« WTF with Marc Maron Podcast

Episode 970 - Annie Lederman

2018-11-21 | 🔗
Comedian and writer Annie Lederman saw her adolescence take a turn for the worse after a childhood car crash. She was growing up with learning disabilities and attending a Quaker school. Then after the crash she was making choices she didn’t want to make and finding herself in situations that left lasting scars, physically and emotionally. Annie tells Marc how she pulled herself out of the darkness, started her comedy career and ended up in an unexpected relationship that helped her process her trauma. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, Headlong: Surviving Y2K, and SimpliSafe.

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
All right. Let's do this. How are you what the fucker is, what the fuck buddies, what the fuck stirs, what the fuck is happening? What the fuck turkey day what does that even mean? Why would I say that was that even necessary I don't even think I've ever used turkey day as a saying or as a way to describe thanksgiving it's turkey day. Who says that it's like this is going to be fun. Who says that I do either of those things are I, we're going to eat the thing it's thanksgiving and I'll cook I'll do all right. Okay, now it'll be good. That's my version that sounds fun now good it it's gotten easier for me. It's actually going pretty well I only got cranky for about ten minutes the only day, one I've done a lot of
cooking, already you're going to be listening to this on thursday today is wednesday and have doubt most of the meal. As some of you know, who listen to the show. I do I cooking around. Here we flew in me and Sarah. The painter and we went to we checked in the hotel. We went to my mother's house. And said hello to her and went to with her and John John ass man he's not the judgment he's now? Eighty something I think he's eighty, maybe eighty one he's going to be. My mom getting up there. I can't say, or her age thirty seven, the last she told me was the age. Thirty, seven, I think, is where we kept off, but- I think she's older than that and that's all. they could. She enjoys listening to the programme. I dont need to hear about it, so he went out to I had a fairly mediocre but laws plate meal. I think that's the way it works down here in florida that it's it's not about quality. It's about what you can box up and take home from eat for three days now my
Really, but I think for most people driving, in any letterman is on. The show today. Annie letterman is here: I've known anyone time, she's to open for me occasionally I like her she's she's, how do you describe Annie, she's guy moxie she's got edge, she's a little filthy, but she's funny so right. When we got here tuesday night whole foods snagged the brussel sprouts snagged all the stuff I needed. Now those listening regularly heard my big plan for kabocha squash That was the key trying or sections rubbed with a key and then springs. With gara masala and then roasted. Well, we got to whole foods, no cabbage wash so I didn't freak out. I wasn't going to go on a journey looking for it. There is a real good chance of most people wouldn't give a shit either way that was eating it
they didn't have it at whole? Foods wasn't going to happen, so I decided just get the yams, but then I decided Do it the way that was going to do it? I can't do it. squire. So there's the predicament right now and then we can talk about deeper things is that I cut up the ams in section and I rubbed them. I may I just a coded them coconut oil and on masala and salt and roasted them, but then on the same texture as squash the gavel monsieur and I thought they would brown almost fry up like they did not, but they take great may look good, but in its situation. Right now we're I've got about west in twenty four hours to decide whether I should just go ahead and like I could serve service in the cubes that are mushy cubes, because they're yams or I could mash them and make them form, and maybe maybe garnish it with some shredded coconut or something exciting provocative recipe, but now Is that to mash or not to mash, that that's where I'm at right now
I dunno if you've ever been there. But it's it's not an easy ways to be paid to its get down to business. What's get into the emotional situation where he what's going on now, I'm going talk directly to you, you know who you are okay, if you're listening to this, it's thanksgiving you're plugged in maybe or even on your way, but this this is. This is crisis management right now and I do this every year, but if you pulled away to get your mind things are pull yourself out of emotionally precarious tense situation with family spouse. That's family, kids. Still family, that neighbor, that you don't like they're, not quite family, but they call it. Family anyways doesn't count. But my point is Do we need to take a walk? Is it time to take a walk? How cold is outside? Did you come prepared? Do you have the right sweater,
Is there a sweater upstairs that you have from when you were growing up that you could put on if you didn't bring a sweater, because you don't live in a cold place anymore? Where is there a hat available? What I'm saying is if We're about to lose your mind if you're about to unload on your uncle your father, your mother, that neighbor you could probably unload on the neighbor. You know what I mean what he really got to lose, so your parents will say, like you really hurt, MRS Johnson's feelings or MR civic. Is that weird last name, how about mistress spend our have feelings you unloaded on him because of his wrong. Minded political views you can live with that, though, with the parents or their sisters and brothers out of that stuff can reverberate for months. The years so before you do that. Take a walk. Let's go outside get a breath of fresh air. Let's think it over, because honestly
My mother's boyfriend, John he's a nice guy, and I guess- and I like a museum, its ease, one, those people, talk. So I tell stories- and you know it could seem like While I've heard this story, this is the ninth time. I've heard this story, I don't think he's listening to as much music as he used to, which is odd. I think that he should because it kept him he kept his mind occupied. My point is that I will probably snap at him at least once of one good one before I leave and my mother, I think I mildly snapped at her, but then it became clear to me because Sarah, the painter said that we're both similar that may It's just the way we communicate emotionally sometimes, but I'm You might not be at that point. You might be in a crisis situation. Here's a couple things! I want you to remember their old, their old pete. And not maybe you're not as old as me, but maybe they're, just older people, but when they get old, they're not going to church
and nothing you're going to say is gonna change and what you're gonna do really just distract them from the thing is never going to change and make them up set with you either angry or or hurt, and then you ve accomplish nothing other than set yourself up for an apology of some sort. In the near our distant future. So if you're taking a walk now, it's the right thing to do see, breathe it in remember. You grew up here. Remember your wife grew up here. Remember this where your parents live now remember when you were a kid and everything was okay, gach, it's over sorry that was not. That should have been part of the guided meditation. I apologize father, I'm nightingale laughs from my girlfriend anymore. If there's one fuckin person she's in the room again of the taos here, hey
something real is happening. The towels are here how how many I get laughed but you're, also working, okay, okay, okay, how many towels that's a lot of towels What you kiss me you can do that on. The mike was that nice moment there, the house cleaning staff for towels. We are small discussion about why she wasn't laughing and made me feel that she did laugh occasionally at me and we had a kiss. That's what that's what's happening. Day before thanksgiving right now. Looking at the ocean tomorrow, we're in the ship people were in the shit I thought happening, but here's what happened the other day we're staying at this hotel. And we go down for breakfast? get to the lobby and there's a fucking fire firearm going on like loud there's that flashing light, there's something being sad like
Please leave the building remember about papa paper pepe. Maybe they prepare pepper, but it's like the entire fuckin one so right when we get off- the elevator, the security like. Don't worry, don't worry to test, don't worry, everything's, ok, and that was enough right. he was wearing a uniform. Ok, we'll believe you guy with a uniform security guy both We go into breakfast thinking that it might not last that long and were seated and we order food and it's in its man, man may not movin sure what the sound was, but that was annoying enough to give the idea of it. Man mad mad mad mad mad grabbing a bad bad, but I remember, but I remember that man man, man, flashing, eyes, flashing eye, flashing lights, lashing like mad mad and every
buddy is sitting there just eating their fucking breakfast families of people just eating past me, the waffle is that syrup you want to taste it kids, just nobody is even registering it and it is loud. It is oppressive, it is menacing, but everyone because they were told it was. Okay is just sitting there in this chaotic. armed situation, except for me. I was like what the fuck, how long this going go on for now, not better than other people, but I at some point like. Why are we tolerating this? But that's not the analogy or metaphor I'm trying to illustrate. I just thought it was a in metaphor- for where we're at globally and culturally just people families of all kinds sitting there eating as if nothing's happening, and there a fuckin fire alarm.
