally connected enough to sort of move through a lot of a human being albums human issues, human interest excitement sit here. The process, people and how they live their life any
This can be minimized garbage in seconds by somebody who claim be a journalist what kind of people going to become what kind of people that are just sees strange, predatory, bottom feeding me college graduates, who job it is working or whatever web publication. They work at two to sort of take something crunch. It down rip it out of context and think of it. a kind of crappy little headline, for it did do they go on to what's their big future, where they stop do they call them journalists in an era where journalism couldn't have. It really is been phenomenal. The the real work, the journalists do. What are the quick bade us think of themselves Do they think they're heading in that direction, where they might actually do something through oh and honest and probing and who, in your throwing all the journalist questions with all the scope of the of what is necessary to
create a good piece of journalism or they just going to be married, shits on journalism, wrote a piece for them, but it is. It is disconcerting and sad that the cultural dialogue continues to digress to we're just going to be. You know, just angry apes, spewing bits and pieces. Fragments of larger stories completely out of context just blathering down the street. Going things trump lava. Porn star golf I went to ikea get curtain rods and I ended up buying a large patio umbrella. That's the kind of thing it happened there. I just need. So I just need a container for my thing Oh, look what I got everything
cheapest. Just disposable got a large patio umbrella. I don't even know that the great thing about so much that is made today if you can accept it, is that when you buy new, take it out of the box, and you put it together. The first thought you have is look at peace, a garbage looks ok but really garbage, and you just wait for it to become actual garbage what did? I tell you a little bit about me and vanessa's history, but it was interesting to talk to her because I hadn't seen her in a long time and she has been through quite an ordeal and she did come out the other side of it and she is working and doing it. You know only talked to a couple of ship comics and it's an interesting life and interesting world, but her journey all the way from childhood through to where she is now. I had no idea I I had no idea the depth and scope of what she'd been through
and where she'd been in the last few years and what she's been doing cause, she was she's one of those comics that was like that she's a he. She was about to happen about to happen in just a series of events. Did the trajectory of her life. Is me talking to a vanessa, hollingshead I should mention that. Does she also she had laryngitis when she was here. That was bad timing. So, if you go see her doing stand up in new york on the road, it's like. Is. She will not sound like this, though, so this is me and vanessa howlings. What do you do like music? I open my friends. He actually just a buddy, you evaluate. When I get. First development deal. the show I turned down the drew, carry show and that was to cost me. I remember Lucian, said well
You might have shot your last wild honey and you might never get another chance, but just get really funny great thanks pal, thank you and what I mean, what I I don't know what you ve been doing, but I do remember there was a time when we are all sort of work. Where did you come from reduce work? Has a member that You got some big opportunities with just like you were saying, drew carey, show and whatever, and we can talk about but a remember there was a time. When did you start doing comedy? I did many in ninety two I know you? I was trying to be a shake, sparing actress, You grow up york city and then in england, my dad, actually brought lsd into the country and gave it to Timothy leary. Your dad was the goat that he was the guy. Was he a scientist? MR drug dealer, I addict alcoholic, but drug advocate in at that time I mean lsd was sort of had to have
supposedly your mystical qualities. What was his trip? Did did he live? Do you remember him? Yes, I remember I am a believer. It hit me tim and bill w, believe it or not bill w is experimenting with lsd. They had the concord, prison experiment don't be from a for me. I that people got upset me. Taking acid cuz. I was like if you took said from our day, you lose you sobriety in there were like yes, but, unlike put buildable, you took it like one, he was trying to cure alcohol, yes, and he noticed- and I wanted to see god, but in the end he said you can. Same with the us baba ram. I actually took over see by accident, when I was five really yes embalmed us with which he gave me the shouted thorazine which it out the average it albert he was hanging I see your dad was in new york city or is it in london dad was near. He was. He got the lsd from albert
men in dead from dangerous short switzerland, the original, as is always see, it's called ellis le surging dolan, Matthias acid, twenty five, because the twenty fifth batches albert einstein was experimenting and damn he is sneezed breeze. from the earlier from awry seed to sneeze. When his no. She was bicycling through the streets of a basil switzerland and the next time use. in his brain jollier, so he got that was was due to got. It too huxley who is right. The doors of perception right. My dad was friends with huxley threw down from england from england. We from Darlington and how is he him with huxley all these guys, because he was a writer. Ok and my dad wrote the book the man who turned on the world and then dad leary lyrics, credit. Was that successful book it was pretty
sadly norman england and he gave lsd to Paul mccartney entering land in england and paul mccartney and they were getting the book. The tibetan book of the dead, we're so there's a song on the beatles called tomorrow. Never know you cause, I know, My dad wanted me, John Lennon. Andy only could meet palm shows like what you know. I mean I think, for arctic port really want John, but it all to you now and dumb enjoy the acid more enjoy John was more of a rebel and a rebel, and so they got it. At the tibetan book of the dead to John tomorrow never knows was inspired from taking lsd. then your dad comes here and what he's hanging out up at the mansion? You know this is early sixties right he's already. They got the acid or
sixty year. It was this right before the summer of love and everything slowed, but my tad my dad get this acid to somebody. tim leary was now express. Tinware was a psychologist to harbour and use I am really blue black waves, rummaging, so cyber names and My dad was such a connive or use very sure. It could meet anybody here and, as someone said, actually said meet this chap tim leary, so he goes to Jim, threatens to kill himself and tim we said, I think, he's a sociopath and my dad said you gotta, try the seller sterile run it's nothing like your magic, mushrooms and dumb who is smart, use a real ladies man, sulphur ferguson was maynard. Ferguson's wife does not require, yes, you said couldn't you put me up. I came all the way
TIM wanted to be nice and tim was like rid of the guy and the annoying british guy with a with a chemical that, I think, is a sociopath something off about him, but tim was a psychologist, so he knew Something was right. Yeah I had. I had the joy of having was a fire right, so we born. At this point yeah, I was born nineteen sixty right when all this it happening in at five, was when they had millbrook mansion five rover enough signal york when they put the allies the on the sugar cubes mirror my mom. Wouldn't let me have any candy and I just kept eating. bigger cubes. So here add turns of leery on and leery. I guess changes his mind about your dad. Well, flo ferguson, my dad gets a hold of flow ferguson, that's in the house and cambridge right and there's the house where the all these people were hanging out coming and going richard alpert and that whole bunch right and tim is a working at harvard and flow says to me. Gotta
try is amazing. He love flow here, so he the acid and he's like you know what I think took us ass. It goes wrong about you and I think this year, yet you man, worry you this in your hair. Is electric may call them divine rascal, where your dad was nice cause you find so he kind of followed that crew up to millbrook, and then you followed up to millbrook and then you got dosed when you were. My mom, I my mom, did know what to do with me. She was very upset sheets. She was actually she was american. She said when met your father, I hated all men and after I married him, I hated everybody what's, she was his secretary and she was she met me. Added oxford university press and she I want it to be a mom here. She was madly in love with a beer and he was a bit of a player so
tat marriage when south maternal weekly, the. How old were you like one and he was already seeing other women yeah yeah he was, and I have a sister and his step brother, and so when you why were you there? If here he was off and running, why were you in new york? He was he, he were you in his custody or a my mom wanted to set up, I'm putting us up for adoption, I guess I'll take care of her and my dad said bring it. There have some fresh air in the country. A country will do good and it was hippies royal mansion yeah those rooms filled with they would experiment, they would take an iguana and a rabbit and a monkey and give them all acid see how the eight dead and a baby and a baby yeah wanted to babies, yandy yeah wait so you're up there and how old are you that multi your five, so you have vague memories or no, I remember like something was really wrong that day, but we had to wait
the acid. Our remember like I was jump. My dad now I remember, I used to love, The tramp leaner, yet I remember jumping up and down on the trampoline and all of a sudden just some fluorescent worms everywhere in may and I remember going to see my dad and I started screaming for britta and we had Alex Alex is maynard Ferguson son. We both saw the same thing, and I remember she grabbed me in one hand and alex in the other, I looked at my dad and he said dad look pictures ripping look at my nails getting smaller, My dad was like got to the acid. I need to know how many trips I took to leave it on sugar cubes. So he said I m, I said you member would happen that day goes I remember I drove you for like most of twelve hours and you just said: look at the purple trees and I was mortified that you might have brain damage.
so he cared had a little shack in millbrook, mansion and eighth and he was just coming into. I think homosexuality is very taboo and richard albert like a bag of tricks. Just I remember getting. The shot of thorazine I remember like I I my I dad picking me up like this and the shot, and I was out and that was it. Wow is knocked out. me right now in the process that you woke up: you're, okay, yeah, it's great I just became a comedian, had nothing but dysfunctional relationships afterwards and hated myself worked out great so that you trace it back. To that I mean that so you're, five, then, sir, what is how do you grow up? You grow up with him or why did your mother think she take care of you,
come illumine, unglued ip ended up being in and out of many foster home suited me. I am I add was now they were starting, introduction of mkultra and the cia. I hold gordon Liddy surrounded. Gordon Liddy in leary ended up being on tour, like that the comedy shouting other, but you once ass, it was introduced in the sea. I got into a hold of it. They started you the experiments yeah, what it will they wanted to make sure that this is now my dad. My dad ended up going back to england cuz she wanted to take. He was going to be london affiliate ultra now I think the cia said either to It's what you know. You have twenty four hours to get out of the country
so he got it. When he got back to england, he started to get addicted to methamphetamines. My dad at a really bad hit: untreated, untreated alcoholism and methamphetamine issues. So he I addicted to the methamphetamine. This is when he gave a currently the lsd rigour and for two roaches godsend. Sixteen years. Sixteen years in wormwood does that sound like addictions, wormwood, skirt prison and he decided to be his own lawyer. Up and when he was high on acid, I another, like six months, the are the police getting ready to come in on angling, of the flesh the low and is to flush the low and the two roaches joints came up from the they have the roman police officer by what seems to be a looks what's to be to marijuana roaches and the maiden
I said well, that way, they belong in the joy. Let's just ask them yet so we went to jail for awhile. Sixteen it's and you are and then that's when he started going into foster homes or what I was going in and out of them to my mother. Put me up for adoption than three I was back with her then for I was with her somewhere else than five a little bit at millville. You have met the problem, no shoes, completely say, but I mean later by what was her true. I mean she just don't know trip was she was still alive he died and eight she died as six years ago we were the first time we were close. She, I was kind of like her mom and mother was one leg was like blanche to why but on drugs my mother had gotten brutalized and bed. Stuy beaten should got raped
and I was going to school and I was trying to not when listen to music the beatles and pretend enough follow. John marries me I'll be out of this and your father in jail, you just more talk and who is in jail and no one knew and my mother was so angry adam. She made sure we, he venture, we found me hired a detective found in Cambrai island and lived on the com unit. He was just a lot of commune. I lived a joyful commune got his girlfriend. he was now running the free heights which income bray, giving lsd, is that that was the island coast of scotland, giving lsd to him ass. He was really do the sixties years, he never got over the I dad the sixties are got their junk I need to move on. Was he like the guru of this island? It was he like. Was it a cold situation? Wasn't a cult situation. He just so believed in him. Leary were idea were more ideas,
They believed. If everyone could take lsd, they would god and the world would be a better place. I said but you having a lot of crazy people and young people. I don't have a shot living in harlem and living in in it's out of shot, they're, taking lsd and they're, not getting the same vision. You can control the substance with cute blonde hippie women that have sex with and lots of good food, in great things very, I said not everyone has that opportunity. He said that oh yeah he's just shut the fuck up you straight fucking shit. I mean he would just get so angry and if I order you when you say that there are like twelve twelve thirty three but like what were the foster homes. Like I mean what was that they were awful. They were awful, but the one, the one home thank add this woman I was, I lived at.
four hundred and ten central park west, when I was twenty one, when I was three see. My best friend was to her mother noticed that I would run around with no very little clothes on and she said, used to know some people's doors, and I don't have any recollection asking people for food. You always detaining, and you begin good friends with my little daughter, gracie and gracie, and I, to this day we're still best? living. We we've got this like it's beyond sisters like her. Mothers saved my life. I know he said I will always take care of erasing, but her mother said I'll, never get like going over to your mother's place. it missed a lot of school and we were in bed stuy now and my mother had like her teeth, knocked out and br, and I would have to go visit her and I didn't know what would take place. Zira and I had been brutalized by a member state
and this is when I just believe that there's gotta be some god, a member, the this gang of kids broken, and I was like you know, eight and remember to just broken, and I just was just like Nothing would happen to me and and they said, where's the money and I said the refrigerator, and it was just like thirty. Five shit and they through the change on the floor, they just walked out. I remember thinking something has gone be looking out for me and by big ray said, you would miss six months, a school you're going to put you in a foster home and you will choose instead, if you never would know reform school, he never would year. So she took me in and surely jake graces, mom change your child, Jews, german and remember, reading about the holocaust, and you know reading about this and, I said, came over school mike. Why did you hear
six million. She was lack of. We did not kill six million jews. Hitler was Austria, weird german. He did that so I was like they were nothing to do with it. Nothing. We had nothing to do with the sure. So, okay, and that's where you primarily grow up with her family for one year then my dear add finds me he's in Cumbria IRA. He becomes friends or this woman myra Coppersmith, Crazy do woman would just larger than life. Woman has like an with her and goes you get vanessa back just get it cumbria, island and well, we just gotta. So she, meet me she's, like a our. She ends up being completely the docks chew, like marries like
now miriam jobs in Israel and I ended. meeting bob Dylan because her husband mayor, we have good friends, bob Dylan, so merry said. I'd love to be like your mother and a member state. Should me to James taylor and carole king in Brooklyn let us all world and with the on dope them was she a druggie She was myra, dragging up myra like pot. I remember we she liked pot, a member. She never wore a bra and yes, she had like the the one size just like all, which was hippy and her husband knew Dylan. Has dylan years later, she converted she went from being reformed orthodox buddhist to being devout forward without fear, and I have one dealing with that too that dylan was just I remember, meeting dylan years ago, like in nineteen, ninety, like one, ninety, ninety one and she It's me over to a seder which I've never been to, and there was abdomen and there was these three
rabbis that were very funny. I remember Gillian any just like he just completely fell right in his food, and I said to our marry my said I think This is, I think, he's on something stronger than manischewitz wine is fell. Food fell, in his food but I'll forget, we're both washing our hands and we had to like wash likewise stands, and I was like Spock part time and I was like I couldn't like when you talking Keith and, I was say, hey I love, lay lady lay lay. That's you. It goes you like started kommeni comedy like wow, that's brave bob Dylan.