loud as shit just wailing and everyone sort of like this is good. Take your pancakes man, man, man, man, man, are we going to the beach today remember, but I remember man, man, man and I kind of realized. I I feel that way all the time, because I I look at the news or what and I see the rising waters, so that was the experience I had to me. It was like all you need is one guy with a little if the authority to tell you that, nothing to worry about and you through the alarm. You'll sit through all of them and enjoy your waffle Any letterman is here. She wrote on the last Baron, colon show and she's been too and stand up a long time, and I think I met her in a cab word. Did I mean it
I think I met her in new york and she opened for me in philly. I know that and she's unique and she's funny, and this is her and I talking back at the garage I'm trying to think when I met you, and I know that what I asked you to middle from me in philadelphia. Where did I mean he? First, we went to a meeting together. we went to a meeting at in silverlake. Really out here and you were like set eight a dot m and I was like: are you seriously going to fucking? Make me get up at eight, a dot m? this fog, it ass any did it and I don't know, but I am worried that instead, though her I don't I mean I want to did my ninety nine quit drinking in two thousand and nine. Familiar
I did my ninety and ninety, so I went once a day for ninety days. Then I really started to not I dunno. I didn't want to talk drinking all the time and I didn't want to I just started doing I quit drinking the first after my first, MIKE's. I was really kind of wanting to put as much energy. Stand up as I could you are just starting out, then, two thousand, and but you but you are in new york right. I moved out here we out here permanently or what it was going back and forth, but I was out here, for I didn't know you in new york. I knew you because you used to hang with some pretty dirty guys would like Norton and so yeah yeah. That's how I knew you're you're, like one of the women that kid to run with that mess of People yeah, it was fun. I like I love going on the rubbish and those great yeah or the three you open for gym, I'd open for Jim for a little while that Like my those your training, we are definitely train. and I mean I remember the first time I opened was in a
winds hit me up and I like their caroline's funniest or whatever I like do one minute of material self or what I the right to do. One minute meter I couldn't even imagine worst and and carolines had me, and I guess he wanted a female open or the kind of balance, and I remember him saying to me he's like these, like what I like about you and you're like me, and the fact that you'll tattle tail on yourself with its lake constance, like self confession, I guess, but it's just like. Sometimes my amy shut the fuck up let people draw their own, don't tell them what's wrong with you immediately, but I can't like so those were your first big paying gigs were working for working opening for Jim yeah and then I a guy that audience I mean that audience is like. I would imagine, mostly men. at your filthy men shamelessly filthy and I'm kind of sweet. Yeah I mean I o so the way I got the gig murmurs at a coffee shop on africa. and I was I got- the tax or the call
Think about opening for him from the manager and I'd never met. I had never met Jim before so I was like so excited just a fan of his. He saw you somewhere here. they offered him. He wanted. He was like who are the like. The newer female comedian or whoever like like, are openers. I remember like I was. Coffee shop and I just got really I kind of just shorted. My did a little either by own yeah, I swear to god. I fuckin shit, my pants little. I just told you that sorry recently we told you when you heard that you yeah like excited. I was like I was like, oh my god, so you like you. I thought that was just saying. I know I am I paradise art I added I ship my pants and aided at my path will shooting your pants. You know what's happening so it's different. I was feeling so that sharia such a more like morbid betrayal, because he really trusted yourself here. What do you got but you'd? Sometimes you sort of like? Is it it's not falter? Yeah I take it, you take what I tell you roll the dice. I said it's a good day today it was like a trip. Birds were chirping in brooklyn. I was so excited, I'm leaving this coffee shop and I I called my dad and I was like I just shit. My pants and
you re just for that. You call them in detail. I wanted somebody jumping in then. I also wanted to tell him about that. You should my parents have a husband for he got mad at me and hung up, because when I called him back, I was like why what's going on and he he was like I'm sick of your mothers, you and your mother's pranks, like we should want mom for My mom had shit her pants at the exact same time like moments before or I swear to god. So my dad not that we were like cranking hand, but really we just like should each other's bans, but did you did you call your mother and say like anybody that happened to us at this? I have a heart is like hers was, She realized she showed her pants when she was doing her laundry like grocer. she didn't know that she, like she hadn't noticed. Oh and he was in exactly the same type of fear- just realized it at the same moment that I said that's my that's my dad thought we were pranking him yeah. It was great fun, but it's the opening, jim I mean I have to how was it would cause that's a hell of a baptism into at the crowd of a certain type,
being condescending. I mean I like those guys I like Jim. I can imagine, like the requirements after his audience have to be some pretty high level of filth in self or self actualization was. It was the first time I opened for him was very. I was scared of them. You know like I went out really fearful, didn't, have a good set, and then they ended up switching me to the host, which is so humiliating what the the fear thing of you every time I can't go afraid of them, but that only a very valuable lesson is then I came out swinging the next time. I thought they might like. Are you guys they ever I or like? Oh yes, and I was a duke lacrosse, as was like before I think that was found, not drown but whose maria it's pointless. You know just like you know he took, he gave it to him yeah I was like I'll show you yeah yeah, that's good, though good tool to have, but when I first got in my the first spots I got were actually from donna rollins. Yeah I had met on Ellen new york.
so far this week at two. I keep this with started. Talking about something about his dad, like I don't know where I got them in the middle of some heavy thought about his what are the other night and he just laid it on me. It is kind of sweet yeah. He is really he's like a really sweet he's the guy yeah he's off. so when I met him. I had wanted to do comedy. I was living in new mexico we have in common. I know those having into Diana that I know I went to the college of santa FE, which is dearly departed. It's not not change. The college of Saint John. They make you read, write carlotta santa fe. They went on precisely we'll get back to that said. He gave you your first odi now. I admit I knew this guy from Santa FE, my friend portion, who is friends with esther coup. They just had gone to college together. It was a comedian, okay and then so when I had said that I wanted to do comedy. I'd move to new york to do comedy. My friend Paul was like you should meet my friend esther and then easter is like you should come to this party at my friend Danielle's house and I'm like
larry, that's all some! So then I go to the party and I'm talkin to his friend. I cameras friend's name who done it He had done our this friend who I was talking to and he was like, oh yeah, funny. Are you a comedian like well? Actually I got an nervous, I dunno I want to do a put and he was like a yo dano. She wants to do comedy. I was like in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed and I now was like uh. I gotta show on Monday come do it and I was like well, I'm not really ready. I think I'd done. Maybe one open mic drinking like the week before and I was like I dunno. If I'm ready and he humiliate- I mean he went like you like. Do don't say you want to do something and not do it he's like gotta. Do it, I'm so glad grateful for it, but he was I go hard or go home and I was so embarrassed. So what I did, I showed up that monday and he ended up being like we'll just come next week and then I came the next week. Draw people and stuff, and he wanted to test you versed in that you wrote he was like yeah. He was like, don't like
Really one aren't a really like see yelled at me, but when you for, when you showed up eating, go on what I should have that show now you don't have to go on and what you have like five minutes. Five jokes, I mean you're. Obviously yeah you like nineteen, I wanna know I was twenty five twenty five. I birthday s from thirty five to think you, but you were just add a college if I was sort of I just quit drinking so I was like you know. I went to college for about eight years. I went to undergrad for a long time because I was drinking so much was like hey here's yeah! That's really long! I was like you know it was incomplete. I wasn't like you, I was like you know I had some. I would take a semester off or whatever to you know, but pay more attention to. You're, a yeager was a thing. I quit yeager first viagra that it's just some bad shit in my experience? Yes, for some reason that particular wicker does it opens you up.
I used to drink ices drink it by the pint. Then I was dating this bar tender ordaining lever buying this part under new mexico, and they had a gave her machine. You just get me pints of yeager machine. I would just wake up. Just like you know my These were all torn out of the fall down drunk so meriting better than like lining up dicks here as it like a plank ouch up when I am so like. I remember way so, where you even open from your middle for me right, billy, and where I think we're driving around your mom's car. My mom had an ebay drop off, store, that's right and she had a van that had a wrap on it. That said, like we'll sell your stuff on ebay and primary ebay color, I will be driving around in that because down from the city I was living in new york yeah. But where was her store her store? Our house, philly? Yet suburbs of philly see you were staying at your mom bear
driving around were driving around. I was so pissed. I didn't get a picture of that. That's so funny yeah. We do we get sandwiches, we got sandwiches and we went to the art museum yeah. It was fun. We did some cultures, it was good. I remember texting you like, I think that was really fun, and then you were trying to ghost me. I was yeah later being a little. You can't be called to the cold war. Much like you mark you can't. You can get rid of. It was a nice to you. Yes, you are our that's good, so Where does it? Where did you grow up? I grew up in the suburbs of philadelphia. I say you are from philly them there. She was there what you have brothers and sisters, I've, a twin brother and I have an older, either twin brother. What that would that kind of doing he works and sports tv Boston and he's a producer at sports, ireland, a suburb of philly, I think, philly's a rough place, hausa
I dunno I talked to people from there and they they have a definite edge to them. Yeah. They do like you're kind of like that. Like do you, don't you don't? He can really fuck with them. No there. I don't know where I got my comfort. I mean both in your way you're with current you're. Seeing comments can now he's philly right. He, while he's from times over but he started close and is write him and j yeah Kevin hart yeah that philly crew, oh de rosa address. I talked to him today. You did yeah he's a sweet guy vast he's a little soft for philly. He is, I prefer, but he is guy for like he's, got it in him to know he's, definitely philly, but he's sort of a softer, Phil he's like norristown. I think it is. I dunno so you're like what were your parents together. yeah my parents were together. My dad worked at pan. He did say to use a treasure, the treasure
then and then my mom had a bunch of good jobs, so you could use the pool over there and stuff. Now we never went. I never went he. I go to work Sometimes I never really like use the facilities he retired. When I was fifteen, my dad seventy seven, he retired when I was fifteen, haha and so What's your mom do my mom did. For job she worked at like when I was a little kid. She worked at this organization gray. Panthers owes an organization for the old against yeah ages, em and stuff, which maybe you care about now pay. Not the time I can deal great you ring. I saw your guides are able to make its work and so on and then the sobriety was like. I talked about four hundred am going to go dimensions like what are you going to wear funny? How can we so yeah, I smoke weed know I just don't know drinking just a weed. Just wait and I go in and out of being completely sober and then smoking weed or whatever, and I did I ve done like hallucinogens and stuff pretty recently