Abdullah thought I was brave, so that was that late, so you'd already started doing comedy when you were just six months in. I was just six months and so you'd do that with my restorative like evolve, but you stayed with big and little grace for awhile and then like. Where did you end up? You know the commune my dad marry him put me in this commune and there were all the draft charges marry him. She'd be Myra became maria. They were all the draft dodgers from cornell university ithaca and she said I It rule cause she's like will be like the mother. You never had to take care of you, so I guess this commune there's no elect city, kid from brooklyn. I love bologna, sandwiches and hot ants in barbie doll you these eat milk. The go you got to pump water well, like growing pile everywhere people having sex. This is really too much
much and I had live in my own. My own fire like got all the skills if ever go off the grid, so they She never told me that they asked her to leave. They said we have to two weeks exacerbate you leave, but we want the little girl to stay. I thought Myra didn't want me. dad's or to renew my dad is furious. Admirer cause Myra said. Listen, I was supposed to bring you. Back to island, but he dads, not very nice, he's mean he's, got a dark side, yeah and I remember my mother saying scattered dark side darkside, so in a year from year later, my dad drove up to the commune and flipped out, because
if he goes. The reason why this commune exists because of me cause. I gave you asked that all this fucking free fucking loves me just leave me the fuck alone or shoot all of you fucking fox. So that was my dad and here the commune so he's held- hold up in this yurt like thing, and wondering very polite with them and you like to well. You know your dad's really violent and then he says to me of each way she goes. It is less of a choice. You can either state this home, you will you come too If you said come you never ever fucking see me again or come to Boston, cambridge, so was now fitting in in the commune old you I was twelve now and keen sub no nineteen, seventy three, seventy four thirteen and I didn't it- was the first time this kind of reunited with my dad again and it in you know when
you have not had a father or mother, could look at something clear and no it's your blood right, just even if its drunk blood, I blame right whatever I look at my dad's eyes and go, I know those eyes and I loved him. I looked I. I look My mom was like an enigma, and my mom always told me. I never really a jealous of women, my mom said you can Anyone you want to be and look, however, you want looking. Only I to do is look like her rife and without t thing knocked out little out over her treasures, so you go to Boston, so go to Boston and they started, the busing when there is so much racism and anti semitism in just disgusting like I grew up with black kids, there was no pressure sir, in on you in black neighbours. So dad semi to private school said I don't want you do
I wonder: when beat the shit out of you and he was with this new woman oral. So now I'm introduced to what it's like to be with an hour. All the likes. Seen here and- the two sides to him and when my dad was on he was, charming, as can be, and the dark side was he would punch through all through the. Why took my guitar one single smashed it and then I remember he said in the next time I drink a little too just put on the beatles we can work it out. I'm like is that, before or after my, my my phonograph just tell me so I was I learned really young. If I was sarcastic and didn't raise my voice. I could say I always spoke. If I loud with my dad cause. I was seeding resume rage that your left us here who give violent. So those are the roots of the hit yeah
not a lot guided by time. Your anything right, see you, sir. You you go through high school in Boston. I finish high school in a year and a half finished prep school grab with honors and my dad decides he hates americans, get to england, you have the english with america Margaret so he leaves me in Boston And now I'm like kind of homeless for a few and and then I rejoined them in london, but I had friends by now, but I was I was experiment. He knows ice lol, my virginity very early. I'm thirteen, how that happen. My this older kid and I was drinking- and I was very little- AL gore royce, get sick and then
slept with my with one of my teachers at prep school here were team fourteen five and fourteen I didn't know he could have gotten a lot of trouble. I really did. keep. I really never reported him, but I'll never forget. I wonder philosophy? Award view regret now, reporting. now you know what I don't I now like. You know what I don't, but you know when you've been like. Wrongly touched the mistreated like it's, I was talking to somebody about sexual predators like for someone survived it. If our we've. What is listen? You mine to take a shower naked, I'm like you can make me sick, celine, your movie peers, the soul is my guess right not, but my when Jeannie said when you
I've been touched inappropriately, it's inappropriate when someone's been inappropriately they don't know the diff send its all about that there's, no boundary. There is no ban tree so so you're saying that you are a few months on your own homeless and you start what you started doing drugs and stuff or no, I never. I went back to the commune and I couldn't go back to who's flying back and forth. I know my friend frank moss, from the commune. I was in new york. I im going if the guy pay for my bus ticket boston yeah. Now I'm like fifteen, I'm like now, I'm fifty add a high school finish early, I'm starting to put on a lot of weight. I don't know What's going on I'm coming into I'm just feeling not really drinking or drugging that much. I'm really am. I just wanted to look like a skinny model, and I just so unsure myself and I went
to the commune and you couldn't go back. So I ended up stay with my friend s dolan, who lived the commune and I got a job as a dishwasher. I could I was trying to get waitress work and I was so shy. I was painfully shy, owed or cunningly any money and as long as why don't you use your acting ability? Please do just go. I said what was it work with a british accent, work with a british accent than you did with her a refund for all the time allowing kush. So I said I'm always wondering: if If any waitresses just came from london and would really like to work here is like
you don't need any waitresses. We need a dishwasher, fine I'll, take a beer dishwasher dishwasher. You had to do the accept for eight hours I had so much or so played. I said, as I got the job, but I'm a dishwasher, but for eight hours, talking to british accent, row she's. Like although we were so does from the no no no you're, not a mega. You know I can't like the role of a lifetime all of, and then I told my dad, my dad's laughing on the phone, and I'm like you find this funny dad. This is my acting role. This is the world is my oyster here they were arose. It'd be a wonderful story, darling and around your ankles the engine room, one funny, rarely I'm if you for you, work on your accent,
make again my saviour saving grace, I'm like EM dishwasher in rochester, with the british accented site that you just come back to proclaim, well figure something out and she sees me and I'm like black hair. gentle lipstick, fifth, he pounds- and I remember I, grace and shoes. I like terrified make what happened to you. and then she goes. You look healthy. Like It means that she's like no, no we're put you want to know we're going to going to I see good nutrition. As she said now, you of your choice, you're either going to go to betty owen, secretarial school and I'm like I am into the grades I was mentioned. or you can be a hairdresser because he to get my doll share care cuts so
betty own secretarial, school and it one day when you get ready to win your oscar, you go. Thank your typewriter. Yeah was the slowest one in the class, but I type like twenty. Two words a minute, but never knowing it'd, like my saving grace and are used and get nervous when enough have to take typing task. Here I was with, tv I was just said, I was trying to go to Now I got x, I got a scholarship to Lee. Strasberg got accepted and why you. We have that all happen, are you a distant? Firstly, strasbourg theatrical and when you are at the weekend I was eighty after you did the secretarial school. We got a job in the city and you're gone, and I will attempt by was now a temple over. The loss of this is in new york and I would always fail at the typing ro. I learned how to see the chest I that they would turn it around used to be a lot easier to cheat. So I would take the actual test.