How do you do them? For clinical reasons are for fun. I've, for sure, like one I did mushrooms, acid and dmt in the past couple years. and these were experiments or time. It was sort of like the party I found at the you know, but the like what like what go back to when did mike. Aren't I all of us, I will not take it. But like what happened like out. What what? How are you so fucked up that you needed to get sober when you're in your early twenties were when you were a kid? What was going on? Where'd you go to school. What was the deal I to a quaker school, called coughran street friends school. But that's just on friends, but that was because it was a good school yeah, my mom one of the jobs that she did. She wrote the newsletter for the school, so she really liked the idea of quakerism. She decided to raise me and my brothers quaker just because,
the idea, we don't have a like, she wasn't brought a very religious at all and my dad was a very religious. He was in vietnam and I think he found god, but I've never really had not. Conversation with them, they storeroom yeah, wait a minute, so your ad was what religion were they dad but there were other wrought up nothing like me dad's father wasn't in the picture really, but he was jewish, but they never celebrated and then they celebrate christmas. my grandmother was was christian I thought, while she was jewish and she was adopted but there's like a lot of adoption and have you done to genetic and yeah twenty percent, jewish and what's the rest, the rest is bore. It's like a bird. Ish or something really dumb, and I thought I was russian, because people literally come speaking russian to me and distress like I could see. Looking russian they come like I'm liking to save them are fucking just on the street in philly a lot to it. I swear to god in hell
if they're not understand you're the only one that will know, but also when I was in, I used to live in greenpoint in brooklyn and everyone's polish. So if I was in a bad mood, they just started speaking polish to me like if you're frowning you're definitely do look a little. I can see that happening but your dad was in vietnam like for like, like the real deal kind of way. He was you didn't have to like shoot his gun or anything he was a. He was a mechanic airplane mechanic. My dad went to school for engineering and then ended up going to wharton my like really smart, great tdn but your mom, like just decided, quakerism yeah quakerism a really cool. I'm glad it gave me a good. Would you consider yourself like a quaker Sure I mean I why I went after the election. I was kind of like going to quicker
again for a little bit, though ass to action. Really, you were going to quaker meeting. It has arrived back yeah. Well, it's on sundays. You just go and you sit in a room on these benches. facing each other. You and you just sit in silence, The whole theories like if you feel moved to speak earlier gods being through, but if people just stand up and say gonna whatever they film of eta. That's a a ritual of quakerism, yet I've got my arm eating. That's the church, but there's two different there's programmed an unbroken quicker, so programme quakers make up the majority of it, but not in the area from several grounded programmed as they have. They have a preacher and stuff, I go by the bible and stuff, so it was crazy. Going okay go ahead. When I was younger, I would go to a quaker youth retreats and in my area, unprogrammed quakerism is just like everyone's a lesbian, everyone's gay everyone's like crazy. Here like it, was just a very inviting because it's the whole theory What is that? God is in the form of an inner light that everyone has really so it's not an old religion
I don't know when it was founded. But let's talk about quaker meetings. You knew enough that you didn't go to church, you weren't programme quaker, but you did two weeks ago to go to church. We will go to quaker meeting, which was church young. The kids you near and my other yeah and burned my twin brother and in euro, the road by two hundred like you would always stand up he's like any. I would lack yeah, but I remember the nerves and set a kind of roma. I mean it makes me think of santa later. You know it's where our practice, my dick chokes or whatever any imagine I mean I could they would have to accept it as quakerism in the quaker talks. They would have to just like politely may, be right. Sonaput, you side, like maybe maybe one underlying always the language five kirsten meeting before how great so you so you did so are you I mean you were really brought up in the quaker? Not that not that heavily when we were younger than we went to a different school and it was that we go here and there and I tried to go back recently and it was just sort of not not that I'm against it, but it's just something I feel like doing regularly. But when you were you believe in god,
Genetic interlaced sure and rely and ride like that, I'm a more like lately, like as I get older, more believing in god or something with Kurt more he's. One of the reasons I like I don't know. I ended up like meeting this person. That makes me feel so good and, like feels like I went there summit should too There's a he will talk you out of god, no I mean he was brought up. I know so religious, but I don't feel like he would talk you out of god, even if he believes in god more than me does he yeah for sure the new kurt. I thought I don't know, I thought he was the sceptic. I mean he's this if the volume of the whole thing yeah yeah, I mean he yeah. Well, let's talk about like sort of the election happens and you just felt like you needed to go sit with quakers. Why just one a place to be quiet. I dunno I just wanted to if you're terrified use or whatever yeah. I was really triggered. I had a lot of I. You know history, sexual assault
stuff like that, and it was just really a lot. I mean the election was like really, and I wasn't ptsd mean Add myself that I don't have a history of sexual, but I certainly felt like how many how many groups of people down are the Jews and they get on the train tank man? But you know they had that so self, whatever we always offered her fine everything's marianna. We just say it just as it was like a confused. I don't know it was like I what the hell's happening do feel comforting that video conferencing, if our really going to be there and of an area, but I went- quaker school until fifth grade and then I inf grade, we moved over to public school me, my twin brother, my older brother already gone and published I just had I mean I would I had learned disabilities. So is a bit more difficult for me in public school have their manifestos out this eighty yeah I mean I just sometimes I'm looking back. mark though now and I'm thinking about all the things my parents have been wrong with me and I don't know that there is really anything with me, but they were concerned, were they.
yeah, I mean the you I was when I was in china garden me, I between brother and rice, be no bigger than had not identical, mar penises our little difference either these are good sized you're. Not here cumbria and politely uncircumcised uncle, I have to do is managed, she is all that I know you did well we're so I'm kinda garden, my brother had learned disabilities, so they held both though how they had a choice either hold both of us back or just maxine. And so they were like we're not going put put our son through that, where, like his sister's twin sister, so they held us with back and then in second grade I was having trouble reading like dyslexic kind of deal. I don't know, I think my parents didn't teach me to read. I think they thought the school was going to and then the school was like. I think your parents are supposed to help with us. I can't remember who taught me to read yeah whatever I figured it out eventually and I think you're, okay with it a little bit I can read, I can read now the twitters expanded their characters, not as much, but so
So when does a juvenile delinquency? Ok, so we go to a public school and then almost I'm just gonna hanging out with not good peep. I just found myself with people in your kind of way also, but what kind of person were you you shine, were you cause you're kind of now? I was like I was excited. Why had what am I kind of seems like you're. You know your take charge kind of person. Why? How do you know it kind of had to be so? I learned the I learned young because okay, so I had a lot of problems like I was born breach rates. I was born. My brother was, That meant we're we're at midnight. I twentieth Angela nineteenth and I kicked him of the wounded and us you're born breaching. If he came up, came out first time in an incubator, I dunno how much that affected my, but I had a lot of problems with tactile. I don't like, like kind of If I was on spectrum of autism so like to be stentor. How old might it wouldn't breastfeed and stop put my, said I would really squish and with my brother
Like I would let him live oak as you're, there was the only thing you were close to the outward my brother, so then I had problems, so I didn't my socks formerly bought that there was like a lot of issues like I was always like upset, like my would her if the seem wasn't in the right spot, and my day like I just couldn't a really me. I was like constant fight kay chaotic were always likely to school. Like things were just everyone, my family is eighty, so it's just like. The goodwill more ocean dish, ish, maybe I think I am thinking more on the lines of ocd because I am messy, so I think I'm not, but then. I can't go to sleep because I'm all the sudden period, like panicking every night about some fucking weird thing. I said: that's not even a thing really to never was a serious yeah. I won't sounds like you, it's a scramble for control over control or like a way to punish myself or something, because I think that's that's very predictive. That's consistent right! You can always rely on that. I'm in
all right war, it's easier because all these things that are happening. What I'll tell you what kind of to get through them? I just myself because it was too much to do it that, like the girl, all the grown ups, my life, let me down on art, was like a lot scarier. So up until very recently, I really blame myself. I just thought I was like a rotten piece of shit just wandering around. So oh so you work through it so yeah. Well, let's go with suit. Let's go back so so the juvenile, the people you end up hanging out, I'm hanging out with people were like smoking. Cigarettes were being bad you're, like fifteen thirteen. Thirteen, thirteen dislike vad, grey, grimy edgy kid. I just wasn't yeah and I was in It wasn't easy for me to like get good gray like it wasn't easy for me to get that sort of reinforcement. So I guess I just went the other direction right. I don't know if I did it on purpose the bad girls and boys right, but then so then, when I was thirteen, we went to mexico, my family, my mom, and I got in a car accident. I was doing. I was a swimmer at first for awhile. I was on the swim team. I was going to change
train for the junior olympics and smoke. I wasn't smoking, I was always going to train for the huge junior olympics and then on the way to checkout my it was. My neighbor was driving her kids another neighbour and my mom was in the front seat and I was in the middle and the back it was my mom is going. The programme will have to go in the morning on a night gondis when me yeah it's gonna- be like a swim practice where they train you for the undeclared or for the day. And then so on the way we get there's a drunk driver, a woman in a minivan who just comes entire lane and just head on collision. Just and tat they had to get the jaws of life to get the martian neighbor my mom, her chat, roulette, gonna, neck praise and I broke my foot and the kid next newly cut his eye open. went to the iron his eyelid just was hanging down. It was very, he had no clue that was happening to it was so gross you're right, that's things. You remember your and your mind. I remember the shock and like feeling like very euphoric and giggly, I stop laughing because you
I couldn't believe which has happened and I remember there were cutting my socks off because of my foot was I was my brother, my older brother sock and our own. Oh, my brother's than a kill me and aim Did you ever see him at that point? I gonna occupationally therapy, which cured me of my socks issue season. they fucking did to me at this occupational therapy. Because of my it sounds like I got molest I mean I mean I did but not from them, but it sounds like so molested. When I tell people now, I went and saw this woman and she ran and because I was so sensitive to certain touch and fabric and like stuff like that she took a large. vibrating furry, like almost like a car buffer. plugged it into the wall and just rubbed it all over my body and and which really do until I came, that's all went away a number of my mom word and value added tax and we ve got away like an only we do when I'm being buffalo.