slowly and say: I'm ready for my typing test. It will be the action I remember like it was already written. I remember getting in an mtv. I was at mtv when that just opened with that whipping their temping there and they said wow type. Seventy six words a minute so you. When did you audition strasbourg? Strasbourg was when eighteen this is when you were camping and I just started something I had a work before I could get my typing up. I was working is cashier. I had a work as an like a sandwich maker. Couldn't I had to get my typing skills up, and I knew that if someone would hire me, I would practice. So that's why I had to cheat and then big race was like
If you got a lie to survive, you do it, you gotta, do don't lie unless it's to survive, then you can lie as eyes like our thanks for the wisdom. So what happened to strasbourg strasbourg ways? The most you got in there, you are guided and when I got in, I was so happy like. I study with AL she teacher charlie. oh yeah, I just watched how long or how long you there like four years, really addition, there you went there to work as a temporary. No addition ere, I first class I had to pay for And it was all I see so then they are pretty. You like, you could work and mama teacher said she's, she's, talented leap she put in a word for Nanos barber party that sidney parties, cousin and I remember thinking that I went
She said you know why you're in my class- and I said well, obviously cause must have seen something and it was it killed her to see. No late You add some emotional issues, because you are painfully shy and I'm a psychologist and an acting teacher and they thought you'd Well with me. That was hot. I started to excel, but I remember the. First time I learned about method. Acting humiliating cause? I thought you just think you talented you just think that you got Yeah and I'm doing my monologue em over acting and I'm just like an in the train. This came no one It's no one even gave a damn yeah seen and she burst out laughing. My teacher burst out laughing the students burst out laughing and I start to feel the heat in on the the heat starts to yeah.
and she's like then I'm going to call you Yvan. I want you to do that again, but just say to say say the words say the word blind and just say the words to speak, and I started to speak. I started to feel connected with one eye was speed, king and the emotions just came out of something organic and she said that is the beginning of act. that was like the beginning. That was the journey for four years for years. And then, when did when when, and how do you start doing, did you did you go was was the only school you did was the method studio was which- Worker was method in america. Each year is, like you know, Is this when you need it, if your emotional don't this- is
now throw out everything you learned run when you get to that like learn all this reactor order right, sir, No, I was in my early twenties easier, my dad. Was now now on to the next woman sister was already born. He met a woman in london. I moved back with him briefly in london. Then he moved. He lived at three fifty five, the street, and he gives me that place. and I'm living with again all these hippies. You can hear him having sex and was just you and then your new twenties. Now, I'm in my twenty and work and like a dog, I'm working like eighty hours dean into LUCA mac whirr year. Ninety some. this was no nine. Eighty nine night right and. No eighty like the eightys, the eighties and long story short nineteen,
or he dies bigger east eyes, My life is, I, like your old man, dies ambit great the same year here the same year and I'd been in a fight with big race. We'd never fall. We did we always made up, and I was that was it tuesday we on a tuesday and I couldn't stand getting along with her? And I went to court on thursday. is Adam she's gone. She died She ended up. Having ended up having like a leg amputated should know she had diabetes to say I loved her and then my dad was screaming at me for his old girlfriend, never got to say of him, so I just screaming and then no idea how he there he died in Bolivia. I believe it was from a bleeding ulcer, but I believe it was due to these said they were running and show job a plantation which I think they were
cocaine plantations, job recovered it he was getting thinner and send me pictures is to write. Tiny cars in prison. He learned really well here is right. Was now getting like just erratic. He was getting thinking, something's, not good here and he passed away. and we were always fighting by this point and and big race. Help me to bigger said he's like rumble still can you seem like, is a cartoon character or seem as a cartoon character, and Forget he would start yelling she a horn just like just with the sworn simon. Like my dad screaming at me, I'm like dad, can you hold Secondly, what what the fuck is this and they are- everyone here and hangs tweet just laughing with sheet, she took away the she helped. Like She gave she humanized the whole situation. She made him more. She made.