Fucking car. So then she, my mom, would have to take surgical, brushes and scratch. My skin everyday to kind of desensitize me really yeah, which really hurts in her closet and and it's, and it's also seems- It's so you're about you're mine out at trying to bang may so that out me with that, I'm in the car. Accident, and now it's like the time or it's like it's going to be hard to start getting back into swimming cuz. I didn't like working hard, but I was really bad. I broke my fifth metatarsal I was in a cast for a little while and then I remember some kid bullied me and like stepped on my foot and I had to keep my cast on for longer with the his name was MIKE. Remember last name but I'm not gonna, say ok, but whenever who cares whose only went to school he aims. who get the shape grushenka something so now, yet
inside a broken foot and every like I'm in seventh grade, I'm twelve, I'm like what am I going to do so I just sort of I just that's the turn. I just started smoking cigarettes started getting Friends like I was just the aim we have essentially what what about mexico. So we got money, we get money from the settlements from this car accident fremont. neck right. For me, my mom in this axis drunken and then we take that we go to club med with the family. We go to huachuca mexico sooner do. The is all five of us So then, I don't know what my parents were thinking, but they did just. Let me I just was by myself I mexico, I think they thought mere form only watching I was thirteen year. I think they thought some almost watching kids, but nobody was so I it took an archery class and there was an instructor there who I think he was twenty six is what I recall thirty. I just turned thirteen.
Oh, I'm hanging out with ham afterward Like all walk you back up to your place- and I remember he thinking we're going to mice any walking up to his place right and he we go into. It plays, and I'm like, oh and he's like he puts an eye on her we put on journey open arms so that song is fucked for me and then he it's not it's not a big loss, yeah. I, but I wanted to love it my favorite. So then, and then he starts like massaging me and stuff and I'm so uncomfortable and I'm like I have to go and he's like you're going to just go without kissing me and I had to like, make out with this old guy to leave like to me like twenty six winners. Are It was like the oldest person you've ever seen in your life yeah court, crazy yeah. So then I end up being able id made out before yeah I had made out with was just like thirteen year old making out like you know like, I guess what
that game in the closet or we are trying to french more socially seven minutes. But I guess I'm gonna quick come all the way out, quick, but no so by out so, but that they did that doesn't matter obviously there, but I was just wondering this was the first time. No, no! No, no, it wasn't the first time I kissed. I had like a boyfriend steve. That was, like my you know we held the guy was like was so. I was so scared So then I laughed he didn't make me like, have sex with him or anything. So I leave and then I go to the head of the. Like kids program or whatever, and I'm like this guy, did this and just made sure. I remember that I think first before I did anything I down. I saw him like talking to people doing archery instruction sky alex, and I just heard screaming when you're fucking pedophile you're, can grow like I was so mad. I couldn't believe, as it happened screaming at em. And I and he's like all like you need to get out of here, and then I told, but that's when I started drinking on that trip we were drinking and then I
hold the guy and then I think you have getting fired, but my parents like didn't know any of this happened you and tell them no one in a wide and feel comfortable on. My parents have. But I do I never told him so there's a whole kids programme that we and I think they just thought we recover dragline. But I remember I fell asleep in some kids housing their mad at me. How long are you Cobb met a year. I mean it could have been like four or five days. I don't know I just I get I'm in like I was just a young. I think I was pretty I dunno what I looked like, then, maybe the middle handsome bro. I always thought I looked like a boy and stuff, but I'm kind of learning that I never did call, the guy. You got him in trouble. Now, god one got up and I always have so then go back to school. That wasn't. I didn't really like feel that much trauma from that. I just remember that one recently yeah I mean I'm united celebrated repressed it, but I just have so of these sort, things out and she because I wasn't really being watched so we're. I was very mature for my internet. My period when I was eleven like I was just like I
into a girl from middle school at the mall and she's like oh, my god, I was just talking to my mom about you like. We saw you on something and she was talking about crazy. You are, and I really go like whenever someone calls me crazy tell me what type of crazy and she was like boy. crazy. My mom used to be so nervous because you are so like at that. You were so into boys and I wasn't there yet or whatever it was just like develop faster. Like seventh grade hm yeah. I there was I that's when I dunno, if that's when it normally starts, but I remember my seventh grade year was being was a little crazy. Like everyone was making out. Yeah was the first time I felt boobs yeah like the first time that I yeah how to feel, I didn't know what to do with them, but I held them yeah there isn't like a real. You know just sort of I do a lot of things them isley sure, but when you're in seventh grade you I can just put their hand on it and maybe squeeze it that it we did a push,
together a little I dunno. I didn't do this motion. I didn't do that because there was so much work. He had to work your way. There was working your way here, like an hour, you weren't you hand into the bra, because you at every euro yard at every juncture you your the sweat! It's just slipping off the body with the other. I guess that's that's the happens in junior high. I never like. I have my friend that I started hanging out with who was like kind of the bad girl she was already having sex with her boyfriend and thirteen at thirteen. She started having sex before she got her period and, like I remember, being Howell's eg who has a boat. How old is the boy for he was only a year older, but he was the sicilian kid who looked like. He was forty. Five years old, I mean like neck hair. Here are like what the hell, so it just looked so crazy, but so I was hanging out with people were like sexually kind of normal and my mom is kind of masculine. Like she She- and I wasn't, ta. I do know how to address feminine or years I can just are addressing slutty cause. That's my friends we're doing right.
little baby slammer with my high school had to change their. They changed their dress code. My friends are really that's what I like up. Is the like you. We can't if we can see your nipples real joy. There's problems is, but so I go to I'm in public school and I'm not I'm kind of struggling, I'm not I'm not doing well in school, I'm starting to smoke cigarettes and no drugs. Smoked, weed and drinking thirteen. I was drinking yeah that started africa, mad yeah. I started drinking and club med, yeah I like broke the seal. I was like alright yeah, we're know just hanging out with the wrong kids and then I didn't want to keep going to public also my parents started looking at other schools for me and they ended up sending me to the school and philly and chestnut hill. That's for juvenile delinquents is an alternative school. So it's either. juvenile delinquents are people and been getting in trouble. I wasn't like honestly when I look back like like. So mad at my parents, I'm like why didn't you just tell me to not hang out with those kids, because if I've been
any moment of discipline. I would have. Every they discipline me. I listen to them and it's like my parents of this idea in their head or my job. work. My mom wanted me to like her so much I she never did when me and I taught like did left and right like it's crazy, the amount of time they had weird should happen where like? Why aren't you watching me yeah, I know some people is because when there's no discipline and there's no boundaries, you don't like you, and if looking to connect with him, you know I was looking for perrin right. I was where, like every time, I would sit on a plane next to someone I would be like you now have until recently. I really think of me. I think that their predatory people feel that yeah, tell when it when you're not being watched, so they can. we tell winner and I was sweet. I was sweet and I was misunderstood. You know cause, then you get upset, so you go to the delinquent school, so going to this delinquent scorn and also to good art program, and I was also for people with like you know they were like there was a girl who thought she was a horse that galloped down the hall. You know what I mean it just it was like bully
then the bullet kind of and so then I'm there and I'm at this crossroads, I'm like do. I lean into hanging out with the special needs, kids or the true criminals, so that I start hanging out with kids that were like really bad and not to say my friend from the public school to. We got into a lot of trouble one summer where I was a gang member imo sneaking out. I was breaking into houses with people, one guy that I when I was fourteen my friend and I met this guy. An outdoor mall, the roosevelt mall. These guys pagers back then we would lie if they were from, we are fourteen we'd say we were sixteen or which is still gross, like twenty, I our roads, and so then we would sneak out to go meet them and. I remember going we went to this one house and we went through the window and then were like in the pool like smoking, weed and drinking with them drinking forties and stuff, and then we left through the window window too, just like naive, like I'm like what are through the window and like none of us live here, macaulay
fucking wrought like broke into this house. Hadn't clue, and then I'm like kissing this one guy and you know it was like. I was pretty It was like I I started having sex when I was fourteen, but I didn't want to like. I wasn't ready to have like it wasn't. It was more of a peer pressure situation for me, a lot of the times which are Was it a with a boyfriend or yeah, but, like I think I had already had had, I already had sex when has making out with his gang member dude. I think I'd already had sex fourteen is one more young on a waterbed northeast philly. You know guy, other guy. He was in, he was in prison last I saw, We want an african. Was he older? He was sixteen. I was fourteen years old can piece of shit. It really. It really like shaped a lot of my white house, well, he was just so nasty to me and I was so like in love with him, because I was too young for even those emotions too much to go through and
He ah has treated me bad. He would like talk. Shit on me was nasty mean he was a juvenile delinquent. He was gross and he seems like a shady dude. I dunno, if he's in jail now, but he was in jail for I the heroin and most of the people, my my high school was a fucking shit show and most of the people from there. I feel, like who survive or most of the people from their ended up like dead in prison, ehrlich working out of her eyes in chaos, there's like a few success stories, but it was all school in and was not there I didn't have to read and I don't think like I feel like I was completely uneducated yeah, well, yeah, because, like blankets, if no one teaches you to prioritize that shit, you don't you know what I mean and you just going to want to hang out with people that make you feel like you're. Somebody or feel something it's like. It was exciting. You know to go, do other stuff so anyway, so I'm making out with this guy. We walked get out of the the window. We start a making out with this guy. They drop us off at the house. Luckily I don't have to like. Don't we sneak back into my friends house then,
it comes out that the guy I admit I was wanted for homicide. This is the shit I was just like going to the mall and wandering into when I was ten fifteen or sixteen there is, as are too sure who this like white guy with dreads and his wife had dreads and she was my advisor and he had actually gone to the school. So he was like a alumni of this fucking do so he they pretty much groomed me and a few other people and we will go over to their house, like his wife called my mom and was like I'm going to tutor, Annie and I would go over to their house. That would buy me whatever alcohol I wanted weed, and then she would just like write a paper for me right and then you know they didn't want me to be going home drunk. So then they can. My mom. That would be a good idea for me to start sleeping over at their house to sort of