or cartoon like made, my ray and his insanity more probable and they both die the same same year, terrible that was, it was a shitty year and that was like in the eighties in eighty four, my dad said the world is gonna end nineteen, eighty four, any s world was gonna end and nineteen. Eighty four, it's like he saw his iron ran from. Listen. I don't never forget. When big raised My mother and I went up to the roof. I was into wishing you were here by chicago and said, you must feel like you lost your own mother, she's, more of a mom than I ever went. I was like yeah. but you still my mom eel, always be my mom, but she so that it We took me two years to recover from that, and so I was who associate as I began. To understand
recovery, addiction, codependency dependency, thoroughgoing. meetings. I started going, meaning the potential drinker drinking a little, but I knew I was like. I can't be like my dad. I cannot so I was barely had a problem, but I something said just go to and Then I at twenty nine. I was in a story I wanted, unlike did One is to be a cop on a series of just one, an act now manifested secretary like You are living in a story living in a story, and my friend said he know what, when you tell me what you do day at work as it's so much funnier than shit, I see on tv, you should be comedian. My oak staff were know she is telling you funny
that's cause. You know you love me, I'm telling you you're funny strike it. My come and I'll. Never forget that I see no need to within two years I did developmental and every then came together when you go where you going first how'd, you start at gladys, is commonly called I brought all the girls from the office and I went on like hours later and I remember getting on stage going it we will. No one even laugh at richard pryor. If he came on at this point. The second I was and stay here I was like I'm home like no one could take this away from me. Cuz, I would always be doing, plays if I could, always like the director, the actor the and then I was a musician too. I was always getting the band together. Learning the songs trying to get the gigs and I'm like. If do this on my own, no one I
only let myself down and I could be into and I won't need to rely on anybody for anything, don't need anybody, routine you around early on, I guess at the stripper or stanhope new york, and he did some. Your big brought the brassy axe, he did some characters right, and but you are you are, you are definitely a High energy and I d really got the crowd, you know, and that was like right from the beginning. You were doing it like that. Yeah I went to audition for Lucian, ocean hauled yeah Friend, said the comic strip and right whisper no, no we're not part owner wanted to be they never. Let him they really He's your million years a narrow. Let him get a piece of never let him any always are never forget when he got deathly ill and I said Lucian
we gotta. Let them know you need help you. You can't go on like this and I was like basically a nurse by now and bandaging him up and it's like no can't know. Cause. I might lose my job. Don't lose all lose my job and it was the first time I was like holy shit, you're vulnerable felt like, like you know, the wizard of oz. Your eyes, interesting lights, will get to that socio in ninety two. You start doing comedy in new york clubs. Did you get past where repass where'd you workin we're out? How did gay rooms I couldn't get any I was on michelle ballads? You know michelle balin. I think I remember she said you can come up with us to provincetown, but you have to do some gay songs and be gay, but I'm not gay cycle you're going to have to act. cause I'll get stage time here. So we had to do so. I went up there and I was like
and I got one of my jokes from there cause. I was like well you're going to come on me want me and I'll be straight and- one of them look my way and michelle said cause you don't smile, wouldn't kill you to smile. where and then illusion they said I was told he was satan. He would lose for he will dont get with him he will destroy you, the mid nineties, him he had the know he was. The entry way to the comic strip right and had been for years, yes, and he saw saw on the on the gate keeper at the gate, yeah I have to tell it comes in and comes out, usually really full of himself did you audition for yes, I was in there for an hour, and michelle
I knew how badly wanna vivacity come ashore by your blowing up like that later a past. He passed me and egoism, you. Do these characters? I don't know anything about you. but I'm an actress. Well so Say me me who's! So good! Well, but I am well so you say no offense! I don't know you now. I want you to go on stage and just talk to the audience I don't like not they're here, to listen to me now. there there because you need to like eyes, to say it or not. If it goes well at that time I wear. who from you just may submit not going to get laughs and I'll. Never forget it goes vanessa, Can you permission to buy
It was like one of the, so let me kind of bomb and a remember going wanted that do how that help you it maybe I feel the recently someone in my corner. If I didn't do well, I'd get a spot and he would only give me spots like a tuesday night once every eight nine weeks- and I was he was over talking politics and everyone always talking. They would just have my notebook and be shy. and he'd say you should talk to people It goes a u lesbian. When now I'm smart one, if a guy comes in here with his notebook he's straight. But if I sit here with my notebook among lesbian, he goes well, you were wearing we jacket, you have short hair, you have magenta lipstick, you don't talk to anyone and you told me that you and province town kekuit, could sit. And then Denis Oglethorpe was his dearest friend. was going to this church and
Lucian I like no one knew this. I I love, I think more than I was. two more than he love me. I He went to the unitarian church, yeah yeah. I was going to this other church and they got this like southern windbag menace and it was around easter. and I just asked mature he goes, she goes unitarian universalist the only time you hear Jesus is the janitor. Stubs is taught her. Would you like to join me for easter? He just lost his best friend Dennis is literally, and he liked me and all I'm hearing is satan, you'll be destroyed.
At work for nothing you'll. Never if you sleep with this guy you're done your history allies with that. Why do people say that that's what they said, I don't they were frightened of the men were men and women were intimidated by reason. Alright, so you go to church with them, go to church with them, and then we have adding to talk about, you, can come up the podium and speak of my mother. Finally, got hired at the welfare office after being on welfare. For eighteen years the It's finally gives her job working, a welfare thought, my hippy parent jokes, my mother stuff. He thought it was all she said seem very well rounded grounded said that your really, I said yeah goes that was, made. Me said you do at the church. I did at the church. I said my mother: did drugs
He finally gets hired at the welfare office and she gets fired. She was like last hired first fired and he said then he said. Would you like to grab some lunch? I'm like alright, and he said I'm your dad. You you, joke about our stay in area said no. No, that's really true. Then, is an intriguing, very intriguing and then his friend dennis wolf bird to hide and he was kind of planned. me, I could tell it- and I was like this- is really fucked up. I'm attracted to him, but this is fucked up, but his internet think streak. It was like so taboo that it was exciting, but so tabooed only resolve club owner, who is a club owner who is also a father figure in ever had he also was shelly removed, which made me so sweet love with longing. He had a like the trifecta of being the perfect kind of
stop nest for me to just want. He was an explosive. Was no, but it was his way or the oth drawn withdrawn and removed, and I just would win my love would win them over. I wanna pounding at the door. Yes, I would win over, but the only moved in together. He seldom, I said, listen I change well come on the phone. A lot takes me a couple of hours to drama here, but other than that I have a really effervescent personality. Now. Is there anything I already know about you keep it would see in bed. It goes on. If, if you on disappoint me in any way I will hold on my love from you, like, oh oh and you like great,
graham and I was like yeah, I know literally great I'm moving in. I will not disappoint so so, Doing comedy a couple years, two years: and then you get seen by who get seen by Amy, intricate, so Davis it was. I huge showcase, a caroline's. She was supposed to be montreal comedy festival, tony she was now was my my you are right and I said he'll turn. You gotta work. Let me I want to work as a new stuff. We first time I was a caroline that ever I had so many laughs in my life, I didn't even like. If you I seen the original tape. When you look at it, there's a I'm just registering getting so many laughs joy like we lose that of ever like watched, you sets when there is joyfulness here and then you trying to be so technically proficient nail your bets and get that you. If I get to see help right and I want you love, sir. So was good night
It's a great night. Was there a major cancer davis said we sent out a fly to five hundred people. She was the one and she said I was the one person didn't go to montreal comedy festival. She goes I want to see you in my office weeks, your entire life's to be different. So I bring my contract in to my camp play. Some like this is really like me, I don't even take it seriously and she says she takes the tape. I take this. never knowing that that worked. It was going to get me sixty meetings in all olaf's angeles and drew carey, but If I out here a meeting for me
then these are for meeting after meeting after meeting get a development you they all want to give me development. Is they all want dream and I feel, like I feel like cinderella like I didn't know what was happening for you and Jeff Abigail who's out there? He wrote the show called the billy club car. She warner said please going to bed. This would only news had to be loyal to go with you. Don't just. I didn't know burden hand is better than two in the I didn't know law. If I would have known what I knew now I wouldn't have been, but I just felt loyalty, so I drew carey, wait until you're, going out with the guy who is on my porch right now, with his show in in karshi warner was just bringing him in as a writer she wanders like they gotta show. Yet we gotta show the billy club, which he wrote. They said just stay with us finance
they offered you the deal the deal. This will give you one hundred grand right and we've taken you off. Market, I had a meeting embassy, they said. Look at this drew carey show here The pi labour, I will write you a six lead and give you two hundred and sixty grand vizier. Please we wanted you to be with us, yeah and carson wonders like. Can you give a third leading of you and I'd never like this is someone who didn't know love from. Like you, don't have any representation I heard age Tony Camacho, and Camacho, wasn't sure who to talk to and ice like lenny and george of mason, and I swear to god. I just and I didn't know what was happening and I just verges told it together and I turned down the drew carey show remember singing thinking Kathy was funny.