curb the edge of me, leaving to go to college later that this would be a good positive thing for me and your mom bought it and vulcan bought it and you're having a good time. So I visually- and I have this one friend John, this guy friend in school- he's like this is so weird you guys are going over there. This is not good because there'd be a bunch of us, but my friend me and my best friend at the time would would sleep over there. My parents, I gave a futon from our house, for it makes me so When I think about it one night, nobody else was there and it was just me yeah and the two of them know she was gone to just happen. So it was just the two of us in the house and I woke up in the middle of the night and he was watching me sleep like like laying next to me with his face on his face staring at me, propped up sr sixteen and not yet fifteen or so I remember, and then I go. I guess sixteen cause he would probably be have gotten a lot more and a lot more trouble. If I was fifteen, unfortunately, pennsylvania their laws. But so I am like that so fucking weird that so creepy, I'm like what are you doing and then he just
I've seen goes another room so then next day. He's like he's my old, like all I wanna arm Can I draw you nude and I let the house does that ours, so this is the two and I want to say no, but I keep lake. I just don't want. I feel it would be accusing him of something if I did said no. and I didn't know what was going to happen. So I remember leaving my socks on because I was like that was my protest in my head is like, then I won't be fully nude or whatever, and then he comes out of the shower or something and he's like it's better. If I'm new to the drawings better and at this point there's no way, I'm going to be able to say a word, I'm like a complete shock. Can't talk, Talkum journalists, kid like wow. Am I in this fucked up situation and then, and just trying to him. I had been like this is now the timing. There's like gotta be another like excuse for. What's going on then he sat on the back of my legs and jerked off on me and I like like wet in my knee pit, and then I had to like,
I mean it's like, so I usually tell it funnier, but I like it just so crazy again and believe it and I remember like getting up I didn't even wipe it offer just pull my pants, because I don't even want to do anything I had to go. I was working at a pottery place and I had to go to work so I go to work, and I tell my after what happened. Yeah and he's like that's he's like this nineteen, oh dude he's like that's his that's his child molestation. That's crazy! and I'm like yeah. I don't know what to think about it, and then I call my best friend, who had also used to stay there with me and she goes oh he's gone like cheeky with me before. Just tell you now If I go for something like cheeky, what the fuck are you talking about? I told her about the jazz part, because I was like really ashamed that right, but I was like he just said some weird shit she was like. Don't even worry about it, then I'm like what yeah so am I up and then I go to that friend John he's like no do. This is crazy. I knew fuckin. Some shit was going on is like that's insane, so
Like our eyes, I gotta make a conscious be may so I go around. I talked a bunch of girls, my graduate in class with seventeen kid. So there's not them is logical. You so go, I found a girl that was having a full on affair with them. I found a girl that was that he it sucks weird when you are supposed to be tutoring her in art and a girl that he'd exposed himself to pulled his bone around and like look what you do to me and then maybe a couple more, but the only that was willing to go forward and he was the girl that exposed himself to so and she didn't have a very good reputation for being honest, which socked I completely believed her story, beer. It wasn't like mine incredible. You are this to go forward with the school yeah. So then I go. I go to one of the art teachers, the other. Our teacher here now this archers, due to their had done. This had gotten fired for, throwing something at another teacher like therefore, this happened like right and this was so- he wasn't really like technic legacy in a daily, where it happened with you yeah like that we could have gotten fired crazy here.
So then so he was at the school anymore. So I went to his mentor and this our teacher, who I used to really kind of look up to as a father, and I told him what happened with this other girl and he number he said he goes. You torn because half of me, I want to go. Kick his fucking ass, look out go fuck, scream and heavy doing this and then the other half. I wasn't there. So I don't know what happened and like I mean I'm fucking telling you what benefit god, there's. No literally, I'm not like telling people about this, I'm not going around to the other students. Don't want attention for those. I just want a predator to be stopped. I like I got got and I just don't want to keep. But I want to stop unicycle the cycle yeah, so I haven't have my parents about it yet so then, the art teacher me too my advisor who she's like I knew something bad was happening. What the wife, the wife, was
after you have fired shit. So then, so then my advisers like I knew this- was how might otherwise ehrlich. I knew something was half an hour. I like struggling with that line to you knew something was happening, but yet nobody fuckin did anything nobody wanted to get their hands dirty or do anything like to stop. This thing so I was like I guess it's me, that's going to do it so then she makes me go to the principal. This is all within two hours, so I gotta go to the prince tell him the it's humiliating story. Like so embarrass, also shamed and then telling the principal and the principal's like the archie? still, even though he was employed as a teacher, he was still in charge of the glass wine studio. So he's like all right, I got a call I got to like van. from the from the campus, and we're. You have to call the police, I got a call. My parents tell them everything. That's going on. I gotta go into the police by the time I get home from school. This stupid fuckin principle had told, greg the teacher everything
about him. Who was it said it like a fucking lunatic, we're here like no protection from anyone, so then The time I get home. I have all these messages on my answer, machine from his wife being like you fucking liar you stupid bitch. Why would you do this to us your fuckin? like all of the stuff, I'm like Jesus so then I my parents and before What am I tried to go back to the house? told anyone. I try back to the house. Once we, my friend Madame and Greg teacher had said something to me. He'd insulted somehow, like he said, called me some things I care about. We should remember the word was, but a member not known with words our whole day after yeah it's like really soon after that, and said something nasty to me and I'm like you're, going to fucking. Do that to me and then also make me feel like a piece of shit like so then I he said something, and I got so like offended that he would dare speak to me and I just was like get the fuck
play for me. I'm never going to fucking talk to you again like you're, a sick, fuckin pedophile, your fucking gross, and so he goes. And other room, so I'm not going to keep yelling at him and my friends oh come on like I'm like. You know why I'm mad he's a fucking predator. Do he sick? That's like a child, molesters she's like come Annie, you know, that's my dad picks me up. I go home and then my mom at one point, she had a meeting with his wife Debbie to this how to get me and greg back together again had such a good bond. We don't want them to be upset. So my mom went on a meeting with this woman to try to work it out and then she's like. Don't you think you and Greg can work in anger all the shit at this before I had told her what happened, but I think daughters, sleeping over the grown ups house and all the sudden she's like. I don't ever want to see this man again, you shouldn't you can kind of like jumped to some can grounds. So there I did come out with it. She was like yeah, I thought, maybe was everyone like who thought something was going on. I'm like what the fuck like Jesus Christ. Why to do everything on my amazement, say: I'm like a grey area. so then we go to court
and his lawyer ends up being my fucking. This girl, I played softball with dad, I'm like Anyone have my back. I mean crazy. That very upsetting, but I guess he told my parents that he thought he could do a better job for me, which is fucking bullshit. the lawyer, it's like! Why don't you this is not appropriate. Why don't you fucking not be his lawyer, yeah crazy yeah would that you knew his daughter and that it's all yeah. You came to every softball game of mine and this is cool with you yeah. So we get to court and he fucking cut his dreads off the teacher I remember being like so pissed, but now I'm sick got rid of one more white guy with dreads. if I d to get just gone as a kid for that work, but so are we up doing a pleiades because of the way pennsylvania goes its like, because you don't penetrate we're like
what a laugh may be lost or something, and so he pled guilty, and he got like three years consecutive probe or three years simultaneous probation for both of us, and I think he wasn't allowed to teach anymore, but then he just became a college. Professor, thank you. Justice As for artists in philadelphia now still, even though is any idea did anyone else come with you on the case where I do. I blacked out a lot of it honestly, like I don't there's like I'm really trying to like go back and my parents lot of questions in asking people what happened, but I do believe I advise our stacy came with me and I think someone from the rape credo and no other girl I want the one girl that he had exposed to himself thought she was in the car too. He has she was in court too, and I dunno if this affected her as much, but Has anyone come forward in years? After
a record of it anywhere. I mean it's gotta, be there's a record of it somewhere, but assure encore its before the internet. So there's not, if you google him he Jordan river rate crisis, I gone to the re crisis, the cops him into the right criteria and are, and I met with them once and I remember, reading lolita in the fuckin reappraise the centre was just they are now I brought it was like how molested is that to be leg? I dropped itunes. I want to draw a cartoon of me and the rape crisis center reading lolita so is it in fact, you know that the the years right after reviewing what what ultimately you you said that it was how traumatized because the no one No one on my back. I radical our friend that girlfriend I mean they support. They drove in a corner. I've and everyone seem just like upset that I was making like not nothing happened but like oh, we wish we weren't dealing with us. It was just so fucked up. It was just a really fucked situation. Everyone in my school was kindly call me a liar and
Look I didn't have support. My best friend told everyone habits that I was lying about. Her mom was going to testify as a character was witness against me. I do. Why would they say you were lying? I dont know I swear, I speculate. I think that maybe she was having an affair with him or something I don't know I don't I just can't. I can't understand why you would so you just his level of denial on everyone's part and this annual is highly so scared that I was gonna lie come after them, but I remember the cops told me that I go. Will you should also check in with my friend? Could she said and something they are. We talked her. She said that your she told us that you're lying that there's nothing true about what you said, so then I come into school. The next and the only way get kicked out of this. You ve gotta delinquents clause. If you hit someone or you sell drugs, oh, I knew I couldn't hit or anything, and I was a quaker wasn't what I want, but I was so. I couldn't believe it like. How could you do this? To me? It was so hard to get there and then you're going to tell them. I'm fucking lying are suppose my best friend. You know what happened.
so I go so I go. A clashes with spanish class night, and I go. I start pout and she hated the word con. So I start pounding my fist on the desk in front. and just going you're a fucking can you're going to tell the cops. I'm a liar. You owe me a fucking apologise, the I dunno you anything bitch or whatever I get pulled out of the class reprimanded treated like a fuck. Monster because of this. It's like the crazy shit in the world to me. and then I just remember them like yelling at me, I'm going like. Are you guys crazy? Do you have any clue what's going on or any of your responsibility, I go I go to court, the three years. I was leg, I guess though my graduate early, I wonder what he stated. The school no. I graduated that year. You know we small graduate I remember my teacher. The teachers would give you each like a the advisory, give a speech about you a my bars are was like you know, she'll stand up against things, even if she loses
things out of it. You know what she said, something about it, so that he's like can someone just working help me, but I so there was that but then I went back. I would I want want to go to santa fe and go to college in everything, and how did you pick santa fe wanna too. I thought I want an I because a gradual, no sixteen gear off and why do I went to First I went to hawaii and I did this dolphin. Space got the marine mammal lab in oahu and how to lulu, and I trained orphans right and there was like a program he paid for or something, but it was very nice yeah. It was neat, it was cool. I mean I was very. I was seventeen. Everyone else was older. So wasn't I didn't really fit with the crew as much, but it was fun to train dolphins and was really cool interesting. I ended up working with autistic kids later and a lot of the behavior management stuff was very slim. I was like very like a interesting to have like a background with with them with behavior modification, but with her we probably weren't
new tricks to be here, and I learned how to I learned how to have a really big deck, the male dolphins of eugenics. then I did a program where I went to central america and I did service work there, the kids that was a it was adequate I now that was like. I want just want to do that. You wanted to travel. I wanted to do something good and I just been through the shutters they wanted to lake. He felt robin I felt like that was all my fault. I felt like ross anywhere and like I just felt like so even though like I knew I still also had a confidence, but it was like it's just had to like jump on the grenade for myself. So I took that summer when I came back from the servers were going to sorta work with the kids and special needs. Yet so I was a head counselor at an easter seals camp. I like how a lot of fun I really enjoyed it. I worked with kids who, like cerebral palsy, I you did a lot of service work, Finally, I write our young and I was a really fun job and I
so I wanted to like do something. I was thinking about maybe becoming a special ed teacher or an I, and I draw I like doing art. So I will to do that or art and I wanted to get away from philadelphia. I didn't realize why, at the time, but looking back it's like I know so, fucking traumatized so wondering as far away from my family. I just wanted out. So I looked all these different schools even I love my parents like the most all the time obsessively throughout all of it. I still just needed to get away, so I looked at the santa fe and I liked their art program and they had a teaching program. So I was like I can do what I need to do here. I thought the students were really cool and I'm santa it was a new town, and so I moved there and I did like counting ecology, I mean I, my mom or my papers like I didn't fucking, learn much. I had a great time at or in crowded. Like I'd, really good teacher, we were there on an offer a on offer a year. They had. I had incomplete for to be fair. It incomplete like two years and then the college's guy.
A business. So my art teacher susan yorkers, fucking amazing, my our professor, she had about a nowhere- and I I get along with her cause. She had a class at eight thirty in the morning that I would cut and she would call me and I'd be like I was so mad at her because I'm like I'm eighteen now, I don't have to come to class, which is so crazy. What I was saying wasting money and she was like. I just want you there. I just I believe in you so you doing painting or drawing was painting doing in our have. I didn't have a medium I draw in a little bit but my mom's, really good artists, and then we would do together Joe and our classes and stuff, and and I m had some really good mentors in high school. He taught me how to paint with a medium semen, and you can body art, but so we go, I go. She called. It messages may and she's.
Okay, the squash only know the colleges going out of business. I had just moved back to new york or just moved to new york. I just quit drinking. I just started doing comedy you'd finish college I've. While I thought I had like I was like I'll get to like. There's a couple papers- I I you know, but I think I'll get to it. So I move on with my life like we'll deal with that I did ninety percent of the work. Does it matter when the car shuts down, I mean I mean if you matter to me. I never get your degree now that coward, you can lie and say you have that degree. If you want like, I feel like congratulations graduates. Can you transfer the credits I fucking hate school was a goddamn nightmare. For me I would panic every night like sure to incomplete away from graduate to incomplete away from graduating. But I don't realize I'm just like deal with it later like repressive, and I was drinking so heavily and when I quit drinking you know I had I been sober, maybe three weeks this imbalance like you, you have two weeks to finish these, and one of them is like statistics like who the fuck remember, statistics
And so I had to fly back to santa fe on a credit card fly back Do all these papers write all these things shut up and then finally, I got my degree and then the school goes out of business and it comes back is another thing goes out of business again, but you got the degree. I got the degree yeah I needed it for myself. It was just to know that I could closure for the rest of your fucking pig as acts are now we're back to where we we come full circle here. So we talked, are you starting now in comedy, but like now you're out here like when I was when I was, Do you were dating Dana's, a escape skateboard guy? rollerblade or maybe that was a couple of years ago. I think it was after that. I don't think I was dating anyone. I was so into comedy like I was just so wanted like. I just wanted to be my career. Always I never was like I'll try this out. It was just a thing. I just felt a calling to really like the one the thing I was going to be especially special, ed teacher burned out on that
I can. You can only wipe so many fucking eight hundred boys asses before your like, maybe maybe I don't want to do this every day. I'm sure if that was a pleasure to work with assholes you walked in and you just you did it new york style and just started it's one in the uk I went in and I knew I had a had kind of befriended some comex and I went to make with them and I hadn't one of them had said, and I don't know if this is good advice or bad advice and in europe we should do whatever they want, but he was like just try to not like hook up with the comics, because it's going to be harder to get respect right, and I m. So had that in my head right now, but I was drinking so much was blackout drunk all the time from age of like twenty one to twenty five, I mean blacked out waking up in terrible equations, I had a fuckin real bad happened to me in new mexico. When I was backed out wrong. My roommate likes found this guy falcon, like literate. Picking me up on the ground of focusing on the cap,
and stuff, and that was like a home is another where just like I can't drink, I can't like a protect, might not be able to. I saw nobody tell the score Well, he wasn't and he didn't go to the college, and this was after the colleges which was when I was living in santa FE and I you know I tried to get him to. Admitted or privations and it was like this. I was just asking fucked up spiral and I was like you know I was getting ways in fucking people the times to how much you think was a reaction to what you I think I everything was that childhood was really hard to really rough. Just kind of always like bad. I found the shit. I thought a shitty and you can stop yourself from doing things that made. You feel shitty about yourself. Why just one the brain I wanted to black out. I didn't wanna, I wasn't getting ways to do. Have funding be drunk. I wanted to fuckin break I'd. Like I hate it myself. wanna want to be near myself so which one what changed to everyone? What made you
I wanted to do comedy really bad also. I also what was like why I can trust myself to knock get blacked out. That's the whole point. I have no interest in being like a little drunk, so I can protect myself there and then I got in a scooter accident. I was driving blackout drunk one night. I will up in the morning with my chin split open, I had road rash. All over my boobs almost lost a fucking nipple. I had cuts all up the front of my arms and hands down my is like the dress. I've been wearing looked like someone, it's slit my throat, so I woke up out of I just had these foggy memories of I knew I crashed my scooter. There's blood everywhere I am I knew I could. I felt that someone had picked me up that didn't lie. I remember was like someone that didn't usually like me, found me and was very nice to me and brought me back to my house, not to throw me back. No, because I was wasted. Please don't take me to the hospital because I didn't want. I was like pleased on you. I did it because I was going to get it. I was going to get in trouble. So then I waited,
and I called my entire family and I remembered. Was that and then I call my entire family and told them, go to rehab I had to call them on the morning and be like just kidding. I was in a blackout disregard it was father's day. I remember like you guys, I'm fine like I was blacked out my parents like you, id like an ambulance like what are you talking about. I was really fucked up. So then I go when I get my stitches. I got nine stitches in my chin, and so you want to walk the next day. You got stitches yeah, it's like probably I probably could have had a way better scar to norway. yeah. I was really like. Almost died for sure, and I was was funny you know like. I would like to try to laugh it off. I was out drinking the next night. We like wounds all over my face, and then I meet this guy. The next night, I'm heading his puppy in a bar, and this guy I do not remember me and I'm like now. He goes. I found you yes I found you and I was like oh he's, like that's how fucking damn dude he's like I thought you were drunk but that's really drunk and he
rides the motorcycle and he was like listen, I understood, and so then this girl came. I found it. I was the manager of a a bar that I would get wasted out, so she was usually yelling at me and kicking me out so he's like so I gave you to her. She drove you home and I knew I told her I was like listen, you can take her to the hospital, but is going to be a real shit show for her with the cops, if you do that, so they ended up dropping me off, which was I'm glad anna Faye people. Yet these are just people as a small town. I know a united to go up there yeah I got it bet. He knows. What's up yeah everybody, I'm in the cops all knew me and I, when I told them later, what happened they were like you've got an aggravated dui for assaulting yourself because you hurt yourself. So who knows? If that's true, but that's what they said to me, some, like thanks I'll, never call the cops. Way to? Let me know that I made the right decision not doing the right thing, but I get the stitches and then it's like. I know I need to quit and I know I sound like if I move out a santa FE, maybe I moved to new york what made you want to carry? I