The one with all the make up drew. I thought you remind me like clark. Kent, like I wasn't, but the billy club, was a cop knew. I wanted to be a cop and then that show. Never happened, and everyone in new york was a little bit jealous of me. There were some well known comedians that were like oh oce. Does that performance art shit whenever she does her she's fucking, the owner, I read whatever is nasty for doing characters and you're dating lucian, and you got this over a hundred, I wasn't quite aiding and everybody knew or thirty. Likewise, I remember there's stuff go and I remember the reaction was more about. Like you know, we've been doing it right you. You know how did she get that two years and who is she doesn't work at the real clubs right right, So when Lucian wanted to be out with us, unlike like I have everything, proof is not one can,
I will say we're together when I'm past and every single club- and it's on my you won't say you're in love with me. They started dating yeah, that's what happens in a day or so you come back with your hundred grand combat. No, I give him back a city. Just take me off the list, here, you can have like forty was well worth, gave it back willing to give, I just gave make their money. Why wouldn't let me addition for anything? I just sitting there pilot the pilot to pilot or they were, hold on yes for a yeah, they sit on get me out of this deal and that so I just in four said. Susan was back to back with Janeane garafalo there, like hi janine, narcotic quest kathy griffin bouquet. in between and they got stuff and I got I went from being, you know how ice cold and
solution, said well: gonna set make yourself undeniably funny now I submit. I am funny, goes no, no you're going to be funny, and that is. I submit up a. Surely I get another chance. He goes you might not, but he said you will always be able Do this till the day you die stand up, stand like what nursing goes provide you don't get out if lose your mind, your natal over yourself. You will always have a skill. Had such a way of. Thank you lucian. You think I Maybe I want to teach art or something so so you come back.
Common community then they're all around mantle. Oh, no, no they're like like that. I'm nasa we ve got our own back nice, beginning failure, he's a fucking shit. Now you're gonna be funny right, you're yet begun funny and you start digging loose started dating lesion ass did the sour and you gotta have never selling. I was the one with few uni star living with him started living with him and he'd already had scleroderma I just I thought I it was lupus and had elliot more slower, durham. What is that exact hardening of the skin is scleroderma- is like greek and what happens is you skin? Over produces collagen. well how'd he loses his fingers couldn't get circulation cause the blood ghak. This was like squaring. is everything is so tight here and he said:
he described the pain he said if you play baseball he my fingers are so delicate that if I was playing softball and a softball was going to hit me in the crotch as a man. I would let it hit me in the crotch before we train greer, because everything I could fingers closed his heart too much and em. He's an always trying to find gloves form, in, but I was now I've been in a four for years, no desire to drink with even think I had a drinking problem. We feel that a lot of other problems I remember that I start. To take anti depressants, which I knew nothing about, and I started. up and up cause. Then huge, how like wild animal at night. This is when there was a secret solution that no one knew thickness the sickness and the fragile ness of them.
Which he kept hidden and I kept it hidden for him. Yeah, but how like a wild animal- and I said you got to get some help here and research, the fentanyl patch, which you didn't have addiction issues, I did. I had no issues with that and I noticed that I watched a tape and I was. I was no longer myself like it was a there. You're consumed by his sickness. I was consumed by sickness, but I lost my soul. I was watching myself to a set. Some like you, I wanna. So I do the comedy central presents and I watch one of my sets and I'm like is no soul. My souls gun this medication is, the entire depressing that I was in cry ended Jim up. How hey lucian, you like it
music. I wasn't affected by music sunsets, nothing mattered. It was just when you thought it was the medication. I knew it was the medication, but I didn't realize that it was now. my personality, so I went. We were Starting have marital problems. when you get married. We Mary well even want to get married and already been. Twice, and michelle is old, wife and I used to work in the office together we got married fourteen months before he died. Having marital problems, marital problems, then I tried to get pregnant. I had a miscarriage, and then had the miscarriage- and I was like the beginning of how many cruel jokes is going to play- how many times serving good, so you make it. He put your best foot forward, stiff upper lip and I just started to get angry at god. Unlike everything that I wear I'm unwilling to work. Everything that mattered is just take from me.
I remember they had a tour of the middle east and I remember saying I have to do something life affirming now, and at last the baby add the miscarriage like. I had it. In my hand, like looked like a heart like a just and lucian- was I'm sorry honey it all. It's not meant to be course I would have loved to have been a father, but with this too What disease might have been too much I went to the Middle east, a comedy tour on a comedy tour and then we were newly married and more study have problems as the middle east is a It was one of the happiest during the most happiest times I've ever had in my life performing for these guys, and I knew some of them wouldn't come back. I was the us, so I wasn't always learning first towards that went out. We are- and I was there for a month while And we were newly married and I was trying
get a hold of him to tell him, I loved him, and he would be so sweet honey, em tool for one? in golf I'm doing very well like his golf game, was more port and then me loving. He couldn't he couldn't ever get out of that detachment and When I came- and this is where we differed- and this is where I learned about men and women when I came home. I wanted to surprise her. He knew how hard it was for him to drive here, so he was going to pick me up and I wanted him to like see me. Throw me on the floor. Make passionate love oh you're home I wasn't expecting this I was like I was gone for an I remember- you, surprised me- I surprised, some hiring you bill. I all nessa. Yes, my wife, I love you, how was it news like
Oh, I was right in the middle of putting up some paintings of yours Oh you just surprised me. You know I don't like I'm like, and that was there connect and I remember we had a huge fight and I slam the door and broke shot all glass and I was waiting for him to just go you just immature child here and he sat me down and he said, vanessa, there's a difference between a demand and a request, and if you just accept me for being who I am, I might surprise you by doing some of the things you might like, and you did everything to be the perfect wife for me. Or did you ever ask yourself if I was the perfect man for you.