with my dad, I always funny liquors, like my dad, laugh and you just, but you saw it, you know and told you you could do it or anything you just for my college, professor those early. Can you just go to stand up for you. They rode up to the right, but I was like. I can't I had a way of on media. I had that latvia was here just erupt yeah like completely legs, somehow making it about undermining enjoying a meter, and then some? I am I as very funny- very very funny. So it was a lot of like trying to impress him and when he retired- and we had this like really bonding se stora yeah- oh good yeah he's around. I love them. I'll, probably be listening to this, which makes me feel like they came to the show they did yeah yeah, yeah, they're sweet. I mean my mom has kind of band right now cause she fucking heckled man, I recently when I was headlining and completely ruined an entire, almost sold out show fucking psycho, or that was that that tells that
all of it and then I'm like she threw a handmade about her yeah. It was crazy and I'm telling I'm gone. She threw a fucking rat president was christmas weekend. She threw a wrapped present on stage, so I have to open a present I'm going to open. I have to explain who the fuck my mom is where she's like, Mom. They don't know me yet like what the house I'm acting like I mean this is located about her yeah and also like it gets you off balance I mean it seems like there is a competitive element to the release. Yeah, it's really weird, I dunno so, but so when you got sober and how'd. You do it, so I moved to new york to do comedy here, doing it, I'm drinking crazy right. Nobody else is drinking like I'm not around people round people a lot of people bore drinking, is rosemary, noble also- and I'm like now- I'm in a more dangerous situation, I remember I would like joke. I was actually just bring a rape kit with me, because this is crazy. I'm just like I'm just offering myself out there. wolves in area, and so finally, my Abby lock, who stole my best from the whole world who I was staying with, establishes an amazing artist.
She an animator she she was like I'll go with you to open mic. so. We go to an open mic. I've already been told at this point like it's, not I already know it's not a good idea for me to hook up with anyone or do anything, and I already Thank you. I want to quit drinking I'm already. I've been around mindset for about a year, so I go to the mike. I bought obviously I like blackout. I fucking drop my setlist. I don't know what I end up. Yelling at everyone out know what I said or did and I have some very hard. I myself am sitting at the bar and this committee HU? I don't like I don't I don't enjoy him. I think he's. open an annoying right. He come sit next to me, he's buying me beer or buy me alcohol, I like nah man, I'm not. like. I don't want to hang out with you like I'm an alcoholic. I don't buy me drinks yeah, like I can't say no, and so of course, can buy me drinks and he's? Like, don't worry about it? You know it's just end up which obviously that's trail. Your first opened my could gives a shit, but my was so sure this was my life's register our that lowering? So I was so.
Upset yeah. I don't remember doing yeager taking a shot at yeager, which I had already quit, so I was like oh and that I end up blocking out. Waking up in this is over my car's apartment and bush wig snowing out, I'm among its air mattress. I'm like this is the bottom. This is it I like look at him, I'm fully clothed I haven't done anything with them, but I wake up just like fuck. Why, like? What am I doing with my life and I'm just gonna quit thinking on an air mattress, I'm fucking gone like I'm going to do yeah and I'm like the one thing I didn't want to do. I'm already like at this guy so then I quit drinking I stopped drink. I call my friend tait fletcher or genoa. He has now he's like a buddy of rogan is a like m m, a foreigner motivational speaker guy, but he was my friend and santa FE and I knew that here, sober. So I called him and he was like just say yourself thirty days for now. So
it wasn't too overwhelming yeah and he's like and just go to meetings, and you know you can either talk or not. You can also just listen you don't have to do anything, just go, and once I went to my first meeting, I was like this is a fucking problem. I got to be here, you know or during the ninety and ninety, and I knew like it wasn't going to just be. I just was like. I can never do this again. It was to life or death, was two I was fall. I couldn't believe like people dying in the train tracks all the time, because I'm like sloppy, drunk falling on stairs and shit so so out of the feel that gets over their first time. Accordingly, I couldn't sleep and then this thing happen at my school so that I'm like flying back. In my I was standing Abby, but her friend Paul, like I insulted him. playing a tar and I went on. I went I love the goo goo dolls. it was like you have to leave. You have two days
but I'm getting sober and it's so funny when he gets up and nobody cares yeah you're so like in your own life? Maybe I'm I'm usually pretty proud of me. I need your hobbies like foggy badge and I'm glad he did that it was very. It was helpful for me to have someone fucking say no to me and and abbey, like aside it you're out, did I can't do anything, but It- will I'm shoes- oh Zhang, one of her favorite moments with me is when I was like crying and was like, but the Google while the joke was totally worth it. I never take it back. So then I had. I ended up staying with someone who was in the program, and it was good. It was really good for me and then it started to feel like something I was going to rebel against and start drinking against. If I kept going to it, that's how I felt I felt like I very like did you get a sponsor? I had a sponsor. I didn't like the steps right. I didn't like the first step to giving up my will or whatever right. I was very upset with that one I just gave up drinking mother fuckers, I'm pretty proud of. I think
It's designed it enable you to realize that you can't do it right here but so it's easy to make it bigger yeah yeah, but I definitely was like Given up my well look, I refer like this. Never get through the first step. You did know that you couldn't drink? Oh, I know I could never drink. I was like you I try to not say never just because that's a crazy thing to say, but I don't have a. I think, because I was replace it with comedy. I just started gone like five makes a night it's like very easy for me to not put together your like your sat, my savage on here, my first joke. Yet, alright, I was like my mom just joined facebook. This is right when moms were for and finding out about facebook. She was been tagging monolithic, really embarrassing. Baby pictures like there's this one, her vagina just makes my head looks so small, yeah
although and I remember I didn't want to dine l- show the marina franco was like that's your first jobs. They are right and then, like and now you've been working. You've done, like you know, comedy central half hour, you've done it, I haven't done it I haven't done. I haven't done any specials or albums just from my own I just remember out there headlining yeah I headline and I did I had a show on a talk, show on e for very briefly for the suds, and I did I was I was on some mtv stuff yeah, but like and I worked on, but not you know, like. I just worked on the discussion about our language. You anchor so the like. Give no corporal time he's got my best friend for like seven years and it just happened. Yeah, I'm really good friends with his ex girlfriend too. So they were a couple. So I went to a cafe or in the area, so they were a couple. I just never looked at him like that. I never even considered him like that, and- but he was always like a family like it was like a family right he's, always the friendly. We love each other five bucks here and right to write a letter eggs.
in that situation and they broke up and I still wasn't looking Then we started working on the show. Can we just it's just like such click yeah. We were year, we write for years. I used to stay this house what we'll go to new york, I would live on. I would sleep among couch, he would sleep on the other couch and then his girlfriend would get the bedroom because he has like night, terrors and stuff here so much, we would just be like living next to each other and fell fear while our angel was in her beautiful, unilateral, so said whenever somebody nothing ever happened. Never it wasn't like it was. He promised me once I remember he was I used to wear a necklace that said pig. And he made me take it off he's like don't wear that like that's, not what you are like and I you know, I went to them because it was just I got I feel, like I had a little bit of a rough go with other comedians. When I started
I went into comedy with that story. You know like hadn't, gone home, a guy, and then I go to that, make the next week and he's telling the story as if I had fuckin sucked as decker something I was really of serbia. so I got in, and I go up and my my first joke on the open mic. The next open mic was have opened a bleeding evoking upon part benches have opened up bikini in the middle of the winter like right, I never can quitting drinking until I woke up on that mother fuckers air. Mattress and I literally dropped the mic it was like grey, I felt good about it and I was excited to a comedy, but I had a lot of like rumor I mean When I got Montreal It was, but other writers yassum some females bunch, the rumor that I had sex with the fucking booker of montreal to get into montreal and I got to like do you remember when I was opening for you to remember when I was like? I would never have sex with anyone that could help me and you were like. I can't help it you're kidding, but yet you're like I'm sorry,
but hilarious, but it was just like like I never so paranoid that that's. I never want to get laid an earlier. I think like that and it soldiers like, if you guys knew the powerful dicks I fucking dodged, I mean I've got, have a fuckin, probably a lot more success right now or I I know I just I don't know who starts at shit, It's just it's crazy in it. So you know there's worded it. I have suspicion. and, it doesn't matter because it's always going to be something and it doesn't. It doesn't matter. But what's the lesson for me to learn was like? I was living very fearful that we're going to say these things about me and the truth is people are going to say things about me, no matter what lies or in terms of viewing knit years- and we were working so Kurt with current on my back I can he told me to take the picnickers off and he was like that seems like a big thing. The pigment yeah it was it was like. It was really nice of him to do that, and it's really helpful because I did I like look, I'm wearing this fuckin
thing around my neck. That's like keeping me in this place of being raw and then like these things are all my fault, shame yeah! so he He did that and he was and then he promises like I just want you know I'll. Never. I will never betray our friendship. I will never like hit on you or whatever, so I really believed him so we're working the room together, we're just having so much fun and when I used to live there we would just spend all night laughing and writing jokes and like wake up at four pm the next day- and I do shows with like brand new jokes was just like. So every boy I've had other than him since I did comedy me feeling their taking from from my time comedy comedy, and he just I would say, like hurts like salt like he just he just in hand is everything like he just makes like my life, just better, I'm going to cry, love them so much but fuck. I love him he's just so sweet, and then you find someone that like understands you and MIKE can protect you, and it's like. I just didn't. Have anyone protect me ever and to finally have this like person that just like?