and I never did. I was so busy wanting to be the perfect wife for him and then, as he was getting sicker and sicker, you know our love changed and it'd be. He was the one protected me now the what protecting human rights- and that was- That was when you know. That was when I ended up going off on the deep end with drink, I didn't know. I didn't know what an alcoholic I was I know where he died, a directory dying, you know you were there till the end. You know next to him and he was here in the room when he passed, I will I couldn't
we were having marital problems, so I wanted the last six months and he got told to put his papers in order, and I was I wanted to move back with him. We only separated for a few months because they said, can you we get couples counseling, because you knew I was going to die when you married me, you knew that I said, but among Vacation occasion goes, let's not my problem, I didn't tell you to medicate yourself, I said this is like lowest w and bill w gauze but we're not and I'm not and just vanessa His get tough and you just run away. Just go run run run, and I I just wanted him to get a little early. That's all I wanted was to marital counselling. So we can understand that this was killing me and he would you and then my therapist said he's on the tail end vanessa.
Getting ready to die. You're everything to live. You guys are not so I called up his friends and I said, listen make them food help him drive be there. I can't do that and do not tell him. I told you to do anything. I have not. You didn't hear these phone calls, so I didn't want him well avast, dignity, meeting behind his back, so they were making them food, certain people work sucks to him and he knew when he goes in of nice. To me now just passed, it's kind of sad. You surpass people cause, they were funny now you make me so I could give you tuesday night when he was starting to get like the dislike. The giant was beginning
tip like it's like the old dog, was beginning to breakdown breakdown, he's getting hump. We owe you their humble vulnerability to it. Yeah made me just get so protective, and so he came back. I can't know how this was. What killed me. I solution. I really think I should come we don't have to have sex yeah. I know that's right and we really couldn't by now- and I said I'll sleep on the couch sleep with you. I really don't care, you need some any goes. I've never been so happy, I'm in pain, but
comedians visit me. They bring me food, they talk to me. I I hold court here, a few come back, so we take it away. I thought I noticed the light to shine and he had his moment. He let so many other people shine and I was like okay so I like gotten tenure garden that stuff going yeah yeah. So then I was at the brugada and am now seeing him like a mountain them. Do the schedule were key, unlike it. You can do this schedule yourself and I'm like. I knew that if I stopped waking up
he would have no reason to live, so my instinct was just keep them alive. so I called the regard. I met the regard, I'm like Lucian, I'm on my way home and he's like I'm so in love with my wife, put on music. Can you remember to, snapple free like this was not him like the days bird numbered knew We've got to get. I've got to get home and monday. He was going to do the schedule and see the auditions and remember was like throwing up like like yogurt we'd gotten now he's about one hundred and thirty pounds, skinny and They they brought the auditions. Camera rigged up is so
I said: Lucian you want it. You want to see the audition, as is like. Not just stop hassling me vanessa, just stop at just. Let me sleep, like now this is the third time I got yelled at by somebody I loved right before they die an authority and that, tuesday when we had to go to the schedule, I always would be like I knew something was off so said: he loves old movies. Let me leave the old movies on. Let me leave the lights on just so when he wakes up, he won't feel alone. Cause something's off here and then tuesday he was in his chair legs were opened. He was wearing like a like a burgundy bathrobe and, like this but his legs always closed and was like Lucian here due to schedule like,
you really do go into denial. When someone dies, you don't like you bought. You act like this to the schedule lucian. Up wake up here and I called lenny marcus and lenny Lenny he's not Funny got to like him over here and lenny was Lenny. He's gone, I said: please, you can't leave me. He came over yeah, it was comedians calling and then immediately. schedule was over running the comic strip and forget this one convenient I was wondering if I could switch spots unlike it's a little hard right now cause lucian. Just I like call later.
Cause two hours later is like this is so fucking comic, I'm may man, I'm sorry, but can you switch is found me so so that was so that this horrible there was really that was pretty bad. I just started, I thought I'd grief drinking and when he died he was taking. I remember like I'd already We got really junk nears really take. No, never all those years. Drinking when he died. Forty four leah and am. I remember like giving him percocet. If you release and walter was with me one day she took dinner she's like three.
hours to eat what that guy, like yeah she's like wow cause, you eat everything so right Joyce. He got was being able to eat. So I learned how to cook food really Well, he loved wine so as he wished, they drank and I'll. Never forget, saying the wine tastes disgusting. Remember like getting ready to make the size and he was like our part in all just in the Pain- and I couldn't I just I remember going I the bottom, taking the taking a big, ass, a rank down and I'm like it was as if like everything became like them: yellow, brick, road, all of a sudden. Everything stopped hurting an attitude. Smile on my face and I was like
lucia, yeah yeah. Any and it's an anti glass- and I was like I finally yeah It- was There was not happiness now. You're scared, like here you're drinking, I'm like and his look was terrified terrified I said. I don't know what I'm going to do without you and he goes. I don't know what you're going to do without me either, and I didn't know that was, I didn't, know One glass of wine a year was going to be two and a half bottles a day. Yeah. And that's where that's where you ended up, I ended up I didn't know that you couldn't mix pills with bows and I was at. I was at broadway communism hip up thing here.
I usually pull my pants down to a hip, hop version of the beatles rap and I usually pull my pants down from my ass and I'd taken the volume, the antidepressants the alcohol go up one stage and the words like I'm, looking with the words like, I can't get the words up, I know em, I'm like this is really wrong in the audience I'm seeing going like this, russia's changing and now their tariffs, like, and the mop top and and and my dress I pulled down my higher underwear skirt lake completely exposed and dustin dustin chafing gets me stage and
there was a guy, paulie and polly said: get girl a cab and eat she's, nothing but a drunk she's, a loser, she's, nothing, but I in drunk and polly said this girl. Well more heart and talent in her finger than any you fox who said, you're nothing but a, these comedians no recollection. I was so The next thing I knew I was spread on my lore would the keys and then no recollection ivan got home, and then I thought that no one would know problem I might have had so called christmas. Mozilla is, I think, I'm taking a little too much pain. I think I'm allergic to some of these allergy medications. Like really jelly, sir, it's good to know. China
I was wrong. It was clear, allows mixing I got off all the pills, so he was good worried about you. I'll more gave me another chance. It give me another chance. So how long were you of fucked up? I was That's when it started to cost me. I was fucked up probably for that year and then I started trying to get sober And I couldn't stop, were you ever? I was living on I was living on twenty St Nathan. Down illusions place couldn't whose was like couldn't live there I couldn't. I was did he leave anything yeah yeah? He left me. He. He told this The core didn't tell me so narrowing adapt goes vanessa gave me the happiest years of my entire life. In spite of this,
militating disease and corey was cry, and I was like Corey. Why didn't over tell me that she goes. I don't know, but he told Me- and I wish I knew what it felt like to be loved like that vanessa, someone loved you like that wish you knew I just tell her the last moment by somebody else: that'll fuck, her up you're a little funny. Funnier right, I don't know sir device Parents always think they're doing you a favor making you tougher reiser near. I don't know it's hard to understand the dynamics we seek out your mother anorexic, Yeah hearing you talk so honestly and just thinking wow, it's it's like.
with so much heart and what you said one time I was watching you. I don't even think you remember this. I just really I loved you. I love. The fact that you were you weren't fully, you were full of energy, but full of energy and self deprecating. You don't say. his stool? And yet, like some, my a John lennon. That kind of thing forget. I was sitting right here and I was getting ready to watch you and you went vanessa. Now that's intimidating. I remember thinking I said you I may I would I would I ever intimidate- and I said I'm here for you cause you're brilliant and you like She's got that we're very intense. You know you're very intense, so Unlike you I know I know that's why that's connect we're going to be talking cats. Really.
Yeah really do that's it's alright. So, but did you well? How long did it take you to get it together? How far did you fall? I just I'll I was a stay and knows no drinking a little. But what now is drinking in the morning you yeah like wine. And I was with a pod head, so he get high and this month I couldn't you like. I was undeniable I'd be working be out on a date search talking about Lucian just start crying and so. Drinking just began to escalate, but I started drink very well. I started to not check my texts, it. You know note the do not write things on facebook because you think your poetic do if drunk texts, boyfriend, not a list of rules, idol list of rules and post its- and I will always always like- have my cats with me.
the care, how many cats did you have then twenty and twenty one two brothers Moran and so loud Was that how did you hit bottom? What happened? It was only like the cat, forget it like I never to be like. I was always the sad sap. I was either very flirtatious or m, or just our cry and I'll never forget. They came in my cat would either be my drawer keeping me company or beyond. tape would be on the chair and I drunk too much and I just went to go through the cat. so gentle with them and a remember, the cat, just the little leg like the little leg just to his cat was fine, but the little leg like just went like that, and that was my mom like no, no, it's one thing that I self destruct, but I'm not taken,
a cat with me or you hurt it's way. I thought I heard it's like I didn't, but it was enough grabbed it to me and I started sobbing sobbing and I started going to a and that wouldn't work that didn't work either and now it's scared, then I was getting time and losing time getting time like wait. A second isn't helping any of the guys. Nobody, no one, and I didn't I just thought you go day and you don't want to drink now. Then I had to take to. I'll never forget I would drink like I would drink like this. If I was drinking not I learned how to take the smell, ray smile distance like you, learn all these little secret, but I wasn't I myself, I remember. I had all these women that came in that weren't drinking
I knew I had a drink. I put out a beautiful like lunch them and went into the bathroom. Filled up all my wine years. Pray bottle did hairspray bottle and I'm looking myself in america drink and there's a violent like. He might think you ve got a problem. and then my psychiatrist, you tried to Campbell, tried this and and he tried this thing and I'll. Never, and I just thought is one drug left to boost where you can die. If you drink on It- and I said you put me and then use goes, you'll die, and I said dying now here and I said it was now in the morning I said, you think add anything to drink He was a substance. Barriers is like no said. I've already had half a bottle of white wine
I feel, bad, because now I want you to wear a bracelet that he wanted to jingle. So when you think that you can drink, you'll hear the jingling that you might die and it saved my life and I'll never forget like Four or five looking out the window and thinking you can eat two cakes. You can fuck somebody. You can tell someone, You can just take your clothes off you can you cannot drink right then it was like. Thank you god, thank you and then I ended up going to a rehab in australia, and this was like the out of rehabs life almanac. All the comments regarding manic depressive obama compose clean, my god I be impulse clean.
me need not destroy my career army. There you're month saved my life unknown. I was very, I didn't believe in god. When I came back it was no a member praying to bill w remember having the drink. One night and say well lucian. If you didn't I was just drunk when you knew me, well now think I might have a problem or not. I just have some emotional problems. you showed him yeah. I, could you let me drink? Yes, I know we do that They told me in brief, salem, he might not be Will there be a comedian again, if you put yourself risk and now they couldn't now? I was now I had almost no money left and I was this was the turning point. Me, bruce smirnoff is running, was was working. It boil mania
yeah. Yeah work and welcome reich remain him. He said you know brunch I book ships a book, the biggest cruise ships in the world, your kind of edgy We'll give you shot and I was down to nothing. I remember pudding in for for applications to starbucks thinking. Well louis, he came walk in there and you can have to make him a latter day, and then you can go back to him. God cause now? This is going to be cruel, joke about your will. We can help, you know, We have a problem in doing anything, you can drop reasonably like lui. Do it you gotta, do I'm so over. This should put me on the show, still get where So you, your points are books and smear enough. What call here I'm applying for letting some oxen like? Oh, I guess this is you know this is a thing in my life I'll just making coffees and famous people walk in there now make one hell of a latin
but my break out of my break. My second breaks this is, god, obviously wants me as humble as they fucking come. Thank you are really. I will be coming. None and then said I put all the applications and rooted come down to florida in one audition you like bruce, I even pay. My rent right now. Slang Well, I don't usually except comics ashley, you know your woman, they don't know you and I'm like she's gotta get starbucks and then he said This is strange, says a day later now this is really day later goes on. You know what twelve people saw. Your you drinking set and it edgy you got. The ship
One word of advice: don't fuck up, and that was three and a half years ago the drinking set that was about what that was about drinking just say. My friends tried So many interventions in the honors of plastic folding cheer sentiment semicircle apartment. I came over, so even doing ensure for a few years, then he started back with the acting. then I just finished doing the vagina monologues great started to go by could the acting has started to do. Yoga gave up. Smoking gave gawayne flower is equally well. It kind of given up sex with them just can't meet anyone in new york, gay and guys withdraw even to new york, pretty women. in new york. Kira anywhere, where you in twenty and eighth.
Well, I'm very happy, for you is a a very great a conversation, I'm all choked up and so amazing, like I listen to all your podcasts and was like kind of help. So good talking about he made my week I my month, good one, I'm so happy you're, wonderful! You are great story. I really enjoy talking really being you. that was some story great to talk. I'm very happy. We did that. I feel like we needed it, I feel who is to add another. Just some people like how she doing and that's how she's doing and she's doing, okay- and it was great to see her and I play a little guitar. It's just the same guitar. Hmm
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Transcript generated on 2022-07-19.