He just gets it and you can tell me things about myself that I couldn't see like. I thought I was ugly in shit, so I'm like, I thought I was there a boy and shit, I'm like running flash may boobs thinking it's funny, you that make this hideous monster but no wonder these girls fuckin hated me am I like born once. I'm pretty, but you know but it's like I'm nah. I don't look like a boy like I just didn't know my worst self worth was so like didn't know what I was or people saw me as you and so we so nice to have someone that just knows me so well and like yeah he's just helped me so much like I feel like I've gone through so much of my Shit, like you buried, have someone who loved her enjoy yourself. Just someone who just has your back and can like just like that too, is a radical wallets. great congratulations yeah. I feel really good. I went out and when I heard it I was like wow why they made sense to me. I didn't know the whole history. You know they call me girl curd, for, like you know,
and did you like in what so you feel like it that that this is help you process the distrust in the truck find yourself yeah. It was such a weird. I never had the experience of I dunno if this is just like. I just wasn't in love, and I thought I was in love before, but I just had this experience. When it really like, when I really I saw him and stuff and and was able to like, feel what he was saying to me. I just it felt like my chest was like on fire like like, if I think about them. Sometimes still I like feel it's like ampere like it's like. I like Bernie, like it just like so starved for year, because when you just when you just sort of what you were saying before is like people that you you can you know and you can manage the idea, there's no trust really, but there's no threat either the and it's just like what is that it's just a weird waste of time, and it was just I would get upset with myself and then I'd be like and then I'm completely disrespect these people
We also know you think they wake. You don't believe your web bore. Can love yeah, there's a there's that rotten thing like I really like at the core thought I was rotten and it was interesting as I used to go back to my high school. I like realised the trauma of such denial and so many levels, and I will go back to my high school to visit all the time and up until like four years ago and my best friend, who is also a victim of of molestation and assault and stuff like that, and she was like start like fuck these people so like they made me feel terrible. Go on. I remember the year after and I wanted to go to the graduation ceremony. pop my head in to see that the art teacher that had helped me gone too, and I leave my head in and he goes get out. This is for congress. and screamed at me- and I remember like being like in such- well, I was going back to be like hey, hey, like thank you. like you know, not thank you, but I think I was just trying to get approval from them, because I was just really left
were alone in that situation, and her, and so I go back. He said that I remember just like crumbling the hallway and the janitor, walked by this guy frank, and he, when I saw that if the guy just wants you to call me blondie but not unlike a jerk off on her leg, sorta way, he was already nice. He goes. I saw he's like bondo while you know like I saw, which has happened. I saw the way they treated you. They did you real dirty. Just want you to know. I know that someone saw it, and I was like oh thank god So then I never I'm always like. Did I make him up as he imaginary, but then I did. I got a message from one of my teachers, the other day where she was like. I dunno, maybe I'll read it. I haven't responded area, but I will it's just so much. You know just the other day yay. She goes blah blah blah blah. She goes there's so much more. I wanted it. I want to say to you mostly that I'm sorry, you went through a lot and I don't give you an idea. I don't think
gave you everything you needed. I tried, but that's not good enough I that if you are my advisees today I would have been. I would have much more to offer, I love what about us. You are and always have been. I loved you dearly when you were mine, just talked about when I was heard by the, and I hope you felt that it's nice, like I got I'm like trying to work on forgiving and stuff, but who working with how what what are you doing to help you through this I'm just kind of I am- I am not in therapy right now- but I you know want to be it's just me and dmt just cause. I haven't done dmt in a while, but I yeah. Just do. I don't know right now, I'm kind of on like a scavenger hunt. I guess you feel so like you have the support you if I thought I'd really. I knew up and and may be a little more able to process. Yeah, I feel like I feel I I feel protected, but also I feel
strong, and I can look back on the all the situations and other. I really did fight myself, definitely and about what will happen when youth when you think these these gaps are me wait. What is it that you need to know now? I just like her How did this happen like to me? It's just like how, like I'm just so curious about, like his lawyer, like how can you like. I guess it's me seeking approvals so cuz, it's like how could you like just label me as like fucking, bad or something or like it's just a like? always just like all good, just filling everyone. It was just so hard like. Why is my fucking softball coach forget the girl for myself tat. I came up reviews the coach or not, but like I just don't things I didn't ask them like. I asked questions now and I don't I'm not afraid of hearing answers or right so
So a lot of it is around your. What happened, but also. Why did that they demonize and now I did a valid believe them right and it's not. The leg like it just felt like people live Other people around me were being protected from me. some curious. I also curious about because I was trying to google like the details of the trial and it was not anywhere just cure It's about. I want to remember what happened was fortunate. good that you know that so much good stuff is happening in your guru ira happier, and you know emotionally that you know maybe me while your hearts open me could figure that out yeah not for any reason other than give you right, yeah no monsieur. No one deserves a break in the story like breaks or anything, but it's like you know for myself. It was just like it all.
came to a head after the election. It was just a little jarring. It was. I just was like so not expecting that and then and the You know I went to the women's montana just select. All these are crying like. I was like, oh my god, we're lincoln some fuckin whirling little out of college hygeia. so relieved to be dealing with all this shit feel so like is hard, but it's like. The guy can move on and can remember. I can read a book I can like try to learn and stuff. Now, because you so fuckin defensive, aren't we all got indefensible. Sometimes I do know about Elaine united me now you and I was just being defence for fine. I got it. Ok, yeah great! Nobody like you know you got you know you can eat. You know you can feel strong enough to to let the better side of yourself. I would think about my, when brother said to me, he's got a wife and two daughters. At the time we only had one daughter on vacation and his wife's an atheist, and I go aren't you and eighty years he's? Are you kidding me like? Have you seen my wife and daughter like, of course, I believe in god, and I
I feel that way about my life right now hour. It's like like not like gods hanging like this catholic dude or whatever, but, like I feel like that, like there's gotta, be something that got me to this shit, that's like where I just feel like I'm supposed to be. You know, yes, I I think maybe look at it like that. Yeah! It's not like you, yeah. Are you? Yes, it odds like the word, but not no. No, I know you, like you know like there something about hanging in in about five. the fight that eventually he you know like, I think, a lot of the stuff that happened even culturally like if, if What had happened in the election of what happened with the women's movement did not happen or didn't happen, who the fuck now yeah. yeah. For sure I mean I had to be like triggered into the the process, and I like you It's what I did ass owners hydraulic when I did also with my friend up in the burbank hills and her like beautiful house, and there is a bear, lose that and I ran into the bella.
while the bear become more acid. I saw I was crossing the street. I was going to yoga and I make eye contact with the bear. My friend's husband's been searching for the barrel morning, So am I going down the hill? I make eye contact the bear. I call my friend I'm like dude get pete out here. I in the fucking bear and she goes. I just took acid. like. Oh my god, alright! Well, I'm coming back. I guess you couldn't wait for me to fuckin yoga. So then I'm like, I saw the bear. I got into the asset. So then I turn I go back and we we like take this fucking amazing acid, my friend made in santa FE, and I How had this amazing experience and everything was bear related because of this year, so the bears there's helicopters going search. for the bare of answers. Ammo controls up and down, try to find the bear then we're sitting out in there like hot tub in their porch, just like everything's beautiful and I just went like holy shit. This whole time I thought, was a piece of shit and I've been a fucking pot of honey this whole time. Only so now I'm just like. If I put myself
as a pot of honey and I look back at everything I the I was the whole fucking I was so mad at myself and I'm like no, I was thinking I was just about any it's great yeah. I feel good I, while that I mean, I think, that's a good metaphor. Yeah thanks, Annie thanks him, that was me and Annie Lederman on thanksgiving was that appropriate for thanksgiving. I hope so just take a nice long walk to help out man, and ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am boomer lives hmm
Transcript generated on 2022-07-17.